Parenting

Baby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my commitment of hour of reading, cleaning, helping with the art projects and then making copies for the 6 first grade classes. So I'm over done, baked, burnt, toasted just so over it. I still have to bake cookies for their Valentine's Day party on Monday besides helping them with the party. Usually I'm not such a grump but quite chirpy and so agreeable as I say yes to everything that is asked of me as what else would I be doing since I'm not working a real job.

I feel useless and the job I'm doing as a parent I seem to be failing rapidly. My son doesn't want to college as he seeks to remind me of every opportunity he has. The sad part is he is really a smart kid, not that just cause he is my kid..hell More like the opposite but he says he hates school...yadda yadda and it isn't for him and he doesn't know what he wants to do. In reality I really do listen to what he has to say maybe too much because I try to work with him. Instead of going straight to a four year college he was going to a community college and transfer but then he wanted to take a year off to travel and just the other night how he isn't made for school. So what does a mother do..he tells me he hates school..shit I hated school..but he doesn't get most people who go hate it but it's about jumping through the hoops, staying with something, finishing the commitment. Although as this point I really want to jump this ship on I'm on called parenting. I tell him I understand but he is the typical teenager who only sees what he wants right now and doesn't get the future is way different than what he thinks of it now. So what do you tell a kid who thinks he has life all figured out..sometimes I think I should have gone with the old school of parenting of not listening to your kids or talking to them but just telling them what to do without any back talk!

Parenting really sucks and I want out!

In circles

As much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the hills, the beach, on a one way plane just outta here from my life. So I regress and complain and whine about how pitiful and lame my life is, how the daily drudgery that is my life sucks out all the hope I may have. No matter how much joy and enthusiasm I try to muster up each day it is all sucked out by what is the living parasites I call my children and my mother. Yes I do love them but the reality is I have to solve every one's problems, find something that is missing (even though its right in front of their eyes), to bake the weekly bread, to bake my mom's bread, to volunteer in class, to stay after and help, to make dinner, to pay the bills, to get our papers as well as my mom's to file taxes, to look in the ad's to find sales for groceries, to stock up on the necessities (even those I don't eat), to find ways to keep the house running, to pick up and put away things otherwise our home could be featured on hoarders. So I muster up enough energy to stay positive, in the present, to stay afloat in this chess pool that is my life. Yeah I'm bitchy and negative and most likely PMSing out but I guess it's better to rant and rave here than at my children. Gawd my life sucks....yeah I know it doesn't but for these few hours it does. (Sigh)I'm off to conquer my next goal...dinner.

Figures....

It's been a long time since I wrote even though I really needed too. I guess it goes back to giving myself some time to do the things I need instead of putting it on the back burner. The positive is that I've got this depression beat, well ok except for those few days when it grabs hold of me and gives me a good shake but even then I know it isn't the same. I'm moving forward but the same conversations keep happening in my head. I need to be a better parent, I need to be a better, wife, I need to be a better daughter, sister, Aunt...etc. And yet even though I try I feel like it isn't lifting me up More do I feel so great about it all. I actually feel so busy and burnt out lately.

Ok the positive is yes I got a job, a fluke really but it's been wonderful being able to contribute although it never feels like it is enough. I'm still volunteering all day baby girls class on Mondays (turns out I'm the TAP parent)and I'm doing bookkeeping for an old high school friend at home. Working from home sucks ass cause you never really have a straight 8 hours to dedicate to work when you got kids, people visiting and house work. So instead I put in four here, two hours there and end up really spreading it over 18 hours, so it turns out to be a really long work day. It's tax season so I have been pressed to get his business stuff out besides his personal stuff. The sick part of me loves the pressure and the feeling of being on the go but the real me, the older me feels run down and tired. Could be the PMS speaking but as of this week I'm burnt out. Did I mention I'm preparing for a visit from my mother-in-law and nephew for the kids spring break. Well as much as vacations are supposed to be I haven't enjoyed any family vacations. It's been more work than play, I still have to finish the laundry, go shopping, vacuumed and put some hours in for the paid work. So far this morning I have baked two types of breads then delivered them and the dog to my mom's house 55 miles away. I guess I should be "cleaning" but instead I'm typing away.

