Being Present

It seems so obvious and simple that it is completely missed and over looked. That being in the present and not looking forward or back is the key to contentment. I realize being present in the right now is so difficult for me to do. My mind is usually occupied with things in the past or looking into the future when today passes me by and I wonder where it went. This has been my life for the past 6 years, always regret for one thing or another, always envying other people's lives, wanting what I think they have, not appreciating what I have, not being present in my life, finding excuses for why I do not. So it stops now, I know what is good for me and I know when I'm falling into the pit of darkness. Instead of falling I need to reach out and grab hold of the supports that are within my reach. I need to grab with my hands and pull myself out, instead of watching myself sink within the fog. It's time I fought instead of going down passively. So I live in the present, being aware of the right now and when my emotions and mind float away call it out for what it is and not go away with it. Iam not my emotions or thoughts, they are only a reaction to my fears and doubts, not the person Iam.

The Year of Change

So I 've made up my mind to change, ok so it's been a long time coming but this year,2011 I will really make the steps to work on all the things that I need to change, to improve, to grow, to hopefully better myself. So 2011 has already started and it's officially January 18th today I start.

I will write every day on paper, not just here but use a pen or pencil on paper regardless of what it is. This means it can be a sentence but most likely more because I've also included that I need to write two words a day because I'm a terrible speller and this means getting the definition and maybe even the synonym too and of course spell it correctly! My change will have to do with our finances in which means i will get a job, to be conscious (yes this one os my two words today!) of how we spend and of what I eat, do and say. Yes to live in the moment, today not yesterday or tomorrow but today, the here and now.

This also means I will lose weight and maintain it, meaning so I can fit into my old clothes which relates to I will not purchase any clothes at all this year. I will either have to fit into what I have or to fix it so it will fit. This also goes for buying stuff we need to "stock" up on since we only have 5 cans left not the 15 we usually have in the pantry. I have to admit when it comes to food we are hoarders...well not like the crazy ones on tv but to the point we are well stocked on certain pantry items. So instead of buying things cause we ran low I will be consciously shopping only on things we need now. I really let the finances go to hell last year, I was tired of shopping for deals and coupons. It felt good not to worry about the budget although in the back of my mind I was worried. But I did learn to not listen to that inner voice.

In ways not listening to the inner voice has been good in ways although in otters not so. So I guess

Grateful

Sometimes it's hard to feel grateful and positive when dealing with a 17 year old and a 6 year old. I try to remind myself how it could be worst but sometimes it's hard to believe since I gave up my life for them.

Puff puff

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in the back. The sick part was they were for my dad...well for him when we visited his plot, as a way of showing respect. I know very sick and distorted since that is what killed him but I guess in tradition you are to take the things that the person enjoyed in their life. I stopped going to see him because I guess I really don't think he is there.

I guess it's timely since tomorrow is his birthday, January 13 and I have to go to my mom's house to cook food for Chesa. I don't know if it's that or just my standard crazy ass PMS but I feel so crappy this week. Although walking makes me feel so much better but that fades quickly after a few hours. But the desire for that cigarette is there. Although I don't want the initial puff in which I become light headed and get a headache..that sucks but the so called relief I get from sucking in the smoke which feels like it's relaxing me in reality it is but it's really killing me. I want that sensation, I know it's false but it's a craving that's been there for the last few months. I picture myself going to the store to buy a pack so I can have my emergency death stick. But even if I was to do so the first few cigarettes would only make me feel nauseous and sick...to feel the satisfaction wouldn't come until my body fully becomes acclimated to the death vapors. So instead I'm writing about it. (Sigh)

Thought

To be categorized, labeled, grouped, clustered, classed, named, slotted and defined we are a part of society, to others even to our self. In the ways of man we label everything in our world, and if there is not a label we seek one out to define it to shove it in what believe it to be fitting. However we change and reassign because "new" things have been discovered when in reality we never knew all there was to know. This is how we define our lives, trying to fit into a certain group, a subset of beliefs we believe to be ours or ones we think we may want. But in reality we are not stagnant, we change constantly, we age, our thoughts and opinions and beliefs change. Yet we see ourselves in this distorted way of what we were groomed to be seen as ideal even though we do not really believe it. As we grow older we start regretting the past, the choicest we've made or our reactions to things in our past but more than anything we regret hating ourselves for reasons so shallow and distorted.

As much insight as we think we have about our past younger selves we still abuse ourselves for who we are today. Not enjoying who we are today but trying to be thinner, healthier, richer, more successful, and maybe even kinder because we can never be satisfied with what we are today because we are constantly looking backward or forward not in the present. We do not like ourselves in the present even though we swear we are wiser than we were yesterday and surly 10 years ago but in fact we don't want to see who we are today. The lines that do not go away after we smile, the dark sun spots that are scattered around our face and body, the grey hairs that seem to double nightly. The gut that hangs over, the rolls that lay on the back and the jiggle that keeps wiggling long after we've sat down.

2011

2010 came and went in a flash...I know time goes by faster as we age but wow this year really went by fast. On the positive note I went through much of it out of the fog, being present and making changes within myself getting better. Not saying I'm ok, prefect because I don't think that will ever be the reality for me. But being able to have my bad days, hell everyone has bad days and not being consumed by the fog. Even though for a bit there I felt over come with dread and the depression dragged my ass back into the abyss but this time I came up rather quickly into the surface. I say this fearing I'm only jinxing myself that admitting this, writing it down will most definitely cause the depression to embrace me once again. But I know I'll be ok even if I'm dragged under because I can see it coming now and I can accept it for what it is.

Acceptance who knew that would be the key, it's mater of fighting ourselves, denying what is there, things that are ugly about ourselves and others, Expecting perfection and godliness in ourselves and others, not being able to forgive and let go of the past, to move forward and leave our baggage behind. It's funny how psychologist are often ridiculed and made fun of with their belief in that most of our problems stem from childhood, that the things we experienced and learned are the root of our problems and psychosis as adults. Even though I was a psychology major I didn't believe that either. Because I felt like that as adults we are free to choose, to make decisions on our own, but now looking at my self I realize so many of my fears and anxieties extend from my experiences as a child. That my fears, disappointments, self doubt/hate come from that innocent child that learned how to cope and deal with life, to survive. Having my own children those fears surface in many forms, they battle within my mind through my emotions.

In so many ways I'm better than I was a year ago but there is yet so much to learn and grow. I know I speak about having to change but that seems harsh and forceful when in reality I'm not a stagnant being but one that grows (physically and mentally)and evolves. As long as I'm open and willing to learn the changes can take place on their own. So my resolutions for this New Year are to be patient with my children and self, to find inner peace and quiet all the noise, to live in the present and enjoy what I have, find a job and be a better wife. And of course exercise but that fits in with the inner peace.