Going with the flow.....

I've been busy going back and forth to my mom's house every week now since my uncle died. I can't believe its been over a month now and even though I saw him pass away before my eyes it still seem surreal. I guess death is like that, even when you actually experience it first hand, well that is watching someone pass on. Having two deaths in such a short period of time sucks to say the very least, this time though I'm better prepared...sounds off but its true, we all know what to expect, what to do, I have been on auto pilot going through the motions, taking care of things.



In ways it's helped me being on this schedule of having to go to my mom's and staying for three or more days. When we are there I keep busy, clean the house, do yard work, pay bills and finish fixing up the house. This week we have to finish painting, put up the new light fixture and the one room is done. We are going to power wash the outside, look for cracks in the foundation and patch them up, besides doing the weekly mowing and edging of the grass. My husbands been great, he has been doing all the work himself even though its a first for him but he's done a great job so far. He's closed off a door from the den to the kitchen so we can make it to a real room, which we have always used it as, but now its complete and looks damn good if I say so myself. This is the first time for him for doing dry wall and such. .



I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who doesn't bitch or complain. He has to do work for his in-laws, never heard him complain. Even though my own brother doesn't ever come to help do anything let alone offer. He wants minimal to no contact with my mom and aunt. But of course he gets tons of compliments and such for sit he doesn't do...go figure.



Anyways this is a rant about the lamn Korean culture of coddling their sons but of how things have been ok so far. That keeping busy has helped me although my house has been on shafted, good thing its new and doesn't need much up keep although I could do some pruning and dead heading of some flowers. But its not a major issue.

is there life after death.......

My son "Mom is there life after death? It would suck if there wasn't right mom? "



Me "I don't know maybe so and maybe not, although if that's the case then you have total peace? If there is a life after no one knows, till they die and obviously they can't tell you."



I've wondered about that too, especially with how Christians believe if your cremated you can't go to heaven or some shit like that. Hate to admit but religion disgusts me, maybe its all those fanatical nuts out there declaring their way is the only way and everyone else will go to hell and such....ya ya ya, blah blah...shut your freaking pie hole cause you don't know shit. You haven't died yet to know whether there is a heaven or hell and who says your god is the only god. God I hate those religious righteous freaks that try and shove their stupid beliefs down others throats. Shit shove this down your throat ass hats! So I don't like religion although there was a point in my life I looked to God, I had a understanding of Christian religion because my uncle used to send us to Sunday school and church because he believed it would benefit us since we were living in the U.S. and since it was built around Christianity.



To say I liked church or understood is far from the truth, I saw my father's distaste for religion or the freaks that is, he said used to say God doesn't need your money, that's a bunch of bull shit, its the crazy minister that does. "

So I guess maybe part of my reason for such distaste of religion is from him. However shortly after I had my son when I was 20 years old I looked to God, I felt so lost and hurt, lost and empty so I sought out something besides myself. It was also convenient cause my son's dad mom was a alcoholic born again christian. So I attended church with her where I was yes, Saved...I mean the shit where I actually fell to the ground and wept. But I wept because I was in pain, pain from realizing the man I thought who loved me didn't, the man I loved cheated on me, he hit me, he used drugs, he was a alcoholic, he looked at porn, he couldn't hold a job down....he was a loser. But he was the father of my baby, he was my worst nightmare.



I had a pain inside so deep, so damn empty, my heart was broken and so was I...so I sought out God, I read the bible but I found it to be sexist, calling woman whores and harlots. I found the church members to be hypocrites, doing drugs, drinking, etc. then asking God for forgiveness, cause the devil made them do it. It was the most pathetic no one was responsible for their own actions but it was always the devil who made them do it. Also they considered it to be bad to live within the world, what the fuck? They were a bunch of freaks to say the least. So I stopped but continued reading the bible, but even that made me disgusted with religion...the things I read I questioned and damn it I didn't have blind faith. Shit only a dumb fuck who with half a brain would believe every damn thing they read however I had questions and the damn book wasn't answering any of them. I read it all but came out feeling more disillusioned and disgusted.



