Blogging fool

I'm doing it, keeping up with the daily writing although I do notice I start off with a certain topic and then I ramble on and on. I guess I've got a lot to say and no one to say it too. One thing I do notice is that when I just write and then publish I end up with a mess. I understand the reason behind editing however part of me doesn't not want this to be a class in critical writing. I want the freedom to express myself regardless of how incoherent or disorganized it may be. Although I do want to make some sense but than if I need to rant and rave then be it I will. After all that was the reason why I started this.

I'm trying to make it visually appealing as well and even promised to post some pictures, after all I know I enjoy reading posts with pictures. I'm becoming more aware of other bloggers and know of at least one who follows my blog so I find myself wanting to please my sole reader. :) Yep its the "krajee korean mom" in me wanting to please others. But at the same time it's actually is a good thing, why? Because it makes me responsible because I need to answer to someone else besides myself while making a connection. I guess it goes back to meeting others needs before mine, but this also makes me feel happy. Helping, giving to others give me the greatest joy...my dream job would be a philanthropist to give money to others. Second for sure is a food critic, one that travels the world and tastes different foods. Yep in my perfect world I would be a traveling food tasting philanthropist.

Yep another simple task that has turned into a psycho-social analyzes...hmmm took too many psych and soc. classes. But hey I was trying to figure out why I was crazy although I never did find the answer after all I knew it all along. I'm not crazy cause real crazy people don't think they are crazy. Hmmm doesn't make me feel better. :)

Black widows.....

At home right now, just spoke with the pest control guy about the annoying black widows. Since we moved here we've noticed a slight pest problem...ok really annoying and scary pest problem. I'm all about the circle of life and shit but having black widows all around my house is not ok. We waited to get them sprayed/exterminated but I've noticed even with finishing our backyard (no longer a dessert oasis festering with crickets, ants and spiders) they black widows remain. Till we moved here I have never seen a real life black widow but now I'm an expert. I'm also a victim of a spider bite...not sure if it was black widow but it was nasty because it caused a abscess a big as a half dollar and at least half inch deep. It was on my left side, at first it looked like a little red spot, didn't hurt. Week later the red spot grew, then it started to hurt and get hard. Of course during this time I didn't have health insurance either since I quit my job. I also noticed two little red marks, like bit marks. So I decided after much pain maybe I need to go to the doctor, looked up a urgent care place and went in. Well $240 later he told me it was a spider bite, I thought it was a "bug bite" and told me I needed to have it cut out, removed but he didn't do that there. He gave me antibiotics and gave me some advise since I didn't have health insurance. He advise me to put a hot cloth soaked in Epsom salt on the spot until it brought up the pus.
So I went home armed with my Epsom salt and towel and compressed my bite. It was painful and hard because I was still breastfeeding. But I managed to bring up the pus within a few days, but now what? It looked like a giant zit with white pus ready to pop. I didn't know what to do so I went and made an appointment at my old place of employment (medical clinic).

I was a side show, they never saw anything like it before, the P.A. who saw me said I needed have it removed like at the ER or somewhere, she was afraid to do it so close to my stomach. Luckily one of the doctors I knew saw me and came to say hello and said she could do it. Yep she squeezed this shit...yep it hurt but it was hurting already due to the swelling and shit. It was nasty, it looked like a giant zit, exploding with green and yellowish goop. She squeezed as much as she could and told me to keep squeezing it at home, to get all the stuff out. But to make sure to keep it covered and cleaned or else I would have a serious infection, I also got more antibiotics, turns out the other stuff was the wrong kind. Well after it was all said and done I had a huge gaping hole on my stomach, I saw another doctor at my old work and he told me I needed a skin graft most likely since the hole was so big. But he said we could try to put some patches on it first covered with gauze. He gave me some patches and instructions to keep it cleaned and to change it daily. Well it healed, the big round circle is now a bumpy 1 1/2 inch scare but it healed without a skin graft my my arse.:)

Well back to the spraying, it was all done within 15 min and $140 later, got a 60 day warranty so that's good. Hopefully those nasty buggers are gone, I don't mind other spiders just not the kind that can cause damage or even death.

