Simple

I tend on to hold onto things from the past, dreaming of the future and not live in present. It' saddens me because I realize I do not like today, I'm always waiting for tomorrow to happen, when I believe things will get better. Before I know it times has past and I don't remember living it because I haven't. I have let hours, days, years slip past my fingers trying to be something else, to improve, to be better. But I only see the shadow of my former self, the hopes, dreams and energy of youth are far gone. Physically I have changed wrinkles, aged, gained weight, I lack the luster and hope of youth. .I'am weathered and beaten far before my years. I do not recognize this person I’ am, if it weren't for the pictures of my former self I would find it hard to believe I was ever young, hopeful or bright.

But I do not hate myself as I did in my former years, I accept who I'm although now I wonder if acceptance is better. I do not know whether just by the extremes I had lived in my younger years I have aged so or have I lost all ability to hope and dream. I'm only 35 going on 36 years but I feel like I'm in my sixties, I feel much older than I'm supposed to be. I do not like this new self, the shell that is although I do not wish to go back to the recklessness of my yester years.

They say youth is wasted on the young but with age I notice we become bitter, scarred from our battles, the enthusiasm of youth, the novelty far gone. I don't know if I would trade all the knowledge in the world because with this we lose our wonder, delight and awe of the simpler things in life. Things become more complicated, nothing is right or wrong, there are always different perspectives and view points, nothing is black and white, good or evil but all different shades of grey.

I miss the simpler times, I wish for the desire and fire to be within myself but all that is left are ashes. Cold and grey, it is empty.