It's all in the details!

We finally ripped out all the old cabinets and are preparing for the new cabinet installation. It has been a tedious and dreary journey because the old ladies are living under the construction and with no kitchen. The bathroom remodels went smoothly since there was always one bathroom available but not having a kitchen is causing some stress and headaches. That's on their end but it hasn't been a joy ride for me either. Man no wonder people hire contractors to coordinate, find, price, etc for remodels. Although I should shut up since the timing so far has been pretty smooth. If things go according to plan (cross my fingers) they will have their new kitchen by next Saturday the latest.

So its all in the damn details...we have to first get a plumber to cut off and cap off the old drainage for the washing machine...yeah its a older house that had a hook up for a washer in the kitchen but before my uncle built around the drainage but this time we were told clearly to have it removed before the cabinet installer arrives. The hot and cold water pipes were successful turned in although my husband had to do some work on the hot water pipe to tap it off. The old gas line was successful capped off too but the stupid drain pipe didn't move a budge. We know when to hire a professional and this is definitely time. So we have called three plumbers to get an estimate of what the damage will be however they aren't very good about phone estimates. They want to come over to see the job or will give you a flat hour rate of $85 so we will have to decide by tonight which way to go. I will have to go tomorrow to accept delivery of the cabinet and appliances(make sure all the stuff is there) and sand the wall and finish priming them. Hopefully we will also get a visit from a honest plumber to fix the problem cause the cabinet installer will be coming on Monday. We met with the granite guy today and he will come in after the installation on Tuesday and said they will install on Thursday, latest Friday so the old ladies can have their kitchen back by next weekend!

I got lucky in that the hubby was able to reroute the heating vent from the wall to the ceiling, besides doing dry wall, wiring and tiling. Did I mention how lucky I'm to have such a handy guy. This is a guy who has never ever did anything handy in his life before he met me. I'm the brains and he is the muscle in our team..he isn't good working outside of the box, that's where I come in...growing up without I learned to be resourceful/ghetto making do with out having the proper tools to get the job done. So we make a kick ass team, although got to admit I'm getting tired and can't wait for all remodel stuff to be over so we can have out weekends back again!

So far we are coming in budget since we are doing most of all the labor...I just hope the 10k left will be enough for the rest of the house! Reminds me when we sued to watch the Home flipping shows when the market was hot...it looked so exciting and fun. I'd joke to the hubby maybe we should do that...yeah right, uh after this I won't do another remodel again, unless I get paid!

I don't like motherhood or is it me?

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the dissatisfaction if a unhappy house wife, a disgruntled mother. I want out of this life, yes the life I chose, the children I decided to have, the house I wanted to buy, the life I wanted? I have no one to blame but myself and so I'm taking it but as I accept my fate I still thinks it sucks.

I'm not motherly, warm, kind, loving or comforting...if my child falls I get mad and tell 'em see that's what you get for ...etc., I don't run over to them and comfort them, I get irritated when they whine and cry. I'm not patient when they are sick..it makes me sick and anxious because I'm afraid, I feel helpless I can't make them better when they are in pain. I have weird ways of showing my love and concern. I have no patience but whenever they are sick I pray, that I swear I will be better parent, that I won't yell that I will be more patient. I try to accept what is on my plate to make the damn lemonade with these lemons but you know what it's sour as hell and no matter how hard I try this shit just ain't drinkable.

Yep the good happy feelings have gone out the door just as fast as it came it went. I'm totally dissatisfied with my life, ok so I have been and what little notion where I thought I was has gone. I hate my life, I admit it and I know I'm ungrateful, selfish and stupid but I can't help it. I tried working and working but I'm tired and burnt out of giving and giving, of following the right thing to do, but it sucks ass.

