tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77828586226588510332024-03-13T22:12:37.096-07:00I'm Working From The Inside Out...Crazy Ramblings of My Inner Voice....imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-84787880761040111022011-12-07T11:33:00.001-08:002011-12-07T12:28:05.464-08:00GratefulI can't believe how fast this year has passed and how much has changed and yet remained the same. It's already December 7th, 34 days till my son ships off to Navy boot camp. I guess that is why the days seem to slip by so fast even though we had 6 months till January 10th. I guess it has given me time to grieve and now finally accept his choice and actually feel confident in the path he has imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-44555482387801871192011-05-12T12:29:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:40:44.141-07:00Birthday's and failureIt's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-73544668053502449032011-04-07T10:15:00.000-07:002011-04-10T20:29:25.119-07:00Four YearsIt will be four years this Sunday, April 10th, my Uncle's birthday that my father passed away. In ways it seems just like yesterday and then as I look at my children I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. The pain of watching him die is forever embedded in my being so as I think about him the pain resurfaces raw and real but the one thing I'm able to do is not think about him or else I imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-34029131599423372002011-04-05T09:38:00.000-07:002011-04-05T18:58:40.666-07:00LifeI guess besides having my bad days I have defeated the "fog" for the time being. More or less I feel more like myself, not perfect far from it but I do not have the over whelming feeling of dread and defeat. I feel ok and life is good in so many ways and I'm finally able to see since the fog has dissipated! My mom fractured her fibula and sprained her ankle while going into work last week. But imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-28853663483045230342011-03-09T18:14:00.000-08:002011-03-09T18:29:24.872-08:00The Calm after the stormRight after my latest rant fest/melt down things have looked brighter. For one the next day son comes home with a bouquet of flowers and tells me how he appreciates me and loves me. The same morning I'm not yelling for baby girl to hurry up and eat, no arguments or break downs (mine) and homework after school is a breeze. She gets it, no complaining, no whining. And the crazy part is that I imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-36284759002596792042011-03-04T08:55:00.000-08:002011-03-04T09:18:52.386-08:00Mothering, failure at its worst.No matter how I try I fail at being a good mother. At this moment I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. Even though I finished school it's not like I did my best, far from it. It seems like my entire life I have not succeed in doing anything worth while and worst of all I'am a failure at being a parent, a mother. I don't want to blame how I was parented or mothered because imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-75737049370690364712011-03-01T13:34:00.001-08:002011-03-01T13:41:56.094-08:00Being Grateful Even When You're NotI have to keep reminding myself of all the things I do have and not dwell on the things I do not. As I try to stay afloat I have to admit I get tired of just paddling and staying afloat but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to stop paddling and let myself sink to the bottom. But then who am'I kidding there is no way that would ever happen...even as I curse and fight the entire way I would imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-19614087115704899072011-02-17T11:01:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:15:00.787-08:00OkWell all is ok even with my melt down although in many ways they are actually tamer in ways and just going with it instead of fighting it seemed to make it pass without too much destruction. I'm feeling fine actually besides have some body aches which could be related to all the illness that is running rampant at the kids schools or maybe just arthritis due from the damp weather, either way I imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-58691509482458139642011-02-10T10:03:00.000-08:002011-02-10T10:26:04.869-08:00ParentingBaby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-56353241832350507832011-02-08T15:44:00.000-08:002011-02-08T16:00:37.324-08:00In circlesAs much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-32869871758441077032011-01-31T11:01:00.000-08:002011-01-31T11:20:13.760-08:00Being PresentIt seems so obvious and simple that it is completely missed and over looked. That being in the present and not looking forward or back is the key to contentment. I realize being present in the right now is so difficult for me to do. My mind is usually occupied with things in the past or looking into the future when today passes me by and I wonder where it went. This has been my life for the past imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-19527872886452925312011-01-18T13:01:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:17:11.478-08:00The Year of ChangeSo I 've made up my mind to change, ok so it's been a long time coming but this year,2011 I will really make the steps to work on all the things that I need to change, to improve, to grow, to hopefully better myself. So 2011 has already started and it's officially January 18th today I start. I will write every day on paper, not just here but use a pen