Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Don't say it out loud!

Well does it always seem like whenever you say something out loud it comes true, that you or someone else will "jinks" your luck. That whatever you comment on how well you are doing...etc. will then turn for the worst. That seems to be the case this year and it's only started. First with the hubby's car breaking down right after he and his Uncle had a conversation of how old it was and how it was running. As soon as we return and he drives it to work it breaks down...sigh. Just my last post about about the neediness of others and how I'm burnt out from it all...well I could have just ate my words. Turns out the brother took part in taking care of our mother and he took her to LA.

Of course that made me feel guilty but at the same time it wasn't like I was telling anyone just posting it on the for the whole world to see. Just venting as I need too know. So what is it with older Korean people with faking how they are doing to get attention from their children? I mean I used to see it all the time with my grandmother, Aunt and even my dad but now my mom has caught on to the old lady train! At first I believed her low and weak voice was true in that she was ill but then I saw her in action right in front of me. There she was fine, laughing feeling much better than when she arrived but as soon as she answered the phone to talk to my brother her voice dropped like 5 decimals and she sounded so faint and weak!

I couldn't believe my ears...my mom was becoming the little old lady who was seeking out sympathy and attention from her children! Gawd when did she get so old?!! I thought it was funny until today when she called me and used her "sick phone voice" but it didn't amuse me but pissed me off. I had seen this role a hundred times before with my Aunt but not her. I guess it pissed me off because she was faking it to get attention. I know she is and has been sick but to over play it like that is sad. But more than that is my reaction to her...she pisses me off. I guess I'm tired of being her savior of everything while she only listens and chooses on what she wants to do. I guess I'm not a big fan of playing victim but that on being proactive and changing your life if you are unhappy.

These old ladies do not change anything only bitch and moan and then play martyr

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Needy

Although one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her from not feeling any more pain, I wanted her to find peace and happiness, but that didn't happen. What I realized was that she needed to find her own peace, her own happiness and that no matter how hard I tried I cannot change others. Things were complicated due to the passing of my uncle and then I had another person to save, my Aunt. Then it occurred to me why I felt so bad, worn out and tired I was trying to rescue others awhile I was destroying myself. I realized the only person I could change was me so I withdrew, I let them handle their daily conflicts. Even when they called me with urgency to refill a prescription, to make an appointment in which I was expected to drop everything I was doing for them. After all I had been doing it for years.

Going to her house every weekend luckily did not destroy my marriage although it's more due to the patience and love of my husband not me. So it hit me that I needed to put my family first, that the needs of my kids and y husband had to come before them. That I shouldn't repeat the mistake my parents made with us. Sacrificing our needs for the well being of others. I know I did not want to become bitter, angry and hurt like my mom and Aunt became. I did not want to give my life up to others worrying about what they thought because they sure as hell didn't give a damn about what happened to us.

So even as I try to make this change it has become difficult because they have become more needy and they don't ask anyone but me. Yes my brother who lives a few blocks from me who is well off and can do things for her too isn't ever called. It's always me and my husband. Then my mom had the nerve to call him a bad guy cause he didn't come in and say hi to her when we stopped by on the way from a trip. It didn't matter he was seeing why she was having a leak in her toilet but that he didn't say hi to her cause she had been sick. It pissed me off cause here he had remodeled her whole damn house on his weekends for the last year and half and she said he was bad for not saying hello to her. I wanted to go off on her and I said what? What about your son? Where is he?

Sometimes I hate my family, the one I grew up with. I'm tired of rescuing everyone, for being the one who is always there, I'm tired of doing everything. So when my Aunt called to say I needed to take my mom to LA to the Korean doctor to see why she was sweating so much I felt angry and resentful. I want to help her but I can't cause the husbands car died on him on the way to work on Monday. So he was using my car...I have no transportation and we aren't in the best financial situation because I haven't worked for almost four years. So I guess being that I can't do anything for her stressed me out.

Today she called me to say she should go to the LA doctor cause she is sweating non stop even though she has taken two rounds of antibiotics...she has the regular flu no swine flu. But I guess she has been sweating so much she needs to change her clothes at least three times a day. She told me to call her friend who knows of the address of the place in LA so I can take her. When she called she asked to see if my husband worked all day..it is his half day but he was planning to fix his car not drive her to LA. So I feel guilty and angry because shit I have my own problems too and I can't just drop everything for everyone else. It makes me sick because I'm tired and I don't want to help anymore.

When you give and give and no else does it makes you angry. I guess I'm mad cause she can ask my brother but why does she have to keep calling my ass. She has no freakin shame in asking my husband. Just because he is a good guy don't take advantage of him. If I was him I would have gone off on him long time ago...the reality is my family is sucking us dry.

I want my mom to be independent but the reality is she will always need me and I don't want to be needed anymore. I'm tired and burnt out...I want to work on my own family, to focus on my own house, my kids, my husband and on my own self.

What can I say I'm a bad daughter...but I don't care.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010

I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In ways I guess the catalyst was when my father died and my own realization of what I did not want to become. I did not want to become my mooter or aunt living for everyone else and then feeling hurt and angry when they realized no one else lived for them. I don't want to become a martyr nor do I want to sacrifice my kids and husband for the approval of others. These are the things my parents did to us, to themselves and it has not gotten them anywhere. Sure it is good to be kind and giving but not to the point where it hurts your own needs.

My mom has come along way in that the mourning for my father is over and now she is angry maybe even bitter thinking back into their lives...of all that she gave and how little she received from him. I know this to be true even though I love my father he was a a horrible husband...I guess maybe just maybe she hoped he was finally going to treat her right in their golden years but now that he is gone leaving behind his older sister for my mom to take care of she is angry. She tries to remember the good times but they are far and few in between, it is bitter sweet to watch her think back to the love of her life in which she realizes she has lived for a man in vain. She has not received much from him but heartache, stress, and yes three children. But even that is mostly her doing not hers.

When I think about my father I think of him as in terms of our relationship but not in terms of how he treated my mom....I can't because I will resent him for the husband he wasn't to her. It makes me grateful for my husband, how different he is from my father, how he doesn't demand to be right all the time because he is the man, how he is gentle and loving to me, how I'm his number concern even before the kids. He gives the the complete love and adoration everyone woman should receive from their husbands. The kind my mother deserved from my father. But I won't cry from spilled milk...their relationship is what it is and it give me insight in what I don't want in mine for what I don't want in my life.

So with that for this New Year I have my list of changes and needs to be accomplished.

First I need to start working again...for financial reasons and for own self worth.
Second I need to re-establish my relationships (family and friends)
Third I need to work on me (physical and mental)

Even though it's only three areas there is much work and time needed. I haven't written much since I have been busy with entertaining and visiting for the holidays. It was a bit too much but I will make sure not to over extend myself and the family next year so it can be a enjoyable and not spent running from place to place.


I have been terrible in that I haven't been to the cemetery to visit my dad or uncle but as I told my mom I didn't feel like he is there. She believes the body and spirit is one while I think the body is a vessel and the soul leaves the body. But I do feel the need to visit him...it will be his birthday Jan. 13th...wow it will be three years since he died this April. I miss him but I do not think of him daily...I can't I need to move forward.

Here is to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!