Life

I guess besides having my bad days I have defeated the "fog" for the time being. More or less I feel more like myself, not perfect far from it but I do not have the over whelming feeling of dread and defeat. I feel ok and life is good in so many ways and I'm finally able to see since the fog has dissipated!

My mom fractured her fibula and sprained her ankle while going into work last week. But instead of feeling so worried and over come with stress after the initial news I become logical and methodical. It took a few days not to let the anxiety and what ifs to over come me. Instead I didn't over think things and focused on the present. Focusing on what is happening today and not the past or wishing I had done or said something differently only made me miserable. Being stressed about things I have no control over including people. I feel so relieved and happy that emotionally, mentally I'm healing. I'm at peace and content even though life isn't perfect I'm ok.

Being Present

It seems so obvious and simple that it is completely missed and over looked. That being in the present and not looking forward or back is the key to contentment. I realize being present in the right now is so difficult for me to do. My mind is usually occupied with things in the past or looking into the future when today passes me by and I wonder where it went. This has been my life for the past 6 years, always regret for one thing or another, always envying other people's lives, wanting what I think they have, not appreciating what I have, not being present in my life, finding excuses for why I do not. So it stops now, I know what is good for me and I know when I'm falling into the pit of darkness. Instead of falling I need to reach out and grab hold of the supports that are within my reach. I need to grab with my hands and pull myself out, instead of watching myself sink within the fog. It's time I fought instead of going down passively. So I live in the present, being aware of the right now and when my emotions and mind float away call it out for what it is and not go away with it. Iam not my emotions or thoughts, they are only a reaction to my fears and doubts, not the person Iam.

The Calm Before The Storm

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of pain, turmoil and fear. Things you hoped that you had left behind, the things you wanted to keep in the past, things you thought wouldn't hurt you again but that is what happens before the storm...the calm fools you into thinking everything will be ok.

The last few months have been my calm...finally feeling alive, normal not suffocated by the fog, unable to feel anything but dullness and dread but to feel the sunlight, the warmth, to hear the laughter, to feel relief and even anger. But the feelings weren't tainted by the depression, they were real and they were mine again. But the storm has brewed and is trying to drag me under again. I don't want it to take over but I feel the darkness, the anger, pain and fears. I want to cry, explode and hide all at the same time. My triggers of the past has traumatized me far more than I realized. It's funny to be able to label my symptoms, to recognize what my problem however to fix it is another story.

A week and and half after my father died baby girl was scheduled to get her teeth fixed. She was born with little to no enamel on her baby teeth and even though she was breastfeed exclusively till her second birthday her teeth were decayed and she was unable to eat anything due to the sensitivity and pain. At 18 months we had taken her to a pediatric dentist who had ripped out her front four teeth without any anaesthetic. I was horrified to say the least as I sat in the back seat trying to comfort her as her gums bleed. I held back my tears, wiping her tears trying to comfort all awhile holding in my angry at the so called pediatric dentist. There was no way I was coming to get the rest of the work done. I guess I should have realized how shitty the place was the first time when they forced her down and clamped her mouth shut to get the x-rays. Even that day she was sacred to death calling for me wanting her "mamas", my breasts her comfort. But our crappy HMO only covered this dentist that was in another town from us. But we went to another pediatric dentist in town even if we had to pay on our own.

She needed to be put to sleep because she needed extensive work, she needed caps on all her molars and spacers on the top for when her permanent teeth came in. Just the anesthetic would start at $500 requiring the full deposit since it was actually Dr who cam to do that part. It took over two and half hours...but more than that I was in shock due to my father's death a week and half earlier.

Baby girl was in deep fear of anyone is scrubs and cried and held me tighter to her...the anesthesiologist came from behind and gave her a shot in her arm to make her fall asleep. She was out within min. and he carried her to the room. We waited feeling relieved that we didn't hear her screams this time. She laid in my arms as she woke still scared but little did we know this was only the beginning of the nightmare.

We went home and as she laid in my arms she fell asleep...half an hour later she jolted up crying, screaming, her eyes were open with a glazed look. Even though I held her she couldn't see me but kept on screaming and crying. She was still sleeping but awake...she was having night terrors. We tired to wake her, put cold water on her feet but she would keep screaming and crying and then suddenly stop. This went on every time she fell asleep. So she was unable to completely fall asleep. I looked online and found that after being put to sleep this happened to some other kids but there was not much on it. I told her dentist but they looked at me like I was crazy. Why is that every time you tell doctors about something that is happening they look at you as if your are lying.

