With a heavy heart....

I thought things would get better, that the air would clear, that speaking up would clarify things but instead I stand with this heavy heart. I'm able to clear my mind with thoughts and not lie awake at night as they repeatedly play over and over. But the reality is that I carry this burden, this guilt as always that is slowly draining my soul. I felt dizzy as if I was floating, I knew I wasn't sick so I searched it on the internet and I found that anxiety and stress can be causes. So all awhile I was trying to find inner peace, to quiet the voice of negativity I have only placed it further behind the facade of peace I was hoping to find.
Although I do not lay awake I'm bombarded with dreams, in which I address people and tell them how I feel. I actually felt at peace but then in reality how can you really talk to someone who doesn't talk or know how to communicate. I think I've come to regret that sticking up for myself doesn't work after all, that it is better to keep my mouth shut, to suck it up and not cause waves. Cause no matter what it doesn't become resolved but becomes worst. I still do not have this damn thing called esteem, that I do not give myself much credit or worth, that my needs and desires do not come before others. I have made myself this doormat and I do not know how to change it. It's ingrained into my identity, that this is who I'm.

I felt the fog engulf me and even though I tried to run from it it was too late. I know its embraced me in its familiar grasp, so quickly it came and I stood and watched. It's so weird to actually feel it, to see it over come as I feel like I'm walking in a dream, as my eyes are blurry and not crisp and clear. I kept washing my eyes out, hoping that it was my contacts, that they were dirty and clouded. And that this paralyzing exhaustion I felt wasn't my lover, depression forcing his way back.

How clearly different I feel, how the energy that pumped through my body vanished so quickly. I don't want him, I want him to leave, I want him to fade into my past as the others but yet he holds on, unwilling to release me.