Grateful

I can't believe how fast this year has passed and how much has changed and yet remained the same. It's already December 7th, 34 days till my son ships off to Navy boot camp. I guess that is why the days seem to slip by so fast even though we had 6 months till January 10th. I guess it has given me time to grieve and now finally accept his choice and actually feel confident in the path he has chosen. I find it funny that as strict and controlling as I was when he was a child now that he has grown into a young man his choices are his, sure I gave him my opinion and thoughts but ultimately it is his choice to make. After all he has grown into a mature and intelligent young man who thinks for himself and has not fallen to the path of typical teenagers, as I did. I'm so proud of him and so sad as I see my baby bird is ready to fly out of the nest...wow 18 years seem so short, after all this is coming from the boy who wanted to live at home as long as he could and now he is already leaving wanting to be a man.

Even though he leaves I hope he understands this is his home forever, although one chapter has closed that does not mean he cannot return to home, his home, us. One day he will make his own family and create his own home but even then I hope he realizes he will always have us, that the doors to his childhood home are always open.


With much dismay I'm riding this roller coaster called life, with all the bad there has to be a good, so I'm trying to see the positive. My baby girl had a seizure one month ago exactly, the fact she still sleeps in our room (in her own bed) and that I have insomnia and I happened to hear her gasping for air and saw her having a seizure otherwise would have been unknown to us. She had an EEG with sleep deprivation and it came out abnormal with activity in her left temporal lobe behind her ear so she had an MRI which came out normal. The tests itself were stressful besides going through this process in which the answers so vague and unknown. She has been a trooper even doing the MRI without being sedated even though the pediatrician recommended it since it is so scary for little kids. But just with a few tears she was able to do the MRI the first time around. She has come far especially since her fear of doctors and hospitals. But I guess the fact she had been exposed to the doctors and hospital, x-rays and surgery for a broken arm in September prepared her for all this.

The positive is she is getting her fear over doctors which is a must since she has seizures, so she has a seizure disorder. Even though the neurologist didn't tell me the name for what she has I believe it is Panayiotopoulos Syndrome. She had vomited in her sleep on four different times and did not remember it was all in her sleep and her eyes were wide open looked to one direction. I hope this is what she has and that she will grow out of it. We are putting her on medication so she will not have anymore since the more seizures that occur the higher the frequency for seizures to reoccur.

At this point I'm numb otherwise I would be a wreck, I have been able to keep myself composed in front of her and I do not think about it because I can't. I'm taking it day by day, one step at a time. That is the only way to cope, to be strong, after all I'm her mother and the one who needs take care of her.

On this one month mark she is back in her own bed and I don't keep touching her to see if she is breathing or reach for her every time she moves or makes a sound. Although if she dreams I will talk to her and comfort her so she wont seize again since that is how it started last time. She was having a dream saying no, no, no and then that's when her breathing became raspy and shallow and she started shaking. The worst feeling for any parent is when their child is sick or hurt and there is nothing you can do to make them feel better. To watch her seize made me feel so helpless and so scared for her...I prayed that night, to God to my ancestors...to make her better to take away all my babies pain and hurt and to give it to me. I can take it all, just spare my babies.

So with a heavy heart but a gleam of hope I'm grateful for my children, that baby girl's brain is normal and that she will be the one that grow out of her seizures and that my son stays safe and finds the path he is seeking for.

Birthday's and failure

It's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days as the depression has left me and I'm conducting my life with a clear head. But I realized I took away from my son the one thing I wanted him to know he would always have and that is we, I would always be here for him. That he could always come home if he ever wanted to venture off, not that once he turned 18 his ass was out, not that he was a burden to me, not that he could feel safe and confident that this was his home always. So he wants to leave be on his own, so he can feel secure in that he has a place to be without feeling like if he doesn't do something he will be out on his own.

Sure we gotten into some arguments and I told him if he didn't like our rules to leave but I had no idea he really believed this. I guess the fact remains that I have failed ultimately as a parent in that I could not provided my child with the one security that I would always be here for him. Even though I told him otherwise I guess the seed has been planted and so he seems to believe this. He wants to join the military, not sure which branch yet but he is determined to be on his own and not be a burden on me anymore. I guess he will not realize maybe till he is a parent one day I will always care and worry about him no matter how old he gets, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I hope somehow he will be able to find confidence and security in me that he once had. So I wish him a happy birthday and I die inside as he really does slip away.

Parenting

Baby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my commitment of hour of reading, cleaning, helping with the art projects and then making copies for the 6 first grade classes. So I'm over done, baked, burnt, toasted just so over it. I still have to bake cookies for their Valentine's Day party on Monday besides helping them with the party. Usually I'm not such a grump but quite chirpy and so agreeable as I say yes to everything that is asked of me as what else would I be doing since I'm not working a real job.