So I sought inner peace and answers which weren't clear cut. My mother raised me to be good, honest to others, respectful, caring...etc. all basic stuff but I realized that wasn't the case. most if not all religion looked to the bible, god to tell them about the 10 commandments...duh? What the fuck ass hats you don't know not to lie, not to kill your neighbor, listen to your parents? Lamn fucks without any morals, self consciences, respect or humility. Made me laugh, these are the ones that killed others in the name of religion. Most of all the wars throughout history was due religion, give it a rest you freaks. God ain't telling you to kill others that don't believe in him, you ass hats are. Just cause you haven't given your life over to Jesus doesn't mean your going to hell...so what every person before Jesus and such went to hell, every other religion/belief is wrong but yours?!!!



Yes religious crazies make me sick, use common sense people, oh wait you don't have any so you need a book to tell you how to be a good person, to cheat, kill others. Hey do you also notice its always the crazies that kill their babies and others that say God made them do it, or the devil/demon. Yes you crazy ass whack jobs you have no control over yourselves, your a bunch of mindless ass hats being led to slaughter.



It makes me mad and sick how the religious right use "Pro Life" although those dumb fucks want to cut the programs to help these kids they insist should be born, what the fuck? They are total hypocrites, bunch of uneducated fucks that don't know a damn thing. They are not for same sex marriage although they cheat on their wives with other men? WTF people...banging another man's ass or sucking his dick makes you gay or a freak, just cause you disguise yourself as a married man doesn't change the truth. Let others choose who they love, marry, etc. it is their lives not yours, they don't tell you to not cheat on your spouse, to stop smoking crack, to stop looking at child pornography at work. No they just want some freedoms that all Americans have. Except for child rapists...Priests and pedophiles...I say kill them all, why even waste time in incarcerating them? It has been proven time after time they cannot change their behavior, take them out of their misery and let the freaking cycle stop. These sick fucks are usually continuing the cycle because most likely they were abused as a child themselves. The Priests and the Church shit that itself a whole another entry. Can we say stupid religious ass hats saying its ok because they confessed and asked for forgiveness, lets cover up and move them elsewhere to destroy more innocent lives. Yes sick, pathetic and definitely fucked up.



Speaking of idiots my son came home last week telling me about his Geography teacher who asked a fellow student who is also Korean which side did he come from? Huh...the kid didn't say anything but looked at him like what the fuck? Didn't he know if he was from north Korea he wouldn't be here? You would think a geography teacher would know this bit of fact north Korea is communist and there is no travel in or out of it. I guess being a teacher doesn't give them half a sense nor are those damn teacher in service days helping im out? My son laughed but he was disgusted at how ignorant even adults were about basic world news. He hates it when people ask him what he is and when he tells them Korean they have no idea where that is what that is, they state Asian right? To them it's all the same thing...he's like shit its not the same cause we Asians do not understand each other because we do not speak the same language. Korean is nothing like Chinese or Japanese and no we don't understand each other unlike you Spanish speakers that can understand each other although there are some differences in dialects depending on which country they come from. He was surprised at how stupid kids and teachers were in general about other cultures and people. I told them just cause they got a college degree didn't mean shit, there are many racist, ignorant and uneducated people who went to college. Hell look at whose president now and look at the freak show republicans running for government now? Yes I'm a democrat but that being said I know there are allot of ass hats on this side too.


The cool thing is my son and I have discussion about politics, religion, and even girls. He watches the Colbert report and John Stewart on his own time...hell even I don't watch that. He is pretty damn enlightened and smart for a 15 year old. Yes I'm proud. He is everything I wasn't, good grades...he was invited to attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. Never knew anything like that existed but with his grades and interest in medicine he got invited. No I'm not imaging him being a doctor or anything like that unless he wants to be but I think its awesome cause he can experience something first hand that may or may not enlighten him. I want him to have all the opportunity and chance that I didn't.