Weekend is over

It's Sunday night and the hubby and son went back home while me and baby girl are still at my mom's house. We finished sanding (ok hubby finished) , fixed plumbing for the sink, painted on the primer and laid out the tile. It looks really good if I say so myself, especially since its a first for us. I just need to paint the door, buy door hinges, then paint the room on Tuesday since it takes 24 hours for the tile to set and then grout it. Next week we will need to put in the vanity, mirror, and cabinet, reinstall the shower, and install the moldings. I can't wait for it to be done, because having everything ripped apart and in disarray stresses me out. If it was my house I wouldn't be as stressed but since its my mom's it makes me uneasy. So now I feel relief since the walls are primed and the floor is done, well clean that is.

Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight since I got some physical activity today, but it's hard to sleep on this crappy old bed. Even if it was a nice new bed it's hard for me to sleep anywhere besides my own house and bed. Even then sleep invades me, I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep like when I was younger but it seems harder and harder to fall and stay asleep. I have insomnia but I don't want to take any thing for it, I don't like to take any kinds of medicines. I'm one of those people who get the crappy side affects, if any are possible I get it so I tend not to take anything unless I have too. I only take claritin because I have allergies other wise I would not be taking that either.

I feel tired but can I can tell I'm getting PMSsy, I always get bloated, crampy, bitchy, irritable and just plain crazy when these damn eggs fall. I can actually feel which side they fall from because it hurts. When I was younger I never had these issues, seems like since I'm getting older I'm falling apart and feeling crappier by the day. I hate PMS, it sucks, I suck when I get this way...so far I'm not there yet but when I get to that point I need to keep super busy or else I will snap. I guess part of all this craziness I keeping on top if it, knowing when and what triggers me is my best defense. I guess that is also why I don't want to take any meds for the depression because even though part of it is biological/chemical another component is how I react to it. I know what the symptoms so I need to be proactive and take care of myself before I flip out. Self control, discipline, self awareness and action are required during these times. I need to be ok for my family but more so for myself.

Writing in this blog has helped since I've been keeping up it now and also having my new blog friend. It's nice to have someone who doesn't know me yet we seem to have so much in common. I guess that is what drove me to start this blog in the first place. After reading all those other blogs I realized I wasn't the only one who felt crazy, sad, tired or really mad at their kids. Made me feel human, part of a group, something I never really felt before. I love reading blogs, although I admit I can get carried away and that's all I do. It's addicting if it's a honest perspective, those are my favorite, ones that aren't censored or edited so they don't seem controversial or unpleasant or raw. But those are the best I think, straight out forward, frank and simply put.

To poop or not to poop......

It's drizzling outside, definitely not a good hard rain, just the kind that leaves your car looking like shit. My ass is totally unmotivated, I should be helping my husband sand the walls but instead I'm surfing the Internet. I'm constipated, yep plugged up and feeling like crap...yep feeling it not taking one. I go from having days of shits to being totally blocked up...I actually prefer the runs, at least I feel light and good. Only time you realize how important it is to be regular is when you aren't.

Nothing really compares to the lightness and flow of relief from taking a good dump. Really as disgusting and uncouth as it maybe to talk about it, its only natural and it sure feels damn good when it happens. When I'm stressed my body shows it by giving me the runs or plugging me up, a few years back my doctor told me I had IBS. I noticed it got alot better once I stopped drinking (weekend binges) but its been years since I did that. It's from stress I know, like all the bumps and rash that is all over my body right now. The body definitely will let it out whether you actually do something about it or not.

I've always been irregular ever since childhood, first from fear of having tape worm when I was 5 or so. I remember to this day of the worms coming out of my butt, not a pleasant thing especially as a child. I didn't understand it all but thought any time I would poop there would be worms so I held it in, I thought it was normal to poop like every 7 days or so, I didn't realize your supposed to poop at least once a day. Well it didn't help once I hit high school I started dieting, not eating food, taking laxatives to poop. I couldn't force myself to throw up so instead I took laxatives right after I ate. Correctal was my friend, hell I even drank mineral oil, I read somewhere it helped to poop so I would drink it, it wasn't baby oil but might as well have been without the fragrance. Besides drinking I would slather it all over my body to cook in the sun. Wow what dumb ass I used to be...."youth is wasted on the young" definitely is true. It's amazing how when we were young we were so set on destroying ourselves.

