Puff puff

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in the back. The sick part was they were for my dad...well for him when we visited his plot, as a way of showing respect. I know very sick and distorted since that is what killed him but I guess in tradition you are to take the things that the person enjoyed in their life. I stopped going to see him because I guess I really don't think he is there.

I guess it's timely since tomorrow is his birthday, January 13 and I have to go to my mom's house to cook food for Chesa. I don't know if it's that or just my standard crazy ass PMS but I feel so crappy this week. Although walking makes me feel so much better but that fades quickly after a few hours. But the desire for that cigarette is there. Although I don't want the initial puff in which I become light headed and get a headache..that sucks but the so called relief I get from sucking in the smoke which feels like it's relaxing me in reality it is but it's really killing me. I want that sensation, I know it's false but it's a craving that's been there for the last few months. I picture myself going to the store to buy a pack so I can have my emergency death stick. But even if I was to do so the first few cigarettes would only make me feel nauseous and sick...to feel the satisfaction wouldn't come until my body fully becomes acclimated to the death vapors. So instead I'm writing about it. (Sigh)

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.

I never really feared death growing up, actually eagerly awaiting it. As I became a teenager I tried killing my self many times, I felt so much pain all I wanted was peace, not to feel the pain but sleep forever and never wake up. Part of the drinking was to numb myself, to give myself courage to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes wonder if this depression thing is really a chemical imbalance or just self-hatred. It amazes me that even now as a woman who is almost 36 I still lack the self confidence and belief in myself. I feel scared and unable, I feel so small and insignificant but worst I know i shouldn't feel this way but I do.

I know rationally that I should not feel this way but I cannot stop feeling this way. I feel numb, not in pain but I do not feel any joy either. My life is just that, not the worst, nor the best, it is stagnant. I read other people's blog and they are living their lives, their dreams, they have a focus, a hobby, something that brings them joy, their children bring them joy. I do not feel this way, I want to but I don't. I love my children and know they are precious but as of lately I'm tired, I wish to sleep, to get away from it all. I'm tired of worrying about the bills, the happiness and well being of others...I'm tired of taking care of others, I have not taken care of myself, I have lost what little self I had found, it is completely gone. I'm so far gone that I have nothing left to care about others...all the things that used to bring me joy does not.

I do not want to seek company of others, I do not want to entertain others in my home but that is in the plans. I will have guests for Thanksgiving and Christmas, hosting both events at my home. Before I never thought it as a chore or burden but now I feel overwhelmed and I'm dreading it. I don't feel like socializing, worrying about how clean the house will be, stocking up on food, thinking about what to cook...I don't know what has happened to me but all of that makes me feel anxious not joyful. The worst part is it is my husband's family so I must entertain them as well as making sure they are comfortable and well fed. No hiding out in my room. I know I suck...I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Everything feels like a burden to me.

I'm a burden to myself...I want to escape...a drink isn't going to help this time.

Going with the flow.....

I've been busy going back and forth to my mom's house every week now since my uncle died. I can't believe its been over a month now and even though I saw him pass away before my eyes it still seem surreal. I guess death is like that, even when you actually experience it first hand, well that is watching someone pass on. Having two deaths in such a short period of time sucks to say the very least, this time though I'm better prepared...sounds off but its true, we all know what to expect, what to do, I have been on auto pilot going through the motions, taking care of things.



In ways it's helped me being on this schedule of having to go to my mom's and staying for three or more days. When we are there I keep busy, clean the house, do yard work, pay bills and finish fixing up the house. This week we have to finish painting, put up the new light fixture and the one room is done. We are going to power wash the outside, look for cracks in the foundation and patch them up, besides doing the weekly mowing and edging of the grass. My husbands been great, he has been doing all the work himself even though its a first for him but he's done a great job so far. He's closed off a door from the den to the kitchen so we can make it to a real room, which we have always used it as, but now its complete and looks damn good if I say so myself. This is the first time for him for doing dry wall and such. .



I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who doesn't bitch or complain. He has to do work for his in-laws, never heard him complain. Even though my own brother doesn't ever come to help do anything let alone offer. He wants minimal to no contact with my mom and aunt. But of course he gets tons of compliments and such for sit he doesn't do...go figure.



Anyways this is a rant about the lamn Korean culture of coddling their sons but of how things have been ok so far. That keeping busy has helped me although my house has been on shafted, good thing its new and doesn't need much up keep although I could do some pruning and dead heading of some flowers. But its not a major issue.

is there life after death.......

My son "Mom is there life after death? It would suck if there wasn't right mom? "



Me "I don't know maybe so and maybe not, although if that's the case then you have total peace? If there is a life after no one knows, till they die and obviously they can't tell you."



I've wondered about that too, especially with how Christians believe if your cremated you can't go to heaven or some shit like that. Hate to admit but religion disgusts me, maybe its all those fanatical nuts out there declaring their way is the only way and everyone else will go to hell and such....ya ya ya, blah blah...shut your freaking pie hole cause you don't know shit. You haven't died yet to know whether there is a heaven or hell and who says your god is the only god. God I hate those religious righteous freaks that try and shove their stupid beliefs down others throats. Shit shove this down your throat ass hats! So I don't like religion although there was a point in my life I looked to God, I had a understanding of Christian religion because my uncle used to send us to Sunday school and church because he believed it would benefit us since we were living in the U.S. and since it was built around Christianity.