She went through a week and half of this..we all had no sleep we were exhausted to say the least, I hadn't had much sleep since she was born because she slept with us and I had let her feed on demand. So sleep was a stranger to me but night time, sleep became a fear to me. What made the night terrors stop was her next visit to the dentist when they would put in her spacers. Naturally she was scared to death and cried as they sat her down, she didn't want to open her mouth, she started screaming and crying so the dentist needed four other assistant to hold her down so she could put the spacer in. I think the inability for baby girl to scream and express her fears when she was put to sleep made her have the night terrors but when she was able to fight, scream for her life she stopped having the night terrors. That night she finally fell asleep without waking up, we were finally able to sleep.

Since her visit to the dentist she had extreme fear of all doctors and anyone in scrubs. I guess it didn't help that she was with me in the hospital when my dad was in there. She has far too much exposure to the hospital and death at such a young age. She watched me trying to feed my dad, imitating me telling him to eat. She would repeat the same words, brushing away my tears looking up at me trying to comfort me. So her fear of anyone in scrubs was natural, but every visit to the doctors office was hell for me...she would start to shake, sweat and then cry. You could see the fear in her little face...I would start to sweat and feel nauseous. I hated going to the doctor..luckily she didn't required many trips to the doctors or dentist. We skipped the annual cleanings to the dentist and because I could not go in there with out sweating and feeling sick to my own stomach.

I noticed her gums would swell and bleed, the gums around her capped molars..it worried me cause I thought they were rotting inside and she would need to go to the dentist again. The hubby took her for a check up and they said it looked fine..she was scared but they went slowly, it had been over a year since the battle with the spacer and she came along with us on our dental appointments. I guess the fact she was able to express herself in words helped because slowly her fear was going away. But I didn't go with her, I couldn't so hubby would take her and I would take her to medical check ups.

We changed from HMO to PPO even though we had to pay an extra $100 every month because the HMO did not have our dentist. I had thought baby girl would need more work on her teeth from the swelling of her gums but the dentist didn't say anything nor did the hubby mention anything to the dentist. I guess I should have gone because he doesn't ask much. Her last visit to the dentist was very successful, they were able to clean her teeth with the polisher and even take x-rays. But her x-rays showed her permanent molars were coming up in angle against her baby molars. The dentist said she never saw anything like it. It also looked like she was missing a pair of molars but she had to come back when her regular dentist was there.

I guess I had really hoped she would not have anymore issues with her teeth even though I saw the swollen gums. Her next visit confirmed my fears and worst. Her jaw bones were not growing and were thin besides the permanent molars coming in crooked. The stranger part was she was having gum loss around the molars, something they had never seen in someone her age. So we were referred to the oral surgeon because even though they could extract her molars they wanted a biopsy of her gums to see what the problem was. Yes here was our storm, my fear came true but far more than I thought.

When you are told there is something wrong with your child you feel guilty. Even though you may have not had any control over it you feel like it is your fault. Even though she was born without any enamel on her teeth the dentist looked at me like it was my fault. Like I was giving her juice or candy every day without brushing. So every day I feel like I'm judged as a horrible parent because my child has metal caps in her mouth and missing teeth. They had told me that sometimes it just happens that the bay teeth does not form correctly but the permanent teeth would be fine. But now they were telling me her jaw one wasn't growing properly, that she was missing permanent teeth and worse yet she was having gums issues.

Shit I should have taken my pre-natal vitamins even though I felt sick from taking them, maybe that is why I had caused this on her. But my mom never took any and we had no issues with our teeth. So many different things have run through my head, I looked up any genetic disorders with teeth issues but found nothing. So even logically I know it isn't my fault I feel that I'm responsible.

The oral surgeon confirmed what I thought maybe the cause of Baby girls teeth problems, she was allergic to caps. That is why her gums and jaw bones were not growing in the areas of the capped molars. So the solution was to remove the caps/molars before they did anymore damage to her permanent teeth. She would need braces later but the main concern now was to get rid of the caps.

Yes that would mean no molars for her to chew with, it didn't make things easier that she already had her front top teeth pulled so she can't bit into anything nor chew hard, tough things. "I've never seen a toothless person starve", that is what the oral surgeon said when she asked how would she eat. It would be bothersome but she wasn't going to starve as he said. Her permanent molar was already coming in so hopefully all her teeth would come in sooner than later. Till then I will have to cut everything up for her.

I started this post because since her appointment with the oral surgeon I have felt the fear, anxiety and bad memories flood back. Even that day at the appointment I felt uneasy and nervous...I started sweating. I realize all the negativity and pain associated with her dental issues has been tied with my father's death. So I'm relieving the pain again...I feel the anxiety and fear. I'm scared even though it will be fine..I feel irritated and sad at the same time. So I had to write out my fears of what is going on in my mind. To make things worst for her this Friday was her class Thanksgiving party since this is the last week of school before break. Yes the budget cuts effected schools to close for a entire week for Thanksgiving instead of a few days. So besides getting her teeth removed she will miss her class party. I wanted to reschedule but I know it's better to get it over with then wait. So instead today we will make rainbow cupcakes for her class to share with tomorrow.


