Posts
Umma
1 year ago
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Samuel Adams
What I'm drinking now....Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat...damn that's good. Cold crisp, a light taste of cherry first and finished with wheat. Why did I wait so long???
Pmsing, biatchy me....
It's about that time again, well err that "time" too but dinner I mean. So the hubby should be here within 45 min. but here I'am blogging instead of cooking the bacon. It maybe cause it's almost that "time of the month" again or maybe because it's totally grey and over cast today. I've had a total headache, kinda foggy although felt much better after my hot shower. My shoulder/back really ached besides everything else but that helped the headache for a bit. Maybe its the dry weather, sinus pressure...this weather has been crazy from hot to cold one to another. Regardless it sucks...I'm tired, out of it and I don't want to cook dinner. I have plenty of meal ideas and ingredients but I totally suck right now and don't want to do jack.
Excuse:
Maybe I was put into this foul mood last night by a obnoxious teenager and a annoying old woman. They really know how to push my button besides I'm totally pmsing and feel moody as shit. I ended up crying cause I was so mad, it wasn't even a big deal but it's really never about anything is it. Just a bunch of pent up emotions, with exhaustion and no me time equals crazy sobbing. Yep a cigarette, a beer, some soulful music and a good cry sounds just about right.
On a positive note(didn't think it was possible) I did start on my Christmas shopping today, via online of course and actually got 8 people off the list! And I stayed on budget too...double woohoo....not. See I know I'm in the craps....great tomorrow evening will be a night of non stop door bell and trick or treat. Well at least I'm prepared...candy check, pumpkins carved check, costumes check...gotta get that beer now. No really I think I deserve a drink, or I can always run away from home.
Truth: I'm just a crazy biatchy mom....
Excuse:
Maybe I was put into this foul mood last night by a obnoxious teenager and a annoying old woman. They really know how to push my button besides I'm totally pmsing and feel moody as shit. I ended up crying cause I was so mad, it wasn't even a big deal but it's really never about anything is it. Just a bunch of pent up emotions, with exhaustion and no me time equals crazy sobbing. Yep a cigarette, a beer, some soulful music and a good cry sounds just about right.
On a positive note(didn't think it was possible) I did start on my Christmas shopping today, via online of course and actually got 8 people off the list! And I stayed on budget too...double woohoo....not. See I know I'm in the craps....great tomorrow evening will be a night of non stop door bell and trick or treat. Well at least I'm prepared...candy check, pumpkins carved check, costumes check...gotta get that beer now. No really I think I deserve a drink, or I can always run away from home.
Truth: I'm just a crazy biatchy mom....
Monday, October 27, 2008
Silence...
"Silence" no little voice saying "oma this, oma that"..."oma, oma" well it lasted for half an hour as the three ajunmas did their drive by( drop of food to a friend). How nice a peaceful it was for a brief moment, but back to reality. "Oma, oma where are you? Did you miss me? I missed you so much!" Half an hour is an eternity to a four year old...oye.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday
Well it's Sunday and I don't have much to write about, no inspiration, no ranting, anger, sadness, etc. The baby girl is sleeping and the hubby left for home around 8pm after another weekend of work. Update on baking chocolate mousse cake was a success, although not as pretty as I wanted it to be but everyone loved it. I decided to cut the cake into heart shapes with the cookie cutter, it was a good idea although they use forms for a reason. The mousse on my small heart cakes were oozing out the side and the cake was slipping of the top. So I thought I''d stick a toothpick on the top to hold it in place, well good ideas aren't always so good in practice. Lets just say the cake were in lays, like steps. But the mousse was good, so soft, creamy, fluffy and chocolaty.
Speaking of food I did prefect my hoddeuk recipe. I used the one from My Korean Kitchen but I tweaked it for my mother who thought using glutinous rice powder would make it taste better. I originally started off just using flour however while researching it online I found another from Kitchenwench and tried doing the rice powder. It was unanimous the hubby, kids, and my cousins preferred the flour one better. The rice powder one was too sticky and did not have the fluffy airiness of the flour batch nor the flavor, it was bland. So the next time I used my original recipe and used half flour and half rice powder. It turned out better but still seemed to sticky and no airy enough for me. Well last weekend when I was at mom's I set out another try at it but this time I used only half a cup rice powder to two cups flour and it turned out so good. It had the fluffiness, airiness and also a bit of the sticky factor, just a bit though. It was perfect!
This morning I fixed up the dough (doubled) so it would be ready by the time my mom got home from work. She loves the starchy stuff, breads, deuk..etc. It's the prefect sweet snack on a cool day, I guess that's when they street ajunmas sell them in the fall/winter. I never had one till I made my own so I really have no real reference to compare it to however all those who have tried them say it's just as good if not better. My Aunt even requested I make some for her bible study group tomorrow for 7 ajunmas including the pastors wife. So I guess that's a good sign, I notice once I keep making something it just gets easier and easier to turn out.
I remember the first time I started baking again I was so careful to measure the ingredients but now it's so easy. It's true one you bake enough you get to know the feel and sight of a dough, batter..etc. It just gets easier, your hands do get hand memory and know what something needs to feel like. I can roll out a perfect pizza dough now, you would think it was bought.
Wow I guess writing about nothing led me to write about food. Ok now I just have to get into the habit of taking pictures, the camera is there like 6 feet away but I don't do it. Not a habit yet, guess gotta make it one.
Speaking of food I did prefect my hoddeuk recipe. I used the one from My Korean Kitchen but I tweaked it for my mother who thought using glutinous rice powder would make it taste better. I originally started off just using flour however while researching it online I found another from Kitchenwench and tried doing the rice powder. It was unanimous the hubby, kids, and my cousins preferred the flour one better. The rice powder one was too sticky and did not have the fluffy airiness of the flour batch nor the flavor, it was bland. So the next time I used my original recipe and used half flour and half rice powder. It turned out better but still seemed to sticky and no airy enough for me. Well last weekend when I was at mom's I set out another try at it but this time I used only half a cup rice powder to two cups flour and it turned out so good. It had the fluffiness, airiness and also a bit of the sticky factor, just a bit though. It was perfect!
This morning I fixed up the dough (doubled) so it would be ready by the time my mom got home from work. She loves the starchy stuff, breads, deuk..etc. It's the prefect sweet snack on a cool day, I guess that's when they street ajunmas sell them in the fall/winter. I never had one till I made my own so I really have no real reference to compare it to however all those who have tried them say it's just as good if not better. My Aunt even requested I make some for her bible study group tomorrow for 7 ajunmas including the pastors wife. So I guess that's a good sign, I notice once I keep making something it just gets easier and easier to turn out.
I remember the first time I started baking again I was so careful to measure the ingredients but now it's so easy. It's true one you bake enough you get to know the feel and sight of a dough, batter..etc. It just gets easier, your hands do get hand memory and know what something needs to feel like. I can roll out a perfect pizza dough now, you would think it was bought.
Wow I guess writing about nothing led me to write about food. Ok now I just have to get into the habit of taking pictures, the camera is there like 6 feet away but I don't do it. Not a habit yet, guess gotta make it one.
Friday, October 24, 2008
To do list
It's Friday again and I haven't had the chance/motivation to write. So I write out my to do list today:
1. Laundry
2. Pick up living room
3. Clean kitchen
4. Clean bathroom
5. Vacuum entire house
6. Bake hubby chocolate mousse cake
7. Water plants, indoors and out
So far that's it, not very exciting but all stuff that needs to be done. The most dreaded the chocolate mousse cake. For some unknown crazy reason I asked the hubby want he and the son wanted to eat, I was looking at the Tastspotting and was inspired to cook them something yummy and I wanted to show him my appreciation of all the work he's been doing at my mom's house. I was thinking more in terms of food but the hubby requested chocolate mousse cake. Huh? What I asked him over, chocolate mousse cake...not some big hunk of meat (son asked for a juicy steak)? Nope he wanted chocolate mousse cake, he has bit of a sweet tooth and I guess the last time he had it was when his mom baked it for him. Hmmm well I love to bake/cook but this is a new one never made mousse cake before. I looked up recipes seemed pretty simple enough although not so sure about the raw egg whites. It's been like over a week since I asked and I guess I really should make it for him, but the raw eggs kinda turned me off...heck I even went and bought whipping cream for it, I had all the other ingredients.
