Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and never brought back. Living in a fog, in dread, anger, pain and regret unable to enjoy the joy that surrounds me every day. Yes I'm already regretting, missing the sweet baby years, the curious toddler years, the anxious preteens.
My babies are growning...she is leaving for kindergarten next week and even though I eagerly awaited this date...my escape from domestic motherhood (prison) I feel a sadness and miss her already. Sure I swore and wished for this day to come, couldn't wait to get my life back but did I just miss out on the best years of my life....did I not even realize these are the days I will long for when I'm old, wrinkled and gray. When she would eagerly seek me, need me, even after a fit of tears she would come back to the reassurance of my arms. And yet I feel a relief yet empty since my role in motherhood has changed. Like when she was finally weened off the boob, it was such freedom yet I felt so sad that she would not need me to comfort her, that I was the only one who could calm her, reassure her. Sure at times it felt like a living hell but I knew it was for her good, I guess in ways that is parenthood..so damn painful and so necessary. I guess no pain no gain holds some truth to it.
She is officially 5 years old today and even though she looks the same she isn't...I measured her and she has grown at inch and half since the last time. She told me what she wanted for her birthday party..a jumper and silly string and pinta just like her cousin. She wanted Ariel on her birthday cake...sure we let her pick out the cake before but this year it was different she knew what she wanted and she asked ahead of time. Her party was the best ever she said..probably cause she will remember it.
Finally here is the change I awaited and yet I still feel the same...just a bit sad and regretful but haven't I felt this all along. I keep waiting for tomorrow to live my life and yet I have wasted the life I'm living now. Am'I cheating myself but more importantly my family of not being here.
I look a myself and I do not like the person I have become..I realize this is me, there isn't the old me in here but this is who I'am. I need to stop searching for what I thought was me..because even those times I was still searching for the person I used to or wanted to be. Why can't I ever just be happy with me and the right now. I know change is important but more so a fact of life yet why is it that I can not, have not ever been happy with who I'am. I guess the reality is that I have never liked me at the right now..it was always an idea of what I wanted to be or what I thought I was but when I actually look back at myself I was miserable, unsatisfied, searching for a better me even then.
This isn't saying that I'm accepting the bigger than life version of me cause really I can't stand being this big...I see myself but I don't see me..it's weird back when I was skinny as hell I always looked fat but now when I see myself I don't feel that big until I see some picture of myself. Holy shit I'm huge...so I guess I'm in denial and not having a full length mirror helps. Even thought I wear huge clothes, it still doesn't hit me till the pictures. I know it's goning to take work to take off all this fat, unlike ever before but you know it doesn't help matters to be hormonal. I'm feeling a bit crazy, emotional and sorry for myself blahs...I wish the stupid period would hurry up and start. I need to either start losing weight or just accept this is me and start buying clothes to flatter the fat!
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