Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.

Hi we need to have a talk

Hi there "Me" are you there? It's been a long time since we talked, I don't think the mental list and running away from what's deep inside constitutes talking. I know you been trying hard, well at least trying hard to run away from the pain but that too will end. Woman to woman you have to understand that this is all a part of life, you know by now as many times as you've fallen on your ass you get right up and kept going. You are a fighter and although you've got a bit more lift up now, you are still you. Sure you've strayed away from the path but that's ok that's all a part of life. We make our own paths as we go along...things change, we change and it's only natural to change. It's ok to be afraid, to be disillusioned, but you've got more than just your babies depending on you. You need you...remember how you wanted for your mother to have a life of her own, one that she could find her own happiness and meaning. You my friend are so much like her and all your fore mothers before. It's the way of womanhood but you know times have changed and you have to go with the flow. Stop fighting the tides of change and release yourself and float along with it. Let it help you along it's choppy waters, if you need to stay within the banks and feel your way until your brave enough to swim on your own.

Just as before you will reach your destiny but it's not about the end but the journey in which it takes you. After all there is no real end, only in death and even then we may have another journey in the ever after. But till you get there you need to start living again, loving again, laughing again, and enjoying life. After all weren't you always the one who saw the glass half full? Remember who you are even with all your insecurities and questions because everything will fall in place. Your life awaits you so start living once again.

Keeping Busy

I've been keeping busy this week by organizing all the closets. On Monday I only intended to clean out and reorganize the front closet, then I had to put something in my son's closet and I saw disaster! Holy shit this boy is a pack rat, keeping all the bags and packaging..WTF! Is it too hard to remove the item out of the bag/box and put it away, not stuff the shit back in a bag and throw it in the closet. It became an all day project but I did both of them and I felt so accomplished.

Yesterday the closet organizers I ordered for baby girl's room came so I installed the new organizer in her closet. But I had to first take out all the stuff that was in there (including my clothes) and then remove the standard closet. Much easier said than done, let's say I worked up a sweat taking it all out and then trying to find wall studs to install the new system. It took me 9 hours and I still wasn't finished putting everything away. I had to separate all her baby toys from stuff she uses now, I've got 3 big garbage bags full of clothes and toys. It's amazing how much shit a four year old has, and this isn't the first time I've cleaned her stuff out!

Today I finished putting all her shit away, looks damn good but it was a lot of work. I threatened her she better keep her room the way I left it (yeah right, I've had this conversation with my son and her many times before) I will be surprised if it lasts for a week. Being the resourceful woman I'am I took her old shelf and hung it my closet. It was good that I didn't have to take anything off but it was hard since I was hanging the shelf on top of the existing shelf.

I don't understand why they make such shitty closet designs, there is like 6 feet of space above the shelf. So much wasted storage, the organizer I ordered was actually too short for my closet so I will redo the office closet tomorrow. I feel accomplished however I need baskets and such to make things look neater and nicer..sounds funny you gotta buy more crap to organize the crap you already have!

I'm tired but content, the weeks gone by fast since I've been keeping busy. I was worried since on Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep and tossed and turn all night. Luckily last night I slept and I've got a feeling I will too tonight, keeping busy is good.

Happy Birthday Dad..

Even though you are gone you are not forgotten, your legacy lives on through your children, grandchildren and all those you have touched. Words cannot express the emptiness I feel that you are no longer around, I miss you more as the days go by but I try and not think of you. It's not that I don't want to think about you but I can't because I need to live my life. I don't want to hold on to the pain, the what ifs, the regrets because that would only increase the turmoil. And I know you wouldn't want that, so instead I celebrate your life with the kids trying to invoke the wonderful memories of you.

Paul remembers you the most, how could he forget he lived 9 years with you, being loved, spoiled, fed and taken care of by his "Papa"...you were his father, his male role model not just mine. He became your favorite even though he was forbidden but as you said "what guilt does a baby have because of his parents", he was your first grandchild, your first grandson, the light of your life. I remember resenting you at times when you tried to over rule my parenting, spoiling him, making him into a monster. But now I realize he was so lucky to have lived with his "Papa" to have known you, to have been loved by you unlike Sophie who cannot remember you.

