Self

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face!


So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...just rolls and more rolls. So I'm disgusted to the point of what will I do...something has to be done...drastically. OK maybe if i had enough balls to get a knife and cut them off I would..but ok back to reality not going to happen. So I wish I could magically go to sleep and wake up voila I'm thin again. This is a bad horrendous nightmare and I'm normal again. It's not wanting to be thin but normal...my normal. Where I can fit into my regular clothes...no I'm not wanting the hard body of a 20 yr old but the old me.

But I'm so afraid she is gone...like forever and this is the real me. Large, lumpy and so unhappy. How I wish for the day when I thought being 127 pds was heavy..that I'd work out to get in shape...that seems sooo long ago..something so unattainable. I have no control and I accept it..I haven't been in control forever. But I'm tired of this foreign body...I feel like I'm wearing one of those fat suits...and that underneath is the old me. I never thought I would ever get this big...I would freak out even when I was a little heavier than my normal weight..hiding in larger clothes...so what happens when the large clothes stop fitting me. What happens when medium is my normal size. But I'm not a medium anything...I'm a large 5'2 petite woman although large and petite seem like a oxymoron...like jumbo shrimp. Shit I found my word..I'm a jumbo shrimp.....ok I made myself laugh because it's funny as hell as pathetic as it all sounds and is.

Yeah, yeah fat ass drop the fork and go for a run..stop your bitching and get a grip...it's your freaking life and make it happen. But you know what it can't and it hasn't. I have become another statistic..the over weight American. Yes one of the fat pigs that super size everything and complain about everything. Do I need an ass kicking...yes I do. I need to stop the bitching and get into motion...literally and psychologically. I've been in this mental rut for too long.


I'am really tired of my fat, depressed, bitchy self! I need to get my shit together now before I ruin what's really right in my life.