I feel resentful and angry cause I agreed to this mini vacation with my husbands mother and nephew. Did I mention every time she visits she brings him, did I mention he is only 4, so the vacations end up being me entertaining them all, making them meals, watching the kids while they go on the rides. Basically I'm the baby sitter..I don't know when I became the old lady kicking back watching the kids instead of going on the rides. I'm trying to be grateful but I feel tired and mad at myself for being such a pushover, of being the good daughter-in-law. I hate being a Korean daughter-in-law, I hate entertaining constantly being on all the time....they are coming tomorrow and leaving Thursday.(Sigh)

For some stupid reason this year the allergies have been really kicking my ass, I'm taking claritin but I keep having a cough and feel so damn tired after being outside. I have been trying to keep up with my walks which unfortunately haven't helped me loose any weight but hopefully keeping the fog at bay. Today I felt foggy in my eyes but I think its from the allergies, at least I hope so.

The weight lose hasn't been successful at all, I walk at least 4 days week for at least 3 miles each but no success. I guess my metabolism is fucked up from not eating right. I don't have time to work out for hours either, not do I want to...maybe I can go on the biggiest loser but then I'm not obese. I actually just wanted to lose between 5-10 pds in these last month but nothing...I think I even gained a few more pounds. Sure muscle weighs more than fat but I don't think its muscle. I hate when I get this way..stupid irritation, antsy feeling. I guess its major PMS...life sucks ass right now at this moment although in my real world it looks fine. It's just the mental one that is fucked!

The Needy

Although one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her from not feeling any more pain, I wanted her to find peace and happiness, but that didn't happen. What I realized was that she needed to find her own peace, her own happiness and that no matter how hard I tried I cannot change others. Things were complicated due to the passing of my uncle and then I had another person to save, my Aunt. Then it occurred to me why I felt so bad, worn out and tired I was trying to rescue others awhile I was destroying myself. I realized the only person I could change was me so I withdrew, I let them handle their daily conflicts. Even when they called me with urgency to refill a prescription, to make an appointment in which I was expected to drop everything I was doing for them. After all I had been doing it for years.

Going to her house every weekend luckily did not destroy my marriage although it's more due to the patience and love of my husband not me. So it hit me that I needed to put my family first, that the needs of my kids and y husband had to come before them. That I shouldn't repeat the mistake my parents made with us. Sacrificing our needs for the well being of others. I know I did not want to become bitter, angry and hurt like my mom and Aunt became. I did not want to give my life up to others worrying about what they thought because they sure as hell didn't give a damn about what happened to us.

So even as I try to make this change it has become difficult because they have become more needy and they don't ask anyone but me. Yes my brother who lives a few blocks from me who is well off and can do things for her too isn't ever called. It's always me and my husband. Then my mom had the nerve to call him a bad guy cause he didn't come in and say hi to her when we stopped by on the way from a trip. It didn't matter he was seeing why she was having a leak in her toilet but that he didn't say hi to her cause she had been sick. It pissed me off cause here he had remodeled her whole damn house on his weekends for the last year and half and she said he was bad for not saying hello to her. I wanted to go off on her and I said what? What about your son? Where is he?

Sometimes I hate my family, the one I grew up with. I'm tired of rescuing everyone, for being the one who is always there, I'm tired of doing everything. So when my Aunt called to say I needed to take my mom to LA to the Korean doctor to see why she was sweating so much I felt angry and resentful. I want to help her but I can't cause the husbands car died on him on the way to work on Monday. So he was using my car...I have no transportation and we aren't in the best financial situation because I haven't worked for almost four years. So I guess being that I can't do anything for her stressed me out.

Today she called me to say she should go to the LA doctor cause she is sweating non stop even though she has taken two rounds of antibiotics...she has the regular flu no swine flu. But I guess she has been sweating so much she needs to change her clothes at least three times a day. She told me to call her friend who knows of the address of the place in LA so I can take her. When she called she asked to see if my husband worked all day..it is his half day but he was planning to fix his car not drive her to LA. So I feel guilty and angry because shit I have my own problems too and I can't just drop everything for everyone else. It makes me sick because I'm tired and I don't want to help anymore.

When you give and give and no else does it makes you angry. I guess I'm mad cause she can ask my brother but why does she have to keep calling my ass. She has no freakin shame in asking my husband. Just because he is a good guy don't take advantage of him. If I was him I would have gone off on him long time ago...the reality is my family is sucking us dry.

I want my mom to be independent but the reality is she will always need me and I don't want to be needed anymore. I'm tired and burnt out...I want to work on my own family, to focus on my own house, my kids, my husband and on my own self.

What can I say I'm a bad daughter...but I don't care.

The Calm Before The Storm

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of pain, turmoil and fear. Things you hoped that you had left behind, the things you wanted to keep in the past, things you thought wouldn't hurt you again but that is what happens before the storm...the calm fools you into thinking everything will be ok.

