Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Calm Before The Storm

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of pain, turmoil and fear. Things you hoped that you had left behind, the things you wanted to keep in the past, things you thought wouldn't hurt you again but that is what happens before the storm...the calm fools you into thinking everything will be ok.

The last few months have been my calm...finally feeling alive, normal not suffocated by the fog, unable to feel anything but dullness and dread but to feel the sunlight, the warmth, to hear the laughter, to feel relief and even anger. But the feelings weren't tainted by the depression, they were real and they were mine again. But the storm has brewed and is trying to drag me under again. I don't want it to take over but I feel the darkness, the anger, pain and fears. I want to cry, explode and hide all at the same time. My triggers of the past has traumatized me far more than I realized. It's funny to be able to label my symptoms, to recognize what my problem however to fix it is another story.

A week and and half after my father died baby girl was scheduled to get her teeth fixed. She was born with little to no enamel on her baby teeth and even though she was breastfeed exclusively till her second birthday her teeth were decayed and she was unable to eat anything due to the sensitivity and pain. At 18 months we had taken her to a pediatric dentist who had ripped out her front four teeth without any anaesthetic. I was horrified to say the least as I sat in the back seat trying to comfort her as her gums bleed. I held back my tears, wiping her tears trying to comfort all awhile holding in my angry at the so called pediatric dentist. There was no way I was coming to get the rest of the work done. I guess I should have realized how shitty the place was the first time when they forced her down and clamped her mouth shut to get the x-rays. Even that day she was sacred to death calling for me wanting her "mamas", my breasts her comfort. But our crappy HMO only covered this dentist that was in another town from us. But we went to another pediatric dentist in town even if we had to pay on our own.

She needed to be put to sleep because she needed extensive work, she needed caps on all her molars and spacers on the top for when her permanent teeth came in. Just the anesthetic would start at $500 requiring the full deposit since it was actually Dr who cam to do that part. It took over two and half hours...but more than that I was in shock due to my father's death a week and half earlier.

Baby girl was in deep fear of anyone is scrubs and cried and held me tighter to her...the anesthesiologist came from behind and gave her a shot in her arm to make her fall asleep. She was out within min. and he carried her to the room. We waited feeling relieved that we didn't hear her screams this time. She laid in my arms as she woke still scared but little did we know this was only the beginning of the nightmare.

We went home and as she laid in my arms she fell asleep...half an hour later she jolted up crying, screaming, her eyes were open with a glazed look. Even though I held her she couldn't see me but kept on screaming and crying. She was still sleeping but awake...she was having night terrors. We tired to wake her, put cold water on her feet but she would keep screaming and crying and then suddenly stop. This went on every time she fell asleep. So she was unable to completely fall asleep. I looked online and found that after being put to sleep this happened to some other kids but there was not much on it. I told her dentist but they looked at me like I was crazy. Why is that every time you tell doctors about something that is happening they look at you as if your are lying.

She went through a week and half of this..we all had no sleep we were exhausted to say the least, I hadn't had much sleep since she was born because she slept with us and I had let her feed on demand. So sleep was a stranger to me but night time, sleep became a fear to me. What made the night terrors stop was her next visit to the dentist when they would put in her spacers. Naturally she was scared to death and cried as they sat her down, she didn't want to open her mouth, she started screaming and crying so the dentist needed four other assistant to hold her down so she could put the spacer in. I think the inability for baby girl to scream and express her fears when she was put to sleep made her have the night terrors but when she was able to fight, scream for her life she stopped having the night terrors. That night she finally fell asleep without waking up, we were finally able to sleep.

Since her visit to the dentist she had extreme fear of all doctors and anyone in scrubs. I guess it didn't help that she was with me in the hospital when my dad was in there. She has far too much exposure to the hospital and death at such a young age. She watched me trying to feed my dad, imitating me telling him to eat. She would repeat the same words, brushing away my tears looking up at me trying to comfort me. So her fear of anyone in scrubs was natural, but every visit to the doctors office was hell for me...she would start to shake, sweat and then cry. You could see the fear in her little face...I would start to sweat and feel nauseous. I hated going to the doctor..luckily she didn't required many trips to the doctors or dentist. We skipped the annual cleanings to the dentist and because I could not go in there with out sweating and feeling sick to my own stomach.

I noticed her gums would swell and bleed, the gums around her capped molars..it worried me cause I thought they were rotting inside and she would need to go to the dentist again. The hubby took her for a check up and they said it looked fine..she was scared but they went slowly, it had been over a year since the battle with the spacer and she came along with us on our dental appointments. I guess the fact she was able to express herself in words helped because slowly her fear was going away. But I didn't go with her, I couldn't so hubby would take her and I would take her to medical check ups.

We changed from HMO to PPO even though we had to pay an extra $100 every month because the HMO did not have our dentist. I had thought baby girl would need more work on her teeth from the swelling of her gums but the dentist didn't say anything nor did the hubby mention anything to the dentist. I guess I should have gone because he doesn't ask much. Her last visit to the dentist was very successful, they were able to clean her teeth with the polisher and even take x-rays. But her x-rays showed her permanent molars were coming up in angle against her baby molars. The dentist said she never saw anything like it. It also looked like she was missing a pair of molars but she had to come back when her regular dentist was there.

I guess I had really hoped she would not have anymore issues with her teeth even though I saw the swollen gums. Her next visit confirmed my fears and worst. Her jaw bones were not growing and were thin besides the permanent molars coming in crooked. The stranger part was she was having gum loss around the molars, something they had never seen in someone her age. So we were referred to the oral surgeon because even though they could extract her molars they wanted a biopsy of her gums to see what the problem was. Yes here was our storm, my fear came true but far more than I thought.