So I guess I will start and bake the cake and then make the mousse, it needs time to set in the fridge anyways. But first I need to eat my rice and kimchee/kongjaejong chigae. Yep my house is a bit stinky but I can't wait to gobble down that goodness! The kongjaejong was made by my mother last weekend (my mom rocks, she knows how to make so many Korean dishes) she made it from scratch, cooking the soy beans, fermenting it, pounding and seasoning it by hand. I also have a huge jar of kimchee and even kakdogee( dakon radish kimchee) in my fridge made from the week before. So had a mad craving for kimchee and the stinky bean paste with lots and lots of tofu (dueboo). It's almost about ready and stinking up my entire house but who cares. My daughter loves Korean food unlike my son.
She loves to eat rice, ducc, kimchee, anything Korean. Even though its spicy she will power it down and then drink lots of juice/water, say spicy spicy and then just eat the rice. It's so cute cause she knew what I was making. She says, "what are you making oma?" I say nothing, she says "I know you are making kimchee!" She's been calling me oma more lately than mommy, probably cause we have been at my mom's every week. Plus side she has picked up on more Korean and understands and speaks to the old ladies. Too cute!
Back to food, kimchee chigae has to be the most comforting, homey food to a Korean person...like mac and cheese and stew. Man I love it, the comforting feeling, the spiciness but also the feeling of "sheanaw" feeling you get from sipping the hot bubbly soup! It warms you up and tastes so good, the salty, to tangy, to spicy..although the flavors mingling. Ok gotta go eat now, but I will start on the cake after I eat.
1. Laundry
2. Pick up living room
3. Clean kitchen
4. Clean bathroom
5. Vacuum entire house
6. Bake hubby chocolate mousse cake
7. Water plants, indoors and out
So far that's it, not very exciting but all stuff that needs to be done. The most dreaded the chocolate mousse cake. For some unknown crazy reason I asked the hubby want he and the son wanted to eat, I was looking at the Tastspotting and was inspired to cook them something yummy and I wanted to show him my appreciation of all the work he's been doing at my mom's house. I was thinking more in terms of food but the hubby requested chocolate mousse cake. Huh? What I asked him over, chocolate mousse cake...not some big hunk of meat (son asked for a juicy steak)? Nope he wanted chocolate mousse cake, he has bit of a sweet tooth and I guess the last time he had it was when his mom baked it for him. Hmmm well I love to bake/cook but this is a new one never made mousse cake before. I looked up recipes seemed pretty simple enough although not so sure about the raw egg whites. It's been like over a week since I asked and I guess I really should make it for him, but the raw eggs kinda turned me off...heck I even went and bought whipping cream for it, I had all the other ingredients.
So I guess I will start and bake the cake and then make the mousse, it needs time to set in the fridge anyways. But first I need to eat my rice and kimchee/kongjaejong chigae. Yep my house is a bit stinky but I can't wait to gobble down that goodness! The kongjaejong was made by my mother last weekend (my mom rocks, she knows how to make so many Korean dishes) she made it from scratch, cooking the soy beans, fermenting it, pounding and seasoning it by hand. I also have a huge jar of kimchee and even kakdogee( dakon radish kimchee) in my fridge made from the week before. So had a mad craving for kimchee and the stinky bean paste with lots and lots of tofu (dueboo). It's almost about ready and stinking up my entire house but who cares. My daughter loves Korean food unlike my son.
She loves to eat rice, ducc, kimchee, anything Korean. Even though its spicy she will power it down and then drink lots of juice/water, say spicy spicy and then just eat the rice. It's so cute cause she knew what I was making. She says, "what are you making oma?" I say nothing, she says "I know you are making kimchee!" She's been calling me oma more lately than mommy, probably cause we have been at my mom's every week. Plus side she has picked up on more Korean and understands and speaks to the old ladies. Too cute!
Back to food, kimchee chigae has to be the most comforting, homey food to a Korean person...like mac and cheese and stew. Man I love it, the comforting feeling, the spiciness but also the feeling of "sheanaw" feeling you get from sipping the hot bubbly soup! It warms you up and tastes so good, the salty, to tangy, to spicy..although the flavors mingling. Ok gotta go eat now, but I will start on the cake after I eat.
Monday, October 20, 2008
My babies
Just sitting here in the quiet since baby girl has fallen asleep since she seems to be a bit under the weather. Otherwise she would still be up, I know she should be in bed early but since she doesn't go to school I've kept it mellow. Besides the first 18 months of her life she was on a schedule, feeding at 430am cause we had to commute hour to work, so she deserves some late mornings before school starts. I love it when she sleeps, her little face, the way she breathes and the peacefulness of it all.
I actually miss the days when I used to breastfeed her and she would look up into my face with adoration and love. And no matter how painful and sore my bloody nipples were I could not deny her my milk. There truly is no way to express the closeness and bond a woman feels while nursing her babies. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all so sweet and lovely but tiring, hard and painful. The plugged up ducts, the piercing of the nipples to dislodge them...yes it hurt like hell yet I remember just numbing myself to go on, besides being incredibly exhausted. I remember falling asleep myself while feeding her in my lap (good old boppy saved my life) and feeling so empty and starved in the morning after feeding her all night. How I loved and wanted so much to give her my milk, even though I couldn't see her for three days, I had a emergency C-section after 19 hours of being in labor and her lung collapsed and had to be put in NICU.
I was so determined to breastfeed her I remember trying to pump my milk, putting it in tiny cup feeding into her mouth. The frustration and pain of trying to get her to latch correctly wasn't bad enough but I also swelled up coming home 10 pds heavier from the hospital after delivery! I'm one of those people whoa re bad with anesthesia, instead of peeing out all the damn IV fluid I retained it all. It was scary luckily after first week I actually lost 30 pounds, mostly fluid. My mom gave me some squash juice because it was supposed to help the swelling go down besides the traditional seaweed soup diet for mother's who've just given birth. No wonder Korean women lose the weight so fast they only eat soup and rice! Besides I remember having no appetite what so ever, everything tasted like card board. This also happened with my son although I gave birth to him naturally but I swelled up like a balloon with him but not as much.
Sadly my two pregnancies were far apart and so different. One so pained and resented the second wanted yet pained. During both of my pregnancies I lost people I loved, first was my grandmother and second was my father in law. I know they say it always evens out a life lost and life gained but it sucks. I never had any grandfather's growing up and that will be the way for my kids. My son was lucky in that he got to spend time with my dad the most, he was also my dad's favorite grand child. I know I used to feel angry and mad while raising my son in my parent's home. They spoiled him, the tried to over ride me whenever I tried disciplining him, it was hell but now I'm glad I did live with them. There is the bad and ugly but I think there is way more good, good for my son besides my parents. I'm glad he knew my dad...his"papa" cause he will have to share memories with his little sister. Even though she seems to have some memories of him and tells him.."hi papa, I love you papa, bye papa" when we go to the cemetery I know those memories will fade since she was way too young.
I miss my dad....it still hurts, I try not to think about him but when I do it still hurts, I hurt..I miss you Apa, so much.
I actually miss the days when I used to breastfeed her and she would look up into my face with adoration and love. And no matter how painful and sore my bloody nipples were I could not deny her my milk. There truly is no way to express the closeness and bond a woman feels while nursing her babies. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all so sweet and lovely but tiring, hard and painful. The plugged up ducts, the piercing of the nipples to dislodge them...yes it hurt like hell yet I remember just numbing myself to go on, besides being incredibly exhausted. I remember falling asleep myself while feeding her in my lap (good old boppy saved my life) and feeling so empty and starved in the morning after feeding her all night. How I loved and wanted so much to give her my milk, even though I couldn't see her for three days, I had a emergency C-section after 19 hours of being in labor and her lung collapsed and had to be put in NICU.
I was so determined to breastfeed her I remember trying to pump my milk, putting it in tiny cup feeding into her mouth. The frustration and pain of trying to get her to latch correctly wasn't bad enough but I also swelled up coming home 10 pds heavier from the hospital after delivery! I'm one of those people whoa re bad with anesthesia, instead of peeing out all the damn IV fluid I retained it all. It was scary luckily after first week I actually lost 30 pounds, mostly fluid. My mom gave me some squash juice because it was supposed to help the swelling go down besides the traditional seaweed soup diet for mother's who've just given birth. No wonder Korean women lose the weight so fast they only eat soup and rice! Besides I remember having no appetite what so ever, everything tasted like card board. This also happened with my son although I gave birth to him naturally but I swelled up like a balloon with him but not as much.