This is my storm, one that reaches deep within that grips my deepest fears and pain. One where I cannot control the pain of my child, where I'am left feeling helpless and useless. So I have been frozen in fear, in anguish unable to tell anyone of my fears. Trying to think positive, wishing the days would fly by and it would all be over and she was healing. That we were both healing and that the pain would scab over and the wound underneath would grow back stronger with the scar. I don't think the scar would ever fade but at least it would cover that hole. I want to move forward, I don't want to be frozen in fear, living in dread. I hope for the best and do not want the worst.

To Feel Again.

It is amazing how things look and feel when your head is out of the fog, when the feeling of numbness wrapped in pain releases its grip on you. You feel alive again, you feel the pain but more than that you are unsatisfied to the point in which you want out of it. That is the difference in that you take active steps to move away from what makes you feel pain, discomfort and distraught. You do not just sit in your pain, numb unable to move forward or back but indifferent not really feeling. Maybe it is way to survive to be so numb that you do not feel the pain that is so deep that it may just kill you. You long to feel the pain, to relish in it because that means you are alive but you don't only to going through the motions.

So I have escaped this thing called depression, I feel alive again. I feel again, joy, sadness, anger, regret but I feel in which I have not in years. The sadness and sorrow that fills me whenever I think of my father is ok....I can accept it I'm moving forward. I miss him dearly and I always will but life must go on. I look at myself and can't believe how much I have changed yet I'm still here. I will be ok and god forbid I may go through this again but I know I will come out of it.

The laughter come deep from within, it comes from me, it warms me, it touches my heart and spreads throughout my body. It feels good to feel again.

Healing

After a really bad day I started feeling better, not perfect if there is such a thing but good. I want to feel good and I feel it, not just a phase but I feel me wanting to come out and live life again. I wish I can say the battle is over but it is not, it maybe never be and this will be something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that, I don't expect every day to be full of roses and sunshine but I just want a reason to go on, to live, a desire. So the passion has come back but I can not say a part of me is afraid that it maybe a false hope, that it maybe the ugly cycle of being bi-polar but maybe just maybe it's not and I'm healing. I can not even know if I'm bi-polar or it is just clinical depression I had, from PPD to mourning the lose of my father..regardless it has left me lifeless and pathetic. But I don't want that to be my life, I don't want those to be the memories for my children of me.

But more than that I don't want this to be my legacy that I pass down to my children, I want so much more for them, I hope that whatever influences I have had on them will not dictate how they live their lives...that they would over come this obstacle in their lives. I guess more than anything I fear that I have damaged them and they can not change. That I have failed them as their mother and cannot guide them into this world with all the love, wisdom and support I could have given them. I regret but I'm hopeful that I'am emerging from this dark pit into the light and I will feel the warmth throughout my body releasing my soul to heal. To feel the warmth, to see the brightness and hear the words. To guide me back not to the old me but the new me who knows will embrace the changes and miles that has taken to get to this new place. The tears, pain, anguish and guilt within my soul as a badge that will guide me to my new life.

I move forward and I know I will falter, fall and slip but that wont stop me...I will keep moving on.

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.

One step at a time

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has lifted but I know it lingers listlessly waiting to envelope me in its restlessness and confusing haze. But as of right now I've escaped its grasps. I know I will never completely be free of it but I know to keep ahead of it I must live in the moment. I must not look back to see why its there but move forward with my day. Yes I feel ok, even good although I fear saying those words will jinx my progress, the painful slow steps in which I have overcome it. It's a race in which I have to win, I have no choice because the reality is that I have too much depending on me to give into it. It has grasped me deeper and stronger than it has ever but I have won this race, at least for the time being I'm stronger than it.

I'm still a work in progress...I have been torn apart but I stand strong on my foundation which has never left me, a foundation in which I'm held tightly by love, my family. No matter how insecure and uncertain I have been it is the security and belief from them that has kept me from completely losing all sense of myself. They are the core strength and hope that keep me going even though I feel as if I have nothing left. They are the ones that depend on me, the ones that keep my light from burning out, the warmth that draws me back in even when I feel as if I have lost my way.

Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.

