Sleep

I haven't been able to sleep, well less than usual but this time because my mind has been "on". You know the constant thoughts and ideas that go on in your head even when you want to turn it off to sleep. But no sleep just more ideas and thoughts..I can hear the rusty gears slowly cranking in motion, evidently the little bit of reading I accomplished has set the gears in motion. Good grief what did I start? I mean it's good I'm using my mind a bit more but I need sleep, ok I haven't had good restful sleep in awhile but sleep neverless. So last night I fell asleep at a decent hour 1145, but I woke up from a dream and I couldn't get back to sleep.

I had so many things I wanted to write about, but today nothing..blah..my mind is a black hole. All that kept me awake has slipped into the dark pit and I have no recollection of what kept me awake all night! Old age, brain fart, or motherhood, not cool. I thought maybe if I wrote it all down I would be able to sleep tonight, maybe I need to get up and write it all down while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Reading

I used to love reading spending days enamoured with a book until I consumed the last pages. I could not have enough because it let me escape, to live another life, to feel, experience in some one elses life escaping my own. It has been years since I have read with such fervor and relish as I did as a child, but I long to hold that enchantment and escape. I miss the connection however abstract with the books I read. I miss it all, to widen my world even though I'm chained into my own reality. The escape I have needed I have sought in books, as before. I started reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, for some reason I had never read this book but heard of it so often I found it online. I finished it half an hour ago and even though it did not enrapture me as other books it gave me thought and reflection. I led me away from my own dreary life to another time, another life, to step outside of my own pitiful complaints and boredom. I finished the book in two days, reading, devouring the book with such hunger for I had been famished for mental intellect.

The greatest joys I 've had were of learning of things new and different, school brought time joy although the testing always turned me off the learning always lite a fire of curiosity and pleasure for me. It is refreshing to know that I'm still enlightened and fulfilled by my mind, I feel refreshed and curious to learn, I feel a little light has shinned into my deep dark cave leading me to the light I so desperately sought. I feel hope, and I'm not completely lost..the insanity has either completely taken over or the fog has lifted for today. Regardless I feel a bit more of my old self, I need to challenge my mind and seek out my yearning of learning new things.

Wooohoooo OBAMA is President!!!

I just want to say "Yes and in your face McCain/Palin!!!" I'm so joyful, elated and humbled by this moment in American history. Finally America has stepped into the 21'st century as a nation of equality and freedom. I feel proud to be an American at this moment, I just hope that prop 8 fails and California's realized that it was about taking away people's rights, not destroying family.

Listening to McCain's speech right now, how lame of his people to boo when he said Obama's name, but I guess not surprised. I feel sorry for him but we needed change, we needed Obama!

I never really feared death growing up, actually eagerly awaiting it. As I became a teenager I tried killing my self many times, I felt so much pain all I wanted was peace, not to feel the pain but sleep forever and never wake up. Part of the drinking was to numb myself, to give myself courage to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes wonder if this depression thing is really a chemical imbalance or just self-hatred. It amazes me that even now as a woman who is almost 36 I still lack the self confidence and belief in myself. I feel scared and unable, I feel so small and insignificant but worst I know i shouldn't feel this way but I do.

I know rationally that I should not feel this way but I cannot stop feeling this way. I feel numb, not in pain but I do not feel any joy either. My life is just that, not the worst, nor the best, it is stagnant. I read other people's blog and they are living their lives, their dreams, they have a focus, a hobby, something that brings them joy, their children bring them joy. I do not feel this way, I want to but I don't. I love my children and know they are precious but as of lately I'm tired, I wish to sleep, to get away from it all. I'm tired of worrying about the bills, the happiness and well being of others...I'm tired of taking care of others, I have not taken care of myself, I have lost what little self I had found, it is completely gone. I'm so far gone that I have nothing left to care about others...all the things that used to bring me joy does not.

I do not want to seek company of others, I do not want to entertain others in my home but that is in the plans. I will have guests for Thanksgiving and Christmas, hosting both events at my home. Before I never thought it as a chore or burden but now I feel overwhelmed and I'm dreading it. I don't feel like socializing, worrying about how clean the house will be, stocking up on food, thinking about what to cook...I don't know what has happened to me but all of that makes me feel anxious not joyful. The worst part is it is my husband's family so I must entertain them as well as making sure they are comfortable and well fed. No hiding out in my room. I know I suck...I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Everything feels like a burden to me.

I'm a burden to myself...I want to escape...a drink isn't going to help this time.