I told him the most important thing to me is that he is happy in choosing the career he wants, something that he loves, that makes him happy, money isn't a factor but if he wants things he knows he needs to make some. He told me he wishes he had many lives cause there are so many different things he wants to do...he reminds me alt of me when I was younger, but hopefully one with support and love who can actually attempt his dreams and fulfill them.

all's ok for now....

I turned on the water, cracked open the window, turned on the fans and turned up the volume. Finally a moment to myself, I knew the matches were on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet, for my candles of course. The devilish stick that sent my father to his grave was in my lips, I lit the match and inhaled, yes inhaled and damn it felt good...I know sad, sick but its the only thing I had left, my last vice. Ok it stunk and I really couldn't inhale anymore more after the first hit, I was getting a nasty head rush, never liked those, always happens when you haven't smoked in awhile. Someone people love it but I hate it, makes me feel sick....I tried to take a few more drags since I went to the trouble to lit it anyways, but it was nasty. I dropped it into the dixi cup, it sizzled in the water, poof and died, slow hazy smoke. It was nasty, into the garbage it went, had to tie off the bag. It stank, the entire bathroom stank, hopefully the candle I lit would kill the scent? Didn't matter now...hell its about time I utilized my jacuzzi tub, only used it three times at most, lamn. Almost three years in the house and used it only three times...lamn lamn.

Nice hot water, hot jet streams on my toes?...terrible design, why would you have jets pointed at your feet and not around the neck or shoulders...hell that's where all my tensions is, not on my feet or legs.....gotta switch my ass around the opposite direction to get the jets to where it'll help.
Too bad I can't hear the music since the damn jets are so loud, but its nice....too bad I gotta scrub off the dae(dirt, old skin) grabbed the handy dandy red korean sandcloth, the shit that rubs your skin off but feels so good after? Shit I'm so korean, I guess all those years of having my skin scrubbed off as a child made me in to a freak. Isn't weird after you scrub off all the dae, rinse, lather the cloth with soap scrub once more and then rinse off. Yes you feel so damn clean and smooth and new...nothing like that feeling, you hated it as a child, feared it, cowered into the corner hoping your mother didn't get a hold of you cause you knew the torture would start and it wouldn't stop until you were brightly red, with layers of dae on your arm, had to be red to make sure it came off. Even when you begged for her to stop she wouldn't until she got a good layer or two of your skin off, only until then were you clean. Shit yes now I look forward to that, it hurts but feels good? Had I become some masochistic freak that's get off on her own skin being scrubbed off? Naw I'm just your typical korean woman getting clean.

Nicely raw and red from the scrubbing I feel better, can't stand to see my naked body with all its extra rolls and fat but its ok. Too lazy to put on lotion, hell I remember the days I would never miss putting lotion all over my body...hmmm that was before the kids, before the husband, time I had to be vain, self-centered and focus on myself. But that's ok too tired a d lazy anyways, besides too much to lotion up now, too much area and I'm lazy and tired.


I laid down and watched tv for the rest of the day, I sent the child outside with her father. I sent him outside to finally finish installing the lights on our new concrete posts. Why is is that I have to tell this man what to do, when to do it and how??? I have three kids not two, love the man but he is a child, needing guidance in everything he does. It tires me, I hate telling him what he needs to do, I hate telling all of them what to do, and they wonder why I'm a crazy nagging witch. I retire, I quit, I want to run away, so they can be at peace, so I can be at peace. Ok a wild fantasy, but its ok for now. I got my break for the moment. That's all I need a break, a break from her, them, all of them...a moment for myself to shed my tears, to feel like shit.

Today I don't feel bad, I'm ok...I just don't want to feel like yesterday, those days suck...I need my break, a brief moment away from all of them.

feeling shitty....