Maybe its time to go get some drugs since I can't seem to make it ok on my own. So next step is getting something for the depression...either it will help me or make go into the deep end. My friend's husband was depressed and was prescribed Prozac and after he went nuts. Like beating up his wife, threatening someone with a gun, getting paranoid someone was following him...it was scary shit because before this he was a very soft spoken docile man. Turns out one of the side effects can make you have schizo behavior. But then i know there are tons of people who swear by them...I just hope the doc prescribes me the right shit and right dosage.

Two Years

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much to say but the emptiness remains. My heart still breaks and nothing will ever change that. Yes with time we are able to forget, it is true because to remain so deeply focused on your passing on brings on more pain. Only with the passing days, months and years will it be more bearable to go on.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted because deep within are tears of sorrow and regret. I'm unable to release them for I have tried so hard to bury then and move forward. But the reality is that the pain is still there, that today on the anniversary of your death I have so much to say to you. Not in front of others, but silently in mind head. I haven't visited you much at all because in doing so I feel as if I cannot move forward. I have been trying and in many ways I have but the fact remains I will always miss you.


I have little on no motivation to write, I'm not in complete turmoil which seems to generate the words that i need to express and cannot but here. I have been trying to work on the physical parts of me, as working on the inner parts mean I focus on the outside, of what i put in the inside.

I hope next year this day will find me in a better place, healed emotionally and physically well. I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to feel good.
I miss you dad, I love you.

Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Face book...it's an addiction

Lately I've spent most of my online time of Face book, I was slow to warm up not adding any friends but slowly I was getting more and more friend requests. Before I knew it I was hooked..full blown addicted to finding those damn "hatchlings" one of their many applications, looking up "old friends" and seeing what they been up to after high school. So typical most of all the popular people are losers now, the quiet geeky kids full blown successes..getting their PhD's, owning their own software companies, traveling the world and way better looking then they used to be, hello Ugly Duckling! Got to admit I'm envious of their lives unlike the popular kids, uh well they had their glory moments way back then and obviously burned the candle on both ends..they look like shit. Middle aged, old, wrinkled...really bad. I have to say days like this it pays off to be Korean/Asian, sure once we hit like 70 we get super freakin wrinkled and old over night but till then we look pretty damn good and I mean without any work! It's weird cause I remember everyone from how they used to look way back in elementary school, junior high and high school but now they look so old.

Shit I'm middle aged and I didn't even know it...I know I wasn't young but I didn't realize I was this old! Besides the extra pounds I feel so much better...I know that's bad but it feels good knowing I don't look that old...I hate to say it but its true blonds/white people burn out fast. So as time goes by I'm grateful for being Korean, yes seems superficial but what can I say but the truth. It sucks to age, that's why everyone is into plastic surgery etc. besides the sun damage from my tanning days I'm not that old looking after all.

Disney...happiest place on earth...NOT!

We went on a mini family vacation to Disneyland courtesy of my mother-in-law(she paid) this last weekend. This last summer we went to San Diego with her and the hubby's nephew and it was over all a pleasant experience. So when she suggested another trip to Disneyland I didn't give second thought to it. I should have taken note why my brother in law and his wife declined on vacationing with her and went without her to Disneyland this last thanksgiving when they came down. I guess either I'm in denial or dense...I will blame it on the fogginess of depression. Well what should have been a wonderful trip with memories of bonding and happiness it turned out a trip from hell. Since my meeting with her I have been respectful and accommodating to this woman who gave life to my darling husband...I did not want the stigma of the over bearing mother-in-law to taint our relationship. I swear no matter how opinionated and snooty she could get I dealt with it with a smile and even a laugh. I followed what she wanted, bent over backwards to welcome her and make her feel comfortable, cooked meals for her, cleaned up after her, had endless hours of conversation with her about knitting, sewing, how great she is....all a while all my dear hubby was at work or in another room avoiding her. I did it with grace, acceptance and yes duty. After all this woman gave birth and raised my sweet and agreeable husband....could she be as bad as what my sister-in-law told me to be.