or pencil on paper regardless of what it is. imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-60138559494773373822011-01-13T16:57:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:17:40.436-08:00GratefulSometimes it's hard to feel grateful and positive when dealing with a 17 year old and a 6 year old. I try to remind myself how it could be worst but sometimes it's hard to believe since I gave up my life for them.imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-22045534317024547382011-01-12T12:52:00.000-08:002011-01-12T13:12:17.124-08:00Puff puffI can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-25578460073099301632011-01-11T10:40:00.000-08:002011-01-11T11:12:13.610-08:00ThoughtTo be categorized, labeled, grouped, clustered, classed, named, slotted and defined we are a part of society, to others even to our self. In the ways of man we label everything in our world, and if there is not a label we seek one out to define it to shove it in what believe it to be fitting. However we change and reassign because "new" things have been discovered when in reality we never knew imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-48803913630781943372011-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:002011-01-06T12:49:59.035-08:0020112010 came and went in a flash...I know time goes by faster as we age but wow this year really went by fast. On the positive note I went through much of it out of the fog, being present and making changes within myself getting better. Not saying I'm ok, prefect because I don't think that will ever be the reality for me. But being able to have my bad days, hell everyone has bad days and not being imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-75913252514226849102010-12-16T10:17:00.000-08:002010-12-16T10:44:57.666-08:00With a heavy heart....I thought things would get better, that the air would clear, that speaking up would clarify things but instead I stand with this heavy heart. I'm able to clear my mind with thoughts and not lie awake at night as they repeatedly play over and over. But the reality is that I carry this burden, this guilt as always that is slowly draining my soul. I felt dizzy as if I was floating, I knew I wasn't imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76836391784378469482010-11-30T12:22:00.000-08:002010-11-30T12:56:57.693-08:00TryingI have been trying to work on this beast within myself and at times I have felt that I have overcome the grasp that slowly pulls me down within my internal abyss of darkness. There are great days, so that I feel like I have rebounded into my life, into my old self and this flabby shell of an body isn't me but my former self is waiting to emerge out. But then I awaken in fear, trying to reach for imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-48048516822388261252010-05-17T12:24:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:20:16.396-08:00SeekingI'm jobless once again and I'm starting to feel the dull pull again. There is a definite link to how productive I feel ( bringing in income) and my mental well being. Even though logically I know I shouldn't tie my own value to money it is clearly obvious that it is interconnected and as of now I feel like crap again. I feel the rapid descend into the abyss that is my illness, the self entrapmentimworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-68425781978344614532010-04-01T14:17:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:20:59.018-08:00Tired!The MIL and the nephew has left and I have so much to do but I feel so tired I think I need another week to recuperate from the vacation! I need to work, I did a some hours but not as much as I would have liked since it requires concentration and quiet time by myself. I didn't realize how distracting it is to have my desk out in the living room and how much I really need to work in the office.imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-8595508787141533582010-03-26T15:41:00.000-07:002010-03-26T16:15:09.636-07:00Figures....It's been a long time since I wrote even though I really needed too. I guess it goes back to giving myself some time to do the things I need instead of putting it on the back burner. The positive is that I've got this depression beat, well ok except for those few days when it grabs hold of me and gives me a good shake but even then I know it isn't the same. I'm moving forward but the same imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-30547639006750417862010-01-12T15:26:00.001-08:002011-02-17T11:22:16.246-08:00Don't say it out loud!Well does it always seem like whenever you say something out loud it comes true, that you or someone else will "jinks" your luck. That whatever you comment on how well you are doing...etc. will then turn for the worst. That seems to be the case this year and it's only started. First with the hubby's car breaking down right after he and his Uncle had a conversation of how old it was and how it wasimworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-90344005449292983342010-01-08T09:33:00.000-08:002010-01-08T10:02:32.038-08:00The NeedyAlthough one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her fromimworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-28413410837297344452010-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:002010-01-05T12:30:39.474-08:002010I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76204436535130638952009-11-18T08:45:00.000-08:002009-11-18T10:37:07.547-08:00The Calm Before The StormIt seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1