Sadly my two pregnancies were far apart and so different. One so pained and resented the second wanted yet pained. During both of my pregnancies I lost people I loved, first was my grandmother and second was my father in law. I know they say it always evens out a life lost and life gained but it sucks. I never had any grandfather's growing up and that will be the way for my kids. My son was lucky in that he got to spend time with my dad the most, he was also my dad's favorite grand child. I know I used to feel angry and mad while raising my son in my parent's home. They spoiled him, the tried to over ride me whenever I tried disciplining him, it was hell but now I'm glad I did live with them. There is the bad and ugly but I think there is way more good, good for my son besides my parents. I'm glad he knew my dad...his"papa" cause he will have to share memories with his little sister. Even though she seems to have some memories of him and tells him.."hi papa, I love you papa, bye papa" when we go to the cemetery I know those memories will fade since she was way too young.
I miss my dad....it still hurts, I try not to think about him but when I do it still hurts, I hurt..I miss you Apa, so much.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Politics
Ok I didn't want to talk about politics but the fact is how can I not with it being in my face. On the news, on the web, on people's yards, on their cars, in my mail, everywhere! I'm a registered democrat however that doesn't mean I would vote that way blindly. I do agree with some things and not with others but I'm pro choice and pro marriage for gays/lesbians. It bothers me that republicans are so against gay/lesbians that they have Prop 8 to stop what has already been ok'd by the state. Get over it and spend your money else where, outside of other people's private lives. What a sad life they must live to put so much energy and money into stopping others people's right to marry. Why do you think you have the right to tell someone else if they can or can not marry. They aren't children, criminals or sociopaths but men and women who love each other. They didn't chose their sexual orientation, just like their sex, race, or color. So why is it they cannot choose to marry the man or woman they love because they are the same sex. It is not ok, there was time in American history where men and women of different races were not allowed to marry, that people of color were not allowed to own propriety/land and where women were not able to vote. It is time to move forward not back and we shouldn't take the rights away of gay/lesbian couples to marry.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Facing the truth
Ok I know what I need and sometimes it takes for someone else to tell me what I need to do, kinda like permission. Sounds funny and weird but it's true but we/I need someone outside of the situation to clearly tell me what is so obvious. I need my space, I need my sleep, I need me time.
So what am'I going to do about it besides giving it a lot of lip service, I'm going to change my behavior, I know easier said but done but I have to since I really can't stand myself right now.
My plans are to have baby girl sleep on her own, enroll her in the co-op preschool since money isn't of abundance right now, get a job (this will solve many worries) and lose the twenty pounds.
Ok I got my plan and now gotta work out the details but I want to have them all accomplished before Christmas, before the new year.
Here I come goals....ok I'm scared but I will move forward.
So what am'I going to do about it besides giving it a lot of lip service, I'm going to change my behavior, I know easier said but done but I have to since I really can't stand myself right now.
My plans are to have baby girl sleep on her own, enroll her in the co-op preschool since money isn't of abundance right now, get a job (this will solve many worries) and lose the twenty pounds.
Ok I got my plan and now gotta work out the details but I want to have them all accomplished before Christmas, before the new year.
Here I come goals....ok I'm scared but I will move forward.
...sleepless in southern california
Well it's 1:22am and I'm awake not by insomnia but by a 4 year old old. She is currently in the office with her father who is playing WOW(world of war craft). She went to sleep quickly after she was read two stories by daddy but woke up 30 min ago. I tried to comfort her and told her to go back to sleep, for I was barely starting to fall alseep myself, however she couldn't do it. Tossing, turning, and whimpering looking for daddy all while laying on my arm.
Yes she still sleeps with us, that may be the reason of my insanity. The reason I have no real identity but only know as "mommy"is this but "mommy" swore to herself to be more patient and understanding but I'am not. So I find myself here typing into a bright blaring screen in the pitch dark. I can hear his voice, her voice...I can not comfort her cause she wants daddy as of right now I can't, I don't want to comfort her.
A part of me feels bad the hubby isn't getting to enjoy his time, did I mention he is a computer nerd. Before we met his time was spent either at work on a computer or at home on a computer playing Everquest. His addiction to gaming has stopped since we've married and had baby girl. However he gets his one night of game time when baby girl and I sleep. Ok she sleeps and I lay awake watching late night tv, reality shows. I give him this after all it is his vice, addiction, hobby, source of pleasure. So begrudgingly I "allow" his time after all even with only 3-4 hours of sleep he comes with me to my moms to work.
I'm jealous, angry even...why? Because he gets to spend the day away from her, me and has conversation and interactions with others while I spend my days watching Dora and trying to entertain a four year old. I don't get a break, she follows/stalks me to the bathroom, it's like Big Brother watching me all the time although this is Little Sister.
How I yearn for the days of sleep without a sore, stiff arm while laying completely flat on my back. Not really sleeping because I'm always covering her up,-she kicks off her blankets, has moved too close to the edge of the bed, is flipped upside down. In ways I haven't sleep comfortably since the day she was born, my mom told me mother's never sleep and she wasn't kidding.
I'm tired and angry and I don't want to be. Have I been too selfless, foolish, a damn martyr? Suffering because I have created my own prison of giving every ounce of my self, only to be left with an empty, angry shell? Who but I , am to blame...I have sacrificed myself in the name of motherhood only to be angry and bitter. No one has asked me to do these things but I do them and then feel angry, tired, taken advantage of where I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't even point the finger to my mother because this is my duty as mother, to suffer but I'am an adult and I have a choice. But do I.....I wish I could say I know what is right and wrong, that I live my life this way but I do not. As I grow older what used to be so clear and obvious, good or evil, black or white has turned grey. Several different shades of grey and so complicated.
I hate being this way, I hate feeling so unsatisfied and unfulfilled with motherhood, I hate that I do not know who I'am. I wish I could run away sometimes, I can understand how a woman can leave her family, just disappear one day and never come back. I do fantasize about leaving everything behind, traveling the world. Living my dream, not being afraid of being me. To stop suffering in silence but to let myself be me. But this is the family that I created, this is mine, my love, my tears, my time, my anger, and yes my sacrifices of being a mother.
Yes she still sleeps with us, that may be the reason of my insanity. The reason I have no real identity but only know as "mommy"is this but "mommy" swore to herself to be more patient and understanding but I'am not. So I find myself here typing into a bright blaring screen in the pitch dark. I can hear his voice, her voice...I can not comfort her cause she wants daddy as of right now I can't, I don't want to comfort her.
A part of me feels bad the hubby isn't getting to enjoy his time, did I mention he is a computer nerd. Before we met his time was spent either at work on a computer or at home on a computer playing Everquest. His addiction to gaming has stopped since we've married and had baby girl. However he gets his one night of game time when baby girl and I sleep. Ok she sleeps and I lay awake watching late night tv, reality shows. I give him this after all it is his vice, addiction, hobby, source of pleasure. So begrudgingly I "allow" his time after all even with only 3-4 hours of sleep he comes with me to my moms to work.
I'm jealous, angry even...why? Because he gets to spend the day away from her, me and has conversation and interactions with others while I spend my days watching Dora and trying to entertain a four year old. I don't get a break, she follows/stalks me to the bathroom, it's like Big Brother watching me all the time although this is Little Sister.
How I yearn for the days of sleep without a sore, stiff arm while laying completely flat on my back. Not really sleeping because I'm always covering her up,-she kicks off her blankets, has moved too close to the edge of the bed, is flipped upside down. In ways I haven't sleep comfortably since the day she was born, my mom told me mother's never sleep and she wasn't kidding.
I'm tired and angry and I don't want to be. Have I been too selfless, foolish, a damn martyr? Suffering because I have created my own prison of giving every ounce of my self, only to be left with an empty, angry shell? Who but I , am to blame...I have sacrificed myself in the name of motherhood only to be angry and bitter. No one has asked me to do these things but I do them and then feel angry, tired, taken advantage of where I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't even point the finger to my mother because this is my duty as mother, to suffer but I'am an adult and I have a choice. But do I.....I wish I could say I know what is right and wrong, that I live my life this way but I do not. As I grow older what used to be so clear and obvious, good or evil, black or white has turned grey. Several different shades of grey and so complicated.
I hate being this way, I hate feeling so unsatisfied and unfulfilled with motherhood, I hate that I do not know who I'am. I wish I could run away sometimes, I can understand how a woman can leave her family, just disappear one day and never come back. I do fantasize about leaving everything behind, traveling the world. Living my dream, not being afraid of being me. To stop suffering in silence but to let myself be me. But this is the family that I created, this is mine, my love, my tears, my time, my anger, and yes my sacrifices of being a mother.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Actions=Reactions
Action results in a reaction, so it shouldn't surprise me that since I'm not feeling like a caged up bear that I'm handling the baby girl's melt downs as I should and not like a crazed lunatic. I notice she has more outbursts, melt downs and tears when I'm feeling impatient and short. Or the truth is I can handle her better so she doesn't have a full blown tantrum. It lies on how I react to her, when I'm feeling the crazies I don't feel loving, patient or tolerant. Hell I can't even tolerate this skin I'm living in alone a whiny, monkey on my back pre-schooler.
