Grateful

I can't believe how fast this year has passed and how much has changed and yet remained the same. It's already December 7th, 34 days till my son ships off to Navy boot camp. I guess that is why the days seem to slip by so fast even though we had 6 months till January 10th. I guess it has given me time to grieve and now finally accept his choice and actually feel confident in the path he has chosen. I find it funny that as strict and controlling as I was when he was a child now that he has grown into a young man his choices are his, sure I gave him my opinion and thoughts but ultimately it is his choice to make. After all he has grown into a mature and intelligent young man who thinks for himself and has not fallen to the path of typical teenagers, as I did. I'm so proud of him and so sad as I see my baby bird is ready to fly out of the nest...wow 18 years seem so short, after all this is coming from the boy who wanted to live at home as long as he could and now he is already leaving wanting to be a man.

Even though he leaves I hope he understands this is his home forever, although one chapter has closed that does not mean he cannot return to home, his home, us. One day he will make his own family and create his own home but even then I hope he realizes he will always have us, that the doors to his childhood home are always open.


With much dismay I'm riding this roller coaster called life, with all the bad there has to be a good, so I'm trying to see the positive. My baby girl had a seizure one month ago exactly, the fact she still sleeps in our room (in her own bed) and that I have insomnia and I happened to hear her gasping for air and saw her having a seizure otherwise would have been unknown to us. She had an EEG with sleep deprivation and it came out abnormal with activity in her left temporal lobe behind her ear so she had an MRI which came out normal. The tests itself were stressful besides going through this process in which the answers so vague and unknown. She has been a trooper even doing the MRI without being sedated even though the pediatrician recommended it since it is so scary for little kids. But just with a few tears she was able to do the MRI the first time around. She has come far especially since her fear of doctors and hospitals. But I guess the fact she had been exposed to the doctors and hospital, x-rays and surgery for a broken arm in September prepared her for all this.

The positive is she is getting her fear over doctors which is a must since she has seizures, so she has a seizure disorder. Even though the neurologist didn't tell me the name for what she has I believe it is Panayiotopoulos Syndrome. She had vomited in her sleep on four different times and did not remember it was all in her sleep and her eyes were wide open looked to one direction. I hope this is what she has and that she will grow out of it. We are putting her on medication so she will not have anymore since the more seizures that occur the higher the frequency for seizures to reoccur.

At this point I'm numb otherwise I would be a wreck, I have been able to keep myself composed in front of her and I do not think about it because I can't. I'm taking it day by day, one step at a time. That is the only way to cope, to be strong, after all I'm her mother and the one who needs take care of her.

On this one month mark she is back in her own bed and I don't keep touching her to see if she is breathing or reach for her every time she moves or makes a sound. Although if she dreams I will talk to her and comfort her so she wont seize again since that is how it started last time. She was having a dream saying no, no, no and then that's when her breathing became raspy and shallow and she started shaking. The worst feeling for any parent is when their child is sick or hurt and there is nothing you can do to make them feel better. To watch her seize made me feel so helpless and so scared for her...I prayed that night, to God to my ancestors...to make her better to take away all my babies pain and hurt and to give it to me. I can take it all, just spare my babies.

So with a heavy heart but a gleam of hope I'm grateful for my children, that baby girl's brain is normal and that she will be the one that grow out of her seizures and that my son stays safe and finds the path he is seeking for.

Birthday's and failure

It's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days as the depression has left me and I'm conducting my life with a clear head. But I realized I took away from my son the one thing I wanted him to know he would always have and that is we, I would always be here for him. That he could always come home if he ever wanted to venture off, not that once he turned 18 his ass was out, not that he was a burden to me, not that he could feel safe and confident that this was his home always. So he wants to leave be on his own, so he can feel secure in that he has a place to be without feeling like if he doesn't do something he will be out on his own.

Sure we gotten into some arguments and I told him if he didn't like our rules to leave but I had no idea he really believed this. I guess the fact remains that I have failed ultimately as a parent in that I could not provided my child with the one security that I would always be here for him. Even though I told him otherwise I guess the seed has been planted and so he seems to believe this. He wants to join the military, not sure which branch yet but he is determined to be on his own and not be a burden on me anymore. I guess he will not realize maybe till he is a parent one day I will always care and worry about him no matter how old he gets, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I hope somehow he will be able to find confidence and security in me that he once had. So I wish him a happy birthday and I die inside as he really does slip away.