I hate HATE feeling this way...that weird antsy crazy feeling within yourself where you feel like crawling out of your skin. The crazy intensity and buzzing that comes with it...I hate it. I feel crazy, literally when I feel this way, my head hurts, I feel shaky, nauseous and tense all at once. I don't always feel this way, but when I feel this way I can't sleep, I feel like I'm amped. Is this the manic part in the being bi-polar, I have no fucking idea although I know it comes when I'm extremely stressed out. I'm stressed out, sometimes I think I actually do my best in stress, I get so much done, constantly going but once I stop I'm exhausted. I feel exhausted alot now, I go from days of doing nothing literally, so damn tired and then go for days with constant activity and doing stuff. I feel the best when I'm doing stuff non stop, it keeps my mind off of stuff. It makes me feel like I'm getting things accomplished but I hate feeling exhausted, so damn tired and the aches I feel in my shoulders, neck. I still have that damn burning sensation in the deep of my shoulder between the shoulder blades...it sucks.
My daughter is crying right now and I want to smack her, I put he rout on corner time because she was playing her usual I want this... and once I serve it "no I don't want it" I've had it being her personal servant, I've had it with all the whinnying and demands. Shit what about my demands?! What about my needs....what about my time and space without eyes peering at my while I'm taking a dump, the constant demands and wants that I have to fulfill to every one but me!

What happened to me....why is it that I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole where I will never find myself, only being ripped into pieces by everyone needs and demands. I want out.
I want out of this insanity, this constant need to satisfy everyone else's needs, to feel that my worth is equated with what I do for others. Although even then I do not feel that is recognized but taken for granted, expected while my brother's do not do anything but are constantly dotted on and revered, I'm tired of being the freaking korean daughter. Fuck them all, they can go to hell with their freaking traditions, their patriarchal society, their freaking name sake, tradition and family line...fuck them all. I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm tired of destroying myself to compete in a world where I'm no one, where all I do does not mean much but only is taken for granted. Fuck the extended family, fuck stretching and taxing myself for others while I and my own family suffer.
I realize I'm following in my own sick parents step in putting others needs before my own kids and spouse. I did not realize ow sick they really were until my my told me:you should tell your aunt so they don't blame you." Huh? WTF! This is regarding the delay in cremation of my uncle because he had radiation pellets put into his prostate because he had prostate cancer. He had bought a policy from the Neptune society for himself and my aunt last year. It was supposed to be so easy and simple but it turned into some drama. It turned out he was radioactive so they could not cremate him, it was illegal. So we had to track down his doctor, or someone who would take it out of him. Luckily it was pretty painless...although he died August 12 and he barely got cremated yesterday I believe. The conversation with my mother occurred when I called to find out when his ashes would return back to Santa Barbara because his body was in L.A. where their facility was. The guy he will call and find out (this is two week) then he calls to tell me they can't cremate him cause his body is still registering for radioactivity! Shit so they will return his body again and the pathologist at the hospital will remove whatever else is registering and scan it before they send him down again. I told my mom since she wanted to know when his ashes would be ready. This is when I tell her of the complication but I told her I wont tell aunt since I don't think she needs to know about the latest problem. This is where she says I should tell her so I wont get blamed. HUh??? WTF really how in the hell is it my fault that they can't cremate his body because of radioactivity? Because I'm god?Because I'm the messenger, the one who has do the dirty work and deal with the stress??? I don't get it...why are korean women so freaking lame. Just her thought process tripped me out.

I'm spewing cause she called me to see whats going on...and her comments and statements annoy the fuck out of me. SHe drives me nuts with her constant bitching, comments (stuff to make me a better person) her constant belittling, correcting, And I'm the bad one when I stick up for myself or my kids. Fuck her and her pathetic martyr attitude while she is killing me and making me fucken suffer so she can look good. I 've had it with my family...I've had it with my fucked up upbringing. Her constant dotting and love for her precious son's even those bastard don't do a damn thing for her, only to avoid her yet I'm the fucked up one. Fuck her and my family, they suck!

why the f*** DID i START THIS THING?

