why the f*** DID i START THIS THING?

Funny thing is that I haven't written much in here nor is it giving me the outlet to vent as I thought it would. Alot of things have happened and none good. My uncle died August 12, from internal bleeding but he had many more other health issues besides that. He was, no is my uncle who married my father's oldest sister, my aunt. They are the ones who live with my mom, the ones that cause more grief and stress for my mom. The ones with endless health issues, endless late night visits to the ER, we joked they were frequent fliers/ER'eers. It is so weird how one dies they are just gone, you know like they never existed besides for the ones that hold the memory of their loved ones. Sometimes life feels so long, and hard but then when I see how fast my kids have grown or how old I have gotten I realize how short life really is.

All things considering I'm ok...I've inherited the paperwork and financial and legal things concerning my aunt and uncle. But not a big deal since I had taken over doing my mom's bills and stuff. I'm on automatic after all its my aunt we need to be there for...its weird how the only time we can cry are late at night when everyone else is sleeping, or when we are alone driving in our car or in the shower. It hurts, I hurt, I miss my uncle, I miss my dad...death sucks, getting old sucks. I hate that I cannot be ok for my kids or more so for my self. It amazes me how well I function when it comes to others but I'm so empty when it comes to myself. I'm tired and yet I'm tired of feeling like shit, of feeling empty and so sad and hurt. I want to move forward...hell that is why I haven't visited my dad's grave either cause I don't want to think about him because it makes me stop wanting to live, to snap out of this crap. But here my uncle dies...sad to say in ways its a relief because taking care of sick old people sucks. It drains the very life out of you, because there is nothing you can do to make things better. The thing I have most in the inability to take the pain anyway from the ones I love, even like. I hate not being able to solve their pain, to ease their sorrow, to wipe away their emptiness. I hurt for all the pain there is and wish that there is none in that other life.

I'm not religious but I want to believe their is something better, that this life isn't just for the hell of it but we find meaning and give meaning in this lives of ours. My baby girl asks me what died was? I told he uncle John dies, like Papa, so she asked where died was? So I told her he went to heaven...kinda sad since I don't really believe in a heaven and hell thing, or do I? As I face immortality it doesn't scare me, although it never did, that is my own but that I feared that of my loved ones...my mom and dad. So now being faced with death once again I'm sad more than anything...the greatest fear I had has happened twice...I've lost my father, he is only a memory but damn it I miss him so much! He was far too young...he and my mom didn't get to enjoy their time together. Their time was cut short...my mom tells me the happiest time in her life was when she was a young stay at home mom in korea...bathing her babies, feeding us, cooking, waiting for my father to come home from work. She says those were the best times in her life, when she was young and in love waiting for my father to come home, being a mom taking care of her babies. She says she never realized this until now thinking back at her life...she feels cheated that she didn't get time with him. For them to enjoy "their" time after she retired. I cry for her, for him, for all the others that lost their time, for holding back on living their lives. I cry for all the people who have sacrificed for their children, to wait until later to have a life.


I don't want to be those people but I'am. I haven't been living, not really living I've let days, years pass by my hands, dwelling on the past, hating the present and awaiting for tomorrow for my life to start. But my life has gone by, so fast, not waiting for me to be ok, my children have grown, my baby isn't a baby anymore and my son is already 15. It feels just like yesterday that I felt like I was a young single mom, so sure of myself, that is bettering myself. Having a goal of supporting my son with a kick ass career. Bt here I sit empty and so alone. I'm 20pds heavier but 20 pds less confident. I feel lost, unsure of myself. I feel like a loser. I'm scared I will never be able to get a job again let alone a career...I want to earn money..I need to earn money but I have no self confidence. I've become a horrible mirror image of my youth and self hatred but I definitely don't look as good and I really do need to lose weight now!

I hate feeling this way and I know its not ok but I can't stop feeling whats inside...it sucks...I suck. I could use a smoke just about now, or a good drink/s to drown in my sorrow my pain...to dance my ass off, not to give shit...to flirt, bump and grind with a good looking guy, to feel desirable once again. To stop being old, helpless, crazy and fat!

I hurt and death sucks.