2011

2010 came and went in a flash...I know time goes by faster as we age but wow this year really went by fast. On the positive note I went through much of it out of the fog, being present and making changes within myself getting better. Not saying I'm ok, prefect because I don't think that will ever be the reality for me. But being able to have my bad days, hell everyone has bad days and not being consumed by the fog. Even though for a bit there I felt over come with dread and the depression dragged my ass back into the abyss but this time I came up rather quickly into the surface. I say this fearing I'm only jinxing myself that admitting this, writing it down will most definitely cause the depression to embrace me once again. But I know I'll be ok even if I'm dragged under because I can see it coming now and I can accept it for what it is.

Acceptance who knew that would be the key, it's mater of fighting ourselves, denying what is there, things that are ugly about ourselves and others, Expecting perfection and godliness in ourselves and others, not being able to forgive and let go of the past, to move forward and leave our baggage behind. It's funny how psychologist are often ridiculed and made fun of with their belief in that most of our problems stem from childhood, that the things we experienced and learned are the root of our problems and psychosis as adults. Even though I was a psychology major I didn't believe that either. Because I felt like that as adults we are free to choose, to make decisions on our own, but now looking at my self I realize so many of my fears and anxieties extend from my experiences as a child. That my fears, disappointments, self doubt/hate come from that innocent child that learned how to cope and deal with life, to survive. Having my own children those fears surface in many forms, they battle within my mind through my emotions.

In so many ways I'm better than I was a year ago but there is yet so much to learn and grow. I know I speak about having to change but that seems harsh and forceful when in reality I'm not a stagnant being but one that grows (physically and mentally)and evolves. As long as I'm open and willing to learn the changes can take place on their own. So my resolutions for this New Year are to be patient with my children and self, to find inner peace and quiet all the noise, to live in the present and enjoy what I have, find a job and be a better wife. And of course exercise but that fits in with the inner peace.