All in a day

It's past one Saturday morning and I'm barely winding down from day (Friday). Trick or treating was a success, gave away all the candy, we had alot of kids(at least 50+) and I got some baking done too. We made pizza for dinner so I had to make up some pizza dough, while I was in the mood I had make a double batch of chocolate ship cookies ( i freeze half of batter) and some sugar cookies. I found this awesome recipe at allrecipes.com. This sugar cookie rocked, so soft and crisp at the same time. I even ended up decorating it using a icing recipe at allrecipes, this one included using corn syrup with the milk.

I don't know if this recipe is just fool proof or I'm just better at baking now but the cookie turned out awesome, a definite keeper. It helps to read the comments by users cause they offer great suggestions and changes, that way you can make the cookies with all the suggestions. I personally added like 1/4 cup more of sugar and another tsp. of vanilla and I used the parchment paper to roll out the dough and cut out the shapes. I had it in the fridge for about 5 hours before I used it and it was so easy to use. I didn't need to add flour or sugar to keep it from sticking. I actually had my nieces help me cut out the shapes however they had to go home before I baked them. So they missed out on the best part, decorations (going to drop off some cookies to them later today).

However I had another eager group of helpers to fill in, my cousin, her son, my baby girl, and hubby decorated the cookies. Filling the whole cookie with color makes it look much prettier, although I did make some goofy looking cookies. It was fun although my feet hurt from standing most of the day. I barely finished up cleaning up all the mess, crumbs, dishes and cookie sheets at around midnight.

Then I finished imputing a few bills I received today, caught up on some blogs and now winding down for some sleep. Heading to mom's tomorrow to hopefully install the bath tub and get some more work done on the house. Hopefully the bath tub is in stock at The Home Depot, they didn't have it in stock last week. Although it did take better half of Saturday to take out the old tub and we were able to work on moving the light over and patch up the wall. Ok, hubby worked on it and I felt lazy and unmotivated, again!

Stupid pms jacked me up, having pre cramps even though it hasn't started yet. Figures I feel bloated and crampy even before the fact...lamn really hate it...good side I'm not super crazy yet and drinking the beer last night was great. I felt relaxed and got a slight buzz on, god it had been such a long time and luckily it hit the spot. I really needed it, my back/shoulder pain even disappeared for a bit. They say its healthy to have a drink now and then, maybe I will start having one a few times a week.

Samuel Adams

What I'm drinking now....Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat...damn that's good. Cold crisp, a light taste of cherry first and finished with wheat. Why did I wait so long???

Pmsing, biatchy me....

It's about that time again, well err that "time" too but dinner I mean. So the hubby should be here within 45 min. but here I'am blogging instead of cooking the bacon. It maybe cause it's almost that "time of the month" again or maybe because it's totally grey and over cast today. I've had a total headache, kinda foggy although felt much better after my hot shower. My shoulder/back really ached besides everything else but that helped the headache for a bit. Maybe its the dry weather, sinus pressure...this weather has been crazy from hot to cold one to another. Regardless it sucks...I'm tired, out of it and I don't want to cook dinner. I have plenty of meal ideas and ingredients but I totally suck right now and don't want to do jack.

Excuse:
Maybe I was put into this foul mood last night by a obnoxious teenager and a annoying old woman. They really know how to push my button besides I'm totally pmsing and feel moody as shit. I ended up crying cause I was so mad, it wasn't even a big deal but it's really never about anything is it. Just a bunch of pent up emotions, with exhaustion and no me time equals crazy sobbing. Yep a cigarette, a beer, some soulful music and a good cry sounds just about right.

On a positive note(didn't think it was possible) I did start on my Christmas shopping today, via online of course and actually got 8 people off the list! And I stayed on budget too...double woohoo....not. See I know I'm in the craps....great tomorrow evening will be a night of non stop door bell and trick or treat. Well at least I'm prepared...candy check, pumpkins carved check, costumes check...gotta get that beer now. No really I think I deserve a drink, or I can always run away from home.

Truth: I'm just a crazy biatchy mom....

Silence...

"Silence" no little voice saying "oma this, oma that"..."oma, oma" well it lasted for half an hour as the three ajunmas did their drive by( drop of food to a friend). How nice a peaceful it was for a brief moment, but back to reality. "Oma, oma where are you? Did you miss me? I missed you so much!" Half an hour is an eternity to a four year old...oye.

Sunday

Well it's Sunday and I don't have much to write about, no inspiration, no ranting, anger, sadness, etc. The baby girl is sleeping and the hubby left for home around 8pm after another weekend of work. Update on baking chocolate mousse cake was a success, although not as pretty as I wanted it to be but everyone loved it. I decided to cut the cake into heart shapes with the cookie cutter, it was a good idea although they use forms for a reason. The mousse on my small heart cakes were oozing out the side and the cake was slipping of the top. So I thought I''d stick a toothpick on the top to hold it in place, well good ideas aren't always so good in practice. Lets just say the cake were in lays, like steps. But the mousse was good, so soft, creamy, fluffy and chocolaty.