Hi we need to have a talk

Hi there "Me" are you there? It's been a long time since we talked, I don't think the mental list and running away from what's deep inside constitutes talking. I know you been trying hard, well at least trying hard to run away from the pain but that too will end. Woman to woman you have to understand that this is all a part of life, you know by now as many times as you've fallen on your ass you get right up and kept going. You are a fighter and although you've got a bit more lift up now, you are still you. Sure you've strayed away from the path but that's ok that's all a part of life. We make our own paths as we go along...things change, we change and it's only natural to change. It's ok to be afraid, to be disillusioned, but you've got more than just your babies depending on you. You need you...remember how you wanted for your mother to have a life of her own, one that she could find her own happiness and meaning. You my friend are so much like her and all your fore mothers before. It's the way of womanhood but you know times have changed and you have to go with the flow. Stop fighting the tides of change and release yourself and float along with it. Let it help you along it's choppy waters, if you need to stay within the banks and feel your way until your brave enough to swim on your own.

Just as before you will reach your destiny but it's not about the end but the journey in which it takes you. After all there is no real end, only in death and even then we may have another journey in the ever after. But till you get there you need to start living again, loving again, laughing again, and enjoying life. After all weren't you always the one who saw the glass half full? Remember who you are even with all your insecurities and questions because everything will fall in place. Your life awaits you so start living once again.

All the voices in my head.

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight out forward, that I wouldn't be thinking about things all the time, like my husband. There is no other thoughts, what ifs or questions what he says and feels it what it is, there is no hidden meaning or doubt.

I remember having thoughts (daydreams) starting as a child, no talking to imaginary friends although I did hold many conversations all in my head with people. I would play out scenes, situations where I would be someone else or just me. It kept me occupied, I still do it sometimes but not as much. I guess it maybe a form of escaping although if people are around I would not do it only by myself.

I've thought I was crazy many times although if I was truly crazy I guess I wouldn't think I was crazy. I know I feel too much, that my moods are extreme and from it I write. The pain, guilt, sadness, and emptiness leads me to relieve the pressure that builds from within. It eases some but never really goes away. I dream of being normal or at least what I perceive to be normal, not to have such strong emotions and feelings. In many ways I have gotten better, I stopped being in dysfunctional relationships and realized pain doesn't mean love and security can be boring but being able to depend on your partner means more.

I don't have to second guess whether he is telling me the truth, that he was where he said he was, that he really loves me and his words aren't lies. I remember living my life in pain, full of drama, distrust and question. The emotions were so strong that it did not matter what I felt, but I felt so tired. I could not live my life that way, I had a child depending on me and how could I build a foundation out of lies and deceit. So I moved on, it was hardest thing I ever did leaving him but I had to for my son for me. The pain I had felt from him ripped my heart apart, I felt it ripping through my very being, it seemed surreal. All I wanted was to love him, for him to love me. I thought I could make him change, so I changed, I did more, the harder I tried the further he went away from me. It took awhile for it to snap in but it did.

He punched me in the head, again but this time was the last time. Hell my father had never hit me and there was no way I would let some stupid guy hit me...I had taken the cheating, lying, drinking, drugs and emotional abuse but not this. Somewhere deep within my pathetic shriveled up soul I found my courage and strength to leave him. I look back today its been 14 years since that day and I can not believe that was my life. I feel ashamed for being so pathetic, so pitiful to have loved someone so unworthy of my love, but more than anything I hope my children never feel that type of pain. My greatest fear for them is feeling so bad about themselves that they would not give themselves the chance and dignity to be in such a relationship to begin with. I can say if I had some self esteem, pride or love I would have never been involved with him, with any of them but I did not.

I have so much to say, I start off writing about one thing and it leads into an entire new direction of thought. I didn't start this post thinking I'd write about that part of my life but it was something that needed to be revisited. It doesn't hurt me like it used too or mean as much which I guess means I have healed.

Who I'am

It seems after 36 years I would know who "I'am" but I do not. It seems like every time I felt close to what I thought would me evolved to something I did not recognize or even like. Growing up with insecurities, low self-esteem and uncertainty seemed traits only I had, denying being an child of a immigrant parents made me this way. I remember clearly talking to the school counselor in 7Th grade about trying to kill myself.

My best friend had wrote an paper about her friend who wanted to kill herself...I was that friend so I had to go meet with the school counselor. I was nervous and scared...I don't think I actually drank that day, although at the time it's what got me through these painful years. All I remember was that she (counselor) told me she understood that my pain stemmed from my parents being immigrants....she pissed me off because this was my own self-hatred and had nothing to do with my parents (so I thought). She explained that she too was a daughter of German immigrant parents and she too knew of my pain. I felt anger and hatred for her, what did the hell did she know, she was white she could not know how much I hated being Korean. It wasn't my parents but me, my own self loathing of my small nose, almond eyes, and dark hair not my parents.