The last few months have been my calm...finally feeling alive, normal not suffocated by the fog, unable to feel anything but dullness and dread but to feel the sunlight, the warmth, to hear the laughter, to feel relief and even anger. But the feelings weren't tainted by the depression, they were real and they were mine again. But the storm has brewed and is trying to drag me under again. I don't want it to take over but I feel the darkness, the anger, pain and fears. I want to cry, explode and hide all at the same time. My triggers of the past has traumatized me far more than I realized. It's funny to be able to label my symptoms, to recognize what my problem however to fix it is another story.

A week and and half after my father died baby girl was scheduled to get her teeth fixed. She was born with little to no enamel on her baby teeth and even though she was breastfeed exclusively till her second birthday her teeth were decayed and she was unable to eat anything due to the sensitivity and pain. At 18 months we had taken her to a pediatric dentist who had ripped out her front four teeth without any anaesthetic. I was horrified to say the least as I sat in the back seat trying to comfort her as her gums bleed. I held back my tears, wiping her tears trying to comfort all awhile holding in my angry at the so called pediatric dentist. There was no way I was coming to get the rest of the work done. I guess I should have realized how shitty the place was the first time when they forced her down and clamped her mouth shut to get the x-rays. Even that day she was sacred to death calling for me wanting her "mamas", my breasts her comfort. But our crappy HMO only covered this dentist that was in another town from us. But we went to another pediatric dentist in town even if we had to pay on our own.

She needed to be put to sleep because she needed extensive work, she needed caps on all her molars and spacers on the top for when her permanent teeth came in. Just the anesthetic would start at $500 requiring the full deposit since it was actually Dr who cam to do that part. It took over two and half hours...but more than that I was in shock due to my father's death a week and half earlier.

Baby girl was in deep fear of anyone is scrubs and cried and held me tighter to her...the anesthesiologist came from behind and gave her a shot in her arm to make her fall asleep. She was out within min. and he carried her to the room. We waited feeling relieved that we didn't hear her screams this time. She laid in my arms as she woke still scared but little did we know this was only the beginning of the nightmare.

We went home and as she laid in my arms she fell asleep...half an hour later she jolted up crying, screaming, her eyes were open with a glazed look. Even though I held her she couldn't see me but kept on screaming and crying. She was still sleeping but awake...she was having night terrors. We tired to wake her, put cold water on her feet but she would keep screaming and crying and then suddenly stop. This went on every time she fell asleep. So she was unable to completely fall asleep. I looked online and found that after being put to sleep this happened to some other kids but there was not much on it. I told her dentist but they looked at me like I was crazy. Why is that every time you tell doctors about something that is happening they look at you as if your are lying.

She went through a week and half of this..we all had no sleep we were exhausted to say the least, I hadn't had much sleep since she was born because she slept with us and I had let her feed on demand. So sleep was a stranger to me but night time, sleep became a fear to me. What made the night terrors stop was her next visit to the dentist when they would put in her spacers. Naturally she was scared to death and cried as they sat her down, she didn't want to open her mouth, she started screaming and crying so the dentist needed four other assistant to hold her down so she could put the spacer in. I think the inability for baby girl to scream and express her fears when she was put to sleep made her have the night terrors but when she was able to fight, scream for her life she stopped having the night terrors. That night she finally fell asleep without waking up, we were finally able to sleep.

Since her visit to the dentist she had extreme fear of all doctors and anyone in scrubs. I guess it didn't help that she was with me in the hospital when my dad was in there. She has far too much exposure to the hospital and death at such a young age. She watched me trying to feed my dad, imitating me telling him to eat. She would repeat the same words, brushing away my tears looking up at me trying to comfort me. So her fear of anyone in scrubs was natural, but every visit to the doctors office was hell for me...she would start to shake, sweat and then cry. You could see the fear in her little face...I would start to sweat and feel nauseous. I hated going to the doctor..luckily she didn't required many trips to the doctors or dentist. We skipped the annual cleanings to the dentist and because I could not go in there with out sweating and feeling sick to my own stomach.

I noticed her gums would swell and bleed, the gums around her capped molars..it worried me cause I thought they were rotting inside and she would need to go to the dentist again. The hubby took her for a check up and they said it looked fine..she was scared but they went slowly, it had been over a year since the battle with the spacer and she came along with us on our dental appointments. I guess the fact she was able to express herself in words helped because slowly her fear was going away. But I didn't go with her, I couldn't so hubby would take her and I would take her to medical check ups.

