Empty

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks have faded away, the storms of anger and pain have all but erased her steps, her former self all but left as a distant memory quickly fading. She is scared of this new person who has emerged, she is confused at who she has become, she hates who she is yet she is unable to change. It sounds so easy to say get off your fat ass and walk back into your life, take hold of what is yours, hold on to it for dear life..so easy because here I sit unable to move. Frozen in this misery unable to move forward or back, just clinging on to the hopelessness that is me. Hating this blob who is me, ashamed of what I have become because looking back I'm survived so much more with so little, yet now when I have more than I ever had I've become so helpless, small and pathetic. Worst of all I fear of what I'm placing into my children, the memories of a dark, angry, irrational mother..one who loses it at a drop of a dime...the ugly truth that is reality. One who waits for her life to happen as she waits for the world to change when in reality it is she who needs to change. I've become the monster I did not wish on anyone, especially the little souls that rely on me to grow as I'm stunting their growth, their development of their self worth and identity.

It has never been harder than today for me to break out of this darkness, this deep fog that chains my soul into this bleakness....I want to break free, to lift my soul to the light, to be lifted of this burden that is I...yet I have failed.