I feel useless and the job I'm doing as a parent I seem to be failing rapidly. My son doesn't want to college as he seeks to remind me of every opportunity he has. The sad part is he is really a smart kid, not that just cause he is my kid..hell More like the opposite but he says he hates school...yadda yadda and it isn't for him and he doesn't know what he wants to do. In reality I really do listen to what he has to say maybe too much because I try to work with him. Instead of going straight to a four year college he was going to a community college and transfer but then he wanted to take a year off to travel and just the other night how he isn't made for school. So what does a mother do..he tells me he hates school..shit I hated school..but he doesn't get most people who go hate it but it's about jumping through the hoops, staying with something, finishing the commitment. Although as this point I really want to jump this ship on I'm on called parenting. I tell him I understand but he is the typical teenager who only sees what he wants right now and doesn't get the future is way different than what he thinks of it now. So what do you tell a kid who thinks he has life all figured out..sometimes I think I should have gone with the old school of parenting of not listening to your kids or talking to them but just telling them what to do without any back talk!

Parenting really sucks and I want out!

The Calm Before The Storm

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of pain, turmoil and fear. Things you hoped that you had left behind, the things you wanted to keep in the past, things you thought wouldn't hurt you again but that is what happens before the storm...the calm fools you into thinking everything will be ok.

The last few months have been my calm...finally feeling alive, normal not suffocated by the fog, unable to feel anything but dullness and dread but to feel the sunlight, the warmth, to hear the laughter, to feel relief and even anger. But the feelings weren't tainted by the depression, they were real and they were mine again. But the storm has brewed and is trying to drag me under again. I don't want it to take over but I feel the darkness, the anger, pain and fears. I want to cry, explode and hide all at the same time. My triggers of the past has traumatized me far more than I realized. It's funny to be able to label my symptoms, to recognize what my problem however to fix it is another story.

A week and and half after my father died baby girl was scheduled to get her teeth fixed. She was born with little to no enamel on her baby teeth and even though she was breastfeed exclusively till her second birthday her teeth were decayed and she was unable to eat anything due to the sensitivity and pain. At 18 months we had taken her to a pediatric dentist who had ripped out her front four teeth without any anaesthetic. I was horrified to say the least as I sat in the back seat trying to comfort her as her gums bleed. I held back my tears, wiping her tears trying to comfort all awhile holding in my angry at the so called pediatric dentist. There was no way I was coming to get the rest of the work done. I guess I should have realized how shitty the place was the first time when they forced her down and clamped her mouth shut to get the x-rays. Even that day she was sacred to death calling for me wanting her "mamas", my breasts her comfort. But our crappy HMO only covered this dentist that was in another town from us. But we went to another pediatric dentist in town even if we had to pay on our own.

She needed to be put to sleep because she needed extensive work, she needed caps on all her molars and spacers on the top for when her permanent teeth came in. Just the anesthetic would start at $500 requiring the full deposit since it was actually Dr who cam to do that part. It took over two and half hours...but more than that I was in shock due to my father's death a week and half earlier.

Baby girl was in deep fear of anyone is scrubs and cried and held me tighter to her...the anesthesiologist came from behind and gave her a shot in her arm to make her fall asleep. She was out within min. and he carried her to the room. We waited feeling relieved that we didn't hear her screams this time. She laid in my arms as she woke still scared but little did we know this was only the beginning of the nightmare.

We went home and as she laid in my arms she fell asleep...half an hour later she jolted up crying, screaming, her eyes were open with a glazed look. Even though I held her she couldn't see me but kept on screaming and crying. She was still sleeping but awake...she was having night terrors. We tired to wake her, put cold water on her feet but she would keep screaming and crying and then suddenly stop. This went on every time she fell asleep. So she was unable to completely fall asleep. I looked online and found that after being put to sleep this happened to some other kids but there was not much on it. I told her dentist but they looked at me like I was crazy. Why is that every time you tell doctors about something that is happening they look at you as if your are lying.

She went through a week and half of this..we all had no sleep we were exhausted to say the least, I hadn't had much sleep since she was born because she slept with us and I had let her feed on demand. So sleep was a stranger to me but night time, sleep became a fear to me. What made the night terrors stop was her next visit to the dentist when they would put in her spacers. Naturally she was scared to death and cried as they sat her down, she didn't want to open her mouth, she started screaming and crying so the dentist needed four other assistant to hold her down so she could put the spacer in. I think the inability for baby girl to scream and express her fears when she was put to sleep made her have the night terrors but when she was able to fight, scream for her life she stopped having the night terrors. That night she finally fell asleep without waking up, we were finally able to sleep.

Since her visit to the dentist she had extreme fear of all doctors and anyone in scrubs. I guess it didn't help that she was with me in the hospital when my dad was in there. She has far too much exposure to the hospital and death at such a young age. She watched me trying to feed my dad, imitating me telling him to eat. She would repeat the same words, brushing away my tears looking up at me trying to comfort me. So her fear of anyone in scrubs was natural, but every visit to the doctors office was hell for me...she would start to shake, sweat and then cry. You could see the fear in her little face...I would start to sweat and feel nauseous. I hated going to the doctor..luckily she didn't required many trips to the doctors or dentist. We skipped the annual cleanings to the dentist and because I could not go in there with out sweating and feeling sick to my own stomach.

I noticed her gums would swell and bleed, the gums around her capped molars..it worried me cause I thought they were rotting inside and she would need to go to the dentist again. The hubby took her for a check up and they said it looked fine..she was scared but they went slowly, it had been over a year since the battle with the spacer and she came along with us on our dental appointments. I guess the fact she was able to express herself in words helped because slowly her fear was going away. But I didn't go with her, I couldn't so hubby would take her and I would take her to medical check ups.

