1st Day of Kindergarten.

Today is baby girl's first day of kindergarten and even though I couldn't wait till she started I'am sad. I guess it's bitter sweet since it's an end of a era, end of her needing me so much awhile I felt so suffocated. I'm guilty of wanting my own life, my freedom knowing well enough the day would come where I would feel sad when she left my side. Finally the day has arrived, today is that day of my freedom from her constant where are you mommy, I love you mommy, mommy mommy...all the sounds I dreaded as the replayed over and over. And now I'm left feeling empty and sad...feeling guilty and sad. Silly and stupid..but then I cried even when I took my oldest to school. Guess it's a tradition for me.

Her eyes filled up with tears, as her little face became red and distressed knowing I would leave. She kept on saying please dont leave me mama, please stay....I swallowed back the lump in my throat..not wanting her to see my eyes tear up. The teacher saw she was distressed and asked her to sit by her. And I walked away...she looked at me and I smiled and turned away.

Yes a new era has started, I have my life back but I just realized she is my life.

In a Rut

Baby girl is sleeping, boy has been in his room and here we sit in the livin groom in our repsective areas on the computer. The tv is on for background noise but no one is watching it. It's friday night and this is our life every day. I dont know how it got this way but here it is.

I guess this is how they say married people get in a rut...a painful and ugly truth. I guess it's bettter than us fighting or having conflict but then is it? I mean I know what can I expect before he met me he spent his time on the computer playing Everquest. I brought on the excitment, the ideas to do things, to live life but since I'm no longer functioning like a normal human being here we sit.

I envy other people going out doing things..I used to go out and do things...I used to live life...but now here I'am. This is my life...where the fuck did my life go?

Self

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face!


So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...just rolls and more rolls. So I'm disgusted to the point of what will I do...something has to be done...drastically. OK maybe if i had enough balls to get a knife and cut them off I would..but ok back to reality not going to happen. So I wish I could magically go to sleep and wake up voila I'm thin again. This is a bad horrendous nightmare and I'm normal again. It's not wanting to be thin but normal...my normal. Where I can fit into my regular clothes...no I'm not wanting the hard body of a 20 yr old but the old me.

But I'm so afraid she is gone...like forever and this is the real me. Large, lumpy and so unhappy. How I wish for the day when I thought being 127 pds was heavy..that I'd work out to get in shape...that seems sooo long ago..something so unattainable. I have no control and I accept it..I haven't been in control forever. But I'm tired of this foreign body...I feel like I'm wearing one of those fat suits...and that underneath is the old me. I never thought I would ever get this big...I would freak out even when I was a little heavier than my normal weight..hiding in larger clothes...so what happens when the large clothes stop fitting me. What happens when medium is my normal size. But I'm not a medium anything...I'm a large 5'2 petite woman although large and petite seem like a oxymoron...like jumbo shrimp. Shit I found my word..I'm a jumbo shrimp.....ok I made myself laugh because it's funny as hell as pathetic as it all sounds and is.

Yeah, yeah fat ass drop the fork and go for a run..stop your bitching and get a grip...it's your freaking life and make it happen. But you know what it can't and it hasn't. I have become another statistic..the over weight American. Yes one of the fat pigs that super size everything and complain about everything. Do I need an ass kicking...yes I do. I need to stop the bitching and get into motion...literally and psychologically. I've been in this mental rut for too long.


I'am really tired of my fat, depressed, bitchy self! I need to get my shit together now before I ruin what's really right in my life.

Changes

Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and never brought back. Living in a fog, in dread, anger, pain and regret unable to enjoy the joy that surrounds me every day. Yes I'm already regretting, missing the sweet baby years, the curious toddler years, the anxious preteens.

My babies are growning...she is leaving for kindergarten next week and even though I eagerly awaited this date...my escape from domestic motherhood (prison) I feel a sadness and miss her already. Sure I swore and wished for this day to come, couldn't wait to get my life back but did I just miss out on the best years of my life....did I not even realize these are the days I will long for when I'm old, wrinkled and gray. When she would eagerly seek me, need me, even after a fit of tears she would come back to the reassurance of my arms. And yet I feel a relief yet empty since my role in motherhood has changed. Like when she was finally weened off the boob, it was such freedom yet I felt so sad that she would not need me to comfort her, that I was the only one who could calm her, reassure her. Sure at times it felt like a living hell but I knew it was for her good, I guess in ways that is parenthood..so damn painful and so necessary. I guess no pain no gain holds some truth to it.