Since the crazies has gone I've been patient and even nurturing...point in example last night we were in Target getting my niece a birthday present and baby girl had a melt down. She wanted a toy she saw and we told her no we weren't at the store for her but for her cousin. She actually cried and yelled out loud! Now this child has never had a tantrum in a store let alone demanding us buy her something but for the last two months since we have been staying at my mom's she has been spoiled.
My mom and aunt have been indulging in her every whim...they go out shopping together ( we call them the 3 amigos/ajumas) and they have bought her whatever she wants. This is a new thing for her so of course up till now the child who was content just going to store and looking at things demanded we get her a toy. The hubby was surprised and upset by her out burst and told her he was taking in the car. She cried louder saying"no I don't want to go outside, sorry daddy please!" Instead of getting louder and going off in korean I grabbed her arm, lowered myself to her and looked into her eyes and calmly told her "We already told you we are here for Katie's birthday present and not for you. It's not ok for you to yell or cry like this, so stop or else daddy will take you outside." And wouldn't you know she stopped...besides saying"I'm sorry mommy I won't do it again."
She continued to look at things and ask for them but for Christmas and had no more melt downs. I realise that since I didn't have a full blown cow over it she got over it faster...one thing about her she forgets easily , says I'm sorry and doesn't hold a grudge. How I love this little girl..no crazy stubbornness only when she wants me but not in wanting things her way. It's easy to love such a easy going child.
My point is that it really is important how I react to her actions and how things end really is up to me. I have a control over my reaction, I'm the adult (ok sometimes I forget) and it's up to me to defuse the situation before it gets worse. It starts with me to take care of myself before I get the crazies, to have me time , to nurture and take care of myself so I can take care and nurture the ones around me.
Since the crazies has gone I've been patient and even nurturing...point in example last night we were in Target getting my niece a birthday present and baby girl had a melt down. She wanted a toy she saw and we told her no we weren't at the store for her but for her cousin. She actually cried and yelled out loud! Now this child has never had a tantrum in a store let alone demanding us buy her something but for the last two months since we have been staying at my mom's she has been spoiled.
My mom and aunt have been indulging in her every whim...they go out shopping together ( we call them the 3 amigos/ajumas) and they have bought her whatever she wants. This is a new thing for her so of course up till now the child who was content just going to store and looking at things demanded we get her a toy. The hubby was surprised and upset by her out burst and told her he was taking in the car. She cried louder saying"no I don't want to go outside, sorry daddy please!" Instead of getting louder and going off in korean I grabbed her arm, lowered myself to her and looked into her eyes and calmly told her "We already told you we are here for Katie's birthday present and not for you. It's not ok for you to yell or cry like this, so stop or else daddy will take you outside." And wouldn't you know she stopped...besides saying"I'm sorry mommy I won't do it again."
She continued to look at things and ask for them but for Christmas and had no more melt downs. I realise that since I didn't have a full blown cow over it she got over it faster...one thing about her she forgets easily , says I'm sorry and doesn't hold a grudge. How I love this little girl..no crazy stubbornness only when she wants me but not in wanting things her way. It's easy to love such a easy going child.
My point is that it really is important how I react to her actions and how things end really is up to me. I have a control over my reaction, I'm the adult (ok sometimes I forget) and it's up to me to defuse the situation before it gets worse. It starts with me to take care of myself before I get the crazies, to have me time , to nurture and take care of myself so I can take care and nurture the ones around me.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Blogging Friends
They say one of the most important things for woman to have are friends, a support system that understands us, that heal us, that laugh, cry and complains with us. But sometimes we lose our life supports, be it through a move, a marriage, a birth of a child, a change in a career or just paths that diverge with time. I believe all the contacts and friendships we make are for a reason, no matter how short or meaningless we may seem to think they are, or not think about them at all.
We met people all the time, mostly from work at this age and we form bonds through similarities or simple respect of each other. But for a woman with children she loses all grasp of those friendship when she becomes a stay at home mom. She not only loses a wage, a career path, but her identity. Even though she swore to herself she would never lose who she was it bound to happen with warmth of this loving little being cuddled inside her arm. Then she takes another vow to protect and fiercely protect this precious gift bestowed in her arms.
All the memories of her life before are forgotten, as the haze of bi-hourly feedings, sore nipples, and constant care of this helpless new creature needing her. Unlike any other relationship she was in before, the love was instant, over whelming and so sweet. This tiny little creature who gave you stretch marks, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and gigantic plugged up ducts came to control you like a puppet. You are only there for this new precious being, any reminisces of your life before this new being is long forgotten.
So your on your way to motherhood, the quiet suffering as you lose all sense of your self, as the body you once knew has long been gone replaced with this big flabby, bumpy, swollen thing that gives life to this amazing being. So you lose friends, and if your lucky you aren't hit with post- pardum depression, and yet even as exhausted. It's all profoundly new and there are times of frustration and tears but still you keep it together enough to get that precious new being to be fed, bathed, clothed and diapered.
You feel so alone and even when you connect with friends with kids or new moms it still feels so alone. You feel like you are the only woman in the world to feel the lack of sleep, the crazy moments of weeping as the hormones change. You feel your world become hazier and hazier and you don't remember the days when you felt energized and awake. It seems like you never knew another life without sore, swollen boobs, diaper changes and spit up. But the sweet, angelic smile of your new being eases the pain, numbs the soul, as you slowly slip away.
Fast forward a few years and now your a full fledged mom, bigger literally and figuratively speaking. The former life before baby seems so far ago and you can't believe it actually was your own. Dance and stay out all night, drink and eat anything without worrying about getting it into the breast milk or to sleep in. So you try not to think about those days so wistfully, and convince yourself you are better, bigger, happier as your role as mom.
But deep inside you slowly die, motherhood kicks in and you know you want to do better than your own parents but unlike them you are bombarded with so much information. Too much structure,not enough, too much attention, not enough, no matter what you do you are guaranteed to screw up your kids. Then all the demons from your past come out, you are doing the things you swore you would never do with your kids, you are becoming your parent or worse you do not know how to parent, but your children have all run of your house because you are too afraid to discipline because you want to be their friend.
You become a angry because you are lost, you have given yourself completely to the point that there is nothing left to give. There is only a shell of your former self but you guilt yourself to do better, after all to be a mother is to be a martyr. Your laughter and smiles are lost replaced by frowns and screams. The wall of guilt grows higher and higher and we are forced to punish ourselves even more. After all we are our worst critics and we know we are crazy, we are the worst moms out there and that's all we are.
We have no self confidence, we cant wait until the kids go to school yet we are scared because can we go back to our former selves? Can we even get a job let alone a career? You know you can't stay at home once the kids are at school, a tiny part of you deep inside wants that desire and spark to be more. But you are so scared, you know logically you can go back but that still doesn't change the self doubt. Being a mother has strengthened you in ways you never thought possible, looking at poop and changing it without gagging, picking boogers with your bare hands, wiping up vomit without wanting to purge yourself but yet you are afraid.
Your life consists of reading the news online, then blogs and then one day you find yourself reading about other moms who actually had similar moments like you, even questioning their own sanity. They aren't stating motherhood isn't a bunch of bubbles, butterflies and rainbows but it sucks sometimes...ok a lot of the times. So the first time in a long time you feel a connection, you even have to look around because you are laughing out loud, feeling giddy and even good. Your newly acquired addiction has started and you log on daily, even in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.
You connect with these people you don't know, yet you feel their pain, disappointment and frustrations because they are like your own. You are finally able to relate you are not the only one in the world, that there are many like you out there and they are expressing themselves, baring their souls. So this motivates you to do the same, you start your own blog. You pick a anonymous name, something that can portray what you are feeling and you start writing. You keep reading others blogs, find inspiration to deal with your own demons. And then you do it, you reach out via a email or a comment because something has moved you enough. You are scared yet you feel the overwhelming pull to connect with this person, this person whom you seem to care so deeply about. A faceless person you haven't met but want to know because they are you. They convey the same feelings and thoughts you yourself have felt so many times before and you don't want them to feel that way. So in ways as you reach out to them you are reaching out to yourself.
Blogging friends are special and dear because we aren't forced to befriend them, we aren't obligated to respond if we don't want too, we choose to accept them when we are ready. This is to my new blogging friend Kia, thank you for reaching out and giving me this opportunity for our friendship.