We changed from HMO to PPO even though we had to pay an extra $100 every month because the HMO did not have our dentist. I had thought baby girl would need more work on her teeth from the swelling of her gums but the dentist didn't say anything nor did the hubby mention anything to the dentist. I guess I should have gone because he doesn't ask much. Her last visit to the dentist was very successful, they were able to clean her teeth with the polisher and even take x-rays. But her x-rays showed her permanent molars were coming up in angle against her baby molars. The dentist said she never saw anything like it. It also looked like she was missing a pair of molars but she had to come back when her regular dentist was there.

I guess I had really hoped she would not have anymore issues with her teeth even though I saw the swollen gums. Her next visit confirmed my fears and worst. Her jaw bones were not growing and were thin besides the permanent molars coming in crooked. The stranger part was she was having gum loss around the molars, something they had never seen in someone her age. So we were referred to the oral surgeon because even though they could extract her molars they wanted a biopsy of her gums to see what the problem was. Yes here was our storm, my fear came true but far more than I thought.

When you are told there is something wrong with your child you feel guilty. Even though you may have not had any control over it you feel like it is your fault. Even though she was born without any enamel on her teeth the dentist looked at me like it was my fault. Like I was giving her juice or candy every day without brushing. So every day I feel like I'm judged as a horrible parent because my child has metal caps in her mouth and missing teeth. They had told me that sometimes it just happens that the bay teeth does not form correctly but the permanent teeth would be fine. But now they were telling me her jaw one wasn't growing properly, that she was missing permanent teeth and worse yet she was having gums issues.

Shit I should have taken my pre-natal vitamins even though I felt sick from taking them, maybe that is why I had caused this on her. But my mom never took any and we had no issues with our teeth. So many different things have run through my head, I looked up any genetic disorders with teeth issues but found nothing. So even logically I know it isn't my fault I feel that I'm responsible.

The oral surgeon confirmed what I thought maybe the cause of Baby girls teeth problems, she was allergic to caps. That is why her gums and jaw bones were not growing in the areas of the capped molars. So the solution was to remove the caps/molars before they did anymore damage to her permanent teeth. She would need braces later but the main concern now was to get rid of the caps.

Yes that would mean no molars for her to chew with, it didn't make things easier that she already had her front top teeth pulled so she can't bit into anything nor chew hard, tough things. "I've never seen a toothless person starve", that is what the oral surgeon said when she asked how would she eat. It would be bothersome but she wasn't going to starve as he said. Her permanent molar was already coming in so hopefully all her teeth would come in sooner than later. Till then I will have to cut everything up for her.

I started this post because since her appointment with the oral surgeon I have felt the fear, anxiety and bad memories flood back. Even that day at the appointment I felt uneasy and nervous...I started sweating. I realize all the negativity and pain associated with her dental issues has been tied with my father's death. So I'm relieving the pain again...I feel the anxiety and fear. I'm scared even though it will be fine..I feel irritated and sad at the same time. So I had to write out my fears of what is going on in my mind. To make things worst for her this Friday was her class Thanksgiving party since this is the last week of school before break. Yes the budget cuts effected schools to close for a entire week for Thanksgiving instead of a few days. So besides getting her teeth removed she will miss her class party. I wanted to reschedule but I know it's better to get it over with then wait. So instead today we will make rainbow cupcakes for her class to share with tomorrow.


This is my storm, one that reaches deep within that grips my deepest fears and pain. One where I cannot control the pain of my child, where I'am left feeling helpless and useless. So I have been frozen in fear, in anguish unable to tell anyone of my fears. Trying to think positive, wishing the days would fly by and it would all be over and she was healing. That we were both healing and that the pain would scab over and the wound underneath would grow back stronger with the scar. I don't think the scar would ever fade but at least it would cover that hole. I want to move forward, I don't want to be frozen in fear, living in dread. I hope for the best and do not want the worst.

In a Rut

Baby girl is sleeping, boy has been in his room and here we sit in the livin groom in our repsective areas on the computer. The tv is on for background noise but no one is watching it. It's friday night and this is our life every day. I dont know how it got this way but here it is.

I guess this is how they say married people get in a rut...a painful and ugly truth. I guess it's bettter than us fighting or having conflict but then is it? I mean I know what can I expect before he met me he spent his time on the computer playing Everquest. I brought on the excitment, the ideas to do things, to live life but since I'm no longer functioning like a normal human being here we sit.

I envy other people going out doing things..I used to go out and do things...I used to live life...but now here I'am. This is my life...where the fuck did my life go?