"Hi Papa, I love you. I missed you...Happy birthday Papa" she said those words today at the cemetery, without prompting memorizing the words, knowing we are there to visit you and uncle. She's even said it when she has come with mom and aunt...she is so cute but more so I see her trying to remember. She asks me about how you used to hold her in your arms when she was a baby, when she was sleeping and how you would fall asleep sitting there holding her. You wouldn't put her down because you said she would wake up and and couldn't sleep. You loved her so much even if for a brief moment...you told mom how you wished you could have watched Sophie get married, mom laughed because you used to say only until at least to see Paul get married.

Your love was far greater and stronger than I realized, even though you did not express to us in words of your love your departure left us shattered. Our world came crashing down on us and we didn't know what to do. I tried to stay strong for mom, I tired to fulfill your wishes but there was so much chaos and turmoil after you left. I realize now that to ease my pain I had to focus on trying to make everything ok, I took on the burden of being you, the roles your son's did not take nor want so as your daughter I took on the role of taking care of everyone even though it wasn't welcomed. I didn't want to but I had to because mom was falling apart, how could she not be. Her only love, the man she followed to America leaving behind her family and everything she knew had been taken from her life. She could not have even imagined him having cancer let alone dying within weeks of finding out. She was like a child, looking for direction, not knowing what to make of her life, she was completely lost. But with time she is getting better, although she speaks of being with you but she is still young, she deserves to live a happy life. You know she has lived a hard life with you, she regrets none of it only that you left her so early but please give her the permission to live what time she has to the fullest. To do the things she wanted to do with you, I know you would want that for her, with all her sacrifice and devotion to you and your family that's the least you can do for her.

I'm sorry I did not visit you that much this last year but it was the only way I could go on with my life, I've been having a tough time Dad. These last few years have been painful and agonizing but I need to go on and start being mother to my kids and a wife to my husband. I need your help dad to keep things mellow, for some good things to happen to our family, your wife needs it, we all do. I love you Dad and I miss you so much, I think I will always hurt but it won't bring you back. So instead I will live my life to fullest extent, to love and raise my kids with the love and support they need to become kind, good, and successful people. To pass on to them the care and kindness you showed to your family. Thank you for loving me and never losing hope in me regardless of what I did and all the pain I caused.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you. Rest in peace.

All the voices in my head.

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight out forward, that I wouldn't be thinking about things all the time, like my husband. There is no other thoughts, what ifs or questions what he says and feels it what it is, there is no hidden meaning or doubt.

I remember having thoughts (daydreams) starting as a child, no talking to imaginary friends although I did hold many conversations all in my head with people. I would play out scenes, situations where I would be someone else or just me. It kept me occupied, I still do it sometimes but not as much. I guess it maybe a form of escaping although if people are around I would not do it only by myself.

I've thought I was crazy many times although if I was truly crazy I guess I wouldn't think I was crazy. I know I feel too much, that my moods are extreme and from it I write. The pain, guilt, sadness, and emptiness leads me to relieve the pressure that builds from within. It eases some but never really goes away. I dream of being normal or at least what I perceive to be normal, not to have such strong emotions and feelings. In many ways I have gotten better, I stopped being in dysfunctional relationships and realized pain doesn't mean love and security can be boring but being able to depend on your partner means more.

I don't have to second guess whether he is telling me the truth, that he was where he said he was, that he really loves me and his words aren't lies. I remember living my life in pain, full of drama, distrust and question. The emotions were so strong that it did not matter what I felt, but I felt so tired. I could not live my life that way, I had a child depending on me and how could I build a foundation out of lies and deceit. So I moved on, it was hardest thing I ever did leaving him but I had to for my son for me. The pain I had felt from him ripped my heart apart, I felt it ripping through my very being, it seemed surreal. All I wanted was to love him, for him to love me. I thought I could make him change, so I changed, I did more, the harder I tried the further he went away from me. It took awhile for it to snap in but it did.

He punched me in the head, again but this time was the last time. Hell my father had never hit me and there was no way I would let some stupid guy hit me...I had taken the cheating, lying, drinking, drugs and emotional abuse but not this. Somewhere deep within my pathetic shriveled up soul I found my courage and strength to leave him. I look back today its been 14 years since that day and I can not believe that was my life. I feel ashamed for being so pathetic, so pitiful to have loved someone so unworthy of my love, but more than anything I hope my children never feel that type of pain. My greatest fear for them is feeling so bad about themselves that they would not give themselves the chance and dignity to be in such a relationship to begin with. I can say if I had some self esteem, pride or love I would have never been involved with him, with any of them but I did not.