We met people all the time, mostly from work at this age and we form bonds through similarities or simple respect of each other. But for a woman with children she loses all grasp of those friendship when she becomes a stay at home mom. She not only loses a wage, a career path, but her identity. Even though she swore to herself she would never lose who she was it bound to happen with warmth of this loving little being cuddled inside her arm. Then she takes another vow to protect and fiercely protect this precious gift bestowed in her arms.
All the memories of her life before are forgotten, as the haze of bi-hourly feedings, sore nipples, and constant care of this helpless new creature needing her. Unlike any other relationship she was in before, the love was instant, over whelming and so sweet. This tiny little creature who gave you stretch marks, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and gigantic plugged up ducts came to control you like a puppet. You are only there for this new precious being, any reminisces of your life before this new being is long forgotten.
So your on your way to motherhood, the quiet suffering as you lose all sense of your self, as the body you once knew has long been gone replaced with this big flabby, bumpy, swollen thing that gives life to this amazing being. So you lose friends, and if your lucky you aren't hit with post- pardum depression, and yet even as exhausted. It's all profoundly new and there are times of frustration and tears but still you keep it together enough to get that precious new being to be fed, bathed, clothed and diapered.
You feel so alone and even when you connect with friends with kids or new moms it still feels so alone. You feel like you are the only woman in the world to feel the lack of sleep, the crazy moments of weeping as the hormones change. You feel your world become hazier and hazier and you don't remember the days when you felt energized and awake. It seems like you never knew another life without sore, swollen boobs, diaper changes and spit up. But the sweet, angelic smile of your new being eases the pain, numbs the soul, as you slowly slip away.
Fast forward a few years and now your a full fledged mom, bigger literally and figuratively speaking. The former life before baby seems so far ago and you can't believe it actually was your own. Dance and stay out all night, drink and eat anything without worrying about getting it into the breast milk or to sleep in. So you try not to think about those days so wistfully, and convince yourself you are better, bigger, happier as your role as mom.
But deep inside you slowly die, motherhood kicks in and you know you want to do better than your own parents but unlike them you are bombarded with so much information. Too much structure,not enough, too much attention, not enough, no matter what you do you are guaranteed to screw up your kids. Then all the demons from your past come out, you are doing the things you swore you would never do with your kids, you are becoming your parent or worse you do not know how to parent, but your children have all run of your house because you are too afraid to discipline because you want to be their friend.
You become a angry because you are lost, you have given yourself completely to the point that there is nothing left to give. There is only a shell of your former self but you guilt yourself to do better, after all to be a mother is to be a martyr. Your laughter and smiles are lost replaced by frowns and screams. The wall of guilt grows higher and higher and we are forced to punish ourselves even more. After all we are our worst critics and we know we are crazy, we are the worst moms out there and that's all we are.
We have no self confidence, we cant wait until the kids go to school yet we are scared because can we go back to our former selves? Can we even get a job let alone a career? You know you can't stay at home once the kids are at school, a tiny part of you deep inside wants that desire and spark to be more. But you are so scared, you know logically you can go back but that still doesn't change the self doubt. Being a mother has strengthened you in ways you never thought possible, looking at poop and changing it without gagging, picking boogers with your bare hands, wiping up vomit without wanting to purge yourself but yet you are afraid.
Your life consists of reading the news online, then blogs and then one day you find yourself reading about other moms who actually had similar moments like you, even questioning their own sanity. They aren't stating motherhood isn't a bunch of bubbles, butterflies and rainbows but it sucks sometimes...ok a lot of the times. So the first time in a long time you feel a connection, you even have to look around because you are laughing out loud, feeling giddy and even good. Your newly acquired addiction has started and you log on daily, even in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.
You connect with these people you don't know, yet you feel their pain, disappointment and frustrations because they are like your own. You are finally able to relate you are not the only one in the world, that there are many like you out there and they are expressing themselves, baring their souls. So this motivates you to do the same, you start your own blog. You pick a anonymous name, something that can portray what you are feeling and you start writing. You keep reading others blogs, find inspiration to deal with your own demons. And then you do it, you reach out via a email or a comment because something has moved you enough. You are scared yet you feel the overwhelming pull to connect with this person, this person whom you seem to care so deeply about. A faceless person you haven't met but want to know because they are you. They convey the same feelings and thoughts you yourself have felt so many times before and you don't want them to feel that way. So in ways as you reach out to them you are reaching out to yourself.
Blogging friends are special and dear because we aren't forced to befriend them, we aren't obligated to respond if we don't want too, we choose to accept them when we are ready. This is to my new blogging friend Kia, thank you for reaching out and giving me this opportunity for our friendship.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Things That Move Us
I know everyone has things that moves them to tears, anger, joy, envy, exhilaration and pride. Sometimes it occurs with age but usually with experience. It shapes us to feel things differently than we did before. Be it shame as a child being scolded for something we did, the kiss of our first love, the anger of being called a name in the school yard or the simple joy of seeing a pretty flower. Whatever it may be this is what connects us to others, the experiences and feelings we associate with these life passing. Not always good, some traumatic but these are the things that allow us to empathize with others. Only sociopaths and deviants are unable to feel for others, unable to see beyond their own desires and needs.
But some times in life we all fail to see others needs before our own and we fulfill our own desires. In some cases these people are seen as smart, successful, men. But others are selfish, cold, bitches, women. This is the standard in our society, in many societies. Even when a woman succeeds to the top she is seen differently, called names, treated differently than a man, then she in turns becomes extra hard, cold and even ruthless. There is a double standard in this world, as much as we may study it, show proof of it, it will never really cease to stop. As much as we educate ourselves about such treatment, we all play a role in it. Only a very few actually live their lives by what they preach.
It is the easy way, after all if you are a woman speaking out against such treatment you will be isolated, torn down and tossed aside. It's a daunting task, like David and Goliath and at times the little guy does win but for every win there are thousands of more injustices that occur. But this doesn't stop the hopeful, the young, the ones who haven't turned bitter and disgusted. Rarely a few older souls stay bright, hopeful and untainted by the foul tastes life bring on.
They are the ones that are moved by the wonder and beauty of the morning sun, the joy and delight in a child's laugh, the devotion and faith in love. They give us hope to remember before the weight on our shoulders brought us down, the pain that defeated us, the shame we felt, the doubt we felt, the loss of hope. Sometimes its hard to see the sun through the thick haze of doubt, sometimes we all need a reminder of the things that moved us.
But some times in life we all fail to see others needs before our own and we fulfill our own desires. In some cases these people are seen as smart, successful, men. But others are selfish, cold, bitches, women. This is the standard in our society, in many societies. Even when a woman succeeds to the top she is seen differently, called names, treated differently than a man, then she in turns becomes extra hard, cold and even ruthless. There is a double standard in this world, as much as we may study it, show proof of it, it will never really cease to stop. As much as we educate ourselves about such treatment, we all play a role in it. Only a very few actually live their lives by what they preach.
It is the easy way, after all if you are a woman speaking out against such treatment you will be isolated, torn down and tossed aside. It's a daunting task, like David and Goliath and at times the little guy does win but for every win there are thousands of more injustices that occur. But this doesn't stop the hopeful, the young, the ones who haven't turned bitter and disgusted. Rarely a few older souls stay bright, hopeful and untainted by the foul tastes life bring on.
They are the ones that are moved by the wonder and beauty of the morning sun, the joy and delight in a child's laugh, the devotion and faith in love. They give us hope to remember before the weight on our shoulders brought us down, the pain that defeated us, the shame we felt, the doubt we felt, the loss of hope. Sometimes its hard to see the sun through the thick haze of doubt, sometimes we all need a reminder of the things that moved us.
I'am human
to be human is to make mistakes,
to be human is to have regrets,
to be human is to learn from those mistakes,
to be human is not repeat those mistakes,
to be human is to make them again,
to be human is to move forward,
to be human is to move two steps back,
to be human is to be imperfect,
to be human is wanting perfection,
to be human is striving,
to be human is deciding,
to be human is enlightening,
to be human is what I want to be,
to be in pain,
to be imperfect,
to be moving forward,
to be regretting,
to be learning,
to be enlightened,
to accept I'am human.
to be human is to have regrets,
to be human is to learn from those mistakes,
to be human is not repeat those mistakes,
to be human is to make them again,
to be human is to move forward,
to be human is to move two steps back,
to be human is to be imperfect,
to be human is wanting perfection,
to be human is striving,
to be human is deciding,
to be human is enlightening,
to be human is what I want to be,
to be in pain,
to be imperfect,
to be moving forward,
to be regretting,
to be learning,
to be enlightened,
to accept I'am human.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
and then the beast reared it's ugly head.....