Every time I try to post something on the lighter side I go completely nuts and get deep..ok caught my self so gonna end it at this...I need to take a nice shawdoobee soon!

Food.....mmmm soo good!

I started this post a few days ago but didn't complete it, got distracted by the kids. Well came back to do my daily post (I have decided no matter what the topic or how long or short I will do one post a day) after reading my new favorite food blog...TasteSpotting (thanks Kia for the link). Man I love all the pictures, they look so good...I realized I've been looking at it for the last hour and half, unfortunately I haven't seen any Korean recipes yet but I still have many more pages to view.

My love for food and made me realize I need to pay closer attention to how my mom makes kimchi and all her other Korean recipes. Luckily this weekend we will be making some kimchi since its been over a 6 months since she made the last batch. When I say we will make some I don't mean a few heads of cabbage but 4 crates, yes crates of it! Scary I know but this woman does not know how to do little, if we are to have 15 people she will cook for 200! She has "big hand" as they say in Korean..one of the qualities I inherited from her.

We usually go to K-Town in L.A. but she found out from my Aunt ( jawgouen oma) that she can get it straight from the fields in Santa Maria. That's how she got it last time so she asked her to buy 4 crates this time (it's a good thing cause I just washed out my last kimchi jar last week) :)
So this time I will actually write it down, especially since it's not something I will be making monthly.

It's funny how as adults we go back to loving foods we may have not liked so much as children, although I always loved kimchi jigae, especially the very ripe one. I love kimchi when its freshly made and when it gets ripe..the middle stage kinda sucks. Mmmm makes me hungry thinking about it! Good thing I'm at mom's cause she made me some awesome kimchi out of baby bok choy...oh my gosh do damn good and tender! Hmm I gotta start taking pictures and post them too. Change in topic but I do have a pretty nice camera the hubby got me two Christmas or so ago. Because I was interested in taking pictures however with my mental state I haven't utilized my toy. So promise to myself to start taking some pics and start posting.
Besides pictures make things look much more interesting to read. Presentation just like food.

Other day post.....
Did I mention I love to eat? I love good food, from fancy smancy stuff to just good old bowl of rice with kimchi jigae. For the past 11 months or so I've been baking bread at home, from scratch besides some help from my sunbeam bread maker that mixes and kneads the dough for me. To date I think I have gone through at least 200pds of flour because besides baking bread for sandwiches I've made pizza dough, cinnamon rolls, french bread, red bean buns, hoe ducc, cookies, scones, soft pretzels, sweet rolls and then some. At first it seemed hard cause I was being real careful about the measurements and stuff but with time and many many products later its been easy especially with the bread maker mixing and kneading the dough.


I've never been one to follow directions, that is measuring things out perfectly, maybe coming from a Korean mom who doesn't measure anything has something to do with it.. I would start off with a recipe but always tweak it to my accord, and even though people swear to exact measurements in baking I say boulder dash. I add, subtract, tweak mostly everything I have followed from a recipe but mostly I use a recipe or idea for inspiration and do my own thing to do. I can say I'm a decent cook and baker...my family loves my food and baked goods. And my husband had gained 40 pounds since I met him, most of it from the first year..but than that's from my mom's cooking since we were living with her then. He was underweight when we met, a boy, now he is a "Man". :)

simply put...

To Do:

1.Continue budgeting
2.Continue working on mom's house
3.*Start exercise program
4.Focus on the kids
5.Focus on the hubby


Simply put things I need to work on...although they are all so much more complicated than that, but writing them out like that makes it easier to handle.