When you are told there is something wrong with your child you feel guilty. Even though you may have not had any control over it you feel like it is your fault. Even though she was born without any enamel on her teeth the dentist looked at me like it was my fault. Like I was giving her juice or candy every day without brushing. So every day I feel like I'm judged as a horrible parent because my child has metal caps in her mouth and missing teeth. They had told me that sometimes it just happens that the bay teeth does not form correctly but the permanent teeth would be fine. But now they were telling me her jaw one wasn't growing properly, that she was missing permanent teeth and worse yet she was having gums issues.

Shit I should have taken my pre-natal vitamins even though I felt sick from taking them, maybe that is why I had caused this on her. But my mom never took any and we had no issues with our teeth. So many different things have run through my head, I looked up any genetic disorders with teeth issues but found nothing. So even logically I know it isn't my fault I feel that I'm responsible.

The oral surgeon confirmed what I thought maybe the cause of Baby girls teeth problems, she was allergic to caps. That is why her gums and jaw bones were not growing in the areas of the capped molars. So the solution was to remove the caps/molars before they did anymore damage to her permanent teeth. She would need braces later but the main concern now was to get rid of the caps.

Yes that would mean no molars for her to chew with, it didn't make things easier that she already had her front top teeth pulled so she can't bit into anything nor chew hard, tough things. "I've never seen a toothless person starve", that is what the oral surgeon said when she asked how would she eat. It would be bothersome but she wasn't going to starve as he said. Her permanent molar was already coming in so hopefully all her teeth would come in sooner than later. Till then I will have to cut everything up for her.

I started this post because since her appointment with the oral surgeon I have felt the fear, anxiety and bad memories flood back. Even that day at the appointment I felt uneasy and nervous...I started sweating. I realize all the negativity and pain associated with her dental issues has been tied with my father's death. So I'm relieving the pain again...I feel the anxiety and fear. I'm scared even though it will be fine..I feel irritated and sad at the same time. So I had to write out my fears of what is going on in my mind. To make things worst for her this Friday was her class Thanksgiving party since this is the last week of school before break. Yes the budget cuts effected schools to close for a entire week for Thanksgiving instead of a few days. So besides getting her teeth removed she will miss her class party. I wanted to reschedule but I know it's better to get it over with then wait. So instead today we will make rainbow cupcakes for her class to share with tomorrow.


This is my storm, one that reaches deep within that grips my deepest fears and pain. One where I cannot control the pain of my child, where I'am left feeling helpless and useless. So I have been frozen in fear, in anguish unable to tell anyone of my fears. Trying to think positive, wishing the days would fly by and it would all be over and she was healing. That we were both healing and that the pain would scab over and the wound underneath would grow back stronger with the scar. I don't think the scar would ever fade but at least it would cover that hole. I want to move forward, I don't want to be frozen in fear, living in dread. I hope for the best and do not want the worst.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

To Feel Again.

It is amazing how things look and feel when your head is out of the fog, when the feeling of numbness wrapped in pain releases its grip on you. You feel alive again, you feel the pain but more than that you are unsatisfied to the point in which you want out of it. That is the difference in that you take active steps to move away from what makes you feel pain, discomfort and distraught. You do not just sit in your pain, numb unable to move forward or back but indifferent not really feeling. Maybe it is way to survive to be so numb that you do not feel the pain that is so deep that it may just kill you. You long to feel the pain, to relish in it because that means you are alive but you don't only to going through the motions.

So I have escaped this thing called depression, I feel alive again. I feel again, joy, sadness, anger, regret but I feel in which I have not in years. The sadness and sorrow that fills me whenever I think of my father is ok....I can accept it I'm moving forward. I miss him dearly and I always will but life must go on. I look at myself and can't believe how much I have changed yet I'm still here. I will be ok and god forbid I may go through this again but I know I will come out of it.

The laughter come deep from within, it comes from me, it warms me, it touches my heart and spreads throughout my body. It feels good to feel again.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Healing

After a really bad day I started feeling better, not perfect if there is such a thing but good. I want to feel good and I feel it, not just a phase but I feel me wanting to come out and live life again. I wish I can say the battle is over but it is not, it maybe never be and this will be something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that, I don't expect every day to be full of roses and sunshine but I just want a reason to go on, to live, a desire. So the passion has come back but I can not say a part of me is afraid that it maybe a false hope, that it maybe the ugly cycle of being bi-polar but maybe just maybe it's not and I'm healing. I can not even know if I'm bi-polar or it is just clinical depression I had, from PPD to mourning the lose of my father..regardless it has left me lifeless and pathetic. But I don't want that to be my life, I don't want those to be the memories for my children of me.

But more than that I don't want this to be my legacy that I pass down to my children, I want so much more for them, I hope that whatever influences I have had on them will not dictate how they live their lives...that they would over come this obstacle in their lives. I guess more than anything I fear that I have damaged them and they can not change. That I have failed them as their mother and cannot guide them into this world with all the love, wisdom and support I could have given them. I regret but I'm hopeful that I'am emerging from this dark pit into the light and I will feel the warmth throughout my body releasing my soul to heal. To feel the warmth, to see the brightness and hear the words. To guide me back not to the old me but the new me who knows will embrace the changes and miles that has taken to get to this new place. The tears, pain, anguish and guilt within my soul as a badge that will guide me to my new life.

I move forward and I know I will falter, fall and slip but that wont stop me...I will keep moving on.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Week 2

Baby girl loves school, she tells me every day when I pick her up. However every morning she is reluctant to go inside the play yard and insists I stay by the gate. After the second day of school the school wanted parents to drop kids off at the gate and not go into the school yard. So instead of walking her to her class or to her teacher I stand and wait by the gate but she like a few other

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

1st Day of Kindergarten.

Today is baby girl's first day of kindergarten and even though I couldn't wait till she started I'am sad. I guess it's bitter sweet since it's an end of a era, end of her needing me so much awhile I felt so suffocated. I'm guilty of wanting my own life, my freedom knowing well enough the day would come where I would feel sad when she left my side. Finally the day has arrived, today is that day of my freedom from her constant where are you mommy, I love you mommy, mommy mommy...all the sounds I dreaded as the replayed over and over. And now I'm left feeling empty and sad...feeling guilty and sad. Silly and stupid..but then I cried even when I took my oldest to school. Guess it's a tradition for me.

