The Calm after the storm

Right after my latest rant fest/melt down things have looked brighter. For one the next day son comes home with a bouquet of flowers and tells me how he appreciates me and loves me. The same morning I'm not yelling for baby girl to hurry up and eat, no arguments or break downs (mine) and homework after school is a breeze. She gets it, no complaining, no whining. And the crazy part is that I should be PMSing like a lunatic right now. I mean full blown anxiety, rage of hormones but nothing.

I'm not sure if part of it has to do with my diet, well I have been eating seaweed soup every day for the last two weeks. Not for every meal but at least twice a day and eating whatever else I want. I first started with just eating a soup diet but I got turned off by the first few days, so I figured why not go to having Korean seaweed soup. It really good for you and it wouldn't hurt after all this is what I had for every meal after the birth of my kids. So maybe since it's high in calcium it helping? I don't know but the fact my mind/emotions are not out of control gives me some hope that either I'm finally becoming my old self or its just sick twisted joke to make me realize how much I miss being normal! Either way I guess I better enjoy while it last.

In circles

As much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the hills, the beach, on a one way plane just outta here from my life. So I regress and complain and whine about how pitiful and lame my life is, how the daily drudgery that is my life sucks out all the hope I may have. No matter how much joy and enthusiasm I try to muster up each day it is all sucked out by what is the living parasites I call my children and my mother. Yes I do love them but the reality is I have to solve every one's problems, find something that is missing (even though its right in front of their eyes), to bake the weekly bread, to bake my mom's bread, to volunteer in class, to stay after and help, to make dinner, to pay the bills, to get our papers as well as my mom's to file taxes, to look in the ad's to find sales for groceries, to stock up on the necessities (even those I don't eat), to find ways to keep the house running, to pick up and put away things otherwise our home could be featured on hoarders. So I muster up enough energy to stay positive, in the present, to stay afloat in this chess pool that is my life. Yeah I'm bitchy and negative and most likely PMSing out but I guess it's better to rant and rave here than at my children. Gawd my life sucks....yeah I know it doesn't but for these few hours it does. (Sigh)I'm off to conquer my next goal...dinner.

Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

All in a day

It's past one Saturday morning and I'm barely winding down from day (Friday). Trick or treating was a success, gave away all the candy, we had alot of kids(at least 50+) and I got some baking done too. We made pizza for dinner so I had to make up some pizza dough, while I was in the mood I had make a double batch of chocolate ship cookies ( i freeze half of batter) and some sugar cookies. I found this awesome recipe at allrecipes.com. This sugar cookie rocked, so soft and crisp at the same time. I even ended up decorating it using a icing recipe at allrecipes, this one included using corn syrup with the milk.

I don't know if this recipe is just fool proof or I'm just better at baking now but the cookie turned out awesome, a definite keeper. It helps to read the comments by users cause they offer great suggestions and changes, that way you can make the cookies with all the suggestions. I personally added like 1/4 cup more of sugar and another tsp. of vanilla and I used the parchment paper to roll out the dough and cut out the shapes. I had it in the fridge for about 5 hours before I used it and it was so easy to use. I didn't need to add flour or sugar to keep it from sticking. I actually had my nieces help me cut out the shapes however they had to go home before I baked them. So they missed out on the best part, decorations (going to drop off some cookies to them later today).

However I had another eager group of helpers to fill in, my cousin, her son, my baby girl, and hubby decorated the cookies. Filling the whole cookie with color makes it look much prettier, although I did make some goofy looking cookies. It was fun although my feet hurt from standing most of the day. I barely finished up cleaning up all the mess, crumbs, dishes and cookie sheets at around midnight.

Then I finished imputing a few bills I received today, caught up on some blogs and now winding down for some sleep. Heading to mom's tomorrow to hopefully install the bath tub and get some more work done on the house. Hopefully the bath tub is in stock at The Home Depot, they didn't have it in stock last week. Although it did take better half of Saturday to take out the old tub and we were able to work on moving the light over and patch up the wall. Ok, hubby worked on it and I felt lazy and unmotivated, again!