It's Friday today so time to do laundry and pack since we will be leaving for my mom's house to finish the bathroom. It's major work, re tiling, patching up the drywall and installing all new vanity, cabinets and painting. So basically a new bathroom...two weeks ago I demolished everything, while it was hard it was very therapeutic ripping out the tiles. I can see how people like remodeling homes, it starts off looking like crap but then looks so good afterwards. I guess that's what I like about it, because you can see the difference...kinda like cleaning a really dirty room. I guess I have to admit I like cleaning although not picking shit up (kids toys). Although I'm sure my family will beg to differ because I will start off in a decent mood but end up yelling, screaming and cursing by the end of the clean up. I jut get mad at how fast the house gets dirty and how no but me can pick anything off the floor. If I didn't put things away my self or tell them to put things away my house would be a pigsty. Really it would and you know I hate being that krajee korean mom complaining and bitching but if I don't nothing , nothing would get done around here.

*I need a exercise plan because I can't lose the weight like I used, it was always so easy to keep the weight off before (although not that I needed to lose weight before)but then I was never this heavy before. (sigh) fat sucks, especially the muffin tops...love them just not on my own waist!

Going with the flow.....

I've been busy going back and forth to my mom's house every week now since my uncle died. I can't believe its been over a month now and even though I saw him pass away before my eyes it still seem surreal. I guess death is like that, even when you actually experience it first hand, well that is watching someone pass on. Having two deaths in such a short period of time sucks to say the very least, this time though I'm better prepared...sounds off but its true, we all know what to expect, what to do, I have been on auto pilot going through the motions, taking care of things.



In ways it's helped me being on this schedule of having to go to my mom's and staying for three or more days. When we are there I keep busy, clean the house, do yard work, pay bills and finish fixing up the house. This week we have to finish painting, put up the new light fixture and the one room is done. We are going to power wash the outside, look for cracks in the foundation and patch them up, besides doing the weekly mowing and edging of the grass. My husbands been great, he has been doing all the work himself even though its a first for him but he's done a great job so far. He's closed off a door from the den to the kitchen so we can make it to a real room, which we have always used it as, but now its complete and looks damn good if I say so myself. This is the first time for him for doing dry wall and such. .



I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who doesn't bitch or complain. He has to do work for his in-laws, never heard him complain. Even though my own brother doesn't ever come to help do anything let alone offer. He wants minimal to no contact with my mom and aunt. But of course he gets tons of compliments and such for sit he doesn't do...go figure.



Anyways this is a rant about the lamn Korean culture of coddling their sons but of how things have been ok so far. That keeping busy has helped me although my house has been on shafted, good thing its new and doesn't need much up keep although I could do some pruning and dead heading of some flowers. But its not a major issue.

is there life after death.......

My son "Mom is there life after death? It would suck if there wasn't right mom? "



Me "I don't know maybe so and maybe not, although if that's the case then you have total peace? If there is a life after no one knows, till they die and obviously they can't tell you."



I've wondered about that too, especially with how Christians believe if your cremated you can't go to heaven or some shit like that. Hate to admit but religion disgusts me, maybe its all those fanatical nuts out there declaring their way is the only way and everyone else will go to hell and such....ya ya ya, blah blah...shut your freaking pie hole cause you don't know shit. You haven't died yet to know whether there is a heaven or hell and who says your god is the only god. God I hate those religious righteous freaks that try and shove their stupid beliefs down others throats. Shit shove this down your throat ass hats! So I don't like religion although there was a point in my life I looked to God, I had a understanding of Christian religion because my uncle used to send us to Sunday school and church because he believed it would benefit us since we were living in the U.S. and since it was built around Christianity.



To say I liked church or understood is far from the truth, I saw my father's distaste for religion or the freaks that is, he said used to say God doesn't need your money, that's a bunch of bull shit, its the crazy minister that does. "

So I guess maybe part of my reason for such distaste of religion is from him. However shortly after I had my son when I was 20 years old I looked to God, I felt so lost and hurt, lost and empty so I sought out something besides myself. It was also convenient cause my son's dad mom was a alcoholic born again christian. So I attended church with her where I was yes, Saved...I mean the shit where I actually fell to the ground and wept. But I wept because I was in pain, pain from realizing the man I thought who loved me didn't, the man I loved cheated on me, he hit me, he used drugs, he was a alcoholic, he looked at porn, he couldn't hold a job down....he was a loser. But he was the father of my baby, he was my worst nightmare.



