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I guess besides having my bad days I have defeated the "fog" for the time being. More or less I feel more like myself, not perfect far from it but I do not have the over whelming feeling of dread and defeat. I feel ok and life is good in so many ways and I'm finally able to see since the fog has dissipated!
My mom fractured her fibula and sprained her ankle while going into work last week. But instead of feeling so worried and over come with stress after the initial news I become logical and methodical. It took a few days not to let the anxiety and what ifs to over come me. Instead I didn't over think things and focused on the present. Focusing on what is happening today and not the past or wishing I had done or said something differently only made me miserable. Being stressed about things I have no control over including people. I feel so relieved and happy that emotionally, mentally I'm healing. I'm at peace and content even though life isn't perfect I'm ok.
Umma
1 year ago
4 comments:
I am so happy for you. What you wrote is something I've been actively working on for the past few months. Last year was a terrible year, and it was literally one thing on top of another that was sitting next to something else LOL. I can laugh a bit now but it was really awful. the thing is, I'm still here and most of those problems are fixed and gone. Life will never be calmer, although some times it's calmer than others. I think that's the definition of life--work, chaos, disappointment, tragedy, and so on. No one is immune, not Paris Hilton or Donald Trump, not priests, doctors, gurus, no one. Maybe the test is how we generally handle all of this. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.
One more thing--a few years ago my mother fractured her tibia and fibula and couldn't walk for months. It was one of the most difficult things for me to go through (4 months of caring for a woman who didn't care about me). I sincerely hope that it goes better for you. You are starting out very well with your positive outlook, so more power to ya! :-D
Thank you for your kind words and insights. It's always amazing how we can connect with others online by our writings because in many ways we are alike more than we know.
I'm happy in that I'm able to control my emotions, not falling apart as I had been in the last several years. But being able to express myself in the right context.
Everything I have read on your blog is osmething I have felt or struggled with, and I love your title "Working from the Inside Out." For the first time in my life I'm focusing on what's inside of me instead of the influences from outside of me. I've lived my life like I'm the ball in a pinball machine, just bouncing off the criticisms of one person after another. I guess now I'm rying to be the wind under my own kite (sorry, best I could come up with lol) ready to go where I want and get there the way I want.
I follow two blogs by women with very specific challenges but I feel connected to both. I've read a couple other blogs (that I don't follow) and I see the same themes: we're all overworked, underrewarded, and dying inside. Interestingly though, we are all very different. You list yourself as a Korean-American, so that must be significant. You probably have certain cultural challenges that are unique to you. I had PTSD for 20 years which led to overeating and weight gain. Another blogger overspends to feel better about her life. Yet there is a commonality among us, a sad one. Is it that we are women? I believe it is. The demands, expectations and limitations on us culminate in so much internal negativity, and why wouldn't it? We get countless messages that we aren't good enough, that we must work selflessly day and night while looking perfect and raising intelligent creative, well-behaved children. I'm not trying to pit men against women, but what is expected of us is very different and generally people are less forgiving of our shortcomings than of men's.
Would love to know what you think about this, and if you ever have thought about it.
Stay strong Sister!! :-) LL
hope your mom feels better soon. yikes.
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