Four Years

It will be four years this Sunday, April 10th, my Uncle's birthday that my father passed away. In ways it seems just like yesterday and then as I look at my children I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. The pain of watching him die is forever embedded in my being so as I think about him the pain resurfaces raw and real but the one thing I'm able to do is not think about him or else I could not face each day. So yes time heals wounds in that you do not relive it every moment, and you are able to hide it beneath the daily callings of life. But the fact remains that when I think about him hot tears swell in my eyes and I feel the deep clenching pain that rises within my heart. Sometimes when I'm alone I let myself cry for him, for myself, it overcomes, over flows out of me, it amazes me how painful it is. But most days I do not think about him, this is how we move forward into our lives, not reliving the past, not regretting, not wishing things were different but move forward, to accept things as they are.

I started this the other day but it is Sunday today. I went to my mom's house at 9am yesterday morning to cook food for Chesa and we returned home around 11pm. I guess I was far more tired than I thought I was, I felt achy all over with joint pain. This morning I felt tired even though we slept in. I felt exhausted but I guess that goes from being around the family and all the unspoken drama and ill feelings that comes with family.

My mom is coming tonight so I can drive her to Korea town so she can go to the acupuncturist. My brother is supposed to drive her down since she can't drive, although it's funny how he doesn't drive her instead. But it's because she is afraid of him, to burden him, but it's ok to ask me because I will do it whiteout yelling or complaining to her. You would think she would demand that from him at the least but no she expects very little from him even though he lives with her, doesn't pay rent or any bills. Such a twisted family in ways, he is the eldest son and yet he fails miserably in every possible way and yet I the youngest daughter do all the duties for her. Besides cooking for Chesa I also bought all the food for it, the funny thing is the daughters are not considered family really and yet I 'm doing all the work. It is what it is, it has been this way and will be. The biggest stress when it comes to my mom has been her spending habits because I pay her bills. Since she hurt herself and wont get her check till her worker's compensation kicks in I had to redo her bills be cause she does not have enough money to pay her bills. It sucks to tell her not to spend but what can I do when she has no money coming in and no one to help her. I wish I could help her but the reality is we aren't in great shape either. And she needs to learn how to live within her means, not to be generous when she cannot be. I do not understand why Korean people are so into saving face, etc. it would be one thing is she had money and was selfish etc but she is the opposite. She has little and yet she loves to give but there is no way she will be able to live. Besides I still need to figure out what to do about her house, whether to sell it because in 3 years she will need to either sell it or refinance it. But refinancing may not be an option since she will not be making enough whiteout a co-signer. If she sells it she could live with us and live off the interest from her house but then there is my Aunt and my brother. Once he came back it made things more complicated that they were. The top will come up sooner than later but unfortunately I will have to be the one to lay everything out again. I won't think about it anymore tonight, nope not tonight.

Life

I guess besides having my bad days I have defeated the "fog" for the time being. More or less I feel more like myself, not perfect far from it but I do not have the over whelming feeling of dread and defeat. I feel ok and life is good in so many ways and I'm finally able to see since the fog has dissipated!

My mom fractured her fibula and sprained her ankle while going into work last week. But instead of feeling so worried and over come with stress after the initial news I become logical and methodical. It took a few days not to let the anxiety and what ifs to over come me. Instead I didn't over think things and focused on the present. Focusing on what is happening today and not the past or wishing I had done or said something differently only made me miserable. Being stressed about things I have no control over including people. I feel so relieved and happy that emotionally, mentally I'm healing. I'm at peace and content even though life isn't perfect I'm ok.

The Calm after the storm

Right after my latest rant fest/melt down things have looked brighter. For one the next day son comes home with a bouquet of flowers and tells me how he appreciates me and loves me. The same morning I'm not yelling for baby girl to hurry up and eat, no arguments or break downs (mine) and homework after school is a breeze. She gets it, no complaining, no whining. And the crazy part is that I should be PMSing like a lunatic right now. I mean full blown anxiety, rage of hormones but nothing.

I'm not sure if part of it has to do with my diet, well I have been eating seaweed soup every day for the last two weeks. Not for every meal but at least twice a day and eating whatever else I want. I first started with just eating a soup diet but I got turned off by the first few days, so I figured why not go to having Korean seaweed soup. It really good for you and it wouldn't hurt after all this is what I had for every meal after the birth of my kids. So maybe since it's high in calcium it helping? I don't know but the fact my mind/emotions are not out of control gives me some hope that either I'm finally becoming my old self or its just sick twisted joke to make me realize how much I miss being normal! Either way I guess I better enjoy while it last.