Her eyes filled up with tears, as her little face became red and distressed knowing I would leave. She kept on saying please dont leave me mama, please stay....I swallowed back the lump in my throat..not wanting her to see my eyes tear up. The teacher saw she was distressed and asked her to sit by her. And I walked away...she looked at me and I smiled and turned away.

Yes a new era has started, I have my life back but I just realized she is my life.

Friday, August 21, 2009

In a Rut

Baby girl is sleeping, boy has been in his room and here we sit in the livin groom in our repsective areas on the computer. The tv is on for background noise but no one is watching it. It's friday night and this is our life every day. I dont know how it got this way but here it is.

I guess this is how they say married people get in a rut...a painful and ugly truth. I guess it's bettter than us fighting or having conflict but then is it? I mean I know what can I expect before he met me he spent his time on the computer playing Everquest. I brought on the excitment, the ideas to do things, to live life but since I'm no longer functioning like a normal human being here we sit.

I envy other people going out doing things..I used to go out and do things...I used to live life...but now here I'am. This is my life...where the fuck did my life go?

Self

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face!


So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...just rolls and more rolls. So I'm disgusted to the point of what will I do...something has to be done...drastically. OK maybe if i had enough balls to get a knife and cut them off I would..but ok back to reality not going to happen. So I wish I could magically go to sleep and wake up voila I'm thin again. This is a bad horrendous nightmare and I'm normal again. It's not wanting to be thin but normal...my normal. Where I can fit into my regular clothes...no I'm not wanting the hard body of a 20 yr old but the old me.

But I'm so afraid she is gone...like forever and this is the real me. Large, lumpy and so unhappy. How I wish for the day when I thought being 127 pds was heavy..that I'd work out to get in shape...that seems sooo long ago..something so unattainable. I have no control and I accept it..I haven't been in control forever. But I'm tired of this foreign body...I feel like I'm wearing one of those fat suits...and that underneath is the old me. I never thought I would ever get this big...I would freak out even when I was a little heavier than my normal weight..hiding in larger clothes...so what happens when the large clothes stop fitting me. What happens when medium is my normal size. But I'm not a medium anything...I'm a large 5'2 petite woman although large and petite seem like a oxymoron...like jumbo shrimp. Shit I found my word..I'm a jumbo shrimp.....ok I made myself laugh because it's funny as hell as pathetic as it all sounds and is.

Yeah, yeah fat ass drop the fork and go for a run..stop your bitching and get a grip...it's your freaking life and make it happen. But you know what it can't and it hasn't. I have become another statistic..the over weight American. Yes one of the fat pigs that super size everything and complain about everything. Do I need an ass kicking...yes I do. I need to stop the bitching and get into motion...literally and psychologically. I've been in this mental rut for too long.


I'am really tired of my fat, depressed, bitchy self! I need to get my shit together now before I ruin what's really right in my life.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Changes

Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and never brought back. Living in a fog, in dread, anger, pain and regret unable to enjoy the joy that surrounds me every day. Yes I'm already regretting, missing the sweet baby years, the curious toddler years, the anxious preteens.

My babies are growning...she is leaving for kindergarten next week and even though I eagerly awaited this date...my escape from domestic motherhood (prison) I feel a sadness and miss her already. Sure I swore and wished for this day to come, couldn't wait to get my life back but did I just miss out on the best years of my life....did I not even realize these are the days I will long for when I'm old, wrinkled and gray. When she would eagerly seek me, need me, even after a fit of tears she would come back to the reassurance of my arms. And yet I feel a relief yet empty since my role in motherhood has changed. Like when she was finally weened off the boob, it was such freedom yet I felt so sad that she would not need me to comfort her, that I was the only one who could calm her, reassure her. Sure at times it felt like a living hell but I knew it was for her good, I guess in ways that is parenthood..so damn painful and so necessary. I guess no pain no gain holds some truth to it.

She is officially 5 years old today and even though she looks the same she isn't...I measured her and she has grown at inch and half since the last time. She told me what she wanted for her birthday party..a jumper and silly string and pinta just like her cousin. She wanted Ariel on her birthday cake...sure we let her pick out the cake before but this year it was different she knew what she wanted and she asked ahead of time. Her party was the best ever she said..probably cause she will remember it.

Finally here is the change I awaited and yet I still feel the same...just a bit sad and regretful but haven't I felt this all along. I keep waiting for tomorrow to live my life and yet I have wasted the life I'm living now. Am'I cheating myself but more importantly my family of not being here.

I look a myself and I do not like the person I have become..I realize this is me, there isn't the old me in here but this is who I'am. I need to stop searching for what I thought was me..because even those times I was still searching for the person I used to or wanted to be. Why can't I ever just be happy with me and the right now. I know change is important but more so a fact of life yet why is it that I can not, have not ever been happy with who I'am. I guess the reality is that I have never liked me at the right now..it was always an idea of what I wanted to be or what I thought I was but when I actually look back at myself I was miserable, unsatisfied, searching for a better me even then.

This isn't saying that I'm accepting the bigger than life version of me cause really I can't stand being this big...I see myself but I don't see me..it's weird back when I was skinny as hell I always looked fat but now when I see myself I don't feel that big until I see some picture of myself. Holy shit I'm huge...so I guess I'm in denial and not having a full length mirror helps. Even thought I wear huge clothes, it still doesn't hit me till the pictures. I know it's goning to take work to take off all this fat, unlike ever before but you know it doesn't help matters to be hormonal. I'm feeling a bit crazy, emotional and sorry for myself blahs...I wish the stupid period would hurry up and start. I need to either start losing weight or just accept this is me and start buying clothes to flatter the fat!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Please excuse the writing (lack of grammer, spelling, sentence structure etc). I write this as it comes out, vomit.

