Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.