It's all in the details!

We finally ripped out all the old cabinets and are preparing for the new cabinet installation. It has been a tedious and dreary journey because the old ladies are living under the construction and with no kitchen. The bathroom remodels went smoothly since there was always one bathroom available but not having a kitchen is causing some stress and headaches. That's on their end but it hasn't been a joy ride for me either. Man no wonder people hire contractors to coordinate, find, price, etc for remodels. Although I should shut up since the timing so far has been pretty smooth. If things go according to plan (cross my fingers) they will have their new kitchen by next Saturday the latest.

So its all in the damn details...we have to first get a plumber to cut off and cap off the old drainage for the washing machine...yeah its a older house that had a hook up for a washer in the kitchen but before my uncle built around the drainage but this time we were told clearly to have it removed before the cabinet installer arrives. The hot and cold water pipes were successful turned in although my husband had to do some work on the hot water pipe to tap it off. The old gas line was successful capped off too but the stupid drain pipe didn't move a budge. We know when to hire a professional and this is definitely time. So we have called three plumbers to get an estimate of what the damage will be however they aren't very good about phone estimates. They want to come over to see the job or will give you a flat hour rate of $85 so we will have to decide by tonight which way to go. I will have to go tomorrow to accept delivery of the cabinet and appliances(make sure all the stuff is there) and sand the wall and finish priming them. Hopefully we will also get a visit from a honest plumber to fix the problem cause the cabinet installer will be coming on Monday. We met with the granite guy today and he will come in after the installation on Tuesday and said they will install on Thursday, latest Friday so the old ladies can have their kitchen back by next weekend!

I got lucky in that the hubby was able to reroute the heating vent from the wall to the ceiling, besides doing dry wall, wiring and tiling. Did I mention how lucky I'm to have such a handy guy. This is a guy who has never ever did anything handy in his life before he met me. I'm the brains and he is the muscle in our team..he isn't good working outside of the box, that's where I come in...growing up without I learned to be resourceful/ghetto making do with out having the proper tools to get the job done. So we make a kick ass team, although got to admit I'm getting tired and can't wait for all remodel stuff to be over so we can have out weekends back again!

So far we are coming in budget since we are doing most of all the labor...I just hope the 10k left will be enough for the rest of the house! Reminds me when we sued to watch the Home flipping shows when the market was hot...it looked so exciting and fun. I'd joke to the hubby maybe we should do that...yeah right, uh after this I won't do another remodel again, unless I get paid!

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.