She is officially 5 years old today and even though she looks the same she isn't...I measured her and she has grown at inch and half since the last time. She told me what she wanted for her birthday party..a jumper and silly string and pinta just like her cousin. She wanted Ariel on her birthday cake...sure we let her pick out the cake before but this year it was different she knew what she wanted and she asked ahead of time. Her party was the best ever she said..probably cause she will remember it.

Finally here is the change I awaited and yet I still feel the same...just a bit sad and regretful but haven't I felt this all along. I keep waiting for tomorrow to live my life and yet I have wasted the life I'm living now. Am'I cheating myself but more importantly my family of not being here.

I look a myself and I do not like the person I have become..I realize this is me, there isn't the old me in here but this is who I'am. I need to stop searching for what I thought was me..because even those times I was still searching for the person I used to or wanted to be. Why can't I ever just be happy with me and the right now. I know change is important but more so a fact of life yet why is it that I can not, have not ever been happy with who I'am. I guess the reality is that I have never liked me at the right now..it was always an idea of what I wanted to be or what I thought I was but when I actually look back at myself I was miserable, unsatisfied, searching for a better me even then.

This isn't saying that I'm accepting the bigger than life version of me cause really I can't stand being this big...I see myself but I don't see me..it's weird back when I was skinny as hell I always looked fat but now when I see myself I don't feel that big until I see some picture of myself. Holy shit I'm huge...so I guess I'm in denial and not having a full length mirror helps. Even thought I wear huge clothes, it still doesn't hit me till the pictures. I know it's goning to take work to take off all this fat, unlike ever before but you know it doesn't help matters to be hormonal. I'm feeling a bit crazy, emotional and sorry for myself blahs...I wish the stupid period would hurry up and start. I need to either start losing weight or just accept this is me and start buying clothes to flatter the fat!

Please excuse the writing (lack of grammer, spelling, sentence structure etc). I write this as it comes out, vomit.

It has been a long time since I wrote but I really had nothing to write about. Life has gone by and it has been the same thing, only the physical date changes but I'm frozen in time. I have not changed, I have not lost weight, I have not gone to a doctor, dentist...I'm afloat in my vast sea of despair. But it's not in turmoil of waves or a storm but alone far from any land. I have no paddle, just floating along, no sharks in sight, no rescue ships either, no search planes...nothing but myself helpless yet not in deep despair. I survive, the days go by but I do not live. One can't live while floating alone in the vast deep ocean. The days all seem the same, they are the same, repetition and yet deep down I'm drowning in my own self. I scream but nothing comes out of my mouth...I reach out so I can help myself but I only push myself in deeper. I watch myself drowning in my own emptiness and I don't care.

I never imagined myself as an adult I always thought I would die at a young age and the thought of death never scared me. It still doesn't..yes I'm a coward because I don't care because I have seemed to have lived my entire life to receive approval from my family. The few times I tried to do what I believed I wanted failed so miserably, so the last 15 years I have tired to live for what I knew was the "right way". But with it comes the realization that I'm gone...that I hate myself for not following what I wanted in my life. I say my life so easily yet it really isn't my own. I don't know if it has to do with being Korean female or is it my own disfunctional family but wanting nothing more than their approval, acceptance from people who can't. I have given up my own dreams and self and here I "live" this life I do not want. I have faced the truth and it is clear that I was so damn busy trying to win approval to be accepted that here I live a life I do not want. I'm so miserable because being a good housewife, mother, daughter is not what I want. I wanted to travel, to see the world, I did not want to be tied down to a house, a mortgage, the perfect subrbabn housewife. I wanted so much more, as my life quickly passes me by I'am bound in chains of my own making to a life I do not want. I look into lives of others envious and in awe of how they live their lives as they wanted, not bound by chains or tradition but by their own desires. I'm trapped into this life by own making suffering in regret and anger at myself for not following my own dream. I'm that little girl who so desperately wants approval and acceptance but regardless of what I do it will never happen since I was not born a boy. It does not matter that I sacrifice my own life as well as my own family I will never be accepted the way I should. I have taken on the roles of husband, son while only a daughter.

