The Year of Change

So I 've made up my mind to change, ok so it's been a long time coming but this year,2011 I will really make the steps to work on all the things that I need to change, to improve, to grow, to hopefully better myself. So 2011 has already started and it's officially January 18th today I start.

I will write every day on paper, not just here but use a pen or pencil on paper regardless of what it is. This means it can be a sentence but most likely more because I've also included that I need to write two words a day because I'm a terrible speller and this means getting the definition and maybe even the synonym too and of course spell it correctly! My change will have to do with our finances in which means i will get a job, to be conscious (yes this one os my two words today!) of how we spend and of what I eat, do and say. Yes to live in the moment, today not yesterday or tomorrow but today, the here and now.

This also means I will lose weight and maintain it, meaning so I can fit into my old clothes which relates to I will not purchase any clothes at all this year. I will either have to fit into what I have or to fix it so it will fit. This also goes for buying stuff we need to "stock" up on since we only have 5 cans left not the 15 we usually have in the pantry. I have to admit when it comes to food we are hoarders...well not like the crazy ones on tv but to the point we are well stocked on certain pantry items. So instead of buying things cause we ran low I will be consciously shopping only on things we need now. I really let the finances go to hell last year, I was tired of shopping for deals and coupons. It felt good not to worry about the budget although in the back of my mind I was worried. But I did learn to not listen to that inner voice.

In ways not listening to the inner voice has been good in ways although in otters not so. So I guess

Puff puff

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in the back. The sick part was they were for my dad...well for him when we visited his plot, as a way of showing respect. I know very sick and distorted since that is what killed him but I guess in tradition you are to take the things that the person enjoyed in their life. I stopped going to see him because I guess I really don't think he is there.

I guess it's timely since tomorrow is his birthday, January 13 and I have to go to my mom's house to cook food for Chesa. I don't know if it's that or just my standard crazy ass PMS but I feel so crappy this week. Although walking makes me feel so much better but that fades quickly after a few hours. But the desire for that cigarette is there. Although I don't want the initial puff in which I become light headed and get a headache..that sucks but the so called relief I get from sucking in the smoke which feels like it's relaxing me in reality it is but it's really killing me. I want that sensation, I know it's false but it's a craving that's been there for the last few months. I picture myself going to the store to buy a pack so I can have my emergency death stick. But even if I was to do so the first few cigarettes would only make me feel nauseous and sick...to feel the satisfaction wouldn't come until my body fully becomes acclimated to the death vapors. So instead I'm writing about it. (Sigh)

All the voices in my head.

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight out forward, that I wouldn't be thinking about things all the time, like my husband. There is no other thoughts, what ifs or questions what he says and feels it what it is, there is no hidden meaning or doubt.

I remember having thoughts (daydreams) starting as a child, no talking to imaginary friends although I did hold many conversations all in my head with people. I would play out scenes, situations where I would be someone else or just me. It kept me occupied, I still do it sometimes but not as much. I guess it maybe a form of escaping although if people are around I would not do it only by myself.

I've thought I was crazy many times although if I was truly crazy I guess I wouldn't think I was crazy. I know I feel too much, that my moods are extreme and from it I write. The pain, guilt, sadness, and emptiness leads me to relieve the pressure that builds from within. It eases some but never really goes away. I dream of being normal or at least what I perceive to be normal, not to have such strong emotions and feelings. In many ways I have gotten better, I stopped being in dysfunctional relationships and realized pain doesn't mean love and security can be boring but being able to depend on your partner means more.

I don't have to second guess whether he is telling me the truth, that he was where he said he was, that he really loves me and his words aren't lies. I remember living my life in pain, full of drama, distrust and question. The emotions were so strong that it did not matter what I felt, but I felt so tired. I could not live my life that way, I had a child depending on me and how could I build a foundation out of lies and deceit. So I moved on, it was hardest thing I ever did leaving him but I had to for my son for me. The pain I had felt from him ripped my heart apart, I felt it ripping through my very being, it seemed surreal. All I wanted was to love him, for him to love me. I thought I could make him change, so I changed, I did more, the harder I tried the further he went away from me. It took awhile for it to snap in but it did.

He punched me in the head, again but this time was the last time. Hell my father had never hit me and there was no way I would let some stupid guy hit me...I had taken the cheating, lying, drinking, drugs and emotional abuse but not this. Somewhere deep within my pathetic shriveled up soul I found my courage and strength to leave him. I look back today its been 14 years since that day and I can not believe that was my life. I feel ashamed for being so pathetic, so pitiful to have loved someone so unworthy of my love, but more than anything I hope my children never feel that type of pain. My greatest fear for them is feeling so bad about themselves that they would not give themselves the chance and dignity to be in such a relationship to begin with. I can say if I had some self esteem, pride or love I would have never been involved with him, with any of them but I did not.

I have so much to say, I start off writing about one thing and it leads into an entire new direction of thought. I didn't start this post thinking I'd write about that part of my life but it was something that needed to be revisited. It doesn't hurt me like it used too or mean as much which I guess means I have healed.

Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.

Trapped

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so bad why did she feel this way, why couldn’t she lift herself from this. She had always struggled in the past, regardless of how bad things got she was able to push herself through. Now looking back she didn’t know how she did it but she did, after all she came this far. Now she was stuck, unable to free herself because she did not know what it was that held her. Whatever strength she may have held before was drained, empty and gone….so far gone now. It shouldn’t be this way but it was.

Looking back it would seem there was no such thing as bleakness or resentment but it became very clear to her she felt it. It wasn’t to anyone but for her self, her lack of drive, passion and joy. There was no one to blame and so she accepted it however it didn’t make things better. That’s all she wanted, to feel ok. Yet she wasn’t able to hold on that feeling, yes she did feel ok even great some days but then as soon as it came it left but worse left her lifeless, bleak, numb. It hurt her in ways she was unable to explain, she didn’t want to feel this way but she had no control over it, just like everything else in her life. But one would think one could control their feeling, emotions but hers was so far from that…it was easier to control other people’s emotions and feelings. She always felt good because she could make others feel better, even though she wasn’t able to make herself feel ok she was able to make others feel good…that made her feel ok. But that now slipped far away too after all she was alone at home with her baby. It didn’t make sense why she felt so trapped.