Mothering, failure at its worst.

No matter how I try I fail at being a good mother. At this moment I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. Even though I finished school it's not like I did my best, far from it. It seems like my entire life I have not succeed in doing anything worth while and worst of all I'am a failure at being a parent, a mother. I don't want to blame how I was parented or mothered because after all I'm an adult and it falls back to me. I feel guilty and horrible because I wish I never became a mother. I fear I'm damaging my kids and how I raise them will impact them for the rest of their lives and their children's lives. It seems at this point no matter what I try to do I fail miserably.

I still have not even applied for work, I look at the listings daily and see many possibilities yet my self doubt keeps from me even sending out my resume. There is no weight lose, I actually weigh more than when this school year started, it seems no matter what I do it is not enough. I'm spread out so thin and there is nothing left of me to give, I feel transparent and empty, I have felt this way for a long time. I'm tired, exhausted as I try to will up enough strength and gusto every day trying to be positive, to be a good mother. It's the same battles the same things that do not seem to change no matter how hard I work on them. And worst of all I feel unappreciated and what I do has no bearing on my families life. I guess the point of it was when my son keeps telling me that's too bad it's your life, you chose your life, you had kids and so you suffer. I guess that is what gets me the most is how heartless and cold he is, I always thought he was a compassionate child but as he has gotten older he seems to have no patience for others faults and only seem them as weakness. It scares me in that he has become a selfish person who only cares about his own needs and no one elses. I try to reassure myself it's the teenager in him but I also see alot of his biological donor in him.
Yes I hate my life but more so I hate myself for following what others tell me to do instead of following what I really wanted to do in my life. I hate that I'm a people pleaser, that I have no identity in who I'm, that I have no self love or even respect to listen to what my soul needs. I'm ashamed that I have no self confidence at 38, that I'm more at loss today than when I was as a teenager. This is the ugly pathetic truth that I'm no better today than I was 20 years ago.

Being Grateful Even When You're Not

I have to keep reminding myself of all the things I do have and not dwell on the things I do not. As I try to stay afloat I have to admit I get tired of just paddling and staying afloat but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to stop paddling and let myself sink to the bottom. But then who am'I kidding there is no way that would ever happen...even as I curse and fight the entire way I would never just give up and go. "Perseverance" that's what my Calworks worker told me, that I had perseverance...I guess that's one thing I should be grateful for.

Ok

Well all is ok even with my melt down although in many ways they are actually tamer in ways and just going with it instead of fighting it seemed to make it pass without too much destruction. I'm feeling fine actually besides have some body aches which could be related to all the illness that is running rampant at the kids schools or maybe just arthritis due from the damp weather, either way I stayed home yesterday. Well that is I kept baby girl home with me and we snuggled and watched movies all day. She has had a slight cough for the past two months not sure if its a cold or allergies but gave her plenty of soup to congest her. She was actually bored and wanted to go to school...go figure I actually have a child that loves school! It was a great day of relaxing and spending time with her and I do believe that is why I woke up in a better mood today.

I'm feeling tired still and stiff in my joints but mood wise I'm ok. Even though there is a lot on my mind I have been able to separate it all with out it consuming me. So much to do yet I haven't started on it yet, still the procrastinator. I actually haven't wrote anything for the last few days even though I always have thoughts running in my head, things to do, things I regret, things I want change, stuff I have to do, what to make for dinner, etc. Constant things but I have also been able to quiet my mind when I need too.

I also realized I have some writings on here I haven't published, many are incomplete but things I had been going through. I think I will publish them after I spell check them since I'm a horrible speller but as is, incomplete and unfinished.

Parenting

Baby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my commitment of hour of reading, cleaning, helping with the art projects and then making copies for the 6 first grade classes. So I'm over done, baked, burnt, toasted just so over it. I still have to bake cookies for their Valentine's Day party on Monday besides helping them with the party. Usually I'm not such a grump but quite chirpy and so agreeable as I say yes to everything that is asked of me as what else would I be doing since I'm not working a real job.

