Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Face book...it's an addiction

Lately I've spent most of my online time of Face book, I was slow to warm up not adding any friends but slowly I was getting more and more friend requests. Before I knew it I was hooked..full blown addicted to finding those damn "hatchlings" one of their many applications, looking up "old friends" and seeing what they been up to after high school. So typical most of all the popular people are losers now, the quiet geeky kids full blown successes..getting their PhD's, owning their own software companies, traveling the world and way better looking then they used to be, hello Ugly Duckling! Got to admit I'm envious of their lives unlike the popular kids, uh well they had their glory moments way back then and obviously burned the candle on both ends..they look like shit. Middle aged, old, wrinkled...really bad. I have to say days like this it pays off to be Korean/Asian, sure once we hit like 70 we get super freakin wrinkled and old over night but till then we look pretty damn good and I mean without any work! It's weird cause I remember everyone from how they used to look way back in elementary school, junior high and high school but now they look so old.

Shit I'm middle aged and I didn't even know it...I know I wasn't young but I didn't realize I was this old! Besides the extra pounds I feel so much better...I know that's bad but it feels good knowing I don't look that old...I hate to say it but its true blonds/white people burn out fast. So as time goes by I'm grateful for being Korean, yes seems superficial but what can I say but the truth. It sucks to age, that's why everyone is into plastic surgery etc. besides the sun damage from my tanning days I'm not that old looking after all.

Disney...happiest place on earth...NOT!

We went on a mini family vacation to Disneyland courtesy of my mother-in-law(she paid) this last weekend. This last summer we went to San Diego with her and the hubby's nephew and it was over all a pleasant experience. So when she suggested another trip to Disneyland I didn't give second thought to it. I should have taken note why my brother in law and his wife declined on vacationing with her and went without her to Disneyland this last thanksgiving when they came down. I guess either I'm in denial or dense...I will blame it on the fogginess of depression. Well what should have been a wonderful trip with memories of bonding and happiness it turned out a trip from hell. Since my meeting with her I have been respectful and accommodating to this woman who gave life to my darling husband...I did not want the stigma of the over bearing mother-in-law to taint our relationship. I swear no matter how opinionated and snooty she could get I dealt with it with a smile and even a laugh. I followed what she wanted, bent over backwards to welcome her and make her feel comfortable, cooked meals for her, cleaned up after her, had endless hours of conversation with her about knitting, sewing, how great she is....all a while all my dear hubby was at work or in another room avoiding her. I did it with grace, acceptance and yes duty. After all this woman gave birth and raised my sweet and agreeable husband....could she be as bad as what my sister-in-law told me to be.

Last year for my mother-in-laws hang gap (60th Birthday) we drove up to Sacramento to throw her a surprise birthday party...yes my idea since I was raised with Korean tradition of 60th birthday's as a big deal. My husband is American Chinese so I figured it would only be right since our cultures are similar. Well during that visit my sister-in-law and I were able to talk one on one about how they resented us because of what my MIL was saying about us..."you know they do this...and this...why can't you guys do this...so this invisible tension was looming between the siblings and their spouses because this woman had the audacity to make comparisons of her grown sons. It turns out my husbands younger brother can not stand his mother even though she watches their little boy. I guess she was abusive stating he was stupid..etc as a child and he still holds a grudge to her. All I got from my husband was she yelled alot and he ignored her...he did what she wanted to shut her up...in their minds my husband was the favorite son, although in reality he was the favorite. This was noted my own observations and aunt and uncle-in-law.

I didn't let any of this really taint my opinions of her...I thought parents are tough on the oldest usually and let it be that. But now I realize how selfish and narrow minded she is. She thinks she is always right an her way is the right way...father-in-law was a sweet man who gave into his wife. He was a very soft spoken and kind man.