Stupid pms jacked me up, having pre cramps even though it hasn't started yet. Figures I feel bloated and crampy even before the fact...lamn really hate it...good side I'm not super crazy yet and drinking the beer last night was great. I felt relaxed and got a slight buzz on, god it had been such a long time and luckily it hit the spot. I really needed it, my back/shoulder pain even disappeared for a bit. They say its healthy to have a drink now and then, maybe I will start having one a few times a week.

Pmsing, biatchy me....

It's about that time again, well err that "time" too but dinner I mean. So the hubby should be here within 45 min. but here I'am blogging instead of cooking the bacon. It maybe cause it's almost that "time of the month" again or maybe because it's totally grey and over cast today. I've had a total headache, kinda foggy although felt much better after my hot shower. My shoulder/back really ached besides everything else but that helped the headache for a bit. Maybe its the dry weather, sinus pressure...this weather has been crazy from hot to cold one to another. Regardless it sucks...I'm tired, out of it and I don't want to cook dinner. I have plenty of meal ideas and ingredients but I totally suck right now and don't want to do jack.

Excuse:
Maybe I was put into this foul mood last night by a obnoxious teenager and a annoying old woman. They really know how to push my button besides I'm totally pmsing and feel moody as shit. I ended up crying cause I was so mad, it wasn't even a big deal but it's really never about anything is it. Just a bunch of pent up emotions, with exhaustion and no me time equals crazy sobbing. Yep a cigarette, a beer, some soulful music and a good cry sounds just about right.

On a positive note(didn't think it was possible) I did start on my Christmas shopping today, via online of course and actually got 8 people off the list! And I stayed on budget too...double woohoo....not. See I know I'm in the craps....great tomorrow evening will be a night of non stop door bell and trick or treat. Well at least I'm prepared...candy check, pumpkins carved check, costumes check...gotta get that beer now. No really I think I deserve a drink, or I can always run away from home.

Truth: I'm just a crazy biatchy mom....

and then the beast reared it's ugly head.....

I know I'm PMSing but the craziness has got to stop...I don't know where the anger comes from but its insatiable monster that needs to be fed. It's all but a pin drop away before it implodes within myself. It happens monthly although lasts more than a week and then I restart all over again. Working at feeling normal again...hello is it just me?

Yet another week has past.

It's already Friday although since I stopped working its not quite the same as before. Weekends were for shopping, laundry, cleaning...no wait it is the same but now I go to my mom's house and work. Today is my cleaning/laundry day, but I say that very loosely since I haven't cleaned anything but I did three loads of laundry. Half way true so yeah I'm on schedule...pms is on schedule and kicking my ass like usual. Gotta love the clock work as the "craziness" rears its ugly head.
I really believe there should be a pms pass where a woman can leave her home (children, spouse/sig. other, mess) for a week to somewhere preferably tropical, with warm sands, water, tanned topless waiters (21-25 years of age) serving drinks and cravings all while receiving massages. Which of course is mandatory otherwise your pass would be void. :) Or if you prefer a cooler climate somewhere in the snow covered alps, lounging in a thick terry clothed robe drinking hot chocolate, coffee (spiked with alcohol) or whatever your hearts desire. Of course being served hand and foot by some hot, young service boy. Just like the tropics only in a warm and cozy resort just for pms'd mom's of course. Lots of food any kind you can possible imagine and best part yet no phones, blackberries...etc.

Ok sign me up, I'm there. Hell make it only a weekend, two nights two whole days, without any guilt from my kids, husband, family and mostly myself! Cause you know we can guilt ourselves better (besides our Korean moms) than anyone else can. Well that was nice fantasy...hey it's even tamed the pms...maybe its like meditation, transport yourself to your good place, inhale, exhale...breathe.