To say I liked church or understood is far from the truth, I saw my father's distaste for religion or the freaks that is, he said used to say God doesn't need your money, that's a bunch of bull shit, its the crazy minister that does. "

So I guess maybe part of my reason for such distaste of religion is from him. However shortly after I had my son when I was 20 years old I looked to God, I felt so lost and hurt, lost and empty so I sought out something besides myself. It was also convenient cause my son's dad mom was a alcoholic born again christian. So I attended church with her where I was yes, Saved...I mean the shit where I actually fell to the ground and wept. But I wept because I was in pain, pain from realizing the man I thought who loved me didn't, the man I loved cheated on me, he hit me, he used drugs, he was a alcoholic, he looked at porn, he couldn't hold a job down....he was a loser. But he was the father of my baby, he was my worst nightmare.



I had a pain inside so deep, so damn empty, my heart was broken and so was I...so I sought out God, I read the bible but I found it to be sexist, calling woman whores and harlots. I found the church members to be hypocrites, doing drugs, drinking, etc. then asking God for forgiveness, cause the devil made them do it. It was the most pathetic no one was responsible for their own actions but it was always the devil who made them do it. Also they considered it to be bad to live within the world, what the fuck? They were a bunch of freaks to say the least. So I stopped but continued reading the bible, but even that made me disgusted with religion...the things I read I questioned and damn it I didn't have blind faith. Shit only a dumb fuck who with half a brain would believe every damn thing they read however I had questions and the damn book wasn't answering any of them. I read it all but came out feeling more disillusioned and disgusted.



So I sought inner peace and answers which weren't clear cut. My mother raised me to be good, honest to others, respectful, caring...etc. all basic stuff but I realized that wasn't the case. most if not all religion looked to the bible, god to tell them about the 10 commandments...duh? What the fuck ass hats you don't know not to lie, not to kill your neighbor, listen to your parents? Lamn fucks without any morals, self consciences, respect or humility. Made me laugh, these are the ones that killed others in the name of religion. Most of all the wars throughout history was due religion, give it a rest you freaks. God ain't telling you to kill others that don't believe in him, you ass hats are. Just cause you haven't given your life over to Jesus doesn't mean your going to hell...so what every person before Jesus and such went to hell, every other religion/belief is wrong but yours?!!!



Yes religious crazies make me sick, use common sense people, oh wait you don't have any so you need a book to tell you how to be a good person, to cheat, kill others. Hey do you also notice its always the crazies that kill their babies and others that say God made them do it, or the devil/demon. Yes you crazy ass whack jobs you have no control over yourselves, your a bunch of mindless ass hats being led to slaughter.



It makes me mad and sick how the religious right use "Pro Life" although those dumb fucks want to cut the programs to help these kids they insist should be born, what the fuck? They are total hypocrites, bunch of uneducated fucks that don't know a damn thing. They are not for same sex marriage although they cheat on their wives with other men? WTF people...banging another man's ass or sucking his dick makes you gay or a freak, just cause you disguise yourself as a married man doesn't change the truth. Let others choose who they love, marry, etc. it is their lives not yours, they don't tell you to not cheat on your spouse, to stop smoking crack, to stop looking at child pornography at work. No they just want some freedoms that all Americans have. Except for child rapists...Priests and pedophiles...I say kill them all, why even waste time in incarcerating them? It has been proven time after time they cannot change their behavior, take them out of their misery and let the freaking cycle stop. These sick fucks are usually continuing the cycle because most likely they were abused as a child themselves. The Priests and the Church shit that itself a whole another entry. Can we say stupid religious ass hats saying its ok because they confessed and asked for forgiveness, lets cover up and move them elsewhere to destroy more innocent lives. Yes sick, pathetic and definitely fucked up.



Speaking of idiots my son came home last week telling me about his Geography teacher who asked a fellow student who is also Korean which side did he come from? Huh...the kid didn't say anything but looked at him like what the fuck? Didn't he know if he was from north Korea he wouldn't be here? You would think a geography teacher would know this bit of fact north Korea is communist and there is no travel in or out of it. I guess being a teacher doesn't give them half a sense nor are those damn teacher in service days helping im out? My son laughed but he was disgusted at how ignorant even adults were about basic world news. He hates it when people ask him what he is and when he tells them Korean they have no idea where that is what that is, they state Asian right? To them it's all the same thing...he's like shit its not the same cause we Asians do not understand each other because we do not speak the same language. Korean is nothing like Chinese or Japanese and no we don't understand each other unlike you Spanish speakers that can understand each other although there are some differences in dialects depending on which country they come from. He was surprised at how stupid kids and teachers were in general about other cultures and people. I told them just cause they got a college degree didn't mean shit, there are many racist, ignorant and uneducated people who went to college. Hell look at whose president now and look at the freak show republicans running for government now? Yes I'm a democrat but that being said I know there are allot of ass hats on this side too.


The cool thing is my son and I have discussion about politics, religion, and even girls. He watches the Colbert report and John Stewart on his own time...hell even I don't watch that. He is pretty damn enlightened and smart for a 15 year old. Yes I'm proud. He is everything I wasn't, good grades...he was invited to attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. Never knew anything like that existed but with his grades and interest in medicine he got invited. No I'm not imaging him being a doctor or anything like that unless he wants to be but I think its awesome cause he can experience something first hand that may or may not enlighten him. I want him to have all the opportunity and chance that I didn't.

I told him the most important thing to me is that he is happy in choosing the career he wants, something that he loves, that makes him happy, money isn't a factor but if he wants things he knows he needs to make some. He told me he wishes he had many lives cause there are so many different things he wants to do...he reminds me alt of me when I was younger, but hopefully one with support and love who can actually attempt his dreams and fulfill them.