I know I'm PMSing but the craziness has got to stop...I don't know where the anger comes from but its insatiable monster that needs to be fed. It's all but a pin drop away before it implodes within myself. It happens monthly although lasts more than a week and then I restart all over again. Working at feeling normal again...hello is it just me?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Yet another week has past.
It's already Friday although since I stopped working its not quite the same as before. Weekends were for shopping, laundry, cleaning...no wait it is the same but now I go to my mom's house and work. Today is my cleaning/laundry day, but I say that very loosely since I haven't cleaned anything but I did three loads of laundry. Half way true so yeah I'm on schedule...pms is on schedule and kicking my ass like usual. Gotta love the clock work as the "craziness" rears its ugly head.
I really believe there should be a pms pass where a woman can leave her home (children, spouse/sig. other, mess) for a week to somewhere preferably tropical, with warm sands, water, tanned topless waiters (21-25 years of age) serving drinks and cravings all while receiving massages. Which of course is mandatory otherwise your pass would be void. :) Or if you prefer a cooler climate somewhere in the snow covered alps, lounging in a thick terry clothed robe drinking hot chocolate, coffee (spiked with alcohol) or whatever your hearts desire. Of course being served hand and foot by some hot, young service boy. Just like the tropics only in a warm and cozy resort just for pms'd mom's of course. Lots of food any kind you can possible imagine and best part yet no phones, blackberries...etc.
Ok sign me up, I'm there. Hell make it only a weekend, two nights two whole days, without any guilt from my kids, husband, family and mostly myself! Cause you know we can guilt ourselves better (besides our Korean moms) than anyone else can. Well that was nice fantasy...hey it's even tamed the pms...maybe its like meditation, transport yourself to your good place, inhale, exhale...breathe.
I really believe there should be a pms pass where a woman can leave her home (children, spouse/sig. other, mess) for a week to somewhere preferably tropical, with warm sands, water, tanned topless waiters (21-25 years of age) serving drinks and cravings all while receiving massages. Which of course is mandatory otherwise your pass would be void. :) Or if you prefer a cooler climate somewhere in the snow covered alps, lounging in a thick terry clothed robe drinking hot chocolate, coffee (spiked with alcohol) or whatever your hearts desire. Of course being served hand and foot by some hot, young service boy. Just like the tropics only in a warm and cozy resort just for pms'd mom's of course. Lots of food any kind you can possible imagine and best part yet no phones, blackberries...etc.
Ok sign me up, I'm there. Hell make it only a weekend, two nights two whole days, without any guilt from my kids, husband, family and mostly myself! Cause you know we can guilt ourselves better (besides our Korean moms) than anyone else can. Well that was nice fantasy...hey it's even tamed the pms...maybe its like meditation, transport yourself to your good place, inhale, exhale...breathe.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Blogging fool
I'm doing it, keeping up with the daily writing although I do notice I start off with a certain topic and then I ramble on and on. I guess I've got a lot to say and no one to say it too. One thing I do notice is that when I just write and then publish I end up with a mess. I understand the reason behind editing however part of me doesn't not want this to be a class in critical writing. I want the freedom to express myself regardless of how incoherent or disorganized it may be. Although I do want to make some sense but than if I need to rant and rave then be it I will. After all that was the reason why I started this.
I'm trying to make it visually appealing as well and even promised to post some pictures, after all I know I enjoy reading posts with pictures. I'm becoming more aware of other bloggers and know of at least one who follows my blog so I find myself wanting to please my sole reader. :) Yep its the "krajee korean mom" in me wanting to please others. But at the same time it's actually is a good thing, why? Because it makes me responsible because I need to answer to someone else besides myself while making a connection. I guess it goes back to meeting others needs before mine, but this also makes me feel happy. Helping, giving to others give me the greatest joy...my dream job would be a philanthropist to give money to others. Second for sure is a food critic, one that travels the world and tastes different foods. Yep in my perfect world I would be a traveling food tasting philanthropist.
Yep another simple task that has turned into a psycho-social analyzes...hmmm took too many psych and soc. classes. But hey I was trying to figure out why I was crazy although I never did find the answer after all I knew it all along. I'm not crazy cause real crazy people don't think they are crazy. Hmmm doesn't make me feel better. :)
I'm trying to make it visually appealing as well and even promised to post some pictures, after all I know I enjoy reading posts with pictures. I'm becoming more aware of other bloggers and know of at least one who follows my blog so I find myself wanting to please my sole reader. :) Yep its the "krajee korean mom" in me wanting to please others. But at the same time it's actually is a good thing, why? Because it makes me responsible because I need to answer to someone else besides myself while making a connection. I guess it goes back to meeting others needs before mine, but this also makes me feel happy. Helping, giving to others give me the greatest joy...my dream job would be a philanthropist to give money to others. Second for sure is a food critic, one that travels the world and tastes different foods. Yep in my perfect world I would be a traveling food tasting philanthropist.
Yep another simple task that has turned into a psycho-social analyzes...hmmm took too many psych and soc. classes. But hey I was trying to figure out why I was crazy although I never did find the answer after all I knew it all along. I'm not crazy cause real crazy people don't think they are crazy. Hmmm doesn't make me feel better. :)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Black widows.....
At home right now, just spoke with the pest control guy about the annoying black widows. Since we moved here we've noticed a slight pest problem...ok really annoying and scary pest problem. I'm all about the circle of life and shit but having black widows all around my house is not ok. We waited to get them sprayed/exterminated but I've noticed even with finishing our backyard (no longer a dessert oasis festering with crickets, ants and spiders) they black widows remain. Till we moved here I have never seen a real life black widow but now I'm an expert. I'm also a victim of a spider bite...not sure if it was black widow but it was nasty because it caused a abscess a big as a half dollar and at least half inch deep. It was on my left side, at first it looked like a little red spot, didn't hurt. Week later the red spot grew, then it started to hurt and get hard. Of course during this time I didn't have health insurance either since I quit my job. I also noticed two little red marks, like bit marks. So I decided after much pain maybe I need to go to the doctor, looked up a urgent care place and went in. Well $240 later he told me it was a spider bite, I thought it was a "bug bite" and told me I needed to have it cut out, removed but he didn't do that there. He gave me antibiotics and gave me some advise since I didn't have health insurance. He advise me to put a hot cloth soaked in Epsom salt on the spot until it brought up the pus.
So I went home armed with my Epsom salt and towel and compressed my bite. It was painful and hard because I was still breastfeeding. But I managed to bring up the pus within a few days, but now what? It looked like a giant zit with white pus ready to pop. I didn't know what to do so I went and made an appointment at my old place of employment (medical clinic).
I was a side show, they never saw anything like it before, the P.A. who saw me said I needed have it removed like at the ER or somewhere, she was afraid to do it so close to my stomach. Luckily one of the doctors I knew saw me and came to say hello and said she could do it. Yep she squeezed this shit...yep it hurt but it was hurting already due to the swelling and shit. It was nasty, it looked like a giant zit, exploding with green and yellowish goop. She squeezed as much as she could and told me to keep squeezing it at home, to get all the stuff out. But to make sure to keep it covered and cleaned or else I would have a serious infection, I also got more antibiotics, turns out the other stuff was the wrong kind. Well after it was all said and done I had a huge gaping hole on my stomach, I saw another doctor at my old work and he told me I needed a skin graft most likely since the hole was so big. But he said we could try to put some patches on it first covered with gauze. He gave me some patches and instructions to keep it cleaned and to change it daily. Well it healed, the big round circle is now a bumpy 1 1/2 inch scare but it healed without a skin graft my my arse.:)
Well back to the spraying, it was all done within 15 min and $140 later, got a 60 day warranty so that's good. Hopefully those nasty buggers are gone, I don't mind other spiders just not the kind that can cause damage or even death.
So I went home armed with my Epsom salt and towel and compressed my bite. It was painful and hard because I was still breastfeeding. But I managed to bring up the pus within a few days, but now what? It looked like a giant zit with white pus ready to pop. I didn't know what to do so I went and made an appointment at my old place of employment (medical clinic).