I'm bitter, but more so angry at myself for doing things that aren't asked of me yet feeling hopeless since I'm the only one willing to do it all. I can't complain since I did it on my own...I'm disgusted by customs, by the blindness of the older generation of their love of their sons and burden of their daughters. Yet it is the daughter that has done everything and yet I do not hear any good from it...mere words do not the change the fact when the son does appear once and their is joy and pride in my mother's eyes. One day of small work brings praise and poor thing must be tired...yet the endless hours, days, weekends, months of work from their son-in-law does not bring in such joy or pride. Yes it makes me angry and disgusted at the favoritism that is so obvious, I hate that I have even started this and I wish I could turn my back and be the stranger that daughters are to be. Not to get involved but watch from far away...let her son's take care of her needs, but here I have attached myself even more so to her. Her needless nagging and complaining, nothing ever being good enough. I hate myself looking for her approval, being careful of how things are done cause I look at things in her eyes...looking for the mistakes. I'am her, the constant correcting, complaining, never grateful but self sacrificing yet so bitter woman.

I hate myself for what I have become, not just for the fat, but the person inside. The person I have lost, the laughter, the one living life, not shuttered inside her own home, the one with many friends, the one who loved doing things, being out doors not a prisoner of my own making. I'm screaming, trying to claw out of my own padded room. But I do not let her out, I hold the key yet I cannot turn it to free myself.

So in the vast, empty sea I float alone screaming to get off yet no one is around to hear me let alone myself. I'm pitiful and sad because I do not have the balls to free myself.

It's all in the details!

We finally ripped out all the old cabinets and are preparing for the new cabinet installation. It has been a tedious and dreary journey because the old ladies are living under the construction and with no kitchen. The bathroom remodels went smoothly since there was always one bathroom available but not having a kitchen is causing some stress and headaches. That's on their end but it hasn't been a joy ride for me either. Man no wonder people hire contractors to coordinate, find, price, etc for remodels. Although I should shut up since the timing so far has been pretty smooth. If things go according to plan (cross my fingers) they will have their new kitchen by next Saturday the latest.

So its all in the damn details...we have to first get a plumber to cut off and cap off the old drainage for the washing machine...yeah its a older house that had a hook up for a washer in the kitchen but before my uncle built around the drainage but this time we were told clearly to have it removed before the cabinet installer arrives. The hot and cold water pipes were successful turned in although my husband had to do some work on the hot water pipe to tap it off. The old gas line was successful capped off too but the stupid drain pipe didn't move a budge. We know when to hire a professional and this is definitely time. So we have called three plumbers to get an estimate of what the damage will be however they aren't very good about phone estimates. They want to come over to see the job or will give you a flat hour rate of $85 so we will have to decide by tonight which way to go. I will have to go tomorrow to accept delivery of the cabinet and appliances(make sure all the stuff is there) and sand the wall and finish priming them. Hopefully we will also get a visit from a honest plumber to fix the problem cause the cabinet installer will be coming on Monday. We met with the granite guy today and he will come in after the installation on Tuesday and said they will install on Thursday, latest Friday so the old ladies can have their kitchen back by next weekend!

I got lucky in that the hubby was able to reroute the heating vent from the wall to the ceiling, besides doing dry wall, wiring and tiling. Did I mention how lucky I'm to have such a handy guy. This is a guy who has never ever did anything handy in his life before he met me. I'm the brains and he is the muscle in our team..he isn't good working outside of the box, that's where I come in...growing up without I learned to be resourceful/ghetto making do with out having the proper tools to get the job done. So we make a kick ass team, although got to admit I'm getting tired and can't wait for all remodel stuff to be over so we can have out weekends back again!

So far we are coming in budget since we are doing most of all the labor...I just hope the 10k left will be enough for the rest of the house! Reminds me when we sued to watch the Home flipping shows when the market was hot...it looked so exciting and fun. I'd joke to the hubby maybe we should do that...yeah right, uh after this I won't do another remodel again, unless I get paid!

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.

Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.