I did not understand at the point what impact it had on me and my brothers that my parents were never home. That being a immigrant from Korea did have a huge impact on what we were and who we would become. I never thought of myself as the typical smart Asian student...please I was far from it. My second older brother was smart in that he was very good in math but I did not have that gift. Nope, the only thing I enjoyed doing was reading, writing and drawing. Although I dreamed about being a dancer, singer or an actress. But maybe the Asian in me kept my future in check. It wasn't realistic besides not everyone could make it nor be successful in it. Besides it's not like I had any true talent.

My parents always encouraged us to get good grades, however they did not know how to help us, they did not give us the tools because they did not know. They were too busy trying to survive in a country that was not theirs, raising their children in a culture so different from their own all while scrapping together every cent to buy a home. In the eyes of society they succeeded, they came to the United States with not a cent to their names but accomplished the American Dream. They bought their own home without any help from public assistance. They worked hard for everything the had...they bought cars for their kids when they turned 16 even though they never went out to dinner by themselves. They sacrificed their own lives for their children and family although at the same time they were destroying themselves. It's their self sacrifice that has gave us our lives, this chance.

Looking back at my parents lives (as well as other family members) I understand they have lived their lives from a very different time, not just culturally different. They were from the old school generation who experienced the war, hunger, basic survival so unlike the experiences we faced. To say that we were just influenced by different cultural ideologies and understandings would be a stretch. They were trying to adapt to a new world, new ideas all awhile trying to keep the familiar, trying to instill the virtues and beliefs of yesterday to their children who painfully tried to fit into today.

To say I was the only one to feel the pain and self doubt would be a lie, after coming upon so many personal blogs on the web about other Korean American people, ones who had similar experiences as mine if not the sheer doubt and pain of being different, not being accepted. I realize who "I'am" today results from these experiences, the experiences of my past, of my parent's past, that we are all intertwined together. That the foundation of who we are extends from them and coming from immigrants that do not know their place in a new society it is hard to pass on confidence and ability to their children. But even so many immigrant parents do just that, they pass on roots, foundation of self through tradition those we may have fought so hard against while growing up but now embracing as adults. Some lucky ones have embraced theirs sooner but most have not understood until they too became parents.

Once we became parents we were able to feel the love, fear, pain and joy it meant to have a extension of ourselves. All the dreams and hopes we may have lost long ago were reborn with this new chance. So we slowly began to understand our parents, slowly the words that seemed so repetitive and annoying became wise and precious. We began to understand the words sometimes that seemed cruel or cold came from a warm place of love. Love for us, the love our parents showed us were neither through words or even embraces but through actions, commitment and always standing by us after pushing us down. It is their love for us that kept us going even though we thought we were so alone, they stood beside us.

I realize this now that even though I had my son at 20, not married my parents never kicked me out. They could have after all, parents do it all the time, disowning their children. I wasn't following their rules and did what I wanted but they never abandoned me...sure there were many expressions of disappointment and shame from my mom but they never lost hope in me. They continued to love me not in words or by hugs because that wasn't their way but by keeping me close, supporting me in ways I did not understand.

The parts of me I did not understand or hated became my source of strength and power. From my understanding of my past, my parents history can I face the future, my children's future.

Begging and wishing

It's the cutest thing ever Lucky came to us "pre-owned" and with it we were super lucky to say the least...she came fully potty trained but not only that she also "begs", totally cute and irresistible. As my mom says how can I not give her any food, besides everyone is in love with her. She greets everyone who comes into the house, so friendly gentle and lovable. So she's got a fan club because she has the ability to make everyone she comes in contact with special by giving them attention and love.

We've got family members who never considered owning a dog wanting a dog just like her, my mom said to me "You will giver her to me right since I will be alone?" She actually coos and talks to Lucky like a baby and says Lucky is better than a person because she gets up and runs to the door to greet her. She picks her up and cradles in her arms and of course feeds her even though we tell her not to since although cute as she is "begging" its not a good habit. So as like with all the grandchildren she does not listen to what I say but spoils Lucky. I can get over it after all if spoiling Lucky brings her some joy fine.

I worry about her since she has no other life than working...I actually told her I'd wish she would date. She thinks I'm crazy, she says she will never do that, she is waiting to join my dad. I told her he's probably pimping it up there with a bunch of young women while she is worried about being with him! I can't say I admire that about her but I can understand...I find it sad because her entire life was about her husband and his family. She lived her life as a good daughter-in-law of the eldest son however she expects so little from her own daughter-in-laws, although it seems like I fulfill those needs. I don't mind but I wish she would stop living like a martyr because it's hard having a mother that is so damn self sacrificing and a saint. Cause you know what I'm tired of filling those shoes, I've had more than my share of self sacrificing and abuse. I want me time and not feel guilty about it...I want her to take a new outlook of her life and finally live for herself. So maybe I'm wishing for far more than what can be but maybe just maybe with time she can actually have her own life, one that she wants to live, really live not just waiting to die.

