We're committed!

So we did it, we made a commitment to a new family member and it's a girl! We had always wanted a dog but the timing had never been right, for the last few months I thought about getting us a new family member, going back and forth with all the pros and cons. We knew we wanted a small dog since it would be an indoor dog, one that doesn't shed much, one that doesn't require tons of activity and most likely a pound dog. Even though puppies are adorable we know they need lots of training to be house trained. We know there are allot of dogs out there needing love so that’s why we decided on a pound dog. Her name is Lucky Sa-rang-ee Lee and she is from Korea, we adopted her from Happy Ending Rescue , a wonderful small organization that rescues dogs from Korea. We actually found her on petfinder.com while doing a general search. I couldn't resist how adorable she was; even though she is four years old she still looks like a puppy but is house broken and very sweet! We all fell in love with her and within a day we drove down to Anaheim to see her at her foster home.

Lucky ran right up to us and wanted some love, she laid on her back wanting her tummy to be rubbed. I even cradled her in my arms like a baby and she just laid there nuzzling her face to my breast! We were definitely impressed by her sweetness and knew we wanted her. We confirmed we wanted her that night and she would be brought to our home for a final inspection and delivery. She has been in our home since Sunday but it feels like she's been here forever, she fits in with our family perfectly and she is such a great dog! I can't believe how well adapted and wonderful she is!

She is our Chinese Korean dog, just like our Chinese Korean household, she is prefect for us. I know it sounds corny but I feel like she was meant for us. I have to admit sometimes I do believe in things were meant to be, not just random! Her name was Ai-Chan, changed from Sa-rang-ee from Korea but we decided on Lucky because she is lucky we believe to come from all the way over from Korea. I wanted to keep her name Sa-rang-ee (means love in Korean) however my son said it was too hard to pronounce, so that is why it is her middle name.

Sometimes I feel like writing, I have lots to get off my chest but then other times nothing. I have no inspiration what so ever to write anything, I follow all my blogs with earnest and dedication but I have nothing. Sometimes more than not I seem to be flat, no real emotion, like if I'm in energy conservation mode. It seem easier, I guess I'm used to be being brain dead since its been a few years I have been on this hiatus but I really believe I need to go back. I need conversation, I need mental stimulation, I need to work my brain by learning new things. Being a SAHM isn't for me not permanently regardless of how much money we had, if we had it. I need more than cleaning house, cooking meals and taking care of my family. It just doesn't cut it for me, the truth be it I believe I'm not cut out for this. I don't have the patience, I have more patience and understanding towards other kids just not mine.

The daily small repetitive things irk me, so monotonous and predictable. I miss conversation with people outside of my family. I miss having debates, differences of opinions and intellect, smart ass teenage ramblings and incessant whining of four year old don't count. Unfortunately hubby isn't much of a thinker or conversationalist, I talk he listens. I didn't marry him for his debating skills, did I mention it's like talking to a wall. Love the man, love the kids just need some good conversation sometimes.

I miss good conversation.

"You can't...."

"You can't let her watch this kind of stuff mom, she is too young. She's not supposed to be liking boys till like she is 10, she supposed to think they are yucky!"
This is what my 15 year old son told me 5 min. ago because the tv is on and zoey 101 is on. Not that baby girl is really watching it, but since he changed the channel she had a fit. They have been on each other's back since he got home 2 and half hours ago. Go figure I didn't think there would be sibling bickering with a age gap of 11 years, figured wrong!

My son is already so overprotective of his baby sister, he's told me he doesn't want her to grow up to be a stupid girl he wants her to do sports, he doesn't want her to wear skirts or shorts. He says he knows what boys think about when they look at girls, he doesn't want that for his baby sister. He says "boys are dirty mom, they really are, I know how they are cause I know how I'm". He actually left wrestling class because they had a sub and they were just standing in the gym watching the cheerleaders. He said he felt like a pervert, he thought the sub was one too, they weren't doing anything but just standing around watching the cheerleaders so he and friend left. He felt like he was being disrespectful and didn't want to be. He made me laugh but I was proud to know he had respect for females and not to act on things, even if he thought it.

I have two older brothers and they were never that over protective of me. I feel bad for baby girl cause she not only has a dad but a big brother protecting her. Baby girl is a girlie girl, so unlike me, at least not that I remember. She loves Disney Princesses and Barbie and at first I was determined for her not to like that crap. I hated the idea of her falling into the Princess crap, being helpless waiting for her Prince charming but then I realized I shouldn't push my ideologies on her yet. She loved baby dolls since she was 9 months old, pretending to breast feed her toys. She is drawn to glittery stuff, pink stuff, but she also loves the color blue. She chooses her clothes, she brushes her hair, she hates being dirty, whenever she comes in from anywhere she goes into the bathroom to wash her hands.

