The Needy

Although one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her from not feeling any more pain, I wanted her to find peace and happiness, but that didn't happen. What I realized was that she needed to find her own peace, her own happiness and that no matter how hard I tried I cannot change others. Things were complicated due to the passing of my uncle and then I had another person to save, my Aunt. Then it occurred to me why I felt so bad, worn out and tired I was trying to rescue others awhile I was destroying myself. I realized the only person I could change was me so I withdrew, I let them handle their daily conflicts. Even when they called me with urgency to refill a prescription, to make an appointment in which I was expected to drop everything I was doing for them. After all I had been doing it for years.

Going to her house every weekend luckily did not destroy my marriage although it's more due to the patience and love of my husband not me. So it hit me that I needed to put my family first, that the needs of my kids and y husband had to come before them. That I shouldn't repeat the mistake my parents made with us. Sacrificing our needs for the well being of others. I know I did not want to become bitter, angry and hurt like my mom and Aunt became. I did not want to give my life up to others worrying about what they thought because they sure as hell didn't give a damn about what happened to us.

So even as I try to make this change it has become difficult because they have become more needy and they don't ask anyone but me. Yes my brother who lives a few blocks from me who is well off and can do things for her too isn't ever called. It's always me and my husband. Then my mom had the nerve to call him a bad guy cause he didn't come in and say hi to her when we stopped by on the way from a trip. It didn't matter he was seeing why she was having a leak in her toilet but that he didn't say hi to her cause she had been sick. It pissed me off cause here he had remodeled her whole damn house on his weekends for the last year and half and she said he was bad for not saying hello to her. I wanted to go off on her and I said what? What about your son? Where is he?

Sometimes I hate my family, the one I grew up with. I'm tired of rescuing everyone, for being the one who is always there, I'm tired of doing everything. So when my Aunt called to say I needed to take my mom to LA to the Korean doctor to see why she was sweating so much I felt angry and resentful. I want to help her but I can't cause the husbands car died on him on the way to work on Monday. So he was using my car...I have no transportation and we aren't in the best financial situation because I haven't worked for almost four years. So I guess being that I can't do anything for her stressed me out.

Today she called me to say she should go to the LA doctor cause she is sweating non stop even though she has taken two rounds of antibiotics...she has the regular flu no swine flu. But I guess she has been sweating so much she needs to change her clothes at least three times a day. She told me to call her friend who knows of the address of the place in LA so I can take her. When she called she asked to see if my husband worked all day..it is his half day but he was planning to fix his car not drive her to LA. So I feel guilty and angry because shit I have my own problems too and I can't just drop everything for everyone else. It makes me sick because I'm tired and I don't want to help anymore.

When you give and give and no else does it makes you angry. I guess I'm mad cause she can ask my brother but why does she have to keep calling my ass. She has no freakin shame in asking my husband. Just because he is a good guy don't take advantage of him. If I was him I would have gone off on him long time ago...the reality is my family is sucking us dry.

I want my mom to be independent but the reality is she will always need me and I don't want to be needed anymore. I'm tired and burnt out...I want to work on my own family, to focus on my own house, my kids, my husband and on my own self.

What can I say I'm a bad daughter...but I don't care.