Trapped

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so bad why did she feel this way, why couldn’t she lift herself from this. She had always struggled in the past, regardless of how bad things got she was able to push herself through. Now looking back she didn’t know how she did it but she did, after all she came this far. Now she was stuck, unable to free herself because she did not know what it was that held her. Whatever strength she may have held before was drained, empty and gone….so far gone now. It shouldn’t be this way but it was.

Looking back it would seem there was no such thing as bleakness or resentment but it became very clear to her she felt it. It wasn’t to anyone but for her self, her lack of drive, passion and joy. There was no one to blame and so she accepted it however it didn’t make things better. That’s all she wanted, to feel ok. Yet she wasn’t able to hold on that feeling, yes she did feel ok even great some days but then as soon as it came it left but worse left her lifeless, bleak, numb. It hurt her in ways she was unable to explain, she didn’t want to feel this way but she had no control over it, just like everything else in her life. But one would think one could control their feeling, emotions but hers was so far from that…it was easier to control other people’s emotions and feelings. She always felt good because she could make others feel better, even though she wasn’t able to make herself feel ok she was able to make others feel good…that made her feel ok. But that now slipped far away too after all she was alone at home with her baby. It didn’t make sense why she felt so trapped.