Speaking of food I did prefect my hoddeuk recipe. I used the one from My Korean Kitchen but I tweaked it for my mother who thought using glutinous rice powder would make it taste better. I originally started off just using flour however while researching it online I found another from Kitchenwench and tried doing the rice powder. It was unanimous the hubby, kids, and my cousins preferred the flour one better. The rice powder one was too sticky and did not have the fluffy airiness of the flour batch nor the flavor, it was bland. So the next time I used my original recipe and used half flour and half rice powder. It turned out better but still seemed to sticky and no airy enough for me. Well last weekend when I was at mom's I set out another try at it but this time I used only half a cup rice powder to two cups flour and it turned out so good. It had the fluffiness, airiness and also a bit of the sticky factor, just a bit though. It was perfect!

This morning I fixed up the dough (doubled) so it would be ready by the time my mom got home from work. She loves the starchy stuff, breads, deuk..etc. It's the prefect sweet snack on a cool day, I guess that's when they street ajunmas sell them in the fall/winter. I never had one till I made my own so I really have no real reference to compare it to however all those who have tried them say it's just as good if not better. My Aunt even requested I make some for her bible study group tomorrow for 7 ajunmas including the pastors wife. So I guess that's a good sign, I notice once I keep making something it just gets easier and easier to turn out.

I remember the first time I started baking again I was so careful to measure the ingredients but now it's so easy. It's true one you bake enough you get to know the feel and sight of a dough, batter..etc. It just gets easier, your hands do get hand memory and know what something needs to feel like. I can roll out a perfect pizza dough now, you would think it was bought.

Wow I guess writing about nothing led me to write about food. Ok now I just have to get into the habit of taking pictures, the camera is there like 6 feet away but I don't do it. Not a habit yet, guess gotta make it one.

To do list

It's Friday again and I haven't had the chance/motivation to write. So I write out my to do list today:



1. Laundry

2. Pick up living room

3. Clean kitchen

4. Clean bathroom

5. Vacuum entire house

6. Bake hubby chocolate mousse cake

7. Water plants, indoors and out



So far that's it, not very exciting but all stuff that needs to be done. The most dreaded the chocolate mousse cake. For some unknown crazy reason I asked the hubby want he and the son wanted to eat, I was looking at the Tastspotting and was inspired to cook them something yummy and I wanted to show him my appreciation of all the work he's been doing at my mom's house. I was thinking more in terms of food but the hubby requested chocolate mousse cake. Huh? What I asked him over, chocolate mousse cake...not some big hunk of meat (son asked for a juicy steak)? Nope he wanted chocolate mousse cake, he has bit of a sweet tooth and I guess the last time he had it was when his mom baked it for him. Hmmm well I love to bake/cook but this is a new one never made mousse cake before. I looked up recipes seemed pretty simple enough although not so sure about the raw egg whites. It's been like over a week since I asked and I guess I really should make it for him, but the raw eggs kinda turned me off...heck I even went and bought whipping cream for it, I had all the other ingredients.

So I guess I will start and bake the cake and then make the mousse, it needs time to set in the fridge anyways. But first I need to eat my rice and kimchee/kongjaejong chigae. Yep my house is a bit stinky but I can't wait to gobble down that goodness! The kongjaejong was made by my mother last weekend (my mom rocks, she knows how to make so many Korean dishes) she made it from scratch, cooking the soy beans, fermenting it, pounding and seasoning it by hand. I also have a huge jar of kimchee and even kakdogee( dakon radish kimchee) in my fridge made from the week before. So had a mad craving for kimchee and the stinky bean paste with lots and lots of tofu (dueboo). It's almost about ready and stinking up my entire house but who cares. My daughter loves Korean food unlike my son.

She loves to eat rice, ducc, kimchee, anything Korean. Even though its spicy she will power it down and then drink lots of juice/water, say spicy spicy and then just eat the rice. It's so cute cause she knew what I was making. She says, "what are you making oma?" I say nothing, she says "I know you are making kimchee!" She's been calling me oma more lately than mommy, probably cause we have been at my mom's every week. Plus side she has picked up on more Korean and understands and speaks to the old ladies. Too cute!

Back to food, kimchee chigae has to be the most comforting, homey food to a Korean person...like mac and cheese and stew. Man I love it, the comforting feeling, the spiciness but also the feeling of "sheanaw" feeling you get from sipping the hot bubbly soup! It warms you up and tastes so good, the salty, to tangy, to spicy..although the flavors mingling. Ok gotta go eat now, but I will start on the cake after I eat.