I never really feared death growing up, actually eagerly awaiting it. As I became a teenager I tried killing my self many times, I felt so much pain all I wanted was peace, not to feel the pain but sleep forever and never wake up. Part of the drinking was to numb myself, to give myself courage to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes wonder if this depression thing is really a chemical imbalance or just self-hatred. It amazes me that even now as a woman who is almost 36 I still lack the self confidence and belief in myself. I feel scared and unable, I feel so small and insignificant but worst I know i shouldn't feel this way but I do.

I know rationally that I should not feel this way but I cannot stop feeling this way. I feel numb, not in pain but I do not feel any joy either. My life is just that, not the worst, nor the best, it is stagnant. I read other people's blog and they are living their lives, their dreams, they have a focus, a hobby, something that brings them joy, their children bring them joy. I do not feel this way, I want to but I don't. I love my children and know they are precious but as of lately I'm tired, I wish to sleep, to get away from it all. I'm tired of worrying about the bills, the happiness and well being of others...I'm tired of taking care of others, I have not taken care of myself, I have lost what little self I had found, it is completely gone. I'm so far gone that I have nothing left to care about others...all the things that used to bring me joy does not.

I do not want to seek company of others, I do not want to entertain others in my home but that is in the plans. I will have guests for Thanksgiving and Christmas, hosting both events at my home. Before I never thought it as a chore or burden but now I feel overwhelmed and I'm dreading it. I don't feel like socializing, worrying about how clean the house will be, stocking up on food, thinking about what to cook...I don't know what has happened to me but all of that makes me feel anxious not joyful. The worst part is it is my husband's family so I must entertain them as well as making sure they are comfortable and well fed. No hiding out in my room. I know I suck...I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Everything feels like a burden to me.

I'm a burden to myself...I want to escape...a drink isn't going to help this time.