We changed from HMO to PPO even though we had to pay an extra $100 every month because the HMO did not have our dentist. I had thought baby girl would need more work on her teeth from the swelling of her gums but the dentist didn't say anything nor did the hubby mention anything to the dentist. I guess I should have gone because he doesn't ask much. Her last visit to the dentist was very successful, they were able to clean her teeth with the polisher and even take x-rays. But her x-rays showed her permanent molars were coming up in angle against her baby molars. The dentist said she never saw anything like it. It also looked like she was missing a pair of molars but she had to come back when her regular dentist was there.

I guess I had really hoped she would not have anymore issues with her teeth even though I saw the swollen gums. Her next visit confirmed my fears and worst. Her jaw bones were not growing and were thin besides the permanent molars coming in crooked. The stranger part was she was having gum loss around the molars, something they had never seen in someone her age. So we were referred to the oral surgeon because even though they could extract her molars they wanted a biopsy of her gums to see what the problem was. Yes here was our storm, my fear came true but far more than I thought.

When you are told there is something wrong with your child you feel guilty. Even though you may have not had any control over it you feel like it is your fault. Even though she was born without any enamel on her teeth the dentist looked at me like it was my fault. Like I was giving her juice or candy every day without brushing. So every day I feel like I'm judged as a horrible parent because my child has metal caps in her mouth and missing teeth. They had told me that sometimes it just happens that the bay teeth does not form correctly but the permanent teeth would be fine. But now they were telling me her jaw one wasn't growing properly, that she was missing permanent teeth and worse yet she was having gums issues.

Shit I should have taken my pre-natal vitamins even though I felt sick from taking them, maybe that is why I had caused this on her. But my mom never took any and we had no issues with our teeth. So many different things have run through my head, I looked up any genetic disorders with teeth issues but found nothing. So even logically I know it isn't my fault I feel that I'm responsible.

The oral surgeon confirmed what I thought maybe the cause of Baby girls teeth problems, she was allergic to caps. That is why her gums and jaw bones were not growing in the areas of the capped molars. So the solution was to remove the caps/molars before they did anymore damage to her permanent teeth. She would need braces later but the main concern now was to get rid of the caps.

Yes that would mean no molars for her to chew with, it didn't make things easier that she already had her front top teeth pulled so she can't bit into anything nor chew hard, tough things. "I've never seen a toothless person starve", that is what the oral surgeon said when she asked how would she eat. It would be bothersome but she wasn't going to starve as he said. Her permanent molar was already coming in so hopefully all her teeth would come in sooner than later. Till then I will have to cut everything up for her.

I started this post because since her appointment with the oral surgeon I have felt the fear, anxiety and bad memories flood back. Even that day at the appointment I felt uneasy and nervous...I started sweating. I realize all the negativity and pain associated with her dental issues has been tied with my father's death. So I'm relieving the pain again...I feel the anxiety and fear. I'm scared even though it will be fine..I feel irritated and sad at the same time. So I had to write out my fears of what is going on in my mind. To make things worst for her this Friday was her class Thanksgiving party since this is the last week of school before break. Yes the budget cuts effected schools to close for a entire week for Thanksgiving instead of a few days. So besides getting her teeth removed she will miss her class party. I wanted to reschedule but I know it's better to get it over with then wait. So instead today we will make rainbow cupcakes for her class to share with tomorrow.


This is my storm, one that reaches deep within that grips my deepest fears and pain. One where I cannot control the pain of my child, where I'am left feeling helpless and useless. So I have been frozen in fear, in anguish unable to tell anyone of my fears. Trying to think positive, wishing the days would fly by and it would all be over and she was healing. That we were both healing and that the pain would scab over and the wound underneath would grow back stronger with the scar. I don't think the scar would ever fade but at least it would cover that hole. I want to move forward, I don't want to be frozen in fear, living in dread. I hope for the best and do not want the worst.

1st Day of Kindergarten.

Today is baby girl's first day of kindergarten and even though I couldn't wait till she started I'am sad. I guess it's bitter sweet since it's an end of a era, end of her needing me so much awhile I felt so suffocated. I'm guilty of wanting my own life, my freedom knowing well enough the day would come where I would feel sad when she left my side. Finally the day has arrived, today is that day of my freedom from her constant where are you mommy, I love you mommy, mommy mommy...all the sounds I dreaded as the replayed over and over. And now I'm left feeling empty and sad...feeling guilty and sad. Silly and stupid..but then I cried even when I took my oldest to school. Guess it's a tradition for me.

Her eyes filled up with tears, as her little face became red and distressed knowing I would leave. She kept on saying please dont leave me mama, please stay....I swallowed back the lump in my throat..not wanting her to see my eyes tear up. The teacher saw she was distressed and asked her to sit by her. And I walked away...she looked at me and I smiled and turned away.

Yes a new era has started, I have my life back but I just realized she is my life.

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.

All the voices in my head.

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight out forward, that I wouldn't be thinking about things all the time, like my husband. There is no other thoughts, what ifs or questions what he says and feels it what it is, there is no hidden meaning or doubt.