I want my kids to be themselves, without me telling them what to be. I want to give them all the tools to be the best people they can be, yet not to short change themselves by taking the easy way out. Sometimes I fear without experiencing hardship and want they will not be grateful of everything they do have. However I realize we can't compare our lives to theirs, just like i can't compare my life from my parents. Different circumstance and time, unless you live through it you can not understand. So be it I will try and parent without too much judgement and no "when I was your age" stories although I may have slipped up on both. So I will try and let them be their own individuals with support and understanding to the best of my abilities. I will slip up as I have, I will push them in directions that may have been my own but in the end I will give them the tools and confidence to become the very best they can be to be happy. That's what matters in the end, loving and believing in themselves.

Trapped

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so bad why did she feel this way, why couldn’t she lift herself from this. She had always struggled in the past, regardless of how bad things got she was able to push herself through. Now looking back she didn’t know how she did it but she did, after all she came this far. Now she was stuck, unable to free herself because she did not know what it was that held her. Whatever strength she may have held before was drained, empty and gone….so far gone now. It shouldn’t be this way but it was.

Looking back it would seem there was no such thing as bleakness or resentment but it became very clear to her she felt it. It wasn’t to anyone but for her self, her lack of drive, passion and joy. There was no one to blame and so she accepted it however it didn’t make things better. That’s all she wanted, to feel ok. Yet she wasn’t able to hold on that feeling, yes she did feel ok even great some days but then as soon as it came it left but worse left her lifeless, bleak, numb. It hurt her in ways she was unable to explain, she didn’t want to feel this way but she had no control over it, just like everything else in her life. But one would think one could control their feeling, emotions but hers was so far from that…it was easier to control other people’s emotions and feelings. She always felt good because she could make others feel better, even though she wasn’t able to make herself feel ok she was able to make others feel good…that made her feel ok. But that now slipped far away too after all she was alone at home with her baby. It didn’t make sense why she felt so trapped.

Simple

I tend on to hold onto things from the past, dreaming of the future and not live in present. It' saddens me because I realize I do not like today, I'm always waiting for tomorrow to happen, when I believe things will get better. Before I know it times has past and I don't remember living it because I haven't. I have let hours, days, years slip past my fingers trying to be something else, to improve, to be better. But I only see the shadow of my former self, the hopes, dreams and energy of youth are far gone. Physically I have changed wrinkles, aged, gained weight, I lack the luster and hope of youth. .I'am weathered and beaten far before my years. I do not recognize this person I’ am, if it weren't for the pictures of my former self I would find it hard to believe I was ever young, hopeful or bright.

But I do not hate myself as I did in my former years, I accept who I'm although now I wonder if acceptance is better. I do not know whether just by the extremes I had lived in my younger years I have aged so or have I lost all ability to hope and dream. I'm only 35 going on 36 years but I feel like I'm in my sixties, I feel much older than I'm supposed to be. I do not like this new self, the shell that is although I do not wish to go back to the recklessness of my yester years.

They say youth is wasted on the young but with age I notice we become bitter, scarred from our battles, the enthusiasm of youth, the novelty far gone. I don't know if I would trade all the knowledge in the world because with this we lose our wonder, delight and awe of the simpler things in life. Things become more complicated, nothing is right or wrong, there are always different perspectives and view points, nothing is black and white, good or evil but all different shades of grey.

I miss the simpler times, I wish for the desire and fire to be within myself but all that is left are ashes. Cold and grey, it is empty.

Sleep

I haven't been able to sleep, well less than usual but this time because my mind has been "on". You know the constant thoughts and ideas that go on in your head even when you want to turn it off to sleep. But no sleep just more ideas and thoughts..I can hear the rusty gears slowly cranking in motion, evidently the little bit of reading I accomplished has set the gears in motion. Good grief what did I start? I mean it's good I'm using my mind a bit more but I need sleep, ok I haven't had good restful sleep in awhile but sleep neverless. So last night I fell asleep at a decent hour 1145, but I woke up from a dream and I couldn't get back to sleep.

I had so many things I wanted to write about, but today nothing..blah..my mind is a black hole. All that kept me awake has slipped into the dark pit and I have no recollection of what kept me awake all night! Old age, brain fart, or motherhood, not cool. I thought maybe if I wrote it all down I would be able to sleep tonight, maybe I need to get up and write it all down while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Reading

I used to love reading spending days enamoured with a book until I consumed the last pages. I could not have enough because it let me escape, to live another life, to feel, experience in some one elses life escaping my own. It has been years since I have read with such fervor and relish as I did as a child, but I long to hold that enchantment and escape. I miss the connection however abstract with the books I read. I miss it all, to widen my world even though I'm chained into my own reality. The escape I have needed I have sought in books, as before. I started reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, for some reason I had never read this book but heard of it so often I found it online. I finished it half an hour ago and even though it did not enrapture me as other books it gave me thought and reflection. I led me away from my own dreary life to another time, another life, to step outside of my own pitiful complaints and boredom. I finished the book in two days, reading, devouring the book with such hunger for I had been famished for mental intellect.