I feel useless and the job I'm doing as a parent I seem to be failing rapidly. My son doesn't want to college as he seeks to remind me of every opportunity he has. The sad part is he is really a smart kid, not that just cause he is my kid..hell More like the opposite but he says he hates school...yadda yadda and it isn't for him and he doesn't know what he wants to do. In reality I really do listen to what he has to say maybe too much because I try to work with him. Instead of going straight to a four year college he was going to a community college and transfer but then he wanted to take a year off to travel and just the other night how he isn't made for school. So what does a mother do..he tells me he hates school..shit I hated school..but he doesn't get most people who go hate it but it's about jumping through the hoops, staying with something, finishing the commitment. Although as this point I really want to jump this ship on I'm on called parenting. I tell him I understand but he is the typical teenager who only sees what he wants right now and doesn't get the future is way different than what he thinks of it now. So what do you tell a kid who thinks he has life all figured out..sometimes I think I should have gone with the old school of parenting of not listening to your kids or talking to them but just telling them what to do without any back talk!

Parenting really sucks and I want out!

In circles

As much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the hills, the beach, on a one way plane just outta here from my life. So I regress and complain and whine about how pitiful and lame my life is, how the daily drudgery that is my life sucks out all the hope I may have. No matter how much joy and enthusiasm I try to muster up each day it is all sucked out by what is the living parasites I call my children and my mother. Yes I do love them but the reality is I have to solve every one's problems, find something that is missing (even though its right in front of their eyes), to bake the weekly bread, to bake my mom's bread, to volunteer in class, to stay after and help, to make dinner, to pay the bills, to get our papers as well as my mom's to file taxes, to look in the ad's to find sales for groceries, to stock up on the necessities (even those I don't eat), to find ways to keep the house running, to pick up and put away things otherwise our home could be featured on hoarders. So I muster up enough energy to stay positive, in the present, to stay afloat in this chess pool that is my life. Yeah I'm bitchy and negative and most likely PMSing out but I guess it's better to rant and rave here than at my children. Gawd my life sucks....yeah I know it doesn't but for these few hours it does. (Sigh)I'm off to conquer my next goal...dinner.

Being Present

It seems so obvious and simple that it is completely missed and over looked. That being in the present and not looking forward or back is the key to contentment. I realize being present in the right now is so difficult for me to do. My mind is usually occupied with things in the past or looking into the future when today passes me by and I wonder where it went. This has been my life for the past 6 years, always regret for one thing or another, always envying other people's lives, wanting what I think they have, not appreciating what I have, not being present in my life, finding excuses for why I do not. So it stops now, I know what is good for me and I know when I'm falling into the pit of darkness. Instead of falling I need to reach out and grab hold of the supports that are within my reach. I need to grab with my hands and pull myself out, instead of watching myself sink within the fog. It's time I fought instead of going down passively. So I live in the present, being aware of the right now and when my emotions and mind float away call it out for what it is and not go away with it. Iam not my emotions or thoughts, they are only a reaction to my fears and doubts, not the person Iam.

The Year of Change

So I 've made up my mind to change, ok so it's been a long time coming but this year,2011 I will really make the steps to work on all the things that I need to change, to improve, to grow, to hopefully better myself. So 2011 has already started and it's officially January 18th today I start.

I will write every day on paper, not just here but use a pen or pencil on paper regardless of what it is. This means it can be a sentence but most likely more because I've also included that I need to write two words a day because I'm a terrible speller and this means getting the definition and maybe even the synonym too and of course spell it correctly! My change will have to do with our finances in which means i will get a job, to be conscious (yes this one os my two words today!) of how we spend and of what I eat, do and say. Yes to live in the moment, today not yesterday or tomorrow but today, the here and now.

This also means I will lose weight and maintain it, meaning so I can fit into my old clothes which relates to I will not purchase any clothes at all this year. I will either have to fit into what I have or to fix it so it will fit. This also goes for buying stuff we need to "stock" up on since we only have 5 cans left not the 15 we usually have in the pantry. I have to admit when it comes to food we are hoarders...well not like the crazy ones on tv but to the point we are well stocked on certain pantry items. So instead of buying things cause we ran low I will be consciously shopping only on things we need now. I really let the finances go to hell last year, I was tired of shopping for deals and coupons. It felt good not to worry about the budget although in the back of my mind I was worried. But I did learn to not listen to that inner voice.

In ways not listening to the inner voice has been good in ways although in otters not so. So I guess

Grateful

Sometimes it's hard to feel grateful and positive when dealing with a 17 year old and a 6 year old. I try to remind myself how it could be worst but sometimes it's hard to believe since I gave up my life for them.

