Begging and wishing

It's the cutest thing ever Lucky came to us "pre-owned" and with it we were super lucky to say the least...she came fully potty trained but not only that she also "begs", totally cute and irresistible. As my mom says how can I not give her any food, besides everyone is in love with her. She greets everyone who comes into the house, so friendly gentle and lovable. So she's got a fan club because she has the ability to make everyone she comes in contact with special by giving them attention and love.

We've got family members who never considered owning a dog wanting a dog just like her, my mom said to me "You will giver her to me right since I will be alone?" She actually coos and talks to Lucky like a baby and says Lucky is better than a person because she gets up and runs to the door to greet her. She picks her up and cradles in her arms and of course feeds her even though we tell her not to since although cute as she is "begging" its not a good habit. So as like with all the grandchildren she does not listen to what I say but spoils Lucky. I can get over it after all if spoiling Lucky brings her some joy fine.

I worry about her since she has no other life than working...I actually told her I'd wish she would date. She thinks I'm crazy, she says she will never do that, she is waiting to join my dad. I told her he's probably pimping it up there with a bunch of young women while she is worried about being with him! I can't say I admire that about her but I can understand...I find it sad because her entire life was about her husband and his family. She lived her life as a good daughter-in-law of the eldest son however she expects so little from her own daughter-in-laws, although it seems like I fulfill those needs. I don't mind but I wish she would stop living like a martyr because it's hard having a mother that is so damn self sacrificing and a saint. Cause you know what I'm tired of filling those shoes, I've had more than my share of self sacrificing and abuse. I want me time and not feel guilty about it...I want her to take a new outlook of her life and finally live for herself. So maybe I'm wishing for far more than what can be but maybe just maybe with time she can actually have her own life, one that she wants to live, really live not just waiting to die.

That's my wish for Christmas this year for my mom to want to live, to have a fresh start in a new life that she is able to enjoy and find the joy that could be her life! I believe this will help me in my own life, to live my life as I should, to the fullest without regrets, with hope and desire not just wanting to escape, wishing it to be over, to really live. I do want to live, not to go through the motions but create the life I want to have. To be grateful of all that I'm blessed with, so this Christmas Santa please please bring my mom a real desire to want to live her a life and I promise I will live my own!

Empty

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks have faded away, the storms of anger and pain have all but erased her steps, her former self all but left as a distant memory quickly fading. She is scared of this new person who has emerged, she is confused at who she has become, she hates who she is yet she is unable to change. It sounds so easy to say get off your fat ass and walk back into your life, take hold of what is yours, hold on to it for dear life..so easy because here I sit unable to move. Frozen in this misery unable to move forward or back, just clinging on to the hopelessness that is me. Hating this blob who is me, ashamed of what I have become because looking back I'm survived so much more with so little, yet now when I have more than I ever had I've become so helpless, small and pathetic. Worst of all I fear of what I'm placing into my children, the memories of a dark, angry, irrational mother..one who loses it at a drop of a dime...the ugly truth that is reality. One who waits for her life to happen as she waits for the world to change when in reality it is she who needs to change. I've become the monster I did not wish on anyone, especially the little souls that rely on me to grow as I'm stunting their growth, their development of their self worth and identity.

It has never been harder than today for me to break out of this darkness, this deep fog that chains my soul into this bleakness....I want to break free, to lift my soul to the light, to be lifted of this burden that is I...yet I have failed.

Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.