2010

I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In ways I guess the catalyst was when my father died and my own realization of what I did not want to become. I did not want to become my mooter or aunt living for everyone else and then feeling hurt and angry when they realized no one else lived for them. I don't want to become a martyr nor do I want to sacrifice my kids and husband for the approval of others. These are the things my parents did to us, to themselves and it has not gotten them anywhere. Sure it is good to be kind and giving but not to the point where it hurts your own needs.

My mom has come along way in that the mourning for my father is over and now she is angry maybe even bitter thinking back into their lives...of all that she gave and how little she received from him. I know this to be true even though I love my father he was a a horrible husband...I guess maybe just maybe she hoped he was finally going to treat her right in their golden years but now that he is gone leaving behind his older sister for my mom to take care of she is angry. She tries to remember the good times but they are far and few in between, it is bitter sweet to watch her think back to the love of her life in which she realizes she has lived for a man in vain. She has not received much from him but heartache, stress, and yes three children. But even that is mostly her doing not hers.

When I think about my father I think of him as in terms of our relationship but not in terms of how he treated my mom....I can't because I will resent him for the husband he wasn't to her. It makes me grateful for my husband, how different he is from my father, how he doesn't demand to be right all the time because he is the man, how he is gentle and loving to me, how I'm his number concern even before the kids. He gives the the complete love and adoration everyone woman should receive from their husbands. The kind my mother deserved from my father. But I won't cry from spilled milk...their relationship is what it is and it give me insight in what I don't want in mine for what I don't want in my life.

So with that for this New Year I have my list of changes and needs to be accomplished.

First I need to start working again...for financial reasons and for own self worth.
Second I need to re-establish my relationships (family and friends)
Third I need to work on me (physical and mental)

Even though it's only three areas there is much work and time needed. I haven't written much since I have been busy with entertaining and visiting for the holidays. It was a bit too much but I will make sure not to over extend myself and the family next year so it can be a enjoyable and not spent running from place to place.


I have been terrible in that I haven't been to the cemetery to visit my dad or uncle but as I told my mom I didn't feel like he is there. She believes the body and spirit is one while I think the body is a vessel and the soul leaves the body. But I do feel the need to visit him...it will be his birthday Jan. 13th...wow it will be three years since he died this April. I miss him but I do not think of him daily...I can't I need to move forward.

Here is to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!