My babies

Just sitting here in the quiet since baby girl has fallen asleep since she seems to be a bit under the weather. Otherwise she would still be up, I know she should be in bed early but since she doesn't go to school I've kept it mellow. Besides the first 18 months of her life she was on a schedule, feeding at 430am cause we had to commute hour to work, so she deserves some late mornings before school starts. I love it when she sleeps, her little face, the way she breathes and the peacefulness of it all.

I actually miss the days when I used to breastfeed her and she would look up into my face with adoration and love. And no matter how painful and sore my bloody nipples were I could not deny her my milk. There truly is no way to express the closeness and bond a woman feels while nursing her babies. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all so sweet and lovely but tiring, hard and painful. The plugged up ducts, the piercing of the nipples to dislodge them...yes it hurt like hell yet I remember just numbing myself to go on, besides being incredibly exhausted. I remember falling asleep myself while feeding her in my lap (good old boppy saved my life) and feeling so empty and starved in the morning after feeding her all night. How I loved and wanted so much to give her my milk, even though I couldn't see her for three days, I had a emergency C-section after 19 hours of being in labor and her lung collapsed and had to be put in NICU.

I was so determined to breastfeed her I remember trying to pump my milk, putting it in tiny cup feeding into her mouth. The frustration and pain of trying to get her to latch correctly wasn't bad enough but I also swelled up coming home 10 pds heavier from the hospital after delivery! I'm one of those people whoa re bad with anesthesia, instead of peeing out all the damn IV fluid I retained it all. It was scary luckily after first week I actually lost 30 pounds, mostly fluid. My mom gave me some squash juice because it was supposed to help the swelling go down besides the traditional seaweed soup diet for mother's who've just given birth. No wonder Korean women lose the weight so fast they only eat soup and rice! Besides I remember having no appetite what so ever, everything tasted like card board. This also happened with my son although I gave birth to him naturally but I swelled up like a balloon with him but not as much.

Sadly my two pregnancies were far apart and so different. One so pained and resented the second wanted yet pained. During both of my pregnancies I lost people I loved, first was my grandmother and second was my father in law. I know they say it always evens out a life lost and life gained but it sucks. I never had any grandfather's growing up and that will be the way for my kids. My son was lucky in that he got to spend time with my dad the most, he was also my dad's favorite grand child. I know I used to feel angry and mad while raising my son in my parent's home. They spoiled him, the tried to over ride me whenever I tried disciplining him, it was hell but now I'm glad I did live with them. There is the bad and ugly but I think there is way more good, good for my son besides my parents. I'm glad he knew my dad...his"papa" cause he will have to share memories with his little sister. Even though she seems to have some memories of him and tells him.."hi papa, I love you papa, bye papa" when we go to the cemetery I know those memories will fade since she was way too young.

I miss my dad....it still hurts, I try not to think about him but when I do it still hurts, I hurt..I miss you Apa, so much.