Trying

I have been trying to work on this beast within myself and at times I have felt that I have overcome the grasp that slowly pulls me down within my internal abyss of darkness. There are great days, so that I feel like I have rebounded into my life, into my old self and this flabby shell of an body isn't me but my former self is waiting to emerge out. But then I awaken in fear, trying to reach for that light, it's there right in front of me within reach but I cannot reach it. I fall into the dark, the dull void pulls me in oozing around my body not wanting to let go. I fight this time because I do not want to fall back into the darkness, I want to walk within the light, I want to feel the warmth, I want to see what is around me, I do not want to waste my life living amongst the dead. So the battle continues within my self but then I realize there are outside factors that make me despair, that put me right back at what I had been working so hard to over come. I know I can't change the others, the things around me but I can change how I react, how I take or leave a situation. I realize most of my battles have been within myself, with myself. It maybe issues with others but the battle ground has been internal and I have brought it in. So how do I learn not to bring it in, not to take it personal, not to consume me, to quiet the voices?

Quiet the mind, I have by accident read EAT, Pray, Love and it spoke to me, it was strange because I happened upon it by chance not that I thought it would be interesting but because I found it free on my e-reader. So I read it and it made sense to me, about meditating of clearing ones mind. It seems so simple to just sit and clear the mind but it is a very difficult thing to do. To have no thought about anything to focus on your breathing, to give ones mind a break. We are so inundated with noise be it from our own mind or what is around us but we forget to live in the moment. We are always constantly thinking about tomorrow the next day. I realized that in the past 6 years I had been living for tomorrow, that I don't remember much of the small details that my kids have grown and I don't remember. Time has flown by and here I sit aged and I do not know where the hell my life went.

I don't know whether it is because I'm awakening from this night mare called depression but I realize years, I don't mean months, days or even min. but freaken years have passed and I do not hold a single good memory of it all. I look at my baby and she is already 6, there is no evidence of a baby on her, all her fat has gone. My son is a senior, he is almost 18! I can't believe he will be graduating high school, almost onto his own life. I do not know how fast the years have gone by but I guess the road spiraling down into depression is a fast and unforgiving one. So I trying to grasp onto the few moments I do have left with my kids before they too reach into adulthood and live their own lives.

I feel a sadness but not that I want to wallow in my own self pity but more so to state I know what I have done wrong and try to go forward from here. I started writing today because I felt like I was being pulled back down into the abyss. I wanted to write but didn't feel like writing. Even though writing used to ease me it only made things worst, like focusing a magnifying glass on a small sore which enlarged it into something greater than it really is. I'm trying to learn to be grateful, I'm trying to control my anger, I'm trying to be forgiving, I'm trying to live in the moment. I do not want to fall back into the abyss, I want to move forward, in the moment, to take the good and bad but not to dwell on it.