Self

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face!


So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...just rolls and more rolls. So I'm disgusted to the point of what will I do...something has to be done...drastically. OK maybe if i had enough balls to get a knife and cut them off I would..but ok back to reality not going to happen. So I wish I could magically go to sleep and wake up voila I'm thin again. This is a bad horrendous nightmare and I'm normal again. It's not wanting to be thin but normal...my normal. Where I can fit into my regular clothes...no I'm not wanting the hard body of a 20 yr old but the old me.

But I'm so afraid she is gone...like forever and this is the real me. Large, lumpy and so unhappy. How I wish for the day when I thought being 127 pds was heavy..that I'd work out to get in shape...that seems sooo long ago..something so unattainable. I have no control and I accept it..I haven't been in control forever. But I'm tired of this foreign body...I feel like I'm wearing one of those fat suits...and that underneath is the old me. I never thought I would ever get this big...I would freak out even when I was a little heavier than my normal weight..hiding in larger clothes...so what happens when the large clothes stop fitting me. What happens when medium is my normal size. But I'm not a medium anything...I'm a large 5'2 petite woman although large and petite seem like a oxymoron...like jumbo shrimp. Shit I found my word..I'm a jumbo shrimp.....ok I made myself laugh because it's funny as hell as pathetic as it all sounds and is.

Yeah, yeah fat ass drop the fork and go for a run..stop your bitching and get a grip...it's your freaking life and make it happen. But you know what it can't and it hasn't. I have become another statistic..the over weight American. Yes one of the fat pigs that super size everything and complain about everything. Do I need an ass kicking...yes I do. I need to stop the bitching and get into motion...literally and psychologically. I've been in this mental rut for too long.


I'am really tired of my fat, depressed, bitchy self! I need to get my shit together now before I ruin what's really right in my life.

Changes

Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and never brought back. Living in a fog, in dread, anger, pain and regret unable to enjoy the joy that surrounds me every day. Yes I'm already regretting, missing the sweet baby years, the curious toddler years, the anxious preteens.

My babies are growning...she is leaving for kindergarten next week and even though I eagerly awaited this date...my escape from domestic motherhood (prison) I feel a sadness and miss her already. Sure I swore and wished for this day to come, couldn't wait to get my life back but did I just miss out on the best years of my life....did I not even realize these are the days I will long for when I'm old, wrinkled and gray. When she would eagerly seek me, need me, even after a fit of tears she would come back to the reassurance of my arms. And yet I feel a relief yet empty since my role in motherhood has changed. Like when she was finally weened off the boob, it was such freedom yet I felt so sad that she would not need me to comfort her, that I was the only one who could calm her, reassure her. Sure at times it felt like a living hell but I knew it was for her good, I guess in ways that is parenthood..so damn painful and so necessary. I guess no pain no gain holds some truth to it.

She is officially 5 years old today and even though she looks the same she isn't...I measured her and she has grown at inch and half since the last time. She told me what she wanted for her birthday party..a jumper and silly string and pinta just like her cousin. She wanted Ariel on her birthday cake...sure we let her pick out the cake before but this year it was different she knew what she wanted and she asked ahead of time. Her party was the best ever she said..probably cause she will remember it.

Finally here is the change I awaited and yet I still feel the same...just a bit sad and regretful but haven't I felt this all along. I keep waiting for tomorrow to live my life and yet I have wasted the life I'm living now. Am'I cheating myself but more importantly my family of not being here.

I look a myself and I do not like the person I have become..I realize this is me, there isn't the old me in here but this is who I'am. I need to stop searching for what I thought was me..because even those times I was still searching for the person I used to or wanted to be. Why can't I ever just be happy with me and the right now. I know change is important but more so a fact of life yet why is it that I can not, have not ever been happy with who I'am. I guess the reality is that I have never liked me at the right now..it was always an idea of what I wanted to be or what I thought I was but when I actually look back at myself I was miserable, unsatisfied, searching for a better me even then.

This isn't saying that I'm accepting the bigger than life version of me cause really I can't stand being this big...I see myself but I don't see me..it's weird back when I was skinny as hell I always looked fat but now when I see myself I don't feel that big until I see some picture of myself. Holy shit I'm huge...so I guess I'm in denial and not having a full length mirror helps. Even thought I wear huge clothes, it still doesn't hit me till the pictures. I know it's goning to take work to take off all this fat, unlike ever before but you know it doesn't help matters to be hormonal. I'm feeling a bit crazy, emotional and sorry for myself blahs...I wish the stupid period would hurry up and start. I need to either start losing weight or just accept this is me and start buying clothes to flatter the fat!