I remember having thoughts (daydreams) starting as a child, no talking to imaginary friends although I did hold many conversations all in my head with people. I would play out scenes, situations where I would be someone else or just me. It kept me occupied, I still do it sometimes but not as much. I guess it maybe a form of escaping although if people are around I would not do it only by myself.

I've thought I was crazy many times although if I was truly crazy I guess I wouldn't think I was crazy. I know I feel too much, that my moods are extreme and from it I write. The pain, guilt, sadness, and emptiness leads me to relieve the pressure that builds from within. It eases some but never really goes away. I dream of being normal or at least what I perceive to be normal, not to have such strong emotions and feelings. In many ways I have gotten better, I stopped being in dysfunctional relationships and realized pain doesn't mean love and security can be boring but being able to depend on your partner means more.

I don't have to second guess whether he is telling me the truth, that he was where he said he was, that he really loves me and his words aren't lies. I remember living my life in pain, full of drama, distrust and question. The emotions were so strong that it did not matter what I felt, but I felt so tired. I could not live my life that way, I had a child depending on me and how could I build a foundation out of lies and deceit. So I moved on, it was hardest thing I ever did leaving him but I had to for my son for me. The pain I had felt from him ripped my heart apart, I felt it ripping through my very being, it seemed surreal. All I wanted was to love him, for him to love me. I thought I could make him change, so I changed, I did more, the harder I tried the further he went away from me. It took awhile for it to snap in but it did.

He punched me in the head, again but this time was the last time. Hell my father had never hit me and there was no way I would let some stupid guy hit me...I had taken the cheating, lying, drinking, drugs and emotional abuse but not this. Somewhere deep within my pathetic shriveled up soul I found my courage and strength to leave him. I look back today its been 14 years since that day and I can not believe that was my life. I feel ashamed for being so pathetic, so pitiful to have loved someone so unworthy of my love, but more than anything I hope my children never feel that type of pain. My greatest fear for them is feeling so bad about themselves that they would not give themselves the chance and dignity to be in such a relationship to begin with. I can say if I had some self esteem, pride or love I would have never been involved with him, with any of them but I did not.

I have so much to say, I start off writing about one thing and it leads into an entire new direction of thought. I didn't start this post thinking I'd write about that part of my life but it was something that needed to be revisited. It doesn't hurt me like it used too or mean as much which I guess means I have healed.

The truth is in front of us.....

Finally the entertaining and family get together are over and I can take a breather. It wasn't so bad as I pictured in my warped mind but nice and fun. Even though I had budgeted for Christmas I blew the budget, I didn't want to stress over the money and decided I would just deal with it when the bills came. Besides we are already in debt and I wanted to have a less stressful Christmas...hell we can't have a budget when we got guests to entertain! But be it in the universe, star whatever it all worked it self out. I got some serious money for my birthday...all in cash so that helped, and the hubby got his bonus (rumor was there wasn't one this year) so even with property taxes, homeowners insurance and auto insurance and the holidays we did ok.

I'm relieved its all over...I'm hoping for a better year and so far it's been ok. Today we took the kids out for a hike and it was really nice to get out and sweat. I packed some sandwiches and snacks and ate on the trial, there was a water fall..small but nice. My cousin and her family joined us, I think we must have hiked like 5 miles or so, with a baby and two preschoolers so that in itself was a feat besides our asses not being in shape. I even signed up baby girl for a gymnastics class for every Tuesday for 6 weeks so I'm trying to venture out and spend time with her, besides I need to get her ready for kindergarten since we will be sending her in September. She is so ready I can tell, that's one thing I need to do and that is pay attention to her needs. I haven't done all the things I did with my son, I guess you do become more relaxed after each child. I 'm not worried though...I'm not obsessing over her learning her ABC's or 123's or any of that shit. I figure she will learn fine at school...I'm not worried.


I realized most of my anxiety and depression extends from trying to control my mom's life, well that is protecting her and shielding her even though it's not possible. I have over extended myself in trying to do everything all while neglecting my own kids and husband. Following in my parents footsteps in taking care of others instead of focusing on my own kids and my needs. Change is hard but we get to a point where we must either accept it as it is or change ourselves. It can't go on like this forever because we know that is not possible, it never is. I don't think its possible that one day it just clicks but gradually it does. We get to the point where we can't, we won't let it go on further. We've reached our breaking point and one way or another it has to change because things can't go on anymore as they have. Sure ignoring it going through the motions only last or so long...the damn is going to burst only so many attempts in patching the leaks till the damn comes crumbling down.

I've reached the breaking point and I'm working on me, I don't like what I've become but more so I don't want this to be the mom my kids remember. So I choose to live my life the way I should, the life I want to live...I want to live that way because after all we have only one life. I don't want to regret anymore, I don't want to look back and think wow i wasted all those years when I could have done the things I wanted too. So I choose to move forward and in the direction I want, not let it pull me. I'm giving myself a chance.

