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What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.
I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.
Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.
Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.
Umma
1 year ago
5 comments:
I feel you and if you feel you need something to take the edge off, then do it. There are other meds out there, it doesnt have to be Prozac.
My doctor had prescribed zoloft or paxil for my PMS a little while back. Because I get extremely moody (bitchy, depressed and a little nutty) she suggested I take it for two weeks and get off of it for two weeks. Maybe a part time trial can work for you.
BTW,I didn't end up taking it but it isn't completely off my list. Prozac isn't the only one available. My friend is taking something now and says it works for her. You do what you think will help you and like KP says, if you need something to take the edge off, by all means do it.
What about the radical idea that motherhood may indeed SUCK for hundreds of thousands of women? We have been sold a bill of goods since childhood... that motherhood would fulfill us, give full expression to our femininity, be joyful, on and on...
But the fact is, many women are not cut out for motherhood and find it stifling, exhausting, irritating, etc. We may not have the temperament or we may just be more honest with ourselves than most!
While an antidepressant might help, I think it would also help to accept and respect your feelings, and to acknowledge that you are in a really hard place that will, eventually, improve. Soon your children will be in school fulltime and you can return to yourself and your life. In the meantime, know that you are not alone and not crazy or defective. In fact, you are more honest than most.
It is not only you, Me too! i completely relate to your blog, I could have write your words myself, except that I do not yell/get angry to my child but I so want to do it, so i keep it to myself( Which at the end is worse). What can I say, just waiting for my child to grow up while I suffer from this horrible gastric reflux and hypertension caused for stress and anxiety.
I thought this is what I wanted, but I really just want to be left alone. I wonder if it's because she doesn't have a sibling to pester? I don't play with her, as I've never played with children. I leave that up to her uncle and grandparents. I do the yelling and other necessities, and nurse her when she's sick (I do feel bad when she's sick). I rather do my own thing.
But my mother had another baby because I kept bothering her. I guess it worked, I don't know--I was two years old when he was born. I know we played a lot. Well maybe it did work. But damn, what if it doesn't and I end up screaming down the street, never to return?! It's sad when I count down the years she will be eighteen. So far, eleven more years!
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