Healing

After a really bad day I started feeling better, not perfect if there is such a thing but good. I want to feel good and I feel it, not just a phase but I feel me wanting to come out and live life again. I wish I can say the battle is over but it is not, it maybe never be and this will be something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that, I don't expect every day to be full of roses and sunshine but I just want a reason to go on, to live, a desire. So the passion has come back but I can not say a part of me is afraid that it maybe a false hope, that it maybe the ugly cycle of being bi-polar but maybe just maybe it's not and I'm healing. I can not even know if I'm bi-polar or it is just clinical depression I had, from PPD to mourning the lose of my father..regardless it has left me lifeless and pathetic. But I don't want that to be my life, I don't want those to be the memories for my children of me.

But more than that I don't want this to be my legacy that I pass down to my children, I want so much more for them, I hope that whatever influences I have had on them will not dictate how they live their lives...that they would over come this obstacle in their lives. I guess more than anything I fear that I have damaged them and they can not change. That I have failed them as their mother and cannot guide them into this world with all the love, wisdom and support I could have given them. I regret but I'm hopeful that I'am emerging from this dark pit into the light and I will feel the warmth throughout my body releasing my soul to heal. To feel the warmth, to see the brightness and hear the words. To guide me back not to the old me but the new me who knows will embrace the changes and miles that has taken to get to this new place. The tears, pain, anguish and guilt within my soul as a badge that will guide me to my new life.

I move forward and I know I will falter, fall and slip but that wont stop me...I will keep moving on.

Week 2

Baby girl loves school, she tells me every day when I pick her up. However every morning she is reluctant to go inside the play yard and insists I stay by the gate. After the second day of school the school wanted parents to drop kids off at the gate and not go into the school yard. So instead of walking her to her class or to her teacher I stand and wait by the gate but she like a few other