I have so much to say, I start off writing about one thing and it leads into an entire new direction of thought. I didn't start this post thinking I'd write about that part of my life but it was something that needed to be revisited. It doesn't hurt me like it used too or mean as much which I guess means I have healed.

Who I'am

It seems after 36 years I would know who "I'am" but I do not. It seems like every time I felt close to what I thought would me evolved to something I did not recognize or even like. Growing up with insecurities, low self-esteem and uncertainty seemed traits only I had, denying being an child of a immigrant parents made me this way. I remember clearly talking to the school counselor in 7Th grade about trying to kill myself.

My best friend had wrote an paper about her friend who wanted to kill herself...I was that friend so I had to go meet with the school counselor. I was nervous and scared...I don't think I actually drank that day, although at the time it's what got me through these painful years. All I remember was that she (counselor) told me she understood that my pain stemmed from my parents being immigrants....she pissed me off because this was my own self-hatred and had nothing to do with my parents (so I thought). She explained that she too was a daughter of German immigrant parents and she too knew of my pain. I felt anger and hatred for her, what did the hell did she know, she was white she could not know how much I hated being Korean. It wasn't my parents but me, my own self loathing of my small nose, almond eyes, and dark hair not my parents.

I did not understand at the point what impact it had on me and my brothers that my parents were never home. That being a immigrant from Korea did have a huge impact on what we were and who we would become. I never thought of myself as the typical smart Asian student...please I was far from it. My second older brother was smart in that he was very good in math but I did not have that gift. Nope, the only thing I enjoyed doing was reading, writing and drawing. Although I dreamed about being a dancer, singer or an actress. But maybe the Asian in me kept my future in check. It wasn't realistic besides not everyone could make it nor be successful in it. Besides it's not like I had any true talent.

My parents always encouraged us to get good grades, however they did not know how to help us, they did not give us the tools because they did not know. They were too busy trying to survive in a country that was not theirs, raising their children in a culture so different from their own all while scrapping together every cent to buy a home. In the eyes of society they succeeded, they came to the United States with not a cent to their names but accomplished the American Dream. They bought their own home without any help from public assistance. They worked hard for everything the had...they bought cars for their kids when they turned 16 even though they never went out to dinner by themselves. They sacrificed their own lives for their children and family although at the same time they were destroying themselves. It's their self sacrifice that has gave us our lives, this chance.

Looking back at my parents lives (as well as other family members) I understand they have lived their lives from a very different time, not just culturally different. They were from the old school generation who experienced the war, hunger, basic survival so unlike the experiences we faced. To say that we were just influenced by different cultural ideologies and understandings would be a stretch. They were trying to adapt to a new world, new ideas all awhile trying to keep the familiar, trying to instill the virtues and beliefs of yesterday to their children who painfully tried to fit into today.

To say I was the only one to feel the pain and self doubt would be a lie, after coming upon so many personal blogs on the web about other Korean American people, ones who had similar experiences as mine if not the sheer doubt and pain of being different, not being accepted. I realize who "I'am" today results from these experiences, the experiences of my past, of my parent's past, that we are all intertwined together. That the foundation of who we are extends from them and coming from immigrants that do not know their place in a new society it is hard to pass on confidence and ability to their children. But even so many immigrant parents do just that, they pass on roots, foundation of self through tradition those we may have fought so hard against while growing up but now embracing as adults. Some lucky ones have embraced theirs sooner but most have not understood until they too became parents.

Once we became parents we were able to feel the love, fear, pain and joy it meant to have a extension of ourselves. All the dreams and hopes we may have lost long ago were reborn with this new chance. So we slowly began to understand our parents, slowly the words that seemed so repetitive and annoying became wise and precious. We began to understand the words sometimes that seemed cruel or cold came from a warm place of love. Love for us, the love our parents showed us were neither through words or even embraces but through actions, commitment and always standing by us after pushing us down. It is their love for us that kept us going even though we thought we were so alone, they stood beside us.