I had a pain inside so deep, so damn empty, my heart was broken and so was I...so I sought out God, I read the bible but I found it to be sexist, calling woman whores and harlots. I found the church members to be hypocrites, doing drugs, drinking, etc. then asking God for forgiveness, cause the devil made them do it. It was the most pathetic no one was responsible for their own actions but it was always the devil who made them do it. Also they considered it to be bad to live within the world, what the fuck? They were a bunch of freaks to say the least. So I stopped but continued reading the bible, but even that made me disgusted with religion...the things I read I questioned and damn it I didn't have blind faith. Shit only a dumb fuck who with half a brain would believe every damn thing they read however I had questions and the damn book wasn't answering any of them. I read it all but came out feeling more disillusioned and disgusted.



So I sought inner peace and answers which weren't clear cut. My mother raised me to be good, honest to others, respectful, caring...etc. all basic stuff but I realized that wasn't the case. most if not all religion looked to the bible, god to tell them about the 10 commandments...duh? What the fuck ass hats you don't know not to lie, not to kill your neighbor, listen to your parents? Lamn fucks without any morals, self consciences, respect or humility. Made me laugh, these are the ones that killed others in the name of religion. Most of all the wars throughout history was due religion, give it a rest you freaks. God ain't telling you to kill others that don't believe in him, you ass hats are. Just cause you haven't given your life over to Jesus doesn't mean your going to hell...so what every person before Jesus and such went to hell, every other religion/belief is wrong but yours?!!!



Yes religious crazies make me sick, use common sense people, oh wait you don't have any so you need a book to tell you how to be a good person, to cheat, kill others. Hey do you also notice its always the crazies that kill their babies and others that say God made them do it, or the devil/demon. Yes you crazy ass whack jobs you have no control over yourselves, your a bunch of mindless ass hats being led to slaughter.



It makes me mad and sick how the religious right use "Pro Life" although those dumb fucks want to cut the programs to help these kids they insist should be born, what the fuck? They are total hypocrites, bunch of uneducated fucks that don't know a damn thing. They are not for same sex marriage although they cheat on their wives with other men? WTF people...banging another man's ass or sucking his dick makes you gay or a freak, just cause you disguise yourself as a married man doesn't change the truth. Let others choose who they love, marry, etc. it is their lives not yours, they don't tell you to not cheat on your spouse, to stop smoking crack, to stop looking at child pornography at work. No they just want some freedoms that all Americans have. Except for child rapists...Priests and pedophiles...I say kill them all, why even waste time in incarcerating them? It has been proven time after time they cannot change their behavior, take them out of their misery and let the freaking cycle stop. These sick fucks are usually continuing the cycle because most likely they were abused as a child themselves. The Priests and the Church shit that itself a whole another entry. Can we say stupid religious ass hats saying its ok because they confessed and asked for forgiveness, lets cover up and move them elsewhere to destroy more innocent lives. Yes sick, pathetic and definitely fucked up.



Speaking of idiots my son came home last week telling me about his Geography teacher who asked a fellow student who is also Korean which side did he come from? Huh...the kid didn't say anything but looked at him like what the fuck? Didn't he know if he was from north Korea he wouldn't be here? You would think a geography teacher would know this bit of fact north Korea is communist and there is no travel in or out of it. I guess being a teacher doesn't give them half a sense nor are those damn teacher in service days helping im out? My son laughed but he was disgusted at how ignorant even adults were about basic world news. He hates it when people ask him what he is and when he tells them Korean they have no idea where that is what that is, they state Asian right? To them it's all the same thing...he's like shit its not the same cause we Asians do not understand each other because we do not speak the same language. Korean is nothing like Chinese or Japanese and no we don't understand each other unlike you Spanish speakers that can understand each other although there are some differences in dialects depending on which country they come from. He was surprised at how stupid kids and teachers were in general about other cultures and people. I told them just cause they got a college degree didn't mean shit, there are many racist, ignorant and uneducated people who went to college. Hell look at whose president now and look at the freak show republicans running for government now? Yes I'm a democrat but that being said I know there are allot of ass hats on this side too.