I was a side show, they never saw anything like it before, the P.A. who saw me said I needed have it removed like at the ER or somewhere, she was afraid to do it so close to my stomach. Luckily one of the doctors I knew saw me and came to say hello and said she could do it. Yep she squeezed this shit...yep it hurt but it was hurting already due to the swelling and shit. It was nasty, it looked like a giant zit, exploding with green and yellowish goop. She squeezed as much as she could and told me to keep squeezing it at home, to get all the stuff out. But to make sure to keep it covered and cleaned or else I would have a serious infection, I also got more antibiotics, turns out the other stuff was the wrong kind. Well after it was all said and done I had a huge gaping hole on my stomach, I saw another doctor at my old work and he told me I needed a skin graft most likely since the hole was so big. But he said we could try to put some patches on it first covered with gauze. He gave me some patches and instructions to keep it cleaned and to change it daily. Well it healed, the big round circle is now a bumpy 1 1/2 inch scare but it healed without a skin graft my my arse.:)
Well back to the spraying, it was all done within 15 min and $140 later, got a 60 day warranty so that's good. Hopefully those nasty buggers are gone, I don't mind other spiders just not the kind that can cause damage or even death.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Weekend is over
It's Sunday night and the hubby and son went back home while me and baby girl are still at my mom's house. We finished sanding (ok hubby finished) , fixed plumbing for the sink, painted on the primer and laid out the tile. It looks really good if I say so myself, especially since its a first for us. I just need to paint the door, buy door hinges, then paint the room on Tuesday since it takes 24 hours for the tile to set and then grout it. Next week we will need to put in the vanity, mirror, and cabinet, reinstall the shower, and install the moldings. I can't wait for it to be done, because having everything ripped apart and in disarray stresses me out. If it was my house I wouldn't be as stressed but since its my mom's it makes me uneasy. So now I feel relief since the walls are primed and the floor is done, well clean that is.
Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight since I got some physical activity today, but it's hard to sleep on this crappy old bed. Even if it was a nice new bed it's hard for me to sleep anywhere besides my own house and bed. Even then sleep invades me, I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep like when I was younger but it seems harder and harder to fall and stay asleep. I have insomnia but I don't want to take any thing for it, I don't like to take any kinds of medicines. I'm one of those people who get the crappy side affects, if any are possible I get it so I tend not to take anything unless I have too. I only take claritin because I have allergies other wise I would not be taking that either.
I feel tired but can I can tell I'm getting PMSsy, I always get bloated, crampy, bitchy, irritable and just plain crazy when these damn eggs fall. I can actually feel which side they fall from because it hurts. When I was younger I never had these issues, seems like since I'm getting older I'm falling apart and feeling crappier by the day. I hate PMS, it sucks, I suck when I get this way...so far I'm not there yet but when I get to that point I need to keep super busy or else I will snap. I guess part of all this craziness I keeping on top if it, knowing when and what triggers me is my best defense. I guess that is also why I don't want to take any meds for the depression because even though part of it is biological/chemical another component is how I react to it. I know what the symptoms so I need to be proactive and take care of myself before I flip out. Self control, discipline, self awareness and action are required during these times. I need to be ok for my family but more so for myself.
Writing in this blog has helped since I've been keeping up it now and also having my new blog friend. It's nice to have someone who doesn't know me yet we seem to have so much in common. I guess that is what drove me to start this blog in the first place. After reading all those other blogs I realized I wasn't the only one who felt crazy, sad, tired or really mad at their kids. Made me feel human, part of a group, something I never really felt before. I love reading blogs, although I admit I can get carried away and that's all I do. It's addicting if it's a honest perspective, those are my favorite, ones that aren't censored or edited so they don't seem controversial or unpleasant or raw. But those are the best I think, straight out forward, frank and simply put.
Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight since I got some physical activity today, but it's hard to sleep on this crappy old bed. Even if it was a nice new bed it's hard for me to sleep anywhere besides my own house and bed. Even then sleep invades me, I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep like when I was younger but it seems harder and harder to fall and stay asleep. I have insomnia but I don't want to take any thing for it, I don't like to take any kinds of medicines. I'm one of those people who get the crappy side affects, if any are possible I get it so I tend not to take anything unless I have too. I only take claritin because I have allergies other wise I would not be taking that either.
I feel tired but can I can tell I'm getting PMSsy, I always get bloated, crampy, bitchy, irritable and just plain crazy when these damn eggs fall. I can actually feel which side they fall from because it hurts. When I was younger I never had these issues, seems like since I'm getting older I'm falling apart and feeling crappier by the day. I hate PMS, it sucks, I suck when I get this way...so far I'm not there yet but when I get to that point I need to keep super busy or else I will snap. I guess part of all this craziness I keeping on top if it, knowing when and what triggers me is my best defense. I guess that is also why I don't want to take any meds for the depression because even though part of it is biological/chemical another component is how I react to it. I know what the symptoms so I need to be proactive and take care of myself before I flip out. Self control, discipline, self awareness and action are required during these times. I need to be ok for my family but more so for myself.
Writing in this blog has helped since I've been keeping up it now and also having my new blog friend. It's nice to have someone who doesn't know me yet we seem to have so much in common. I guess that is what drove me to start this blog in the first place. After reading all those other blogs I realized I wasn't the only one who felt crazy, sad, tired or really mad at their kids. Made me feel human, part of a group, something I never really felt before. I love reading blogs, although I admit I can get carried away and that's all I do. It's addicting if it's a honest perspective, those are my favorite, ones that aren't censored or edited so they don't seem controversial or unpleasant or raw. But those are the best I think, straight out forward, frank and simply put.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
To poop or not to poop......
It's drizzling outside, definitely not a good hard rain, just the kind that leaves your car looking like shit. My ass is totally unmotivated, I should be helping my husband sand the walls but instead I'm surfing the Internet. I'm constipated, yep plugged up and feeling like crap...yep feeling it not taking one. I go from having days of shits to being totally blocked up...I actually prefer the runs, at least I feel light and good. Only time you realize how important it is to be regular is when you aren't.
Nothing really compares to the lightness and flow of relief from taking a good dump. Really as disgusting and uncouth as it maybe to talk about it, its only natural and it sure feels damn good when it happens. When I'm stressed my body shows it by giving me the runs or plugging me up, a few years back my doctor told me I had IBS. I noticed it got alot better once I stopped drinking (weekend binges) but its been years since I did that. It's from stress I know, like all the bumps and rash that is all over my body right now. The body definitely will let it out whether you actually do something about it or not.
I've always been irregular ever since childhood, first from fear of having tape worm when I was 5 or so. I remember to this day of the worms coming out of my butt, not a pleasant thing especially as a child. I didn't understand it all but thought any time I would poop there would be worms so I held it in, I thought it was normal to poop like every 7 days or so, I didn't realize your supposed to poop at least once a day. Well it didn't help once I hit high school I started dieting, not eating food, taking laxatives to poop. I couldn't force myself to throw up so instead I took laxatives right after I ate. Correctal was my friend, hell I even drank mineral oil, I read somewhere it helped to poop so I would drink it, it wasn't baby oil but might as well have been without the fragrance. Besides drinking I would slather it all over my body to cook in the sun. Wow what dumb ass I used to be...."youth is wasted on the young" definitely is true. It's amazing how when we were young we were so set on destroying ourselves.
Every time I try to post something on the lighter side I go completely nuts and get deep..ok caught my self so gonna end it at this...I need to take a nice shawdoobee soon!
Nothing really compares to the lightness and flow of relief from taking a good dump. Really as disgusting and uncouth as it maybe to talk about it, its only natural and it sure feels damn good when it happens. When I'm stressed my body shows it by giving me the runs or plugging me up, a few years back my doctor told me I had IBS. I noticed it got alot better once I stopped drinking (weekend binges) but its been years since I did that. It's from stress I know, like all the bumps and rash that is all over my body right now. The body definitely will let it out whether you actually do something about it or not.
I've always been irregular ever since childhood, first from fear of having tape worm when I was 5 or so. I remember to this day of the worms coming out of my butt, not a pleasant thing especially as a child. I didn't understand it all but thought any time I would poop there would be worms so I held it in, I thought it was normal to poop like every 7 days or so, I didn't realize your supposed to poop at least once a day. Well it didn't help once I hit high school I started dieting, not eating food, taking laxatives to poop. I couldn't force myself to throw up so instead I took laxatives right after I ate. Correctal was my friend, hell I even drank mineral oil, I read somewhere it helped to poop so I would drink it, it wasn't baby oil but might as well have been without the fragrance. Besides drinking I would slather it all over my body to cook in the sun. Wow what dumb ass I used to be...."youth is wasted on the young" definitely is true. It's amazing how when we were young we were so set on destroying ourselves.