It has been a long time since I wrote but I really had nothing to write about. Life has gone by and it has been the same thing, only the physical date changes but I'm frozen in time. I have not changed, I have not lost weight, I have not gone to a doctor, dentist...I'm afloat in my vast sea of despair. But it's not in turmoil of waves or a storm but alone far from any land. I have no paddle, just floating along, no sharks in sight, no rescue ships either, no search planes...nothing but myself helpless yet not in deep despair. I survive, the days go by but I do not live. One can't live while floating alone in the vast deep ocean. The days all seem the same, they are the same, repetition and yet deep down I'm drowning in my own self. I scream but nothing comes out of my mouth...I reach out so I can help myself but I only push myself in deeper. I watch myself drowning in my own emptiness and I don't care.

I never imagined myself as an adult I always thought I would die at a young age and the thought of death never scared me. It still doesn't..yes I'm a coward because I don't care because I have seemed to have lived my entire life to receive approval from my family. The few times I tried to do what I believed I wanted failed so miserably, so the last 15 years I have tired to live for what I knew was the "right way". But with it comes the realization that I'm gone...that I hate myself for not following what I wanted in my life. I say my life so easily yet it really isn't my own. I don't know if it has to do with being Korean female or is it my own disfunctional family but wanting nothing more than their approval, acceptance from people who can't. I have given up my own dreams and self and here I "live" this life I do not want. I have faced the truth and it is clear that I was so damn busy trying to win approval to be accepted that here I live a life I do not want. I'm so miserable because being a good housewife, mother, daughter is not what I want. I wanted to travel, to see the world, I did not want to be tied down to a house, a mortgage, the perfect subrbabn housewife. I wanted so much more, as my life quickly passes me by I'am bound in chains of my own making to a life I do not want. I look into lives of others envious and in awe of how they live their lives as they wanted, not bound by chains or tradition but by their own desires. I'm trapped into this life by own making suffering in regret and anger at myself for not following my own dream. I'm that little girl who so desperately wants approval and acceptance but regardless of what I do it will never happen since I was not born a boy. It does not matter that I sacrifice my own life as well as my own family I will never be accepted the way I should. I have taken on the roles of husband, son while only a daughter.

I'm bitter, but more so angry at myself for doing things that aren't asked of me yet feeling hopeless since I'm the only one willing to do it all. I can't complain since I did it on my own...I'm disgusted by customs, by the blindness of the older generation of their love of their sons and burden of their daughters. Yet it is the daughter that has done everything and yet I do not hear any good from it...mere words do not the change the fact when the son does appear once and their is joy and pride in my mother's eyes. One day of small work brings praise and poor thing must be tired...yet the endless hours, days, weekends, months of work from their son-in-law does not bring in such joy or pride. Yes it makes me angry and disgusted at the favoritism that is so obvious, I hate that I have even started this and I wish I could turn my back and be the stranger that daughters are to be. Not to get involved but watch from far away...let her son's take care of her needs, but here I have attached myself even more so to her. Her needless nagging and complaining, nothing ever being good enough. I hate myself looking for her approval, being careful of how things are done cause I look at things in her eyes...looking for the mistakes. I'am her, the constant correcting, complaining, never grateful but self sacrificing yet so bitter woman.

I hate myself for what I have become, not just for the fat, but the person inside. The person I have lost, the laughter, the one living life, not shuttered inside her own home, the one with many friends, the one who loved doing things, being out doors not a prisoner of my own making. I'm screaming, trying to claw out of my own padded room. But I do not let her out, I hold the key yet I cannot turn it to free myself.

So in the vast, empty sea I float alone screaming to get off yet no one is around to hear me let alone myself. I'm pitiful and sad because I do not have the balls to free myself.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's all in the details!

We finally ripped out all the old cabinets and are preparing for the new cabinet installation. It has been a tedious and dreary journey because the old ladies are living under the construction and with no kitchen. The bathroom remodels went smoothly since there was always one bathroom available but not having a kitchen is causing some stress and headaches. That's on their end but it hasn't been a joy ride for me either. Man no wonder people hire contractors to coordinate, find, price, etc for remodels. Although I should shut up since the timing so far has been pretty smooth. If things go according to plan (cross my fingers) they will have their new kitchen by next Saturday the latest.

So its all in the damn details...we have to first get a plumber to cut off and cap off the old drainage for the washing machine...yeah its a older house that had a hook up for a washer in the kitchen but before my uncle built around the drainage but this time we were told clearly to have it removed before the cabinet installer arrives. The hot and cold water pipes were successful turned in although my husband had to do some work on the hot water pipe to tap it off. The old gas line was successful capped off too but the stupid drain pipe didn't move a budge. We know when to hire a professional and this is definitely time. So we have called three plumbers to get an estimate of what the damage will be however they aren't very good about phone estimates. They want to come over to see the job or will give you a flat hour rate of $85 so we will have to decide by tonight which way to go. I will have to go tomorrow to accept delivery of the cabinet and appliances(make sure all the stuff is there) and sand the wall and finish priming them. Hopefully we will also get a visit from a honest plumber to fix the problem cause the cabinet installer will be coming on Monday. We met with the granite guy today and he will come in after the installation on Tuesday and said they will install on Thursday, latest Friday so the old ladies can have their kitchen back by next weekend!

I got lucky in that the hubby was able to reroute the heating vent from the wall to the ceiling, besides doing dry wall, wiring and tiling. Did I mention how lucky I'm to have such a handy guy. This is a guy who has never ever did anything handy in his life before he met me. I'm the brains and he is the muscle in our team..he isn't good working outside of the box, that's where I come in...growing up without I learned to be resourceful/ghetto making do with out having the proper tools to get the job done. So we make a kick ass team, although got to admit I'm getting tired and can't wait for all remodel stuff to be over so we can have out weekends back again!