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.

Sometimes I feel like writing, I have lots to get off my chest but then other times nothing. I have no inspiration what so ever to write anything, I follow all my blogs with earnest and dedication but I have nothing. Sometimes more than not I seem to be flat, no real emotion, like if I'm in energy conservation mode. It seem easier, I guess I'm used to be being brain dead since its been a few years I have been on this hiatus but I really believe I need to go back. I need conversation, I need mental stimulation, I need to work my brain by learning new things. Being a SAHM isn't for me not permanently regardless of how much money we had, if we had it. I need more than cleaning house, cooking meals and taking care of my family. It just doesn't cut it for me, the truth be it I believe I'm not cut out for this. I don't have the patience, I have more patience and understanding towards other kids just not mine.

The daily small repetitive things irk me, so monotonous and predictable. I miss conversation with people outside of my family. I miss having debates, differences of opinions and intellect, smart ass teenage ramblings and incessant whining of four year old don't count. Unfortunately hubby isn't much of a thinker or conversationalist, I talk he listens. I didn't marry him for his debating skills, did I mention it's like talking to a wall. Love the man, love the kids just need some good conversation sometimes.

I miss good conversation.

Pmsing, biatchy me....

It's about that time again, well err that "time" too but dinner I mean. So the hubby should be here within 45 min. but here I'am blogging instead of cooking the bacon. It maybe cause it's almost that "time of the month" again or maybe because it's totally grey and over cast today. I've had a total headache, kinda foggy although felt much better after my hot shower. My shoulder/back really ached besides everything else but that helped the headache for a bit. Maybe its the dry weather, sinus pressure...this weather has been crazy from hot to cold one to another. Regardless it sucks...I'm tired, out of it and I don't want to cook dinner. I have plenty of meal ideas and ingredients but I totally suck right now and don't want to do jack.

Excuse:
Maybe I was put into this foul mood last night by a obnoxious teenager and a annoying old woman. They really know how to push my button besides I'm totally pmsing and feel moody as shit. I ended up crying cause I was so mad, it wasn't even a big deal but it's really never about anything is it. Just a bunch of pent up emotions, with exhaustion and no me time equals crazy sobbing. Yep a cigarette, a beer, some soulful music and a good cry sounds just about right.

On a positive note(didn't think it was possible) I did start on my Christmas shopping today, via online of course and actually got 8 people off the list! And I stayed on budget too...double woohoo....not. See I know I'm in the craps....great tomorrow evening will be a night of non stop door bell and trick or treat. Well at least I'm prepared...candy check, pumpkins carved check, costumes check...gotta get that beer now. No really I think I deserve a drink, or I can always run away from home.

Truth: I'm just a crazy biatchy mom....

...sleepless in southern california

Well it's 1:22am and I'm awake not by insomnia but by a 4 year old old. She is currently in the office with her father who is playing WOW(world of war craft). She went to sleep quickly after she was read two stories by daddy but woke up 30 min ago. I tried to comfort her and told her to go back to sleep, for I was barely starting to fall alseep myself, however she couldn't do it. Tossing, turning, and whimpering looking for daddy all while laying on my arm.

Yes she still sleeps with us, that may be the reason of my insanity. The reason I have no real identity but only know as "mommy"is this but "mommy" swore to herself to be more patient and understanding but I'am not. So I find myself here typing into a bright blaring screen in the pitch dark. I can hear his voice, her voice...I can not comfort her cause she wants daddy as of right now I can't, I don't want to comfort her.

A part of me feels bad the hubby isn't getting to enjoy his time, did I mention he is a computer nerd. Before we met his time was spent either at work on a computer or at home on a computer playing Everquest. His addiction to gaming has stopped since we've married and had baby girl. However he gets his one night of game time when baby girl and I sleep. Ok she sleeps and I lay awake watching late night tv, reality shows. I give him this after all it is his vice, addiction, hobby, source of pleasure. So begrudgingly I "allow" his time after all even with only 3-4 hours of sleep he comes with me to my moms to work.

I'm jealous, angry even...why? Because he gets to spend the day away from her, me and has conversation and interactions with others while I spend my days watching Dora and trying to entertain a four year old. I don't get a break, she follows/stalks me to the bathroom, it's like Big Brother watching me all the time although this is Little Sister.

