Ok

Well all is ok even with my melt down although in many ways they are actually tamer in ways and just going with it instead of fighting it seemed to make it pass without too much destruction. I'm feeling fine actually besides have some body aches which could be related to all the illness that is running rampant at the kids schools or maybe just arthritis due from the damp weather, either way I stayed home yesterday. Well that is I kept baby girl home with me and we snuggled and watched movies all day. She has had a slight cough for the past two months not sure if its a cold or allergies but gave her plenty of soup to congest her. She was actually bored and wanted to go to school...go figure I actually have a child that loves school! It was a great day of relaxing and spending time with her and I do believe that is why I woke up in a better mood today.

I'm feeling tired still and stiff in my joints but mood wise I'm ok. Even though there is a lot on my mind I have been able to separate it all with out it consuming me. So much to do yet I haven't started on it yet, still the procrastinator. I actually haven't wrote anything for the last few days even though I always have thoughts running in my head, things to do, things I regret, things I want change, stuff I have to do, what to make for dinner, etc. Constant things but I have also been able to quiet my mind when I need too.

I also realized I have some writings on here I haven't published, many are incomplete but things I had been going through. I think I will publish them after I spell check them since I'm a horrible speller but as is, incomplete and unfinished.

Parenting

Baby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my commitment of hour of reading, cleaning, helping with the art projects and then making copies for the 6 first grade classes. So I'm over done, baked, burnt, toasted just so over it. I still have to bake cookies for their Valentine's Day party on Monday besides helping them with the party. Usually I'm not such a grump but quite chirpy and so agreeable as I say yes to everything that is asked of me as what else would I be doing since I'm not working a real job.

I feel useless and the job I'm doing as a parent I seem to be failing rapidly. My son doesn't want to college as he seeks to remind me of every opportunity he has. The sad part is he is really a smart kid, not that just cause he is my kid..hell More like the opposite but he says he hates school...yadda yadda and it isn't for him and he doesn't know what he wants to do. In reality I really do listen to what he has to say maybe too much because I try to work with him. Instead of going straight to a four year college he was going to a community college and transfer but then he wanted to take a year off to travel and just the other night how he isn't made for school. So what does a mother do..he tells me he hates school..shit I hated school..but he doesn't get most people who go hate it but it's about jumping through the hoops, staying with something, finishing the commitment. Although as this point I really want to jump this ship on I'm on called parenting. I tell him I understand but he is the typical teenager who only sees what he wants right now and doesn't get the future is way different than what he thinks of it now. So what do you tell a kid who thinks he has life all figured out..sometimes I think I should have gone with the old school of parenting of not listening to your kids or talking to them but just telling them what to do without any back talk!

Parenting really sucks and I want out!

In circles

As much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the hills, the beach, on a one way plane just outta here from my life. So I regress and complain and whine about how pitiful and lame my life is, how the daily drudgery that is my life sucks out all the hope I may have. No matter how much joy and enthusiasm I try to muster up each day it is all sucked out by what is the living parasites I call my children and my mother. Yes I do love them but the reality is I have to solve every one's problems, find something that is missing (even though its right in front of their eyes), to bake the weekly bread, to bake my mom's bread, to volunteer in class, to stay after and help, to make dinner, to pay the bills, to get our papers as well as my mom's to file taxes, to look in the ad's to find sales for groceries, to stock up on the necessities (even those I don't eat), to find ways to keep the house running, to pick up and put away things otherwise our home could be featured on hoarders. So I muster up enough energy to stay positive, in the present, to stay afloat in this chess pool that is my life. Yeah I'm bitchy and negative and most likely PMSing out but I guess it's better to rant and rave here than at my children. Gawd my life sucks....yeah I know it doesn't but for these few hours it does. (Sigh)I'm off to conquer my next goal...dinner.