Begging and wishing

It's the cutest thing ever Lucky came to us "pre-owned" and with it we were super lucky to say the least...she came fully potty trained but not only that she also "begs", totally cute and irresistible. As my mom says how can I not give her any food, besides everyone is in love with her. She greets everyone who comes into the house, so friendly gentle and lovable. So she's got a fan club because she has the ability to make everyone she comes in contact with special by giving them attention and love.

We've got family members who never considered owning a dog wanting a dog just like her, my mom said to me "You will giver her to me right since I will be alone?" She actually coos and talks to Lucky like a baby and says Lucky is better than a person because she gets up and runs to the door to greet her. She picks her up and cradles in her arms and of course feeds her even though we tell her not to since although cute as she is "begging" its not a good habit. So as like with all the grandchildren she does not listen to what I say but spoils Lucky. I can get over it after all if spoiling Lucky brings her some joy fine.

I worry about her since she has no other life than working...I actually told her I'd wish she would date. She thinks I'm crazy, she says she will never do that, she is waiting to join my dad. I told her he's probably pimping it up there with a bunch of young women while she is worried about being with him! I can't say I admire that about her but I can understand...I find it sad because her entire life was about her husband and his family. She lived her life as a good daughter-in-law of the eldest son however she expects so little from her own daughter-in-laws, although it seems like I fulfill those needs. I don't mind but I wish she would stop living like a martyr because it's hard having a mother that is so damn self sacrificing and a saint. Cause you know what I'm tired of filling those shoes, I've had more than my share of self sacrificing and abuse. I want me time and not feel guilty about it...I want her to take a new outlook of her life and finally live for herself. So maybe I'm wishing for far more than what can be but maybe just maybe with time she can actually have her own life, one that she wants to live, really live not just waiting to die.

That's my wish for Christmas this year for my mom to want to live, to have a fresh start in a new life that she is able to enjoy and find the joy that could be her life! I believe this will help me in my own life, to live my life as I should, to the fullest without regrets, with hope and desire not just wanting to escape, wishing it to be over, to really live. I do want to live, not to go through the motions but create the life I want to have. To be grateful of all that I'm blessed with, so this Christmas Santa please please bring my mom a real desire to want to live her a life and I promise I will live my own!

Empty

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks have faded away, the storms of anger and pain have all but erased her steps, her former self all but left as a distant memory quickly fading. She is scared of this new person who has emerged, she is confused at who she has become, she hates who she is yet she is unable to change. It sounds so easy to say get off your fat ass and walk back into your life, take hold of what is yours, hold on to it for dear life..so easy because here I sit unable to move. Frozen in this misery unable to move forward or back, just clinging on to the hopelessness that is me. Hating this blob who is me, ashamed of what I have become because looking back I'm survived so much more with so little, yet now when I have more than I ever had I've become so helpless, small and pathetic. Worst of all I fear of what I'm placing into my children, the memories of a dark, angry, irrational mother..one who loses it at a drop of a dime...the ugly truth that is reality. One who waits for her life to happen as she waits for the world to change when in reality it is she who needs to change. I've become the monster I did not wish on anyone, especially the little souls that rely on me to grow as I'm stunting their growth, their development of their self worth and identity.

It has never been harder than today for me to break out of this darkness, this deep fog that chains my soul into this bleakness....I want to break free, to lift my soul to the light, to be lifted of this burden that is I...yet I have failed.

Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.

Sometimes I feel like writing, I have lots to get off my chest but then other times nothing. I have no inspiration what so ever to write anything, I follow all my blogs with earnest and dedication but I have nothing. Sometimes more than not I seem to be flat, no real emotion, like if I'm in energy conservation mode. It seem easier, I guess I'm used to be being brain dead since its been a few years I have been on this hiatus but I really believe I need to go back. I need conversation, I need mental stimulation, I need to work my brain by learning new things. Being a SAHM isn't for me not permanently regardless of how much money we had, if we had it. I need more than cleaning house, cooking meals and taking care of my family. It just doesn't cut it for me, the truth be it I believe I'm not cut out for this. I don't have the patience, I have more patience and understanding towards other kids just not mine.

The daily small repetitive things irk me, so monotonous and predictable. I miss conversation with people outside of my family. I miss having debates, differences of opinions and intellect, smart ass teenage ramblings and incessant whining of four year old don't count. Unfortunately hubby isn't much of a thinker or conversationalist, I talk he listens. I didn't marry him for his debating skills, did I mention it's like talking to a wall. Love the man, love the kids just need some good conversation sometimes.

I miss good conversation.

"You can't...."

"You can't let her watch this kind of stuff mom, she is too young. She's not supposed to be liking boys till like she is 10, she supposed to think they are yucky!"
This is what my 15 year old son told me 5 min. ago because the tv is on and zoey 101 is on. Not that baby girl is really watching it, but since he changed the channel she had a fit. They have been on each other's back since he got home 2 and half hours ago. Go figure I didn't think there would be sibling bickering with a age gap of 11 years, figured wrong!

My son is already so overprotective of his baby sister, he's told me he doesn't want her to grow up to be a stupid girl he wants her to do sports, he doesn't want her to wear skirts or shorts. He says he knows what boys think about when they look at girls, he doesn't want that for his baby sister. He says "boys are dirty mom, they really are, I know how they are cause I know how I'm". He actually left wrestling class because they had a sub and they were just standing in the gym watching the cheerleaders. He said he felt like a pervert, he thought the sub was one too, they weren't doing anything but just standing around watching the cheerleaders so he and friend left. He felt like he was being disrespectful and didn't want to be. He made me laugh but I was proud to know he had respect for females and not to act on things, even if he thought it.