The greatest joys I 've had were of learning of things new and different, school brought time joy although the testing always turned me off the learning always lite a fire of curiosity and pleasure for me. It is refreshing to know that I'm still enlightened and fulfilled by my mind, I feel refreshed and curious to learn, I feel a little light has shinned into my deep dark cave leading me to the light I so desperately sought. I feel hope, and I'm not completely lost..the insanity has either completely taken over or the fog has lifted for today. Regardless I feel a bit more of my old self, I need to challenge my mind and seek out my yearning of learning new things.

Wooohoooo OBAMA is President!!!

I just want to say "Yes and in your face McCain/Palin!!!" I'm so joyful, elated and humbled by this moment in American history. Finally America has stepped into the 21'st century as a nation of equality and freedom. I feel proud to be an American at this moment, I just hope that prop 8 fails and California's realized that it was about taking away people's rights, not destroying family.

Listening to McCain's speech right now, how lame of his people to boo when he said Obama's name, but I guess not surprised. I feel sorry for him but we needed change, we needed Obama!

I never really feared death growing up, actually eagerly awaiting it. As I became a teenager I tried killing my self many times, I felt so much pain all I wanted was peace, not to feel the pain but sleep forever and never wake up. Part of the drinking was to numb myself, to give myself courage to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes wonder if this depression thing is really a chemical imbalance or just self-hatred. It amazes me that even now as a woman who is almost 36 I still lack the self confidence and belief in myself. I feel scared and unable, I feel so small and insignificant but worst I know i shouldn't feel this way but I do.

I know rationally that I should not feel this way but I cannot stop feeling this way. I feel numb, not in pain but I do not feel any joy either. My life is just that, not the worst, nor the best, it is stagnant. I read other people's blog and they are living their lives, their dreams, they have a focus, a hobby, something that brings them joy, their children bring them joy. I do not feel this way, I want to but I don't. I love my children and know they are precious but as of lately I'm tired, I wish to sleep, to get away from it all. I'm tired of worrying about the bills, the happiness and well being of others...I'm tired of taking care of others, I have not taken care of myself, I have lost what little self I had found, it is completely gone. I'm so far gone that I have nothing left to care about others...all the things that used to bring me joy does not.

I do not want to seek company of others, I do not want to entertain others in my home but that is in the plans. I will have guests for Thanksgiving and Christmas, hosting both events at my home. Before I never thought it as a chore or burden but now I feel overwhelmed and I'm dreading it. I don't feel like socializing, worrying about how clean the house will be, stocking up on food, thinking about what to cook...I don't know what has happened to me but all of that makes me feel anxious not joyful. The worst part is it is my husband's family so I must entertain them as well as making sure they are comfortable and well fed. No hiding out in my room. I know I suck...I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Everything feels like a burden to me.

I'm a burden to myself...I want to escape...a drink isn't going to help this time.

All in a day

It's past one Saturday morning and I'm barely winding down from day (Friday). Trick or treating was a success, gave away all the candy, we had alot of kids(at least 50+) and I got some baking done too. We made pizza for dinner so I had to make up some pizza dough, while I was in the mood I had make a double batch of chocolate ship cookies ( i freeze half of batter) and some sugar cookies. I found this awesome recipe at allrecipes.com. This sugar cookie rocked, so soft and crisp at the same time. I even ended up decorating it using a icing recipe at allrecipes, this one included using corn syrup with the milk.

I don't know if this recipe is just fool proof or I'm just better at baking now but the cookie turned out awesome, a definite keeper. It helps to read the comments by users cause they offer great suggestions and changes, that way you can make the cookies with all the suggestions. I personally added like 1/4 cup more of sugar and another tsp. of vanilla and I used the parchment paper to roll out the dough and cut out the shapes. I had it in the fridge for about 5 hours before I used it and it was so easy to use. I didn't need to add flour or sugar to keep it from sticking. I actually had my nieces help me cut out the shapes however they had to go home before I baked them. So they missed out on the best part, decorations (going to drop off some cookies to them later today).

However I had another eager group of helpers to fill in, my cousin, her son, my baby girl, and hubby decorated the cookies. Filling the whole cookie with color makes it look much prettier, although I did make some goofy looking cookies. It was fun although my feet hurt from standing most of the day. I barely finished up cleaning up all the mess, crumbs, dishes and cookie sheets at around midnight.

Then I finished imputing a few bills I received today, caught up on some blogs and now winding down for some sleep. Heading to mom's tomorrow to hopefully install the bath tub and get some more work done on the house. Hopefully the bath tub is in stock at The Home Depot, they didn't have it in stock last week. Although it did take better half of Saturday to take out the old tub and we were able to work on moving the light over and patch up the wall. Ok, hubby worked on it and I felt lazy and unmotivated, again!

Stupid pms jacked me up, having pre cramps even though it hasn't started yet. Figures I feel bloated and crampy even before the fact...lamn really hate it...good side I'm not super crazy yet and drinking the beer last night was great. I felt relaxed and got a slight buzz on, god it had been such a long time and luckily it hit the spot. I really needed it, my back/shoulder pain even disappeared for a bit. They say its healthy to have a drink now and then, maybe I will start having one a few times a week.