Please excuse the writing (lack of grammer, spelling, sentence structure etc). I write this as it comes out, vomit.

It has been a long time since I wrote but I really had nothing to write about. Life has gone by and it has been the same thing, only the physical date changes but I'm frozen in time. I have not changed, I have not lost weight, I have not gone to a doctor, dentist...I'm afloat in my vast sea of despair. But it's not in turmoil of waves or a storm but alone far from any land. I have no paddle, just floating along, no sharks in sight, no rescue ships either, no search planes...nothing but myself helpless yet not in deep despair. I survive, the days go by but I do not live. One can't live while floating alone in the vast deep ocean. The days all seem the same, they are the same, repetition and yet deep down I'm drowning in my own self. I scream but nothing comes out of my mouth...I reach out so I can help myself but I only push myself in deeper. I watch myself drowning in my own emptiness and I don't care.

I never imagined myself as an adult I always thought I would die at a young age and the thought of death never scared me. It still doesn't..yes I'm a coward because I don't care because I have seemed to have lived my entire life to receive approval from my family. The few times I tried to do what I believed I wanted failed so miserably, so the last 15 years I have tired to live for what I knew was the "right way". But with it comes the realization that I'm gone...that I hate myself for not following what I wanted in my life. I say my life so easily yet it really isn't my own. I don't know if it has to do with being Korean female or is it my own disfunctional family but wanting nothing more than their approval, acceptance from people who can't. I have given up my own dreams and self and here I "live" this life I do not want. I have faced the truth and it is clear that I was so damn busy trying to win approval to be accepted that here I live a life I do not want. I'm so miserable because being a good housewife, mother, daughter is not what I want. I wanted to travel, to see the world, I did not want to be tied down to a house, a mortgage, the perfect subrbabn housewife. I wanted so much more, as my life quickly passes me by I'am bound in chains of my own making to a life I do not want. I look into lives of others envious and in awe of how they live their lives as they wanted, not bound by chains or tradition but by their own desires. I'm trapped into this life by own making suffering in regret and anger at myself for not following my own dream. I'm that little girl who so desperately wants approval and acceptance but regardless of what I do it will never happen since I was not born a boy. It does not matter that I sacrifice my own life as well as my own family I will never be accepted the way I should. I have taken on the roles of husband, son while only a daughter.

I'm bitter, but more so angry at myself for doing things that aren't asked of me yet feeling hopeless since I'm the only one willing to do it all. I can't complain since I did it on my own...I'm disgusted by customs, by the blindness of the older generation of their love of their sons and burden of their daughters. Yet it is the daughter that has done everything and yet I do not hear any good from it...mere words do not the change the fact when the son does appear once and their is joy and pride in my mother's eyes. One day of small work brings praise and poor thing must be tired...yet the endless hours, days, weekends, months of work from their son-in-law does not bring in such joy or pride. Yes it makes me angry and disgusted at the favoritism that is so obvious, I hate that I have even started this and I wish I could turn my back and be the stranger that daughters are to be. Not to get involved but watch from far away...let her son's take care of her needs, but here I have attached myself even more so to her. Her needless nagging and complaining, nothing ever being good enough. I hate myself looking for her approval, being careful of how things are done cause I look at things in her eyes...looking for the mistakes. I'am her, the constant correcting, complaining, never grateful but self sacrificing yet so bitter woman.

I hate myself for what I have become, not just for the fat, but the person inside. The person I have lost, the laughter, the one living life, not shuttered inside her own home, the one with many friends, the one who loved doing things, being out doors not a prisoner of my own making. I'm screaming, trying to claw out of my own padded room. But I do not let her out, I hold the key yet I cannot turn it to free myself.

So in the vast, empty sea I float alone screaming to get off yet no one is around to hear me let alone myself. I'm pitiful and sad because I do not have the balls to free myself.