Puff puff

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in the back. The sick part was they were for my dad...well for him when we visited his plot, as a way of showing respect. I know very sick and distorted since that is what killed him but I guess in tradition you are to take the things that the person enjoyed in their life. I stopped going to see him because I guess I really don't think he is there.

I guess it's timely since tomorrow is his birthday, January 13 and I have to go to my mom's house to cook food for Chesa. I don't know if it's that or just my standard crazy ass PMS but I feel so crappy this week. Although walking makes me feel so much better but that fades quickly after a few hours. But the desire for that cigarette is there. Although I don't want the initial puff in which I become light headed and get a headache..that sucks but the so called relief I get from sucking in the smoke which feels like it's relaxing me in reality it is but it's really killing me. I want that sensation, I know it's false but it's a craving that's been there for the last few months. I picture myself going to the store to buy a pack so I can have my emergency death stick. But even if I was to do so the first few cigarettes would only make me feel nauseous and sick...to feel the satisfaction wouldn't come until my body fully becomes acclimated to the death vapors. So instead I'm writing about it. (Sigh)

Thought

To be categorized, labeled, grouped, clustered, classed, named, slotted and defined we are a part of society, to others even to our self. In the ways of man we label everything in our world, and if there is not a label we seek one out to define it to shove it in what believe it to be fitting. However we change and reassign because "new" things have been discovered when in reality we never knew all there was to know. This is how we define our lives, trying to fit into a certain group, a subset of beliefs we believe to be ours or ones we think we may want. But in reality we are not stagnant, we change constantly, we age, our thoughts and opinions and beliefs change. Yet we see ourselves in this distorted way of what we were groomed to be seen as ideal even though we do not really believe it. As we grow older we start regretting the past, the choicest we've made or our reactions to things in our past but more than anything we regret hating ourselves for reasons so shallow and distorted.

As much insight as we think we have about our past younger selves we still abuse ourselves for who we are today. Not enjoying who we are today but trying to be thinner, healthier, richer, more successful, and maybe even kinder because we can never be satisfied with what we are today because we are constantly looking backward or forward not in the present. We do not like ourselves in the present even though we swear we are wiser than we were yesterday and surly 10 years ago but in fact we don't want to see who we are today. The lines that do not go away after we smile, the dark sun spots that are scattered around our face and body, the grey hairs that seem to double nightly. The gut that hangs over, the rolls that lay on the back and the jiggle that keeps wiggling long after we've sat down.

2011

2010 came and went in a flash...I know time goes by faster as we age but wow this year really went by fast. On the positive note I went through much of it out of the fog, being present and making changes within myself getting better. Not saying I'm ok, prefect because I don't think that will ever be the reality for me. But being able to have my bad days, hell everyone has bad days and not being consumed by the fog. Even though for a bit there I felt over come with dread and the depression dragged my ass back into the abyss but this time I came up rather quickly into the surface. I say this fearing I'm only jinxing myself that admitting this, writing it down will most definitely cause the depression to embrace me once again. But I know I'll be ok even if I'm dragged under because I can see it coming now and I can accept it for what it is.

Acceptance who knew that would be the key, it's mater of fighting ourselves, denying what is there, things that are ugly about ourselves and others, Expecting perfection and godliness in ourselves and others, not being able to forgive and let go of the past, to move forward and leave our baggage behind. It's funny how psychologist are often ridiculed and made fun of with their belief in that most of our problems stem from childhood, that the things we experienced and learned are the root of our problems and psychosis as adults. Even though I was a psychology major I didn't believe that either. Because I felt like that as adults we are free to choose, to make decisions on our own, but now looking at my self I realize so many of my fears and anxieties extend from my experiences as a child. That my fears, disappointments, self doubt/hate come from that innocent child that learned how to cope and deal with life, to survive. Having my own children those fears surface in many forms, they battle within my mind through my emotions.

In so many ways I'm better than I was a year ago but there is yet so much to learn and grow. I know I speak about having to change but that seems harsh and forceful when in reality I'm not a stagnant being but one that grows (physically and mentally)and evolves. As long as I'm open and willing to learn the changes can take place on their own. So my resolutions for this New Year are to be patient with my children and self, to find inner peace and quiet all the noise, to live in the present and enjoy what I have, find a job and be a better wife. And of course exercise but that fits in with the inner peace.