With a heavy heart....

I thought things would get better, that the air would clear, that speaking up would clarify things but instead I stand with this heavy heart. I'm able to clear my mind with thoughts and not lie awake at night as they repeatedly play over and over. But the reality is that I carry this burden, this guilt as always that is slowly draining my soul. I felt dizzy as if I was floating, I knew I wasn't sick so I searched it on the internet and I found that anxiety and stress can be causes. So all awhile I was trying to find inner peace, to quiet the voice of negativity I have only placed it further behind the facade of peace I was hoping to find.
Although I do not lay awake I'm bombarded with dreams, in which I address people and tell them how I feel. I actually felt at peace but then in reality how can you really talk to someone who doesn't talk or know how to communicate. I think I've come to regret that sticking up for myself doesn't work after all, that it is better to keep my mouth shut, to suck it up and not cause waves. Cause no matter what it doesn't become resolved but becomes worst. I still do not have this damn thing called esteem, that I do not give myself much credit or worth, that my needs and desires do not come before others. I have made myself this doormat and I do not know how to change it. It's ingrained into my identity, that this is who I'm.

I felt the fog engulf me and even though I tried to run from it it was too late. I know its embraced me in its familiar grasp, so quickly it came and I stood and watched. It's so weird to actually feel it, to see it over come as I feel like I'm walking in a dream, as my eyes are blurry and not crisp and clear. I kept washing my eyes out, hoping that it was my contacts, that they were dirty and clouded. And that this paralyzing exhaustion I felt wasn't my lover, depression forcing his way back.

How clearly different I feel, how the energy that pumped through my body vanished so quickly. I don't want him, I want him to leave, I want him to fade into my past as the others but yet he holds on, unwilling to release me.

Trying

I have been trying to work on this beast within myself and at times I have felt that I have overcome the grasp that slowly pulls me down within my internal abyss of darkness. There are great days, so that I feel like I have rebounded into my life, into my old self and this flabby shell of an body isn't me but my former self is waiting to emerge out. But then I awaken in fear, trying to reach for that light, it's there right in front of me within reach but I cannot reach it. I fall into the dark, the dull void pulls me in oozing around my body not wanting to let go. I fight this time because I do not want to fall back into the darkness, I want to walk within the light, I want to feel the warmth, I want to see what is around me, I do not want to waste my life living amongst the dead. So the battle continues within my self but then I realize there are outside factors that make me despair, that put me right back at what I had been working so hard to over come. I know I can't change the others, the things around me but I can change how I react, how I take or leave a situation. I realize most of my battles have been within myself, with myself. It maybe issues with others but the battle ground has been internal and I have brought it in. So how do I learn not to bring it in, not to take it personal, not to consume me, to quiet the voices?

Quiet the mind, I have by accident read EAT, Pray, Love and it spoke to me, it was strange because I happened upon it by chance not that I thought it would be interesting but because I found it free on my e-reader. So I read it and it made sense to me, about meditating of clearing ones mind. It seems so simple to just sit and clear the mind but it is a very difficult thing to do. To have no thought about anything to focus on your breathing, to give ones mind a break. We are so inundated with noise be it from our own mind or what is around us but we forget to live in the moment. We are always constantly thinking about tomorrow the next day. I realized that in the past 6 years I had been living for tomorrow, that I don't remember much of the small details that my kids have grown and I don't remember. Time has flown by and here I sit aged and I do not know where the hell my life went.

I don't know whether it is because I'm awakening from this night mare called depression but I realize years, I don't mean months, days or even min. but freaken years have passed and I do not hold a single good memory of it all. I look at my baby and she is already 6, there is no evidence of a baby on her, all her fat has gone. My son is a senior, he is almost 18! I can't believe he will be graduating high school, almost onto his own life. I do not know how fast the years have gone by but I guess the road spiraling down into depression is a fast and unforgiving one. So I trying to grasp onto the few moments I do have left with my kids before they too reach into adulthood and live their own lives.