I realize this now that even though I had my son at 20, not married my parents never kicked me out. They could have after all, parents do it all the time, disowning their children. I wasn't following their rules and did what I wanted but they never abandoned me...sure there were many expressions of disappointment and shame from my mom but they never lost hope in me. They continued to love me not in words or by hugs because that wasn't their way but by keeping me close, supporting me in ways I did not understand.

The parts of me I did not understand or hated became my source of strength and power. From my understanding of my past, my parents history can I face the future, my children's future.

My fears...

As I laid in the hospital bed I couldn't catch a deep breathe...I felt like I was drowning, I could actually hear the fluid in my lungs. I felt hot and clammy and so dizzy, looking at her little face mad me so scared. I felt like I was dying...I had my first full blown anxiety attack. I told him to put her back in the baby case, to take her back to the nurses, I needed to escape but how could I escape this enormous heavy body, I felt the pain rippling through my gut. Damn it hurt but I needed to get up...I was dying.

"I have fluid in my lungs, I swear I can't breathe!" as the tears streamed down my face I was trying to catch a deep breath but I couldn't. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy and said they called the doctor however they didn't even attempt to check me to see if I had any fluid in my chest. So I sat there quietly sobbing trying to breathe all while he was trying to comfort me but not knowing what to do.

It all seems so far away, like it was someone else's life not my own but since that day on she has caused me a dread and fear within my gut. I have continued to experience although not as bad as that day in the hospital but whenever I have to take her to the doctor or even the topic of her having issues with her teeth.

Baby girl had soft teeth, or lack of teeth enamel so when her baby teeth came in they were soft to the touch. I remember wiping them with a wash cloth and felt them, they were soft not like normal teeth. This started the painful and traumatizing fear she has with doctors/dentist. I feel guilt although there is nothing I could have done to prevent them. There are some speculation or even straight dismissal that soft teeth exists but it does.

The truth is in front of us.....

Finally the entertaining and family get together are over and I can take a breather. It wasn't so bad as I pictured in my warped mind but nice and fun. Even though I had budgeted for Christmas I blew the budget, I didn't want to stress over the money and decided I would just deal with it when the bills came. Besides we are already in debt and I wanted to have a less stressful Christmas...hell we can't have a budget when we got guests to entertain! But be it in the universe, star whatever it all worked it self out. I got some serious money for my birthday...all in cash so that helped, and the hubby got his bonus (rumor was there wasn't one this year) so even with property taxes, homeowners insurance and auto insurance and the holidays we did ok.

I'm relieved its all over...I'm hoping for a better year and so far it's been ok. Today we took the kids out for a hike and it was really nice to get out and sweat. I packed some sandwiches and snacks and ate on the trial, there was a water fall..small but nice. My cousin and her family joined us, I think we must have hiked like 5 miles or so, with a baby and two preschoolers so that in itself was a feat besides our asses not being in shape. I even signed up baby girl for a gymnastics class for every Tuesday for 6 weeks so I'm trying to venture out and spend time with her, besides I need to get her ready for kindergarten since we will be sending her in September. She is so ready I can tell, that's one thing I need to do and that is pay attention to her needs. I haven't done all the things I did with my son, I guess you do become more relaxed after each child. I 'm not worried though...I'm not obsessing over her learning her ABC's or 123's or any of that shit. I figure she will learn fine at school...I'm not worried.


I realized most of my anxiety and depression extends from trying to control my mom's life, well that is protecting her and shielding her even though it's not possible. I have over extended myself in trying to do everything all while neglecting my own kids and husband. Following in my parents footsteps in taking care of others instead of focusing on my own kids and my needs. Change is hard but we get to a point where we must either accept it as it is or change ourselves. It can't go on like this forever because we know that is not possible, it never is. I don't think its possible that one day it just clicks but gradually it does. We get to the point where we can't, we won't let it go on further. We've reached our breaking point and one way or another it has to change because things can't go on anymore as they have. Sure ignoring it going through the motions only last or so long...the damn is going to burst only so many attempts in patching the leaks till the damn comes crumbling down.

I've reached the breaking point and I'm working on me, I don't like what I've become but more so I don't want this to be the mom my kids remember. So I choose to live my life the way I should, the life I want to live...I want to live that way because after all we have only one life. I don't want to regret anymore, I don't want to look back and think wow i wasted all those years when I could have done the things I wanted too. So I choose to move forward and in the direction I want, not let it pull me. I'm giving myself a chance.