Puff puff

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in the back. The sick part was they were for my dad...well for him when we visited his plot, as a way of showing respect. I know very sick and distorted since that is what killed him but I guess in tradition you are to take the things that the person enjoyed in their life. I stopped going to see him because I guess I really don't think he is there.

I guess it's timely since tomorrow is his birthday, January 13 and I have to go to my mom's house to cook food for Chesa. I don't know if it's that or just my standard crazy ass PMS but I feel so crappy this week. Although walking makes me feel so much better but that fades quickly after a few hours. But the desire for that cigarette is there. Although I don't want the initial puff in which I become light headed and get a headache..that sucks but the so called relief I get from sucking in the smoke which feels like it's relaxing me in reality it is but it's really killing me. I want that sensation, I know it's false but it's a craving that's been there for the last few months. I picture myself going to the store to buy a pack so I can have my emergency death stick. But even if I was to do so the first few cigarettes would only make me feel nauseous and sick...to feel the satisfaction wouldn't come until my body fully becomes acclimated to the death vapors. So instead I'm writing about it. (Sigh)