So far we are coming in budget since we are doing most of all the labor...I just hope the 10k left will be enough for the rest of the house! Reminds me when we sued to watch the Home flipping shows when the market was hot...it looked so exciting and fun. I'd joke to the hubby maybe we should do that...yeah right, uh after this I won't do another remodel again, unless I get paid!

Monday, April 13, 2009

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Face book...it's an addiction

Lately I've spent most of my online time of Face book, I was slow to warm up not adding any friends but slowly I was getting more and more friend requests. Before I knew it I was hooked..full blown addicted to finding those damn "hatchlings" one of their many applications, looking up "old friends" and seeing what they been up to after high school. So typical most of all the popular people are losers now, the quiet geeky kids full blown successes..getting their PhD's, owning their own software companies, traveling the world and way better looking then they used to be, hello Ugly Duckling! Got to admit I'm envious of their lives unlike the popular kids, uh well they had their glory moments way back then and obviously burned the candle on both ends..they look like shit. Middle aged, old, wrinkled...really bad. I have to say days like this it pays off to be Korean/Asian, sure once we hit like 70 we get super freakin wrinkled and old over night but till then we look pretty damn good and I mean without any work! It's weird cause I remember everyone from how they used to look way back in elementary school, junior high and high school but now they look so old.

Shit I'm middle aged and I didn't even know it...I know I wasn't young but I didn't realize I was this old! Besides the extra pounds I feel so much better...I know that's bad but it feels good knowing I don't look that old...I hate to say it but its true blonds/white people burn out fast. So as time goes by I'm grateful for being Korean, yes seems superficial but what can I say but the truth. It sucks to age, that's why everyone is into plastic surgery etc. besides the sun damage from my tanning days I'm not that old looking after all.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Disney...happiest place on earth...NOT!

We went on a mini family vacation to Disneyland courtesy of my mother-in-law(she paid) this last weekend. This last summer we went to San Diego with her and the hubby's nephew and it was over all a pleasant experience. So when she suggested another trip to Disneyland I didn't give second thought to it. I should have taken note why my brother in law and his wife declined on vacationing with her and went without her to Disneyland this last thanksgiving when they came down. I guess either I'm in denial or dense...I will blame it on the fogginess of depression. Well what should have been a wonderful trip with memories of bonding and happiness it turned out a trip from hell. Since my meeting with her I have been respectful and accommodating to this woman who gave life to my darling husband...I did not want the stigma of the over bearing mother-in-law to taint our relationship. I swear no matter how opinionated and snooty she could get I dealt with it with a smile and even a laugh. I followed what she wanted, bent over backwards to welcome her and make her feel comfortable, cooked meals for her, cleaned up after her, had endless hours of conversation with her about knitting, sewing, how great she is....all a while all my dear hubby was at work or in another room avoiding her. I did it with grace, acceptance and yes duty. After all this woman gave birth and raised my sweet and agreeable husband....could she be as bad as what my sister-in-law told me to be.

Last year for my mother-in-laws hang gap (60th Birthday) we drove up to Sacramento to throw her a surprise birthday party...yes my idea since I was raised with Korean tradition of 60th birthday's as a big deal. My husband is American Chinese so I figured it would only be right since our cultures are similar. Well during that visit my sister-in-law and I were able to talk one on one about how they resented us because of what my MIL was saying about us..."you know they do this...and this...why can't you guys do this...so this invisible tension was looming between the siblings and their spouses because this woman had the audacity to make comparisons of her grown sons. It turns out my husbands younger brother can not stand his mother even though she watches their little boy. I guess she was abusive stating he was stupid..etc as a child and he still holds a grudge to her. All I got from my husband was she yelled alot and he ignored her...he did what she wanted to shut her up...in their minds my husband was the favorite son, although in reality he was the favorite. This was noted my own observations and aunt and uncle-in-law.

I didn't let any of this really taint my opinions of her...I thought parents are tough on the oldest usually and let it be that. But now I realize how selfish and narrow minded she is. She thinks she is always right an her way is the right way...father-in-law was a sweet man who gave into his wife. He was a very soft spoken and kind man.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Music

I have forgotten how much I love music, they way it sooths me, the way the words express what is in my soul. It seems I had lost all aspects of my being including the emotions I feel from music. Currently I'm listening to my collection of music on my laptop and can't understand why I didn't turn on the volume and push play. Yes I'm enjoying music again...I feel alive, I feel happy. Listening to the music I want to dance, my body moves, I sway, my legs tap...I'm singing.

Being depressed really did suck out every aspect of my life. It seems strange but your are a prisoner in your own body, where you cannot control the deep darkness that grabs a hold of you, the energy and life leaves you deflated and hopeless. But you know you shouldn't feel this way but no matter how hard you try to pull yourself out of the darkness its useless. It is a scary place to be full of uncertainty and pain. You feel pathetic for feeling this way but you cannot change it...you do try but it doesn't go away only when it is ready to. I don't know if my grief ran its natural course or its the vitamins I'm taking but I'm back. I don't want to say all is well but I've felt happy, real joy and I laughed. It's been slow but this entire week I've felt happiness....yes real happiness where I feel it through out my entire body. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I'm happy.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

One step at a time

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has lifted but I know it lingers listlessly waiting to envelope me in its restlessness and confusing haze. But as of right now I've escaped its grasps. I know I will never completely be free of it but I know to keep ahead of it I must live in the moment. I must not look back to see why its there but move forward with my day. Yes I feel ok, even good although I fear saying those words will jinx my progress, the painful slow steps in which I have overcome it. It's a race in which I have to win, I have no choice because the reality is that I have too much depending on me to give into it. It has grasped me deeper and stronger than it has ever but I have won this race, at least for the time being I'm stronger than it.

