Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.