That's my wish for Christmas this year for my mom to want to live, to have a fresh start in a new life that she is able to enjoy and find the joy that could be her life! I believe this will help me in my own life, to live my life as I should, to the fullest without regrets, with hope and desire not just wanting to escape, wishing it to be over, to really live. I do want to live, not to go through the motions but create the life I want to have. To be grateful of all that I'm blessed with, so this Christmas Santa please please bring my mom a real desire to want to live her a life and I promise I will live my own!

Empty

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks have faded away, the storms of anger and pain have all but erased her steps, her former self all but left as a distant memory quickly fading. She is scared of this new person who has emerged, she is confused at who she has become, she hates who she is yet she is unable to change. It sounds so easy to say get off your fat ass and walk back into your life, take hold of what is yours, hold on to it for dear life..so easy because here I sit unable to move. Frozen in this misery unable to move forward or back, just clinging on to the hopelessness that is me. Hating this blob who is me, ashamed of what I have become because looking back I'm survived so much more with so little, yet now when I have more than I ever had I've become so helpless, small and pathetic. Worst of all I fear of what I'm placing into my children, the memories of a dark, angry, irrational mother..one who loses it at a drop of a dime...the ugly truth that is reality. One who waits for her life to happen as she waits for the world to change when in reality it is she who needs to change. I've become the monster I did not wish on anyone, especially the little souls that rely on me to grow as I'm stunting their growth, their development of their self worth and identity.

It has never been harder than today for me to break out of this darkness, this deep fog that chains my soul into this bleakness....I want to break free, to lift my soul to the light, to be lifted of this burden that is I...yet I have failed.

Trapped

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so bad why did she feel this way, why couldn’t she lift herself from this. She had always struggled in the past, regardless of how bad things got she was able to push herself through. Now looking back she didn’t know how she did it but she did, after all she came this far. Now she was stuck, unable to free herself because she did not know what it was that held her. Whatever strength she may have held before was drained, empty and gone….so far gone now. It shouldn’t be this way but it was.

Looking back it would seem there was no such thing as bleakness or resentment but it became very clear to her she felt it. It wasn’t to anyone but for her self, her lack of drive, passion and joy. There was no one to blame and so she accepted it however it didn’t make things better. That’s all she wanted, to feel ok. Yet she wasn’t able to hold on that feeling, yes she did feel ok even great some days but then as soon as it came it left but worse left her lifeless, bleak, numb. It hurt her in ways she was unable to explain, she didn’t want to feel this way but she had no control over it, just like everything else in her life. But one would think one could control their feeling, emotions but hers was so far from that…it was easier to control other people’s emotions and feelings. She always felt good because she could make others feel better, even though she wasn’t able to make herself feel ok she was able to make others feel good…that made her feel ok. But that now slipped far away too after all she was alone at home with her baby. It didn’t make sense why she felt so trapped.

Facing the truth

Ok I know what I need and sometimes it takes for someone else to tell me what I need to do, kinda like permission. Sounds funny and weird but it's true but we/I need someone outside of the situation to clearly tell me what is so obvious. I need my space, I need my sleep, I need me time.

So what am'I going to do about it besides giving it a lot of lip service, I'm going to change my behavior, I know easier said but done but I have to since I really can't stand myself right now.



My plans are to have baby girl sleep on her own, enroll her in the co-op preschool since money isn't of abundance right now, get a job (this will solve many worries) and lose the twenty pounds.

Ok I got my plan and now gotta work out the details but I want to have them all accomplished before Christmas, before the new year.



Here I come goals....ok I'm scared but I will move forward.

Blogging Friends

They say one of the most important things for woman to have are friends, a support system that understands us, that heal us, that laugh, cry and complains with us. But sometimes we lose our life supports, be it through a move, a marriage, a birth of a child, a change in a career or just paths that diverge with time. I believe all the contacts and friendships we make are for a reason, no matter how short or meaningless we may seem to think they are, or not think about them at all.

We met people all the time, mostly from work at this age and we form bonds through similarities or simple respect of each other. But for a woman with children she loses all grasp of those friendship when she becomes a stay at home mom. She not only loses a wage, a career path, but her identity. Even though she swore to herself she would never lose who she was it bound to happen with warmth of this loving little being cuddled inside her arm. Then she takes another vow to protect and fiercely protect this precious gift bestowed in her arms.

All the memories of her life before are forgotten, as the haze of bi-hourly feedings, sore nipples, and constant care of this helpless new creature needing her. Unlike any other relationship she was in before, the love was instant, over whelming and so sweet. This tiny little creature who gave you stretch marks, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and gigantic plugged up ducts came to control you like a puppet. You are only there for this new precious being, any reminisces of your life before this new being is long forgotten.