I have two older brothers and they were never that over protective of me. I feel bad for baby girl cause she not only has a dad but a big brother protecting her. Baby girl is a girlie girl, so unlike me, at least not that I remember. She loves Disney Princesses and Barbie and at first I was determined for her not to like that crap. I hated the idea of her falling into the Princess crap, being helpless waiting for her Prince charming but then I realized I shouldn't push my ideologies on her yet. She loved baby dolls since she was 9 months old, pretending to breast feed her toys. She is drawn to glittery stuff, pink stuff, but she also loves the color blue. She chooses her clothes, she brushes her hair, she hates being dirty, whenever she comes in from anywhere she goes into the bathroom to wash her hands.

I want my kids to be themselves, without me telling them what to be. I want to give them all the tools to be the best people they can be, yet not to short change themselves by taking the easy way out. Sometimes I fear without experiencing hardship and want they will not be grateful of everything they do have. However I realize we can't compare our lives to theirs, just like i can't compare my life from my parents. Different circumstance and time, unless you live through it you can not understand. So be it I will try and parent without too much judgement and no "when I was your age" stories although I may have slipped up on both. So I will try and let them be their own individuals with support and understanding to the best of my abilities. I will slip up as I have, I will push them in directions that may have been my own but in the end I will give them the tools and confidence to become the very best they can be to be happy. That's what matters in the end, loving and believing in themselves.

My babies

Just sitting here in the quiet since baby girl has fallen asleep since she seems to be a bit under the weather. Otherwise she would still be up, I know she should be in bed early but since she doesn't go to school I've kept it mellow. Besides the first 18 months of her life she was on a schedule, feeding at 430am cause we had to commute hour to work, so she deserves some late mornings before school starts. I love it when she sleeps, her little face, the way she breathes and the peacefulness of it all.

I actually miss the days when I used to breastfeed her and she would look up into my face with adoration and love. And no matter how painful and sore my bloody nipples were I could not deny her my milk. There truly is no way to express the closeness and bond a woman feels while nursing her babies. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all so sweet and lovely but tiring, hard and painful. The plugged up ducts, the piercing of the nipples to dislodge them...yes it hurt like hell yet I remember just numbing myself to go on, besides being incredibly exhausted. I remember falling asleep myself while feeding her in my lap (good old boppy saved my life) and feeling so empty and starved in the morning after feeding her all night. How I loved and wanted so much to give her my milk, even though I couldn't see her for three days, I had a emergency C-section after 19 hours of being in labor and her lung collapsed and had to be put in NICU.

I was so determined to breastfeed her I remember trying to pump my milk, putting it in tiny cup feeding into her mouth. The frustration and pain of trying to get her to latch correctly wasn't bad enough but I also swelled up coming home 10 pds heavier from the hospital after delivery! I'm one of those people whoa re bad with anesthesia, instead of peeing out all the damn IV fluid I retained it all. It was scary luckily after first week I actually lost 30 pounds, mostly fluid. My mom gave me some squash juice because it was supposed to help the swelling go down besides the traditional seaweed soup diet for mother's who've just given birth. No wonder Korean women lose the weight so fast they only eat soup and rice! Besides I remember having no appetite what so ever, everything tasted like card board. This also happened with my son although I gave birth to him naturally but I swelled up like a balloon with him but not as much.

Sadly my two pregnancies were far apart and so different. One so pained and resented the second wanted yet pained. During both of my pregnancies I lost people I loved, first was my grandmother and second was my father in law. I know they say it always evens out a life lost and life gained but it sucks. I never had any grandfather's growing up and that will be the way for my kids. My son was lucky in that he got to spend time with my dad the most, he was also my dad's favorite grand child. I know I used to feel angry and mad while raising my son in my parent's home. They spoiled him, the tried to over ride me whenever I tried disciplining him, it was hell but now I'm glad I did live with them. There is the bad and ugly but I think there is way more good, good for my son besides my parents. I'm glad he knew my dad...his"papa" cause he will have to share memories with his little sister. Even though she seems to have some memories of him and tells him.."hi papa, I love you papa, bye papa" when we go to the cemetery I know those memories will fade since she was way too young.

I miss my dad....it still hurts, I try not to think about him but when I do it still hurts, I hurt..I miss you Apa, so much.

Facing the truth

Ok I know what I need and sometimes it takes for someone else to tell me what I need to do, kinda like permission. Sounds funny and weird but it's true but we/I need someone outside of the situation to clearly tell me what is so obvious. I need my space, I need my sleep, I need me time.

So what am'I going to do about it besides giving it a lot of lip service, I'm going to change my behavior, I know easier said but done but I have to since I really can't stand myself right now.



My plans are to have baby girl sleep on her own, enroll her in the co-op preschool since money isn't of abundance right now, get a job (this will solve many worries) and lose the twenty pounds.

Ok I got my plan and now gotta work out the details but I want to have them all accomplished before Christmas, before the new year.