Last year for my mother-in-laws hang gap (60th Birthday) we drove up to Sacramento to throw her a surprise birthday party...yes my idea since I was raised with Korean tradition of 60th birthday's as a big deal. My husband is American Chinese so I figured it would only be right since our cultures are similar. Well during that visit my sister-in-law and I were able to talk one on one about how they resented us because of what my MIL was saying about us..."you know they do this...and this...why can't you guys do this...so this invisible tension was looming between the siblings and their spouses because this woman had the audacity to make comparisons of her grown sons. It turns out my husbands younger brother can not stand his mother even though she watches their little boy. I guess she was abusive stating he was stupid..etc as a child and he still holds a grudge to her. All I got from my husband was she yelled alot and he ignored her...he did what she wanted to shut her up...in their minds my husband was the favorite son, although in reality he was the favorite. This was noted my own observations and aunt and uncle-in-law.

I didn't let any of this really taint my opinions of her...I thought parents are tough on the oldest usually and let it be that. But now I realize how selfish and narrow minded she is. She thinks she is always right an her way is the right way...father-in-law was a sweet man who gave into his wife. He was a very soft spoken and kind man.

Music

I have forgotten how much I love music, they way it sooths me, the way the words express what is in my soul. It seems I had lost all aspects of my being including the emotions I feel from music. Currently I'm listening to my collection of music on my laptop and can't understand why I didn't turn on the volume and push play. Yes I'm enjoying music again...I feel alive, I feel happy. Listening to the music I want to dance, my body moves, I sway, my legs tap...I'm singing.

Being depressed really did suck out every aspect of my life. It seems strange but your are a prisoner in your own body, where you cannot control the deep darkness that grabs a hold of you, the energy and life leaves you deflated and hopeless. But you know you shouldn't feel this way but no matter how hard you try to pull yourself out of the darkness its useless. It is a scary place to be full of uncertainty and pain. You feel pathetic for feeling this way but you cannot change it...you do try but it doesn't go away only when it is ready to. I don't know if my grief ran its natural course or its the vitamins I'm taking but I'm back. I don't want to say all is well but I've felt happy, real joy and I laughed. It's been slow but this entire week I've felt happiness....yes real happiness where I feel it through out my entire body. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I'm happy.

One step at a time

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has lifted but I know it lingers listlessly waiting to envelope me in its restlessness and confusing haze. But as of right now I've escaped its grasps. I know I will never completely be free of it but I know to keep ahead of it I must live in the moment. I must not look back to see why its there but move forward with my day. Yes I feel ok, even good although I fear saying those words will jinx my progress, the painful slow steps in which I have overcome it. It's a race in which I have to win, I have no choice because the reality is that I have too much depending on me to give into it. It has grasped me deeper and stronger than it has ever but I have won this race, at least for the time being I'm stronger than it.

I'm still a work in progress...I have been torn apart but I stand strong on my foundation which has never left me, a foundation in which I'm held tightly by love, my family. No matter how insecure and uncertain I have been it is the security and belief from them that has kept me from completely losing all sense of myself. They are the core strength and hope that keep me going even though I feel as if I have nothing left. They are the ones that depend on me, the ones that keep my light from burning out, the warmth that draws me back in even when I feel as if I have lost my way.

Enlightment

In the mist of the storm we are working under stress, being guided by emotions and adrenaline where action is necessary for survival. But the dust settles and we can take a step back and really see what is in front of us because in the momentum of we lose track of what really matters. We lose what is really important the day to day matters that face us, not the extreme answers that seemed to suffice when action was needed but today.
I had been reluctantly making decisions for my mother the last two years because she was unable to. However I can finally take that weight off my shoulders because she is stronger and she is able to take charge of her life once again. Even though I really do not want her and my aunt to live with us it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, however now I realize she may feel more comfortable with her own place. Although at this point even though I directly ask her what she wants she doesn't give me a direct answer.