How I yearn for the days of sleep without a sore, stiff arm while laying completely flat on my back. Not really sleeping because I'm always covering her up,-she kicks off her blankets, has moved too close to the edge of the bed, is flipped upside down. In ways I haven't sleep comfortably since the day she was born, my mom told me mother's never sleep and she wasn't kidding.

I'm tired and angry and I don't want to be. Have I been too selfless, foolish, a damn martyr? Suffering because I have created my own prison of giving every ounce of my self, only to be left with an empty, angry shell? Who but I , am to blame...I have sacrificed myself in the name of motherhood only to be angry and bitter. No one has asked me to do these things but I do them and then feel angry, tired, taken advantage of where I have no one to blame but myself.

I can't even point the finger to my mother because this is my duty as mother, to suffer but I'am an adult and I have a choice. But do I.....I wish I could say I know what is right and wrong, that I live my life this way but I do not. As I grow older what used to be so clear and obvious, good or evil, black or white has turned grey. Several different shades of grey and so complicated.

I hate being this way, I hate feeling so unsatisfied and unfulfilled with motherhood, I hate that I do not know who I'am. I wish I could run away sometimes, I can understand how a woman can leave her family, just disappear one day and never come back. I do fantasize about leaving everything behind, traveling the world. Living my dream, not being afraid of being me. To stop suffering in silence but to let myself be me. But this is the family that I created, this is mine, my love, my tears, my time, my anger, and yes my sacrifices of being a mother.

and then the beast reared it's ugly head.....

I know I'm PMSing but the craziness has got to stop...I don't know where the anger comes from but its insatiable monster that needs to be fed. It's all but a pin drop away before it implodes within myself. It happens monthly although lasts more than a week and then I restart all over again. Working at feeling normal again...hello is it just me?

Yet another week has past.

It's already Friday although since I stopped working its not quite the same as before. Weekends were for shopping, laundry, cleaning...no wait it is the same but now I go to my mom's house and work. Today is my cleaning/laundry day, but I say that very loosely since I haven't cleaned anything but I did three loads of laundry. Half way true so yeah I'm on schedule...pms is on schedule and kicking my ass like usual. Gotta love the clock work as the "craziness" rears its ugly head.
I really believe there should be a pms pass where a woman can leave her home (children, spouse/sig. other, mess) for a week to somewhere preferably tropical, with warm sands, water, tanned topless waiters (21-25 years of age) serving drinks and cravings all while receiving massages. Which of course is mandatory otherwise your pass would be void. :) Or if you prefer a cooler climate somewhere in the snow covered alps, lounging in a thick terry clothed robe drinking hot chocolate, coffee (spiked with alcohol) or whatever your hearts desire. Of course being served hand and foot by some hot, young service boy. Just like the tropics only in a warm and cozy resort just for pms'd mom's of course. Lots of food any kind you can possible imagine and best part yet no phones, blackberries...etc.

Ok sign me up, I'm there. Hell make it only a weekend, two nights two whole days, without any guilt from my kids, husband, family and mostly myself! Cause you know we can guilt ourselves better (besides our Korean moms) than anyone else can. Well that was nice fantasy...hey it's even tamed the pms...maybe its like meditation, transport yourself to your good place, inhale, exhale...breathe.

Blogging fool

I'm doing it, keeping up with the daily writing although I do notice I start off with a certain topic and then I ramble on and on. I guess I've got a lot to say and no one to say it too. One thing I do notice is that when I just write and then publish I end up with a mess. I understand the reason behind editing however part of me doesn't not want this to be a class in critical writing. I want the freedom to express myself regardless of how incoherent or disorganized it may be. Although I do want to make some sense but than if I need to rant and rave then be it I will. After all that was the reason why I started this.

I'm trying to make it visually appealing as well and even promised to post some pictures, after all I know I enjoy reading posts with pictures. I'm becoming more aware of other bloggers and know of at least one who follows my blog so I find myself wanting to please my sole reader. :) Yep its the "krajee korean mom" in me wanting to please others. But at the same time it's actually is a good thing, why? Because it makes me responsible because I need to answer to someone else besides myself while making a connection. I guess it goes back to meeting others needs before mine, but this also makes me feel happy. Helping, giving to others give me the greatest joy...my dream job would be a philanthropist to give money to others. Second for sure is a food critic, one that travels the world and tastes different foods. Yep in my perfect world I would be a traveling food tasting philanthropist.