Here I come goals....ok I'm scared but I will move forward.

...sleepless in southern california

Well it's 1:22am and I'm awake not by insomnia but by a 4 year old old. She is currently in the office with her father who is playing WOW(world of war craft). She went to sleep quickly after she was read two stories by daddy but woke up 30 min ago. I tried to comfort her and told her to go back to sleep, for I was barely starting to fall alseep myself, however she couldn't do it. Tossing, turning, and whimpering looking for daddy all while laying on my arm.

Yes she still sleeps with us, that may be the reason of my insanity. The reason I have no real identity but only know as "mommy"is this but "mommy" swore to herself to be more patient and understanding but I'am not. So I find myself here typing into a bright blaring screen in the pitch dark. I can hear his voice, her voice...I can not comfort her cause she wants daddy as of right now I can't, I don't want to comfort her.

A part of me feels bad the hubby isn't getting to enjoy his time, did I mention he is a computer nerd. Before we met his time was spent either at work on a computer or at home on a computer playing Everquest. His addiction to gaming has stopped since we've married and had baby girl. However he gets his one night of game time when baby girl and I sleep. Ok she sleeps and I lay awake watching late night tv, reality shows. I give him this after all it is his vice, addiction, hobby, source of pleasure. So begrudgingly I "allow" his time after all even with only 3-4 hours of sleep he comes with me to my moms to work.

I'm jealous, angry even...why? Because he gets to spend the day away from her, me and has conversation and interactions with others while I spend my days watching Dora and trying to entertain a four year old. I don't get a break, she follows/stalks me to the bathroom, it's like Big Brother watching me all the time although this is Little Sister.

How I yearn for the days of sleep without a sore, stiff arm while laying completely flat on my back. Not really sleeping because I'm always covering her up,-she kicks off her blankets, has moved too close to the edge of the bed, is flipped upside down. In ways I haven't sleep comfortably since the day she was born, my mom told me mother's never sleep and she wasn't kidding.

I'm tired and angry and I don't want to be. Have I been too selfless, foolish, a damn martyr? Suffering because I have created my own prison of giving every ounce of my self, only to be left with an empty, angry shell? Who but I , am to blame...I have sacrificed myself in the name of motherhood only to be angry and bitter. No one has asked me to do these things but I do them and then feel angry, tired, taken advantage of where I have no one to blame but myself.

I can't even point the finger to my mother because this is my duty as mother, to suffer but I'am an adult and I have a choice. But do I.....I wish I could say I know what is right and wrong, that I live my life this way but I do not. As I grow older what used to be so clear and obvious, good or evil, black or white has turned grey. Several different shades of grey and so complicated.

I hate being this way, I hate feeling so unsatisfied and unfulfilled with motherhood, I hate that I do not know who I'am. I wish I could run away sometimes, I can understand how a woman can leave her family, just disappear one day and never come back. I do fantasize about leaving everything behind, traveling the world. Living my dream, not being afraid of being me. To stop suffering in silence but to let myself be me. But this is the family that I created, this is mine, my love, my tears, my time, my anger, and yes my sacrifices of being a mother.

Actions=Reactions

Action results in a reaction, so it shouldn't surprise me that since I'm not feeling like a caged up bear that I'm handling the baby girl's melt downs as I should and not like a crazed lunatic. I notice she has more outbursts, melt downs and tears when I'm feeling impatient and short. Or the truth is I can handle her better so she doesn't have a full blown tantrum. It lies on how I react to her, when I'm feeling the crazies I don't feel loving, patient or tolerant. Hell I can't even tolerate this skin I'm living in alone a whiny, monkey on my back pre-schooler.

Since the crazies has gone I've been patient and even nurturing...point in example last night we were in Target getting my niece a birthday present and baby girl had a melt down. She wanted a toy she saw and we told her no we weren't at the store for her but for her cousin. She actually cried and yelled out loud! Now this child has never had a tantrum in a store let alone demanding us buy her something but for the last two months since we have been staying at my mom's she has been spoiled.

My mom and aunt have been indulging in her every whim...they go out shopping together ( we call them the 3 amigos/ajumas) and they have bought her whatever she wants. This is a new thing for her so of course up till now the child who was content just going to store and looking at things demanded we get her a toy. The hubby was surprised and upset by her out burst and told her he was taking in the car. She cried louder saying"no I don't want to go outside, sorry daddy please!" Instead of getting louder and going off in korean I grabbed her arm, lowered myself to her and looked into her eyes and calmly told her "We already told you we are here for Katie's birthday present and not for you. It's not ok for you to yell or cry like this, so stop or else daddy will take you outside." And wouldn't you know she stopped...besides saying"I'm sorry mommy I won't do it again."

She continued to look at things and ask for them but for Christmas and had no more melt downs. I realise that since I didn't have a full blown cow over it she got over it faster...one thing about her she forgets easily , says I'm sorry and doesn't hold a grudge. How I love this little girl..no crazy stubbornness only when she wants me but not in wanting things her way. It's easy to love such a easy going child.