I feel a sadness but not that I want to wallow in my own self pity but more so to state I know what I have done wrong and try to go forward from here. I started writing today because I felt like I was being pulled back down into the abyss. I wanted to write but didn't feel like writing. Even though writing used to ease me it only made things worst, like focusing a magnifying glass on a small sore which enlarged it into something greater than it really is. I'm trying to learn to be grateful, I'm trying to control my anger, I'm trying to be forgiving, I'm trying to live in the moment. I do not want to fall back into the abyss, I want to move forward, in the moment, to take the good and bad but not to dwell on it.

Seeking

I'm jobless once again and I'm starting to feel the dull pull again. There is a definite link to how productive I feel ( bringing in income) and my mental well being. Even though logically I know I shouldn't tie my own value to money it is clearly obvious that it is interconnected and as of now I feel like crap again. I feel the rapid descend into the abyss that is my illness, the self entrapment, self torture that does not reason with logic or facts but one that rules itself in its own sickness. It suffocates me as I'm perfectly aware of whats to come....not fear but disgust and resentfulness fills me. I hate it, I hate myself...how can things be so simple yet so damn complicated. Swinging back and forth like a pendulum with no pause in site, only picking up speed as it quickly spirals out of control. I watch in horror of what is to come and yet I can't stop it, the antsy feeling builds and I want it all to end. I feel tired of this relentless game, this stupid cycle of insanity that consumes my being. How I simply wish it would all end, this stupid thing called depression, no matter how hard I work to make it better I have to keep working hardier to keep my head afloat.


Six miles, yes six damn miles a day of walking and no weight lose, actually I gained 3 pounds! Muscle my ass and yet even with the out of control allergies I stuck with it, then the old injury came back. Stupid knee became swollen but I ignored it to the point in which I couldn't walk without pain. Fuck it I throw in the towel....my ass is fat so I must just accept this fate and don't plan on ever taking pictures again. (Sigh) I have fantasies that I'm trim, toned and sporting my bikini again...ha! Not even close but the desire to become healthy is there yet more than that I want to be productive again. Even though I do things I realize I do not find any real value in what I do. I may feel even worst because of the stupid pill I'm taking for these damn cold sores that have come back again! Yes always under stress I get these damn sores, I guess my internal

Tired!

The MIL and the nephew has left and I have so much to do but I feel so tired I think I need another week to recuperate from the vacation! I need to work, I did a some hours but not as much as I would have liked since it requires concentration and quiet time by myself. I didn't realize how distracting it is to have my desk out in the living room and how much I really need to work in the office.

Figures....

It's been a long time since I wrote even though I really needed too. I guess it goes back to giving myself some time to do the things I need instead of putting it on the back burner. The positive is that I've got this depression beat, well ok except for those few days when it grabs hold of me and gives me a good shake but even then I know it isn't the same. I'm moving forward but the same conversations keep happening in my head. I need to be a better parent, I need to be a better, wife, I need to be a better daughter, sister, Aunt...etc. And yet even though I try I feel like it isn't lifting me up More do I feel so great about it all. I actually feel so busy and burnt out lately.

Ok the positive is yes I got a job, a fluke really but it's been wonderful being able to contribute although it never feels like it is enough. I'm still volunteering all day baby girls class on Mondays (turns out I'm the TAP parent)and I'm doing bookkeeping for an old high school friend at home. Working from home sucks ass cause you never really have a straight 8 hours to dedicate to work when you got kids, people visiting and house work. So instead I put in four here, two hours there and end up really spreading it over 18 hours, so it turns out to be a really long work day. It's tax season so I have been pressed to get his business stuff out besides his personal stuff. The sick part of me loves the pressure and the feeling of being on the go but the real me, the older me feels run down and tired. Could be the PMS speaking but as of this week I'm burnt out. Did I mention I'm preparing for a visit from my mother-in-law and nephew for the kids spring break. Well as much as vacations are supposed to be I haven't enjoyed any family vacations. It's been more work than play, I still have to finish the laundry, go shopping, vacuumed and put some hours in for the paid work. So far this morning I have baked two types of breads then delivered them and the dog to my mom's house 55 miles away. I guess I should be "cleaning" but instead I'm typing away.