Every time I try to post something on the lighter side I go completely nuts and get deep..ok caught my self so gonna end it at this...I need to take a nice shawdoobee soon!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Food.....mmmm soo good!
I started this post a few days ago but didn't complete it, got distracted by the kids. Well came back to do my daily post (I have decided no matter what the topic or how long or short I will do one post a day) after reading my new favorite food blog...TasteSpotting (thanks Kia for the link). Man I love all the pictures, they look so good...I realized I've been looking at it for the last hour and half, unfortunately I haven't seen any Korean recipes yet but I still have many more pages to view.
My love for food and made me realize I need to pay closer attention to how my mom makes kimchi and all her other Korean recipes. Luckily this weekend we will be making some kimchi since its been over a 6 months since she made the last batch. When I say we will make some I don't mean a few heads of cabbage but 4 crates, yes crates of it! Scary I know but this woman does not know how to do little, if we are to have 15 people she will cook for 200! She has "big hand" as they say in Korean..one of the qualities I inherited from her.
We usually go to K-Town in L.A. but she found out from my Aunt ( jawgouen oma) that she can get it straight from the fields in Santa Maria. That's how she got it last time so she asked her to buy 4 crates this time (it's a good thing cause I just washed out my last kimchi jar last week) :)
So this time I will actually write it down, especially since it's not something I will be making monthly.
It's funny how as adults we go back to loving foods we may have not liked so much as children, although I always loved kimchi jigae, especially the very ripe one. I love kimchi when its freshly made and when it gets ripe..the middle stage kinda sucks. Mmmm makes me hungry thinking about it! Good thing I'm at mom's cause she made me some awesome kimchi out of baby bok choy...oh my gosh do damn good and tender! Hmm I gotta start taking pictures and post them too. Change in topic but I do have a pretty nice camera the hubby got me two Christmas or so ago. Because I was interested in taking pictures however with my mental state I haven't utilized my toy. So promise to myself to start taking some pics and start posting.
Besides pictures make things look much more interesting to read. Presentation just like food.
Other day post.....
Did I mention I love to eat? I love good food, from fancy smancy stuff to just good old bowl of rice with kimchi jigae. For the past 11 months or so I've been baking bread at home, from scratch besides some help from my sunbeam bread maker that mixes and kneads the dough for me. To date I think I have gone through at least 200pds of flour because besides baking bread for sandwiches I've made pizza dough, cinnamon rolls, french bread, red bean buns, hoe ducc, cookies, scones, soft pretzels, sweet rolls and then some. At first it seemed hard cause I was being real careful about the measurements and stuff but with time and many many products later its been easy especially with the bread maker mixing and kneading the dough.
I've never been one to follow directions, that is measuring things out perfectly, maybe coming from a Korean mom who doesn't measure anything has something to do with it.. I would start off with a recipe but always tweak it to my accord, and even though people swear to exact measurements in baking I say boulder dash. I add, subtract, tweak mostly everything I have followed from a recipe but mostly I use a recipe or idea for inspiration and do my own thing to do. I can say I'm a decent cook and baker...my family loves my food and baked goods. And my husband had gained 40 pounds since I met him, most of it from the first year..but than that's from my mom's cooking since we were living with her then. He was underweight when we met, a boy, now he is a "Man". :)
My love for food and made me realize I need to pay closer attention to how my mom makes kimchi and all her other Korean recipes. Luckily this weekend we will be making some kimchi since its been over a 6 months since she made the last batch. When I say we will make some I don't mean a few heads of cabbage but 4 crates, yes crates of it! Scary I know but this woman does not know how to do little, if we are to have 15 people she will cook for 200! She has "big hand" as they say in Korean..one of the qualities I inherited from her.
We usually go to K-Town in L.A. but she found out from my Aunt ( jawgouen oma) that she can get it straight from the fields in Santa Maria. That's how she got it last time so she asked her to buy 4 crates this time (it's a good thing cause I just washed out my last kimchi jar last week) :)
So this time I will actually write it down, especially since it's not something I will be making monthly.
It's funny how as adults we go back to loving foods we may have not liked so much as children, although I always loved kimchi jigae, especially the very ripe one. I love kimchi when its freshly made and when it gets ripe..the middle stage kinda sucks. Mmmm makes me hungry thinking about it! Good thing I'm at mom's cause she made me some awesome kimchi out of baby bok choy...oh my gosh do damn good and tender! Hmm I gotta start taking pictures and post them too. Change in topic but I do have a pretty nice camera the hubby got me two Christmas or so ago. Because I was interested in taking pictures however with my mental state I haven't utilized my toy. So promise to myself to start taking some pics and start posting.
Besides pictures make things look much more interesting to read. Presentation just like food.
Other day post.....
Did I mention I love to eat? I love good food, from fancy smancy stuff to just good old bowl of rice with kimchi jigae. For the past 11 months or so I've been baking bread at home, from scratch besides some help from my sunbeam bread maker that mixes and kneads the dough for me. To date I think I have gone through at least 200pds of flour because besides baking bread for sandwiches I've made pizza dough, cinnamon rolls, french bread, red bean buns, hoe ducc, cookies, scones, soft pretzels, sweet rolls and then some. At first it seemed hard cause I was being real careful about the measurements and stuff but with time and many many products later its been easy especially with the bread maker mixing and kneading the dough.
I've never been one to follow directions, that is measuring things out perfectly, maybe coming from a Korean mom who doesn't measure anything has something to do with it.. I would start off with a recipe but always tweak it to my accord, and even though people swear to exact measurements in baking I say boulder dash. I add, subtract, tweak mostly everything I have followed from a recipe but mostly I use a recipe or idea for inspiration and do my own thing to do. I can say I'm a decent cook and baker...my family loves my food and baked goods. And my husband had gained 40 pounds since I met him, most of it from the first year..but than that's from my mom's cooking since we were living with her then. He was underweight when we met, a boy, now he is a "Man". :)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
simply put...
To Do:
1.Continue budgeting
2.Continue working on mom's house
3.*Start exercise program
4.Focus on the kids
5.Focus on the hubby
Simply put things I need to work on...although they are all so much more complicated than that, but writing them out like that makes it easier to handle.
It's Friday today so time to do laundry and pack since we will be leaving for my mom's house to finish the bathroom. It's major work, re tiling, patching up the drywall and installing all new vanity, cabinets and painting. So basically a new bathroom...two weeks ago I demolished everything, while it was hard it was very therapeutic ripping out the tiles. I can see how people like remodeling homes, it starts off looking like crap but then looks so good afterwards. I guess that's what I like about it, because you can see the difference...kinda like cleaning a really dirty room. I guess I have to admit I like cleaning although not picking shit up (kids toys). Although I'm sure my family will beg to differ because I will start off in a decent mood but end up yelling, screaming and cursing by the end of the clean up. I jut get mad at how fast the house gets dirty and how no but me can pick anything off the floor. If I didn't put things away my self or tell them to put things away my house would be a pigsty. Really it would and you know I hate being that krajee korean mom complaining and bitching but if I don't nothing , nothing would get done around here.
*I need a exercise plan because I can't lose the weight like I used, it was always so easy to keep the weight off before (although not that I needed to lose weight before)but then I was never this heavy before. (sigh) fat sucks, especially the muffin tops...love them just not on my own waist!
1.Continue budgeting
2.Continue working on mom's house
3.*Start exercise program
4.Focus on the kids
5.Focus on the hubby
Simply put things I need to work on...although they are all so much more complicated than that, but writing them out like that makes it easier to handle.
It's Friday today so time to do laundry and pack since we will be leaving for my mom's house to finish the bathroom. It's major work, re tiling, patching up the drywall and installing all new vanity, cabinets and painting. So basically a new bathroom...two weeks ago I demolished everything, while it was hard it was very therapeutic ripping out the tiles. I can see how people like remodeling homes, it starts off looking like crap but then looks so good afterwards. I guess that's what I like about it, because you can see the difference...kinda like cleaning a really dirty room. I guess I have to admit I like cleaning although not picking shit up (kids toys). Although I'm sure my family will beg to differ because I will start off in a decent mood but end up yelling, screaming and cursing by the end of the clean up. I jut get mad at how fast the house gets dirty and how no but me can pick anything off the floor. If I didn't put things away my self or tell them to put things away my house would be a pigsty. Really it would and you know I hate being that krajee korean mom complaining and bitching but if I don't nothing , nothing would get done around here.
*I need a exercise plan because I can't lose the weight like I used, it was always so easy to keep the weight off before (although not that I needed to lose weight before)but then I was never this heavy before. (sigh) fat sucks, especially the muffin tops...love them just not on my own waist!
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