Funny thing is that I haven't written much in here nor is it giving me the outlet to vent as I thought it would. Alot of things have happened and none good. My uncle died August 12, from internal bleeding but he had many more other health issues besides that. He was, no is my uncle who married my father's oldest sister, my aunt. They are the ones who live with my mom, the ones that cause more grief and stress for my mom. The ones with endless health issues, endless late night visits to the ER, we joked they were frequent fliers/ER'eers. It is so weird how one dies they are just gone, you know like they never existed besides for the ones that hold the memory of their loved ones. Sometimes life feels so long, and hard but then when I see how fast my kids have grown or how old I have gotten I realize how short life really is.

All things considering I'm ok...I've inherited the paperwork and financial and legal things concerning my aunt and uncle. But not a big deal since I had taken over doing my mom's bills and stuff. I'm on automatic after all its my aunt we need to be there for...its weird how the only time we can cry are late at night when everyone else is sleeping, or when we are alone driving in our car or in the shower. It hurts, I hurt, I miss my uncle, I miss my dad...death sucks, getting old sucks. I hate that I cannot be ok for my kids or more so for my self. It amazes me how well I function when it comes to others but I'm so empty when it comes to myself. I'm tired and yet I'm tired of feeling like shit, of feeling empty and so sad and hurt. I want to move forward...hell that is why I haven't visited my dad's grave either cause I don't want to think about him because it makes me stop wanting to live, to snap out of this crap. But here my uncle dies...sad to say in ways its a relief because taking care of sick old people sucks. It drains the very life out of you, because there is nothing you can do to make things better. The thing I have most in the inability to take the pain anyway from the ones I love, even like. I hate not being able to solve their pain, to ease their sorrow, to wipe away their emptiness. I hurt for all the pain there is and wish that there is none in that other life.

I'm not religious but I want to believe their is something better, that this life isn't just for the hell of it but we find meaning and give meaning in this lives of ours. My baby girl asks me what died was? I told he uncle John dies, like Papa, so she asked where died was? So I told her he went to heaven...kinda sad since I don't really believe in a heaven and hell thing, or do I? As I face immortality it doesn't scare me, although it never did, that is my own but that I feared that of my loved ones...my mom and dad. So now being faced with death once again I'm sad more than anything...the greatest fear I had has happened twice...I've lost my father, he is only a memory but damn it I miss him so much! He was far too young...he and my mom didn't get to enjoy their time together. Their time was cut short...my mom tells me the happiest time in her life was when she was a young stay at home mom in korea...bathing her babies, feeding us, cooking, waiting for my father to come home from work. She says those were the best times in her life, when she was young and in love waiting for my father to come home, being a mom taking care of her babies. She says she never realized this until now thinking back at her life...she feels cheated that she didn't get time with him. For them to enjoy "their" time after she retired. I cry for her, for him, for all the others that lost their time, for holding back on living their lives. I cry for all the people who have sacrificed for their children, to wait until later to have a life.


I don't want to be those people but I'am. I haven't been living, not really living I've let days, years pass by my hands, dwelling on the past, hating the present and awaiting for tomorrow for my life to start. But my life has gone by, so fast, not waiting for me to be ok, my children have grown, my baby isn't a baby anymore and my son is already 15. It feels just like yesterday that I felt like I was a young single mom, so sure of myself, that is bettering myself. Having a goal of supporting my son with a kick ass career. Bt here I sit empty and so alone. I'm 20pds heavier but 20 pds less confident. I feel lost, unsure of myself. I feel like a loser. I'm scared I will never be able to get a job again let alone a career...I want to earn money..I need to earn money but I have no self confidence. I've become a horrible mirror image of my youth and self hatred but I definitely don't look as good and I really do need to lose weight now!

I hate feeling this way and I know its not ok but I can't stop feeling whats inside...it sucks...I suck. I could use a smoke just about now, or a good drink/s to drown in my sorrow my pain...to dance my ass off, not to give shit...to flirt, bump and grind with a good looking guy, to feel desirable once again. To stop being old, helpless, crazy and fat!

I hurt and death sucks.