I feel resentful and angry cause I agreed to this mini vacation with my husbands mother and nephew. Did I mention every time she visits she brings him, did I mention he is only 4, so the vacations end up being me entertaining them all, making them meals, watching the kids while they go on the rides. Basically I'm the baby sitter..I don't know when I became the old lady kicking back watching the kids instead of going on the rides. I'm trying to be grateful but I feel tired and mad at myself for being such a pushover, of being the good daughter-in-law. I hate being a Korean daughter-in-law, I hate entertaining constantly being on all the time....they are coming tomorrow and leaving Thursday.(Sigh)

For some stupid reason this year the allergies have been really kicking my ass, I'm taking claritin but I keep having a cough and feel so damn tired after being outside. I have been trying to keep up with my walks which unfortunately haven't helped me loose any weight but hopefully keeping the fog at bay. Today I felt foggy in my eyes but I think its from the allergies, at least I hope so.

The weight lose hasn't been successful at all, I walk at least 4 days week for at least 3 miles each but no success. I guess my metabolism is fucked up from not eating right. I don't have time to work out for hours either, not do I want to...maybe I can go on the biggiest loser but then I'm not obese. I actually just wanted to lose between 5-10 pds in these last month but nothing...I think I even gained a few more pounds. Sure muscle weighs more than fat but I don't think its muscle. I hate when I get this way..stupid irritation, antsy feeling. I guess its major PMS...life sucks ass right now at this moment although in my real world it looks fine. It's just the mental one that is fucked!

Don't say it out loud!

Well does it always seem like whenever you say something out loud it comes true, that you or someone else will "jinks" your luck. That whatever you comment on how well you are doing...etc. will then turn for the worst. That seems to be the case this year and it's only started. First with the hubby's car breaking down right after he and his Uncle had a conversation of how old it was and how it was running. As soon as we return and he drives it to work it breaks down...sigh. Just my last post about about the neediness of others and how I'm burnt out from it all...well I could have just ate my words. Turns out the brother took part in taking care of our mother and he took her to LA.

Of course that made me feel guilty but at the same time it wasn't like I was telling anyone just posting it on the for the whole world to see. Just venting as I need too know. So what is it with older Korean people with faking how they are doing to get attention from their children? I mean I used to see it all the time with my grandmother, Aunt and even my dad but now my mom has caught on to the old lady train! At first I believed her low and weak voice was true in that she was ill but then I saw her in action right in front of me. There she was fine, laughing feeling much better than when she arrived but as soon as she answered the phone to talk to my brother her voice dropped like 5 decimals and she sounded so faint and weak!

I couldn't believe my ears...my mom was becoming the little old lady who was seeking out sympathy and attention from her children! Gawd when did she get so old?!! I thought it was funny until today when she called me and used her "sick phone voice" but it didn't amuse me but pissed me off. I had seen this role a hundred times before with my Aunt but not her. I guess it pissed me off because she was faking it to get attention. I know she is and has been sick but to over play it like that is sad. But more than that is my reaction to her...she pisses me off. I guess I'm tired of being her savior of everything while she only listens and chooses on what she wants to do. I guess I'm not a big fan of playing victim but that on being proactive and changing your life if you are unhappy.

These old ladies do not change anything only bitch and moan and then play martyr

The Needy

Although one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her from not feeling any more pain, I wanted her to find peace and happiness, but that didn't happen. What I realized was that she needed to find her own peace, her own happiness and that no matter how hard I tried I cannot change others. Things were complicated due to the passing of my uncle and then I had another person to save, my Aunt. Then it occurred to me why I felt so bad, worn out and tired I was trying to rescue others awhile I was destroying myself. I realized the only person I could change was me so I withdrew, I let them handle their daily conflicts. Even when they called me with urgency to refill a prescription, to make an appointment in which I was expected to drop everything I was doing for them. After all I had been doing it for years.

Going to her house every weekend luckily did not destroy my marriage although it's more due to the patience and love of my husband not me. So it hit me that I needed to put my family first, that the needs of my kids and y husband had to come before them. That I shouldn't repeat the mistake my parents made with us. Sacrificing our needs for the well being of others. I know I did not want to become bitter, angry and hurt like my mom and Aunt became. I did not want to give my life up to others worrying about what they thought because they sure as hell didn't give a damn about what happened to us.