I'm still a work in progress...I have been torn apart but I stand strong on my foundation which has never left me, a foundation in which I'm held tightly by love, my family. No matter how insecure and uncertain I have been it is the security and belief from them that has kept me from completely losing all sense of myself. They are the core strength and hope that keep me going even though I feel as if I have nothing left. They are the ones that depend on me, the ones that keep my light from burning out, the warmth that draws me back in even when I feel as if I have lost my way.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Enlightment

In the mist of the storm we are working under stress, being guided by emotions and adrenaline where action is necessary for survival. But the dust settles and we can take a step back and really see what is in front of us because in the momentum of we lose track of what really matters. We lose what is really important the day to day matters that face us, not the extreme answers that seemed to suffice when action was needed but today.
I had been reluctantly making decisions for my mother the last two years because she was unable to. However I can finally take that weight off my shoulders because she is stronger and she is able to take charge of her life once again. Even though I really do not want her and my aunt to live with us it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, however now I realize she may feel more comfortable with her own place. Although at this point even though I directly ask her what she wants she doesn't give me a direct answer.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Hi we need to have a talk

Hi there "Me" are you there? It's been a long time since we talked, I don't think the mental list and running away from what's deep inside constitutes talking. I know you been trying hard, well at least trying hard to run away from the pain but that too will end. Woman to woman you have to understand that this is all a part of life, you know by now as many times as you've fallen on your ass you get right up and kept going. You are a fighter and although you've got a bit more lift up now, you are still you. Sure you've strayed away from the path but that's ok that's all a part of life. We make our own paths as we go along...things change, we change and it's only natural to change. It's ok to be afraid, to be disillusioned, but you've got more than just your babies depending on you. You need you...remember how you wanted for your mother to have a life of her own, one that she could find her own happiness and meaning. You my friend are so much like her and all your fore mothers before. It's the way of womanhood but you know times have changed and you have to go with the flow. Stop fighting the tides of change and release yourself and float along with it. Let it help you along it's choppy waters, if you need to stay within the banks and feel your way until your brave enough to swim on your own.

Just as before you will reach your destiny but it's not about the end but the journey in which it takes you. After all there is no real end, only in death and even then we may have another journey in the ever after. But till you get there you need to start living again, loving again, laughing again, and enjoying life. After all weren't you always the one who saw the glass half full? Remember who you are even with all your insecurities and questions because everything will fall in place. Your life awaits you so start living once again.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Keeping Busy

I've been keeping busy this week by organizing all the closets. On Monday I only intended to clean out and reorganize the front closet, then I had to put something in my son's closet and I saw disaster! Holy shit this boy is a pack rat, keeping all the bags and packaging..WTF! Is it too hard to remove the item out of the bag/box and put it away, not stuff the shit back in a bag and throw it in the closet. It became an all day project but I did both of them and I felt so accomplished.

Yesterday the closet organizers I ordered for baby girl's room came so I installed the new organizer in her closet. But I had to first take out all the stuff that was in there (including my clothes) and then remove the standard closet. Much easier said than done, let's say I worked up a sweat taking it all out and then trying to find wall studs to install the new system. It took me 9 hours and I still wasn't finished putting everything away. I had to separate all her baby toys from stuff she uses now, I've got 3 big garbage bags full of clothes and toys. It's amazing how much shit a four year old has, and this isn't the first time I've cleaned her stuff out!

Today I finished putting all her shit away, looks damn good but it was a lot of work. I threatened her she better keep her room the way I left it (yeah right, I've had this conversation with my son and her many times before) I will be surprised if it lasts for a week. Being the resourceful woman I'am I took her old shelf and hung it my closet. It was good that I didn't have to take anything off but it was hard since I was hanging the shelf on top of the existing shelf.

I don't understand why they make such shitty closet designs, there is like 6 feet of space above the shelf. So much wasted storage, the organizer I ordered was actually too short for my closet so I will redo the office closet tomorrow. I feel accomplished however I need baskets and such to make things look neater and nicer..sounds funny you gotta buy more crap to organize the crap you already have!

I'm tired but content, the weeks gone by fast since I've been keeping busy. I was worried since on Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep and tossed and turn all night. Luckily last night I slept and I've got a feeling I will too tonight, keeping busy is good.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Dad..

Even though you are gone you are not forgotten, your legacy lives on through your children, grandchildren and all those you have touched. Words cannot express the emptiness I feel that you are no longer around, I miss you more as the days go by but I try and not think of you. It's not that I don't want to think about you but I can't because I need to live my life. I don't want to hold on to the pain, the what ifs, the regrets because that would only increase the turmoil. And I know you wouldn't want that, so instead I celebrate your life with the kids trying to invoke the wonderful memories of you.

Paul remembers you the most, how could he forget he lived 9 years with you, being loved, spoiled, fed and taken care of by his "Papa"...you were his father, his male role model not just mine. He became your favorite even though he was forbidden but as you said "what guilt does a baby have because of his parents", he was your first grandchild, your first grandson, the light of your life. I remember resenting you at times when you tried to over rule my parenting, spoiling him, making him into a monster. But now I realize he was so lucky to have lived with his "Papa" to have known you, to have been loved by you unlike Sophie who cannot remember you.

"Hi Papa, I love you. I missed you...Happy birthday Papa" she said those words today at the cemetery, without prompting memorizing the words, knowing we are there to visit you and uncle. She's even said it when she has come with mom and aunt...she is so cute but more so I see her trying to remember. She asks me about how you used to hold her in your arms when she was a baby, when she was sleeping and how you would fall asleep sitting there holding her. You wouldn't put her down because you said she would wake up and and couldn't sleep. You loved her so much even if for a brief moment...you told mom how you wished you could have watched Sophie get married, mom laughed because you used to say only until at least to see Paul get married.