My point is that it really is important how I react to her actions and how things end really is up to me. I have a control over my reaction, I'm the adult (ok sometimes I forget) and it's up to me to defuse the situation before it gets worse. It starts with me to take care of myself before I get the crazies, to have me time , to nurture and take care of myself so I can take care and nurture the ones around me.

Blogging Friends

They say one of the most important things for woman to have are friends, a support system that understands us, that heal us, that laugh, cry and complains with us. But sometimes we lose our life supports, be it through a move, a marriage, a birth of a child, a change in a career or just paths that diverge with time. I believe all the contacts and friendships we make are for a reason, no matter how short or meaningless we may seem to think they are, or not think about them at all.

We met people all the time, mostly from work at this age and we form bonds through similarities or simple respect of each other. But for a woman with children she loses all grasp of those friendship when she becomes a stay at home mom. She not only loses a wage, a career path, but her identity. Even though she swore to herself she would never lose who she was it bound to happen with warmth of this loving little being cuddled inside her arm. Then she takes another vow to protect and fiercely protect this precious gift bestowed in her arms.

All the memories of her life before are forgotten, as the haze of bi-hourly feedings, sore nipples, and constant care of this helpless new creature needing her. Unlike any other relationship she was in before, the love was instant, over whelming and so sweet. This tiny little creature who gave you stretch marks, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and gigantic plugged up ducts came to control you like a puppet. You are only there for this new precious being, any reminisces of your life before this new being is long forgotten.

So your on your way to motherhood, the quiet suffering as you lose all sense of your self, as the body you once knew has long been gone replaced with this big flabby, bumpy, swollen thing that gives life to this amazing being. So you lose friends, and if your lucky you aren't hit with post- pardum depression, and yet even as exhausted. It's all profoundly new and there are times of frustration and tears but still you keep it together enough to get that precious new being to be fed, bathed, clothed and diapered.

You feel so alone and even when you connect with friends with kids or new moms it still feels so alone. You feel like you are the only woman in the world to feel the lack of sleep, the crazy moments of weeping as the hormones change. You feel your world become hazier and hazier and you don't remember the days when you felt energized and awake. It seems like you never knew another life without sore, swollen boobs, diaper changes and spit up. But the sweet, angelic smile of your new being eases the pain, numbs the soul, as you slowly slip away.

Fast forward a few years and now your a full fledged mom, bigger literally and figuratively speaking. The former life before baby seems so far ago and you can't believe it actually was your own. Dance and stay out all night, drink and eat anything without worrying about getting it into the breast milk or to sleep in. So you try not to think about those days so wistfully, and convince yourself you are better, bigger, happier as your role as mom.

But deep inside you slowly die, motherhood kicks in and you know you want to do better than your own parents but unlike them you are bombarded with so much information. Too much structure,not enough, too much attention, not enough, no matter what you do you are guaranteed to screw up your kids. Then all the demons from your past come out, you are doing the things you swore you would never do with your kids, you are becoming your parent or worse you do not know how to parent, but your children have all run of your house because you are too afraid to discipline because you want to be their friend.

You become a angry because you are lost, you have given yourself completely to the point that there is nothing left to give. There is only a shell of your former self but you guilt yourself to do better, after all to be a mother is to be a martyr. Your laughter and smiles are lost replaced by frowns and screams. The wall of guilt grows higher and higher and we are forced to punish ourselves even more. After all we are our worst critics and we know we are crazy, we are the worst moms out there and that's all we are.

We have no self confidence, we cant wait until the kids go to school yet we are scared because can we go back to our former selves? Can we even get a job let alone a career? You know you can't stay at home once the kids are at school, a tiny part of you deep inside wants that desire and spark to be more. But you are so scared, you know logically you can go back but that still doesn't change the self doubt. Being a mother has strengthened you in ways you never thought possible, looking at poop and changing it without gagging, picking boogers with your bare hands, wiping up vomit without wanting to purge yourself but yet you are afraid.

Your life consists of reading the news online, then blogs and then one day you find yourself reading about other moms who actually had similar moments like you, even questioning their own sanity. They aren't stating motherhood isn't a bunch of bubbles, butterflies and rainbows but it sucks sometimes...ok a lot of the times. So the first time in a long time you feel a connection, you even have to look around because you are laughing out loud, feeling giddy and even good. Your newly acquired addiction has started and you log on daily, even in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.

You connect with these people you don't know, yet you feel their pain, disappointment and frustrations because they are like your own. You are finally able to relate you are not the only one in the world, that there are many like you out there and they are expressing themselves, baring their souls. So this motivates you to do the same, you start your own blog. You pick a anonymous name, something that can portray what you are feeling and you start writing. You keep reading others blogs, find inspiration to deal with your own demons. And then you do it, you reach out via a email or a comment because something has moved you enough. You are scared yet you feel the overwhelming pull to connect with this person, this person whom you seem to care so deeply about. A faceless person you haven't met but want to know because they are you. They convey the same feelings and thoughts you yourself have felt so many times before and you don't want them to feel that way. So in ways as you reach out to them you are reaching out to yourself.

Blogging friends are special and dear because we aren't forced to befriend them, we aren't obligated to respond if we don't want too, we choose to accept them when we are ready. This is to my new blogging friend Kia, thank you for reaching out and giving me this opportunity for our friendship.