...sleepless in southern california

Well it's 1:22am and I'm awake not by insomnia but by a 4 year old old. She is currently in the office with her father who is playing WOW(world of war craft). She went to sleep quickly after she was read two stories by daddy but woke up 30 min ago. I tried to comfort her and told her to go back to sleep, for I was barely starting to fall alseep myself, however she couldn't do it. Tossing, turning, and whimpering looking for daddy all while laying on my arm.

Yes she still sleeps with us, that may be the reason of my insanity. The reason I have no real identity but only know as "mommy"is this but "mommy" swore to herself to be more patient and understanding but I'am not. So I find myself here typing into a bright blaring screen in the pitch dark. I can hear his voice, her voice...I can not comfort her cause she wants daddy as of right now I can't, I don't want to comfort her.

A part of me feels bad the hubby isn't getting to enjoy his time, did I mention he is a computer nerd. Before we met his time was spent either at work on a computer or at home on a computer playing Everquest. His addiction to gaming has stopped since we've married and had baby girl. However he gets his one night of game time when baby girl and I sleep. Ok she sleeps and I lay awake watching late night tv, reality shows. I give him this after all it is his vice, addiction, hobby, source of pleasure. So begrudgingly I "allow" his time after all even with only 3-4 hours of sleep he comes with me to my moms to work.

I'm jealous, angry even...why? Because he gets to spend the day away from her, me and has conversation and interactions with others while I spend my days watching Dora and trying to entertain a four year old. I don't get a break, she follows/stalks me to the bathroom, it's like Big Brother watching me all the time although this is Little Sister.

How I yearn for the days of sleep without a sore, stiff arm while laying completely flat on my back. Not really sleeping because I'm always covering her up,-she kicks off her blankets, has moved too close to the edge of the bed, is flipped upside down. In ways I haven't sleep comfortably since the day she was born, my mom told me mother's never sleep and she wasn't kidding.

I'm tired and angry and I don't want to be. Have I been too selfless, foolish, a damn martyr? Suffering because I have created my own prison of giving every ounce of my self, only to be left with an empty, angry shell? Who but I , am to blame...I have sacrificed myself in the name of motherhood only to be angry and bitter. No one has asked me to do these things but I do them and then feel angry, tired, taken advantage of where I have no one to blame but myself.

I can't even point the finger to my mother because this is my duty as mother, to suffer but I'am an adult and I have a choice. But do I.....I wish I could say I know what is right and wrong, that I live my life this way but I do not. As I grow older what used to be so clear and obvious, good or evil, black or white has turned grey. Several different shades of grey and so complicated.

I hate being this way, I hate feeling so unsatisfied and unfulfilled with motherhood, I hate that I do not know who I'am. I wish I could run away sometimes, I can understand how a woman can leave her family, just disappear one day and never come back. I do fantasize about leaving everything behind, traveling the world. Living my dream, not being afraid of being me. To stop suffering in silence but to let myself be me. But this is the family that I created, this is mine, my love, my tears, my time, my anger, and yes my sacrifices of being a mother.