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It's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days as the depression has left me and I'm conducting my life with a clear head. But I realized I took away from my son the one thing I wanted him to know he would always have and that is we, I would always be here for him. That he could always come home if he ever wanted to venture off, not that once he turned 18 his ass was out, not that he was a burden to me, not that he could feel safe and confident that this was his home always. So he wants to leave be on his own, so he can feel secure in that he has a place to be without feeling like if he doesn't do something he will be out on his own.
Sure we gotten into some arguments and I told him if he didn't like our rules to leave but I had no idea he really believed this. I guess the fact remains that I have failed ultimately as a parent in that I could not provided my child with the one security that I would always be here for him. Even though I told him otherwise I guess the seed has been planted and so he seems to believe this. He wants to join the military, not sure which branch yet but he is determined to be on his own and not be a burden on me anymore. I guess he will not realize maybe till he is a parent one day I will always care and worry about him no matter how old he gets, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I hope somehow he will be able to find confidence and security in me that he once had. So I wish him a happy birthday and I die inside as he really does slip away.
Umma
1 year ago
3 comments:
I'm sorry to read that you are both hurting so much. I won't tell you that things aren't as bad as they seem. I will tell you that every parent reaches a point with their children when they have to tell them exactly what you told your son. My moment came just over 2 years ago, shortly before my daughter turned 17. She verbally and emotionally attacked me because she didn't like something I had considered doing (she just heard me say that I had decided against it). I was clearly upset and she was old enough to understand that it was not a good time to challenge me, yet at one point she yelled, "Don't I get a say in what goes on here?" to which I answered, "As a matter of fact, no, you don't!" (I had never said that to her because I never wanted to sound like an unreasonable parent who just doesn't understand). That is when she started screaming, crying and stomping through the house (yes, daughters do this, even the sane ones) about how terrible I was. I honestly could not take it and yelled at her to "Get the @#$% out of my house!" I'm not proud of it, but it's life. I never thought I'd do that. I had almost always put her before me, but what we as young parents don't realize is that our babies become people and oftentimes become the most difficult people in our lives.
She left for a couple of weeks and went to stay with her father. I visited her at work one night a week after she left and she opened up to me about school, work, etc. in a way she hadn't done in a very long time. She was calm, relaxed, and seemed more mature. She had gone too far with me, pushed me too my limit even before that night, and she learned something from it. I welcome her opinions but not when she's irrational. She has learned to control herself and mostly keeps her thoughts to herself (which is good for her because she tends to get very upset and loses a bit of control--which is why she ended up at her dad's that time).
I think it's OK to modify how we approach our children regarding our unconditional love for them. Giving them a safe place to live does not entitle them to disregard us. They have to follow the rules we've laid out; as young children we'd punish them for breaking the rules, but the punishment would fit their levels of maturity. A young child may only need 5 minutes in timeout but that doesn't work for teens. Young children are sent to their rooms when they don't follow the rules because they can't survive without us. As teens, they have the basic tools to survive so we give them the option to follow along or live elsewhere (besides, sending them to their rooms just gives them more time to sleep LOL).
I figure one of two things will happen with your son. He'll grow up and learn to take complete care of himself (the military will see to that too), or he'll realize that he's not ready for such responsibilities and come back home ready to do what you and your husband tell him.
As for the kind of parent you were during his first 18 years, just apologize to him (maybe when things calm down) and let him know how you feel. He'll either feel better that you're owning up to your shortcomings or he'll tell you that you weren't as bad as you think you are. I've done that with my daughter over the past few years because I DID make some terrible mistakes, things I am too ashamed to admit even on a semi-anonymous blog. However, even with these mistakes (not abusive although I did used to yell a LOT--I had PTSD for over 20 years and didn't know it), she has had a pretty good childhood and is a well-adjusted young adult. I'm certain she has some issues she'll have to work through at some point because of some of the stuff I put her through (but really, what parent doesn't pass along some bad stuff?), but I've told her many times that I will be there in any way she needs me to be when and if that time comes. Who knows, maybe the fact that I've owned up to these things to her so many times will be enough for her to be able to let them go.
I really feel for you and hope you are able to work through this, both within yourself and with your son. The best parents always think they are the worst and the worst parents always think they are the best. Regardless of what you've done, I can tell you are a member of the former.
Please don't think you've failed, if you have provided for your son everything that he has ever truly needed for so long he knows he can count on you always :) we teenagers are stubborn and young and we want to be independent but never think we will leave those who love us and took care of us, behind.
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