Four Years

It will be four years this Sunday, April 10th, my Uncle's birthday that my father passed away. In ways it seems just like yesterday and then as I look at my children I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. The pain of watching him die is forever embedded in my being so as I think about him the pain resurfaces raw and real but the one thing I'm able to do is not think about him or else I could not face each day. So yes time heals wounds in that you do not relive it every moment, and you are able to hide it beneath the daily callings of life. But the fact remains that when I think about him hot tears swell in my eyes and I feel the deep clenching pain that rises within my heart. Sometimes when I'm alone I let myself cry for him, for myself, it overcomes, over flows out of me, it amazes me how painful it is. But most days I do not think about him, this is how we move forward into our lives, not reliving the past, not regretting, not wishing things were different but move forward, to accept things as they are.

I started this the other day but it is Sunday today. I went to my mom's house at 9am yesterday morning to cook food for Chesa and we returned home around 11pm. I guess I was far more tired than I thought I was, I felt achy all over with joint pain. This morning I felt tired even though we slept in. I felt exhausted but I guess that goes from being around the family and all the unspoken drama and ill feelings that comes with family.

My mom is coming tonight so I can drive her to Korea town so she can go to the acupuncturist. My brother is supposed to drive her down since she can't drive, although it's funny how he doesn't drive her instead. But it's because she is afraid of him, to burden him, but it's ok to ask me because I will do it whiteout yelling or complaining to her. You would think she would demand that from him at the least but no she expects very little from him even though he lives with her, doesn't pay rent or any bills. Such a twisted family in ways, he is the eldest son and yet he fails miserably in every possible way and yet I the youngest daughter do all the duties for her. Besides cooking for Chesa I also bought all the food for it, the funny thing is the daughters are not considered family really and yet I 'm doing all the work. It is what it is, it has been this way and will be. The biggest stress when it comes to my mom has been her spending habits because I pay her bills. Since she hurt herself and wont get her check till her worker's compensation kicks in I had to redo her bills be cause she does not have enough money to pay her bills. It sucks to tell her not to spend but what can I do when she has no money coming in and no one to help her. I wish I could help her but the reality is we aren't in great shape either. And she needs to learn how to live within her means, not to be generous when she cannot be. I do not understand why Korean people are so into saving face, etc. it would be one thing is she had money and was selfish etc but she is the opposite. She has little and yet she loves to give but there is no way she will be able to live. Besides I still need to figure out what to do about her house, whether to sell it because in 3 years she will need to either sell it or refinance it. But refinancing may not be an option since she will not be making enough whiteout a co-signer. If she sells it she could live with us and live off the interest from her house but then there is my Aunt and my brother. Once he came back it made things more complicated that they were. The top will come up sooner than later but unfortunately I will have to be the one to lay everything out again. I won't think about it anymore tonight, nope not tonight.