So even as I try to make this change it has become difficult because they have become more needy and they don't ask anyone but me. Yes my brother who lives a few blocks from me who is well off and can do things for her too isn't ever called. It's always me and my husband. Then my mom had the nerve to call him a bad guy cause he didn't come in and say hi to her when we stopped by on the way from a trip. It didn't matter he was seeing why she was having a leak in her toilet but that he didn't say hi to her cause she had been sick. It pissed me off cause here he had remodeled her whole damn house on his weekends for the last year and half and she said he was bad for not saying hello to her. I wanted to go off on her and I said what? What about your son? Where is he?

Sometimes I hate my family, the one I grew up with. I'm tired of rescuing everyone, for being the one who is always there, I'm tired of doing everything. So when my Aunt called to say I needed to take my mom to LA to the Korean doctor to see why she was sweating so much I felt angry and resentful. I want to help her but I can't cause the husbands car died on him on the way to work on Monday. So he was using my car...I have no transportation and we aren't in the best financial situation because I haven't worked for almost four years. So I guess being that I can't do anything for her stressed me out.

Today she called me to say she should go to the LA doctor cause she is sweating non stop even though she has taken two rounds of antibiotics...she has the regular flu no swine flu. But I guess she has been sweating so much she needs to change her clothes at least three times a day. She told me to call her friend who knows of the address of the place in LA so I can take her. When she called she asked to see if my husband worked all day..it is his half day but he was planning to fix his car not drive her to LA. So I feel guilty and angry because shit I have my own problems too and I can't just drop everything for everyone else. It makes me sick because I'm tired and I don't want to help anymore.

When you give and give and no else does it makes you angry. I guess I'm mad cause she can ask my brother but why does she have to keep calling my ass. She has no freakin shame in asking my husband. Just because he is a good guy don't take advantage of him. If I was him I would have gone off on him long time ago...the reality is my family is sucking us dry.

I want my mom to be independent but the reality is she will always need me and I don't want to be needed anymore. I'm tired and burnt out...I want to work on my own family, to focus on my own house, my kids, my husband and on my own self.

What can I say I'm a bad daughter...but I don't care.

2010

I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In ways I guess the catalyst was when my father died and my own realization of what I did not want to become. I did not want to become my mooter or aunt living for everyone else and then feeling hurt and angry when they realized no one else lived for them. I don't want to become a martyr nor do I want to sacrifice my kids and husband for the approval of others. These are the things my parents did to us, to themselves and it has not gotten them anywhere. Sure it is good to be kind and giving but not to the point where it hurts your own needs.

My mom has come along way in that the mourning for my father is over and now she is angry maybe even bitter thinking back into their lives...of all that she gave and how little she received from him. I know this to be true even though I love my father he was a a horrible husband...I guess maybe just maybe she hoped he was finally going to treat her right in their golden years but now that he is gone leaving behind his older sister for my mom to take care of she is angry. She tries to remember the good times but they are far and few in between, it is bitter sweet to watch her think back to the love of her life in which she realizes she has lived for a man in vain. She has not received much from him but heartache, stress, and yes three children. But even that is mostly her doing not hers.

When I think about my father I think of him as in terms of our relationship but not in terms of how he treated my mom....I can't because I will resent him for the husband he wasn't to her. It makes me grateful for my husband, how different he is from my father, how he doesn't demand to be right all the time because he is the man, how he is gentle and loving to me, how I'm his number concern even before the kids. He gives the the complete love and adoration everyone woman should receive from their husbands. The kind my mother deserved from my father. But I won't cry from spilled milk...their relationship is what it is and it give me insight in what I don't want in mine for what I don't want in my life.

So with that for this New Year I have my list of changes and needs to be accomplished.

First I need to start working again...for financial reasons and for own self worth.
Second I need to re-establish my relationships (family and friends)
Third I need to work on me (physical and mental)

Even though it's only three areas there is much work and time needed. I haven't written much since I have been busy with entertaining and visiting for the holidays. It was a bit too much but I will make sure not to over extend myself and the family next year so it can be a enjoyable and not spent running from place to place.


I have been terrible in that I haven't been to the cemetery to visit my dad or uncle but as I told my mom I didn't feel like he is there. She believes the body and spirit is one while I think the body is a vessel and the soul leaves the body. But I do feel the need to visit him...it will be his birthday Jan. 13th...wow it will be three years since he died this April. I miss him but I do not think of him daily...I can't I need to move forward.

Here is to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!