Wednesday, December 7, 2011


I can't believe how fast this year has passed and how much has changed and yet remained the same. It's already December 7th, 34 days till my son ships off to Navy boot camp. I guess that is why the days seem to slip by so fast even though we had 6 months till January 10th. I guess it has given me time to grieve and now finally accept his choice and actually feel confident in the path he has chosen. I find it funny that as strict and controlling as I was when he was a child now that he has grown into a young man his choices are his, sure I gave him my opinion and thoughts but ultimately it is his choice to make. After all he has grown into a mature and intelligent young man who thinks for himself and has not fallen to the path of typical teenagers, as I did. I'm so proud of him and so sad as I see my baby bird is ready to fly out of the 18 years seem so short, after all this is coming from the boy who wanted to live at home as long as he could and now he is already leaving wanting to be a man.

Even though he leaves I hope he understands this is his home forever, although one chapter has closed that does not mean he cannot return to home, his home, us. One day he will make his own family and create his own home but even then I hope he realizes he will always have us, that the doors to his childhood home are always open.

With much dismay I'm riding this roller coaster called life, with all the bad there has to be a good, so I'm trying to see the positive. My baby girl had a seizure one month ago exactly, the fact she still sleeps in our room (in her own bed) and that I have insomnia and I happened to hear her gasping for air and saw her having a seizure otherwise would have been unknown to us. She had an EEG with sleep deprivation and it came out abnormal with activity in her left temporal lobe behind her ear so she had an MRI which came out normal. The tests itself were stressful besides going through this process in which the answers so vague and unknown. She has been a trooper even doing the MRI without being sedated even though the pediatrician recommended it since it is so scary for little kids. But just with a few tears she was able to do the MRI the first time around. She has come far especially since her fear of doctors and hospitals. But I guess the fact she had been exposed to the doctors and hospital, x-rays and surgery for a broken arm in September prepared her for all this.

The positive is she is getting her fear over doctors which is a must since she has seizures, so she has a seizure disorder. Even though the neurologist didn't tell me the name for what she has I believe it is Panayiotopoulos Syndrome. She had vomited in her sleep on four different times and did not remember it was all in her sleep and her eyes were wide open looked to one direction. I hope this is what she has and that she will grow out of it. We are putting her on medication so she will not have anymore since the more seizures that occur the higher the frequency for seizures to reoccur.

At this point I'm numb otherwise I would be a wreck, I have been able to keep myself composed in front of her and I do not think about it because I can't. I'm taking it day by day, one step at a time. That is the only way to cope, to be strong, after all I'm her mother and the one who needs take care of her.

On this one month mark she is back in her own bed and I don't keep touching her to see if she is breathing or reach for her every time she moves or makes a sound. Although if she dreams I will talk to her and comfort her so she wont seize again since that is how it started last time. She was having a dream saying no, no, no and then that's when her breathing became raspy and shallow and she started shaking. The worst feeling for any parent is when their child is sick or hurt and there is nothing you can do to make them feel better. To watch her seize made me feel so helpless and so scared for her...I prayed that night, to God to my make her better to take away all my babies pain and hurt and to give it to me. I can take it all, just spare my babies.

So with a heavy heart but a gleam of hope I'm grateful for my children, that baby girl's brain is normal and that she will be the one that grow out of her seizures and that my son stays safe and finds the path he is seeking for.

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