The cool thing is my son and I have discussion about politics, religion, and even girls. He watches the Colbert report and John Stewart on his own time...hell even I don't watch that. He is pretty damn enlightened and smart for a 15 year old. Yes I'm proud. He is everything I wasn't, good grades...he was invited to attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. Never knew anything like that existed but with his grades and interest in medicine he got invited. No I'm not imaging him being a doctor or anything like that unless he wants to be but I think its awesome cause he can experience something first hand that may or may not enlighten him. I want him to have all the opportunity and chance that I didn't.

I told him the most important thing to me is that he is happy in choosing the career he wants, something that he loves, that makes him happy, money isn't a factor but if he wants things he knows he needs to make some. He told me he wishes he had many lives cause there are so many different things he wants to do...he reminds me alt of me when I was younger, but hopefully one with support and love who can actually attempt his dreams and fulfill them.

all's ok for now....

I turned on the water, cracked open the window, turned on the fans and turned up the volume. Finally a moment to myself, I knew the matches were on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet, for my candles of course. The devilish stick that sent my father to his grave was in my lips, I lit the match and inhaled, yes inhaled and damn it felt good...I know sad, sick but its the only thing I had left, my last vice. Ok it stunk and I really couldn't inhale anymore more after the first hit, I was getting a nasty head rush, never liked those, always happens when you haven't smoked in awhile. Someone people love it but I hate it, makes me feel sick....I tried to take a few more drags since I went to the trouble to lit it anyways, but it was nasty. I dropped it into the dixi cup, it sizzled in the water, poof and died, slow hazy smoke. It was nasty, into the garbage it went, had to tie off the bag. It stank, the entire bathroom stank, hopefully the candle I lit would kill the scent? Didn't matter now...hell its about time I utilized my jacuzzi tub, only used it three times at most, lamn. Almost three years in the house and used it only three times...lamn lamn.

Nice hot water, hot jet streams on my toes?...terrible design, why would you have jets pointed at your feet and not around the neck or shoulders...hell that's where all my tensions is, not on my feet or legs.....gotta switch my ass around the opposite direction to get the jets to where it'll help.
Too bad I can't hear the music since the damn jets are so loud, but its nice....too bad I gotta scrub off the dae(dirt, old skin) grabbed the handy dandy red korean sandcloth, the shit that rubs your skin off but feels so good after? Shit I'm so korean, I guess all those years of having my skin scrubbed off as a child made me in to a freak. Isn't weird after you scrub off all the dae, rinse, lather the cloth with soap scrub once more and then rinse off. Yes you feel so damn clean and smooth and new...nothing like that feeling, you hated it as a child, feared it, cowered into the corner hoping your mother didn't get a hold of you cause you knew the torture would start and it wouldn't stop until you were brightly red, with layers of dae on your arm, had to be red to make sure it came off. Even when you begged for her to stop she wouldn't until she got a good layer or two of your skin off, only until then were you clean. Shit yes now I look forward to that, it hurts but feels good? Had I become some masochistic freak that's get off on her own skin being scrubbed off? Naw I'm just your typical korean woman getting clean.

Nicely raw and red from the scrubbing I feel better, can't stand to see my naked body with all its extra rolls and fat but its ok. Too lazy to put on lotion, hell I remember the days I would never miss putting lotion all over my body...hmmm that was before the kids, before the husband, time I had to be vain, self-centered and focus on myself. But that's ok too tired a d lazy anyways, besides too much to lotion up now, too much area and I'm lazy and tired.


I laid down and watched tv for the rest of the day, I sent the child outside with her father. I sent him outside to finally finish installing the lights on our new concrete posts. Why is is that I have to tell this man what to do, when to do it and how??? I have three kids not two, love the man but he is a child, needing guidance in everything he does. It tires me, I hate telling him what he needs to do, I hate telling all of them what to do, and they wonder why I'm a crazy nagging witch. I retire, I quit, I want to run away, so they can be at peace, so I can be at peace. Ok a wild fantasy, but its ok for now. I got my break for the moment. That's all I need a break, a break from her, them, all of them...a moment for myself to shed my tears, to feel like shit.