Yep another simple task that has turned into a psycho-social analyzes...hmmm took too many psych and soc. classes. But hey I was trying to figure out why I was crazy although I never did find the answer after all I knew it all along. I'm not crazy cause real crazy people don't think they are crazy. Hmmm doesn't make me feel better. :)

Weekend is over

It's Sunday night and the hubby and son went back home while me and baby girl are still at my mom's house. We finished sanding (ok hubby finished) , fixed plumbing for the sink, painted on the primer and laid out the tile. It looks really good if I say so myself, especially since its a first for us. I just need to paint the door, buy door hinges, then paint the room on Tuesday since it takes 24 hours for the tile to set and then grout it. Next week we will need to put in the vanity, mirror, and cabinet, reinstall the shower, and install the moldings. I can't wait for it to be done, because having everything ripped apart and in disarray stresses me out. If it was my house I wouldn't be as stressed but since its my mom's it makes me uneasy. So now I feel relief since the walls are primed and the floor is done, well clean that is.

Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight since I got some physical activity today, but it's hard to sleep on this crappy old bed. Even if it was a nice new bed it's hard for me to sleep anywhere besides my own house and bed. Even then sleep invades me, I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep like when I was younger but it seems harder and harder to fall and stay asleep. I have insomnia but I don't want to take any thing for it, I don't like to take any kinds of medicines. I'm one of those people who get the crappy side affects, if any are possible I get it so I tend not to take anything unless I have too. I only take claritin because I have allergies other wise I would not be taking that either.

I feel tired but can I can tell I'm getting PMSsy, I always get bloated, crampy, bitchy, irritable and just plain crazy when these damn eggs fall. I can actually feel which side they fall from because it hurts. When I was younger I never had these issues, seems like since I'm getting older I'm falling apart and feeling crappier by the day. I hate PMS, it sucks, I suck when I get this way...so far I'm not there yet but when I get to that point I need to keep super busy or else I will snap. I guess part of all this craziness I keeping on top if it, knowing when and what triggers me is my best defense. I guess that is also why I don't want to take any meds for the depression because even though part of it is biological/chemical another component is how I react to it. I know what the symptoms so I need to be proactive and take care of myself before I flip out. Self control, discipline, self awareness and action are required during these times. I need to be ok for my family but more so for myself.

Writing in this blog has helped since I've been keeping up it now and also having my new blog friend. It's nice to have someone who doesn't know me yet we seem to have so much in common. I guess that is what drove me to start this blog in the first place. After reading all those other blogs I realized I wasn't the only one who felt crazy, sad, tired or really mad at their kids. Made me feel human, part of a group, something I never really felt before. I love reading blogs, although I admit I can get carried away and that's all I do. It's addicting if it's a honest perspective, those are my favorite, ones that aren't censored or edited so they don't seem controversial or unpleasant or raw. But those are the best I think, straight out forward, frank and simply put.

To poop or not to poop......

It's drizzling outside, definitely not a good hard rain, just the kind that leaves your car looking like shit. My ass is totally unmotivated, I should be helping my husband sand the walls but instead I'm surfing the Internet. I'm constipated, yep plugged up and feeling like crap...yep feeling it not taking one. I go from having days of shits to being totally blocked up...I actually prefer the runs, at least I feel light and good. Only time you realize how important it is to be regular is when you aren't.

Nothing really compares to the lightness and flow of relief from taking a good dump. Really as disgusting and uncouth as it maybe to talk about it, its only natural and it sure feels damn good when it happens. When I'm stressed my body shows it by giving me the runs or plugging me up, a few years back my doctor told me I had IBS. I noticed it got alot better once I stopped drinking (weekend binges) but its been years since I did that. It's from stress I know, like all the bumps and rash that is all over my body right now. The body definitely will let it out whether you actually do something about it or not.

I've always been irregular ever since childhood, first from fear of having tape worm when I was 5 or so. I remember to this day of the worms coming out of my butt, not a pleasant thing especially as a child. I didn't understand it all but thought any time I would poop there would be worms so I held it in, I thought it was normal to poop like every 7 days or so, I didn't realize your supposed to poop at least once a day. Well it didn't help once I hit high school I started dieting, not eating food, taking laxatives to poop. I couldn't force myself to throw up so instead I took laxatives right after I ate. Correctal was my friend, hell I even drank mineral oil, I read somewhere it helped to poop so I would drink it, it wasn't baby oil but might as well have been without the fragrance. Besides drinking I would slather it all over my body to cook in the sun. Wow what dumb ass I used to be...."youth is wasted on the young" definitely is true. It's amazing how when we were young we were so set on destroying ourselves.

Every time I try to post something on the lighter side I go completely nuts and get deep..ok caught my self so gonna end it at this...I need to take a nice shawdoobee soon!