Your love was far greater and stronger than I realized, even though you did not express to us in words of your love your departure left us shattered. Our world came crashing down on us and we didn't know what to do. I tried to stay strong for mom, I tired to fulfill your wishes but there was so much chaos and turmoil after you left. I realize now that to ease my pain I had to focus on trying to make everything ok, I took on the burden of being you, the roles your son's did not take nor want so as your daughter I took on the role of taking care of everyone even though it wasn't welcomed. I didn't want to but I had to because mom was falling apart, how could she not be. Her only love, the man she followed to America leaving behind her family and everything she knew had been taken from her life. She could not have even imagined him having cancer let alone dying within weeks of finding out. She was like a child, looking for direction, not knowing what to make of her life, she was completely lost. But with time she is getting better, although she speaks of being with you but she is still young, she deserves to live a happy life. You know she has lived a hard life with you, she regrets none of it only that you left her so early but please give her the permission to live what time she has to the fullest. To do the things she wanted to do with you, I know you would want that for her, with all her sacrifice and devotion to you and your family that's the least you can do for her.

I'm sorry I did not visit you that much this last year but it was the only way I could go on with my life, I've been having a tough time Dad. These last few years have been painful and agonizing but I need to go on and start being mother to my kids and a wife to my husband. I need your help dad to keep things mellow, for some good things to happen to our family, your wife needs it, we all do. I love you Dad and I miss you so much, I think I will always hurt but it won't bring you back. So instead I will live my life to fullest extent, to love and raise my kids with the love and support they need to become kind, good, and successful people. To pass on to them the care and kindness you showed to your family. Thank you for loving me and never losing hope in me regardless of what I did and all the pain I caused.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you. Rest in peace.

Friday, January 9, 2009

All the voices in my head.

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight out forward, that I wouldn't be thinking about things all the time, like my husband. There is no other thoughts, what ifs or questions what he says and feels it what it is, there is no hidden meaning or doubt.

I remember having thoughts (daydreams) starting as a child, no talking to imaginary friends although I did hold many conversations all in my head with people. I would play out scenes, situations where I would be someone else or just me. It kept me occupied, I still do it sometimes but not as much. I guess it maybe a form of escaping although if people are around I would not do it only by myself.

I've thought I was crazy many times although if I was truly crazy I guess I wouldn't think I was crazy. I know I feel too much, that my moods are extreme and from it I write. The pain, guilt, sadness, and emptiness leads me to relieve the pressure that builds from within. It eases some but never really goes away. I dream of being normal or at least what I perceive to be normal, not to have such strong emotions and feelings. In many ways I have gotten better, I stopped being in dysfunctional relationships and realized pain doesn't mean love and security can be boring but being able to depend on your partner means more.

I don't have to second guess whether he is telling me the truth, that he was where he said he was, that he really loves me and his words aren't lies. I remember living my life in pain, full of drama, distrust and question. The emotions were so strong that it did not matter what I felt, but I felt so tired. I could not live my life that way, I had a child depending on me and how could I build a foundation out of lies and deceit. So I moved on, it was hardest thing I ever did leaving him but I had to for my son for me. The pain I had felt from him ripped my heart apart, I felt it ripping through my very being, it seemed surreal. All I wanted was to love him, for him to love me. I thought I could make him change, so I changed, I did more, the harder I tried the further he went away from me. It took awhile for it to snap in but it did.

He punched me in the head, again but this time was the last time. Hell my father had never hit me and there was no way I would let some stupid guy hit me...I had taken the cheating, lying, drinking, drugs and emotional abuse but not this. Somewhere deep within my pathetic shriveled up soul I found my courage and strength to leave him. I look back today its been 14 years since that day and I can not believe that was my life. I feel ashamed for being so pathetic, so pitiful to have loved someone so unworthy of my love, but more than anything I hope my children never feel that type of pain. My greatest fear for them is feeling so bad about themselves that they would not give themselves the chance and dignity to be in such a relationship to begin with. I can say if I had some self esteem, pride or love I would have never been involved with him, with any of them but I did not.

I have so much to say, I start off writing about one thing and it leads into an entire new direction of thought. I didn't start this post thinking I'd write about that part of my life but it was something that needed to be revisited. It doesn't hurt me like it used too or mean as much which I guess means I have healed.

Who I'am

It seems after 36 years I would know who "I'am" but I do not. It seems like every time I felt close to what I thought would me evolved to something I did not recognize or even like. Growing up with insecurities, low self-esteem and uncertainty seemed traits only I had, denying being an child of a immigrant parents made me this way. I remember clearly talking to the school counselor in 7Th grade about trying to kill myself.

My best friend had wrote an paper about her friend who wanted to kill herself...I was that friend so I had to go meet with the school counselor. I was nervous and scared...I don't think I actually drank that day, although at the time it's what got me through these painful years. All I remember was that she (counselor) told me she understood that my pain stemmed from my parents being immigrants....she pissed me off because this was my own self-hatred and had nothing to do with my parents (so I thought). She explained that she too was a daughter of German immigrant parents and she too knew of my pain. I felt anger and hatred for her, what did the hell did she know, she was white she could not know how much I hated being Korean. It wasn't my parents but me, my own self loathing of my small nose, almond eyes, and dark hair not my parents.

I did not understand at the point what impact it had on me and my brothers that my parents were never home. That being a immigrant from Korea did have a huge impact on what we were and who we would become. I never thought of myself as the typical smart Asian student...please I was far from it. My second older brother was smart in that he was very good in math but I did not have that gift. Nope, the only thing I enjoyed doing was reading, writing and drawing. Although I dreamed about being a dancer, singer or an actress. But maybe the Asian in me kept my future in check. It wasn't realistic besides not everyone could make it nor be successful in it. Besides it's not like I had any true talent.

My parents always encouraged us to get good grades, however they did not know how to help us, they did not give us the tools because they did not know. They were too busy trying to survive in a country that was not theirs, raising their children in a culture so different from their own all while scrapping together every cent to buy a home. In the eyes of society they succeeded, they came to the United States with not a cent to their names but accomplished the American Dream. They bought their own home without any help from public assistance. They worked hard for everything the had...they bought cars for their kids when they turned 16 even though they never went out to dinner by themselves. They sacrificed their own lives for their children and family although at the same time they were destroying themselves. It's their self sacrifice that has gave us our lives, this chance.