So your on your way to motherhood, the quiet suffering as you lose all sense of your self, as the body you once knew has long been gone replaced with this big flabby, bumpy, swollen thing that gives life to this amazing being. So you lose friends, and if your lucky you aren't hit with post- pardum depression, and yet even as exhausted. It's all profoundly new and there are times of frustration and tears but still you keep it together enough to get that precious new being to be fed, bathed, clothed and diapered.

You feel so alone and even when you connect with friends with kids or new moms it still feels so alone. You feel like you are the only woman in the world to feel the lack of sleep, the crazy moments of weeping as the hormones change. You feel your world become hazier and hazier and you don't remember the days when you felt energized and awake. It seems like you never knew another life without sore, swollen boobs, diaper changes and spit up. But the sweet, angelic smile of your new being eases the pain, numbs the soul, as you slowly slip away.

Fast forward a few years and now your a full fledged mom, bigger literally and figuratively speaking. The former life before baby seems so far ago and you can't believe it actually was your own. Dance and stay out all night, drink and eat anything without worrying about getting it into the breast milk or to sleep in. So you try not to think about those days so wistfully, and convince yourself you are better, bigger, happier as your role as mom.

But deep inside you slowly die, motherhood kicks in and you know you want to do better than your own parents but unlike them you are bombarded with so much information. Too much structure,not enough, too much attention, not enough, no matter what you do you are guaranteed to screw up your kids. Then all the demons from your past come out, you are doing the things you swore you would never do with your kids, you are becoming your parent or worse you do not know how to parent, but your children have all run of your house because you are too afraid to discipline because you want to be their friend.

You become a angry because you are lost, you have given yourself completely to the point that there is nothing left to give. There is only a shell of your former self but you guilt yourself to do better, after all to be a mother is to be a martyr. Your laughter and smiles are lost replaced by frowns and screams. The wall of guilt grows higher and higher and we are forced to punish ourselves even more. After all we are our worst critics and we know we are crazy, we are the worst moms out there and that's all we are.

We have no self confidence, we cant wait until the kids go to school yet we are scared because can we go back to our former selves? Can we even get a job let alone a career? You know you can't stay at home once the kids are at school, a tiny part of you deep inside wants that desire and spark to be more. But you are so scared, you know logically you can go back but that still doesn't change the self doubt. Being a mother has strengthened you in ways you never thought possible, looking at poop and changing it without gagging, picking boogers with your bare hands, wiping up vomit without wanting to purge yourself but yet you are afraid.

Your life consists of reading the news online, then blogs and then one day you find yourself reading about other moms who actually had similar moments like you, even questioning their own sanity. They aren't stating motherhood isn't a bunch of bubbles, butterflies and rainbows but it sucks sometimes...ok a lot of the times. So the first time in a long time you feel a connection, you even have to look around because you are laughing out loud, feeling giddy and even good. Your newly acquired addiction has started and you log on daily, even in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.

You connect with these people you don't know, yet you feel their pain, disappointment and frustrations because they are like your own. You are finally able to relate you are not the only one in the world, that there are many like you out there and they are expressing themselves, baring their souls. So this motivates you to do the same, you start your own blog. You pick a anonymous name, something that can portray what you are feeling and you start writing. You keep reading others blogs, find inspiration to deal with your own demons. And then you do it, you reach out via a email or a comment because something has moved you enough. You are scared yet you feel the overwhelming pull to connect with this person, this person whom you seem to care so deeply about. A faceless person you haven't met but want to know because they are you. They convey the same feelings and thoughts you yourself have felt so many times before and you don't want them to feel that way. So in ways as you reach out to them you are reaching out to yourself.

Blogging friends are special and dear because we aren't forced to befriend them, we aren't obligated to respond if we don't want too, we choose to accept them when we are ready. This is to my new blogging friend Kia, thank you for reaching out and giving me this opportunity for our friendship.

The Things That Move Us

I know everyone has things that moves them to tears, anger, joy, envy, exhilaration and pride. Sometimes it occurs with age but usually with experience. It shapes us to feel things differently than we did before. Be it shame as a child being scolded for something we did, the kiss of our first love, the anger of being called a name in the school yard or the simple joy of seeing a pretty flower. Whatever it may be this is what connects us to others, the experiences and feelings we associate with these life passing. Not always good, some traumatic but these are the things that allow us to empathize with others. Only sociopaths and deviants are unable to feel for others, unable to see beyond their own desires and needs.

