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Finally the entertaining and family get together are over and I can take a breather. It wasn't so bad as I pictured in my warped mind but nice and fun. Even though I had budgeted for Christmas I blew the budget, I didn't want to stress over the money and decided I would just deal with it when the bills came. Besides we are already in debt and I wanted to have a less stressful Christmas...hell we can't have a budget when we got guests to entertain! But be it in the universe, star whatever it all worked it self out. I got some serious money for my birthday...all in cash so that helped, and the hubby got his bonus (rumor was there wasn't one this year) so even with property taxes, homeowners insurance and auto insurance and the holidays we did ok.
I'm relieved its all over...I'm hoping for a better year and so far it's been ok. Today we took the kids out for a hike and it was really nice to get out and sweat. I packed some sandwiches and snacks and ate on the trial, there was a water fall..small but nice. My cousin and her family joined us, I think we must have hiked like 5 miles or so, with a baby and two preschoolers so that in itself was a feat besides our asses not being in shape. I even signed up baby girl for a gymnastics class for every Tuesday for 6 weeks so I'm trying to venture out and spend time with her, besides I need to get her ready for kindergarten since we will be sending her in September. She is so ready I can tell, that's one thing I need to do and that is pay attention to her needs. I haven't done all the things I did with my son, I guess you do become more relaxed after each child. I 'm not worried though...I'm not obsessing over her learning her ABC's or 123's or any of that shit. I figure she will learn fine at school...I'm not worried.
I realized most of my anxiety and depression extends from trying to control my mom's life, well that is protecting her and shielding her even though it's not possible. I have over extended myself in trying to do everything all while neglecting my own kids and husband. Following in my parents footsteps in taking care of others instead of focusing on my own kids and my needs. Change is hard but we get to a point where we must either accept it as it is or change ourselves. It can't go on like this forever because we know that is not possible, it never is. I don't think its possible that one day it just clicks but gradually it does. We get to the point where we can't, we won't let it go on further. We've reached our breaking point and one way or another it has to change because things can't go on anymore as they have. Sure ignoring it going through the motions only last or so long...the damn is going to burst only so many attempts in patching the leaks till the damn comes crumbling down.
I've reached the breaking point and I'm working on me, I don't like what I've become but more so I don't want this to be the mom my kids remember. So I choose to live my life the way I should, the life I want to live...I want to live that way because after all we have only one life. I don't want to regret anymore, I don't want to look back and think wow i wasted all those years when I could have done the things I wanted too. So I choose to move forward and in the direction I want, not let it pull me. I'm giving myself a chance.
Umma
1 year ago
3 comments:
Your hike sounds wonderful. And gymnastics class for your daughter will be fun. They are so cute at that age! I'm so excited for kindergarten for her! Some alone time for you will be so great:)
Of course you know I totally relate to everything youre going through. I just got a bunch of referrals for counseling for my daughter relating to her anxiety. I have a feeling it is directly related to my own depression. Kids are so aware of our state of being and a healthy us makes for healthy children, and unfortunately the same goes for unhealthy too. Taking care of ourselves is important not just for us but for our kids too.
Wow, I sense some peace in your writing and this is so wonderful. This was a great post - I've come to realize that I need to stop being so damn negative and depressed and be there wholly for my kids. Shit, the other day, Duk asked me why I'm so grumpy and why I want to leave the family (I said to the hubby I wanted to leave the family to have a vacation of my own, not to leave forever). Ugh.
I guess it's the natural process of mourning...I realized within less than a year and a half I had married, bought a house, father-in-law passed away, mother-in-law moved in with us, had a baby and mother-in-law moved out. So all that changed would have caused some sort of depression even without having postpartum depression. Then to top it of we bought a new house, sold ours, moved, quit my job, got even more depressed and father died, then uncle died. All within a 5 year span...I guess anyone would be depressed after all that. I guess in ways it makes me feel better cause I did/do have reasons to be crazy..that it's a natural process. And that I'm hopefully at the end of it...at rock bottom you can only go up, although it's a uphill walk. Thank you Kia and Maplekimchi for joining me in this walk and being so kind and understanding.
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