Looking back at my parents lives (as well as other family members) I understand they have lived their lives from a very different time, not just culturally different. They were from the old school generation who experienced the war, hunger, basic survival so unlike the experiences we faced. To say that we were just influenced by different cultural ideologies and understandings would be a stretch. They were trying to adapt to a new world, new ideas all awhile trying to keep the familiar, trying to instill the virtues and beliefs of yesterday to their children who painfully tried to fit into today.

To say I was the only one to feel the pain and self doubt would be a lie, after coming upon so many personal blogs on the web about other Korean American people, ones who had similar experiences as mine if not the sheer doubt and pain of being different, not being accepted. I realize who "I'am" today results from these experiences, the experiences of my past, of my parent's past, that we are all intertwined together. That the foundation of who we are extends from them and coming from immigrants that do not know their place in a new society it is hard to pass on confidence and ability to their children. But even so many immigrant parents do just that, they pass on roots, foundation of self through tradition those we may have fought so hard against while growing up but now embracing as adults. Some lucky ones have embraced theirs sooner but most have not understood until they too became parents.

Once we became parents we were able to feel the love, fear, pain and joy it meant to have a extension of ourselves. All the dreams and hopes we may have lost long ago were reborn with this new chance. So we slowly began to understand our parents, slowly the words that seemed so repetitive and annoying became wise and precious. We began to understand the words sometimes that seemed cruel or cold came from a warm place of love. Love for us, the love our parents showed us were neither through words or even embraces but through actions, commitment and always standing by us after pushing us down. It is their love for us that kept us going even though we thought we were so alone, they stood beside us.

I realize this now that even though I had my son at 20, not married my parents never kicked me out. They could have after all, parents do it all the time, disowning their children. I wasn't following their rules and did what I wanted but they never abandoned me...sure there were many expressions of disappointment and shame from my mom but they never lost hope in me. They continued to love me not in words or by hugs because that wasn't their way but by keeping me close, supporting me in ways I did not understand.

The parts of me I did not understand or hated became my source of strength and power. From my understanding of my past, my parents history can I face the future, my children's future.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My fears...

As I laid in the hospital bed I couldn't catch a deep breathe...I felt like I was drowning, I could actually hear the fluid in my lungs. I felt hot and clammy and so dizzy, looking at her little face mad me so scared. I felt like I was dying...I had my first full blown anxiety attack. I told him to put her back in the baby case, to take her back to the nurses, I needed to escape but how could I escape this enormous heavy body, I felt the pain rippling through my gut. Damn it hurt but I needed to get up...I was dying.

"I have fluid in my lungs, I swear I can't breathe!" as the tears streamed down my face I was trying to catch a deep breath but I couldn't. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy and said they called the doctor however they didn't even attempt to check me to see if I had any fluid in my chest. So I sat there quietly sobbing trying to breathe all while he was trying to comfort me but not knowing what to do.

It all seems so far away, like it was someone else's life not my own but since that day on she has caused me a dread and fear within my gut. I have continued to experience although not as bad as that day in the hospital but whenever I have to take her to the doctor or even the topic of her having issues with her teeth.

Baby girl had soft teeth, or lack of teeth enamel so when her baby teeth came in they were soft to the touch. I remember wiping them with a wash cloth and felt them, they were soft not like normal teeth. This started the painful and traumatizing fear she has with doctors/dentist. I feel guilt although there is nothing I could have done to prevent them. There are some speculation or even straight dismissal that soft teeth exists but it does.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The truth is in front of us.....

Finally the entertaining and family get together are over and I can take a breather. It wasn't so bad as I pictured in my warped mind but nice and fun. Even though I had budgeted for Christmas I blew the budget, I didn't want to stress over the money and decided I would just deal with it when the bills came. Besides we are already in debt and I wanted to have a less stressful Christmas...hell we can't have a budget when we got guests to entertain! But be it in the universe, star whatever it all worked it self out. I got some serious money for my birthday...all in cash so that helped, and the hubby got his bonus (rumor was there wasn't one this year) so even with property taxes, homeowners insurance and auto insurance and the holidays we did ok.

I'm relieved its all over...I'm hoping for a better year and so far it's been ok. Today we took the kids out for a hike and it was really nice to get out and sweat. I packed some sandwiches and snacks and ate on the trial, there was a water fall..small but nice. My cousin and her family joined us, I think we must have hiked like 5 miles or so, with a baby and two preschoolers so that in itself was a feat besides our asses not being in shape. I even signed up baby girl for a gymnastics class for every Tuesday for 6 weeks so I'm trying to venture out and spend time with her, besides I need to get her ready for kindergarten since we will be sending her in September. She is so ready I can tell, that's one thing I need to do and that is pay attention to her needs. I haven't done all the things I did with my son, I guess you do become more relaxed after each child. I 'm not worried though...I'm not obsessing over her learning her ABC's or 123's or any of that shit. I figure she will learn fine at school...I'm not worried.


I realized most of my anxiety and depression extends from trying to control my mom's life, well that is protecting her and shielding her even though it's not possible. I have over extended myself in trying to do everything all while neglecting my own kids and husband. Following in my parents footsteps in taking care of others instead of focusing on my own kids and my needs. Change is hard but we get to a point where we must either accept it as it is or change ourselves. It can't go on like this forever because we know that is not possible, it never is. I don't think its possible that one day it just clicks but gradually it does. We get to the point where we can't, we won't let it go on further. We've reached our breaking point and one way or another it has to change because things can't go on anymore as they have. Sure ignoring it going through the motions only last or so long...the damn is going to burst only so many attempts in patching the leaks till the damn comes crumbling down.

I've reached the breaking point and I'm working on me, I don't like what I've become but more so I don't want this to be the mom my kids remember. So I choose to live my life the way I should, the life I want to live...I want to live that way because after all we have only one life. I don't want to regret anymore, I don't want to look back and think wow i wasted all those years when I could have done the things I wanted too. So I choose to move forward and in the direction I want, not let it pull me. I'm giving myself a chance.