Today I don't feel bad, I'm ok...I just don't want to feel like yesterday, those days suck...I need my break, a brief moment away from all of them.

feeling shitty....

I hate HATE feeling this way...that weird antsy crazy feeling within yourself where you feel like crawling out of your skin. The crazy intensity and buzzing that comes with it...I hate it. I feel crazy, literally when I feel this way, my head hurts, I feel shaky, nauseous and tense all at once. I don't always feel this way, but when I feel this way I can't sleep, I feel like I'm amped. Is this the manic part in the being bi-polar, I have no fucking idea although I know it comes when I'm extremely stressed out. I'm stressed out, sometimes I think I actually do my best in stress, I get so much done, constantly going but once I stop I'm exhausted. I feel exhausted alot now, I go from days of doing nothing literally, so damn tired and then go for days with constant activity and doing stuff. I feel the best when I'm doing stuff non stop, it keeps my mind off of stuff. It makes me feel like I'm getting things accomplished but I hate feeling exhausted, so damn tired and the aches I feel in my shoulders, neck. I still have that damn burning sensation in the deep of my shoulder between the shoulder blades...it sucks.
My daughter is crying right now and I want to smack her, I put he rout on corner time because she was playing her usual I want this... and once I serve it "no I don't want it" I've had it being her personal servant, I've had it with all the whinnying and demands. Shit what about my demands?! What about my needs....what about my time and space without eyes peering at my while I'm taking a dump, the constant demands and wants that I have to fulfill to every one but me!

What happened to me....why is it that I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole where I will never find myself, only being ripped into pieces by everyone needs and demands. I want out.
I want out of this insanity, this constant need to satisfy everyone else's needs, to feel that my worth is equated with what I do for others. Although even then I do not feel that is recognized but taken for granted, expected while my brother's do not do anything but are constantly dotted on and revered, I'm tired of being the freaking korean daughter. Fuck them all, they can go to hell with their freaking traditions, their patriarchal society, their freaking name sake, tradition and family line...fuck them all. I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm tired of destroying myself to compete in a world where I'm no one, where all I do does not mean much but only is taken for granted. Fuck the extended family, fuck stretching and taxing myself for others while I and my own family suffer.
I realize I'm following in my own sick parents step in putting others needs before my own kids and spouse. I did not realize ow sick they really were until my my told me:you should tell your aunt so they don't blame you." Huh? WTF! This is regarding the delay in cremation of my uncle because he had radiation pellets put into his prostate because he had prostate cancer. He had bought a policy from the Neptune society for himself and my aunt last year. It was supposed to be so easy and simple but it turned into some drama. It turned out he was radioactive so they could not cremate him, it was illegal. So we had to track down his doctor, or someone who would take it out of him. Luckily it was pretty painless...although he died August 12 and he barely got cremated yesterday I believe. The conversation with my mother occurred when I called to find out when his ashes would return back to Santa Barbara because his body was in L.A. where their facility was. The guy he will call and find out (this is two week) then he calls to tell me they can't cremate him cause his body is still registering for radioactivity! Shit so they will return his body again and the pathologist at the hospital will remove whatever else is registering and scan it before they send him down again. I told my mom since she wanted to know when his ashes would be ready. This is when I tell her of the complication but I told her I wont tell aunt since I don't think she needs to know about the latest problem. This is where she says I should tell her so I wont get blamed. HUh??? WTF really how in the hell is it my fault that they can't cremate his body because of radioactivity? Because I'm god?Because I'm the messenger, the one who has do the dirty work and deal with the stress??? I don't get it...why are korean women so freaking lame. Just her thought process tripped me out.

I'm spewing cause she called me to see whats going on...and her comments and statements annoy the fuck out of me. SHe drives me nuts with her constant bitching, comments (stuff to make me a better person) her constant belittling, correcting, And I'm the bad one when I stick up for myself or my kids. Fuck her and her pathetic martyr attitude while she is killing me and making me fucken suffer so she can look good. I 've had it with my family...I've had it with my fucked up upbringing. Her constant dotting and love for her precious son's even those bastard don't do a damn thing for her, only to avoid her yet I'm the fucked up one. Fuck her and my family, they suck!