The Calm after the storm

Right after my latest rant fest/melt down things have looked brighter. For one the next day son comes home with a bouquet of flowers and tells me how he appreciates me and loves me. The same morning I'm not yelling for baby girl to hurry up and eat, no arguments or break downs (mine) and homework after school is a breeze. She gets it, no complaining, no whining. And the crazy part is that I should be PMSing like a lunatic right now. I mean full blown anxiety, rage of hormones but nothing.

I'm not sure if part of it has to do with my diet, well I have been eating seaweed soup every day for the last two weeks. Not for every meal but at least twice a day and eating whatever else I want. I first started with just eating a soup diet but I got turned off by the first few days, so I figured why not go to having Korean seaweed soup. It really good for you and it wouldn't hurt after all this is what I had for every meal after the birth of my kids. So maybe since it's high in calcium it helping? I don't know but the fact my mind/emotions are not out of control gives me some hope that either I'm finally becoming my old self or its just sick twisted joke to make me realize how much I miss being normal! Either way I guess I better enjoy while it last.

Mothering, failure at its worst.

No matter how I try I fail at being a good mother. At this moment I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. Even though I finished school it's not like I did my best, far from it. It seems like my entire life I have not succeed in doing anything worth while and worst of all I'am a failure at being a parent, a mother. I don't want to blame how I was parented or mothered because after all I'm an adult and it falls back to me. I feel guilty and horrible because I wish I never became a mother. I fear I'm damaging my kids and how I raise them will impact them for the rest of their lives and their children's lives. It seems at this point no matter what I try to do I fail miserably.

I still have not even applied for work, I look at the listings daily and see many possibilities yet my self doubt keeps from me even sending out my resume. There is no weight lose, I actually weigh more than when this school year started, it seems no matter what I do it is not enough. I'm spread out so thin and there is nothing left of me to give, I feel transparent and empty, I have felt this way for a long time. I'm tired, exhausted as I try to will up enough strength and gusto every day trying to be positive, to be a good mother. It's the same battles the same things that do not seem to change no matter how hard I work on them. And worst of all I feel unappreciated and what I do has no bearing on my families life. I guess the point of it was when my son keeps telling me that's too bad it's your life, you chose your life, you had kids and so you suffer. I guess that is what gets me the most is how heartless and cold he is, I always thought he was a compassionate child but as he has gotten older he seems to have no patience for others faults and only seem them as weakness. It scares me in that he has become a selfish person who only cares about his own needs and no one elses. I try to reassure myself it's the teenager in him but I also see alot of his biological donor in him.
Yes I hate my life but more so I hate myself for following what others tell me to do instead of following what I really wanted to do in my life. I hate that I'm a people pleaser, that I have no identity in who I'm, that I have no self love or even respect to listen to what my soul needs. I'm ashamed that I have no self confidence at 38, that I'm more at loss today than when I was as a teenager. This is the ugly pathetic truth that I'm no better today than I was 20 years ago.

Being Grateful Even When You're Not

I have to keep reminding myself of all the things I do have and not dwell on the things I do not. As I try to stay afloat I have to admit I get tired of just paddling and staying afloat but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to stop paddling and let myself sink to the bottom. But then who am'I kidding there is no way that would ever happen...even as I curse and fight the entire way I would never just give up and go. "Perseverance" that's what my Calworks worker told me, that I had perseverance...I guess that's one thing I should be grateful for.