But some times in life we all fail to see others needs before our own and we fulfill our own desires. In some cases these people are seen as smart, successful, men. But others are selfish, cold, bitches, women. This is the standard in our society, in many societies. Even when a woman succeeds to the top she is seen differently, called names, treated differently than a man, then she in turns becomes extra hard, cold and even ruthless. There is a double standard in this world, as much as we may study it, show proof of it, it will never really cease to stop. As much as we educate ourselves about such treatment, we all play a role in it. Only a very few actually live their lives by what they preach.

It is the easy way, after all if you are a woman speaking out against such treatment you will be isolated, torn down and tossed aside. It's a daunting task, like David and Goliath and at times the little guy does win but for every win there are thousands of more injustices that occur. But this doesn't stop the hopeful, the young, the ones who haven't turned bitter and disgusted. Rarely a few older souls stay bright, hopeful and untainted by the foul tastes life bring on.

They are the ones that are moved by the wonder and beauty of the morning sun, the joy and delight in a child's laugh, the devotion and faith in love. They give us hope to remember before the weight on our shoulders brought us down, the pain that defeated us, the shame we felt, the doubt we felt, the loss of hope. Sometimes its hard to see the sun through the thick haze of doubt, sometimes we all need a reminder of the things that moved us.

I'am human

to be human is to make mistakes,
to be human is to have regrets,
to be human is to learn from those mistakes,
to be human is not repeat those mistakes,
to be human is to make them again,
to be human is to move forward,
to be human is to move two steps back,
to be human is to be imperfect,
to be human is wanting perfection,
to be human is striving,
to be human is deciding,
to be human is enlightening,
to be human is what I want to be,
to be in pain,
to be imperfect,
to be moving forward,
to be regretting,
to be learning,
to be enlightened,
to accept I'am human.

Yet another week has past.

It's already Friday although since I stopped working its not quite the same as before. Weekends were for shopping, laundry, cleaning...no wait it is the same but now I go to my mom's house and work. Today is my cleaning/laundry day, but I say that very loosely since I haven't cleaned anything but I did three loads of laundry. Half way true so yeah I'm on schedule...pms is on schedule and kicking my ass like usual. Gotta love the clock work as the "craziness" rears its ugly head.
I really believe there should be a pms pass where a woman can leave her home (children, spouse/sig. other, mess) for a week to somewhere preferably tropical, with warm sands, water, tanned topless waiters (21-25 years of age) serving drinks and cravings all while receiving massages. Which of course is mandatory otherwise your pass would be void. :) Or if you prefer a cooler climate somewhere in the snow covered alps, lounging in a thick terry clothed robe drinking hot chocolate, coffee (spiked with alcohol) or whatever your hearts desire. Of course being served hand and foot by some hot, young service boy. Just like the tropics only in a warm and cozy resort just for pms'd mom's of course. Lots of food any kind you can possible imagine and best part yet no phones, blackberries...etc.

Ok sign me up, I'm there. Hell make it only a weekend, two nights two whole days, without any guilt from my kids, husband, family and mostly myself! Cause you know we can guilt ourselves better (besides our Korean moms) than anyone else can. Well that was nice fantasy...hey it's even tamed the pms...maybe its like meditation, transport yourself to your good place, inhale, exhale...breathe.

Going with the flow.....

I've been busy going back and forth to my mom's house every week now since my uncle died. I can't believe its been over a month now and even though I saw him pass away before my eyes it still seem surreal. I guess death is like that, even when you actually experience it first hand, well that is watching someone pass on. Having two deaths in such a short period of time sucks to say the very least, this time though I'm better prepared...sounds off but its true, we all know what to expect, what to do, I have been on auto pilot going through the motions, taking care of things.



In ways it's helped me being on this schedule of having to go to my mom's and staying for three or more days. When we are there I keep busy, clean the house, do yard work, pay bills and finish fixing up the house. This week we have to finish painting, put up the new light fixture and the one room is done. We are going to power wash the outside, look for cracks in the foundation and patch them up, besides doing the weekly mowing and edging of the grass. My husbands been great, he has been doing all the work himself even though its a first for him but he's done a great job so far. He's closed off a door from the den to the kitchen so we can make it to a real room, which we have always used it as, but now its complete and looks damn good if I say so myself. This is the first time for him for doing dry wall and such. .



I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who doesn't bitch or complain. He has to do work for his in-laws, never heard him complain. Even though my own brother doesn't ever come to help do anything let alone offer. He wants minimal to no contact with my mom and aunt. But of course he gets tons of compliments and such for sit he doesn't do...go figure.



Anyways this is a rant about the lamn Korean culture of coddling their sons but of how things have been ok so far. That keeping busy has helped me although my house has been on shafted, good thing its new and doesn't need much up keep although I could do some pruning and dead heading of some flowers. But its not a major issue.